by VR Baucke
Lil’s laughter grew louder. “I didn’t freaking swoon. I tripped!”
“Uh huh, that’s what they all say.”
She scoffed and buried her nose between my shoulder blades again. Setting the spatula on the bench and turning in her arms, I idly ran my chin back and forth over her forehead.
“Ugh, beard hair in my eyes!”
“Close them then, Lil. Or better yet, go sit at the table and let me wait on you.”
She complied, sitting then twisting sideways, looking all cute as fuck with a grin on her lips.
“You do spoil me.”
“You...” I landed a kiss on her lips, “...are more than worth it. I love you.”
Telling her that I loved her was the best feeling ever, especially when she said it back. She blushed and looked up at me from under her lashes then pulled me closer by the backs of my thighs.
“I love you, too.”
I cupped her head when she rested against my lower stomach. We paused in this moment, simply happy and content in each other’s company. The sweet smell of vanilla wafted up from her, making my mouth water even more. But first...
“There’s something I need to tell you.” The words barely made it past my lips and they came out more as a breath than a whisper.
When Lil focused her hazel eyes solely on me, I melted all over again. She tried to lighten the mood, but I heard the waver of uncertainty in her voice.
“Of course, what’s up?”
I sat across from her and held out a hand for her plate. After she passed it, I focused on placing pancakes onto it before handing it back. It was totally a stall tactic because I had no idea where to start. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and bit the bullet.
“It’s about why I went back to Tauranga the week before last...” I couldn’t look Lil in the eye, not yet. “I went to say goodbye to Lotte, and ask her forgiveness.”
When I looked up, there was confusion in Lil’s gaze. “But I thought you said she passed away?”
It was a touchy subject for both of us, and we were both trying to take it easy.
“She did, Lil. I visited her at the cemetery. I just sat and talked to her about whatever was in my head at the time, about moving to Auckland... About you...” I trailed off and glanced up.
Surprise lit Lil’s face. “Me?”
“Yes. I just… I felt compelled to ask Lott to forgive me for moving on. It sounds fucking weird now that I say it out loud, but I felt like it needed to be done.”
Lil shook her head slightly then focused on drizzling the maple syrup over her loaded pancakes.
“I saw her you know,” Lil murmured, lifting her eyes to meet my astonished stare.
Her admission stole my breath. “You… you, saw her? Lotte?” I stuttered. “When?”
“Not long after I met you.” Seeing my confusion, Lil set her knife down and elaborated. “I told you I dreamt of her, right? And how it wasn’t until you came out to the spa that I realised she was attached to you.”
I nodded and Lil continued. “What I didn’t tell you was that I saw her so clearly, like she was standing before me in real life. She emitted an overwhelming feeling of pure love for you, or, more like fierce love...”
Lil paused while I chuckled, then her eyebrows pulled together as she picked her words. “But she felt so incredibly sad, so... broken, and full of regret. And my God, she was so beautiful—completely the opposite to me...”
I smiled wryly at Lil. “Yes, she was a lot different to you in looks, but similar in the fact that she was as stubborn as a fucking ox. Apparently, I like feisty women who are a pain in my ass.”
Lil scoffed and giggled nonetheless.
We ate in silence, mulling over our individual thoughts until Lil gulped a large mouthful of juice and set down her glass. She reached for my hand and locked me in place with her unwavering stare.
“What happened to her, Gage? The full story. I know the overall situation, but I know there’s more. So, tell me. I’m not here to judge you, either of you for that matter.”
“I know. I’ve just never actually told anyone the whole story before, not even Mace. Talking about what happened makes it real, if that makes sense?”
She nodded and reached for her drink again. While she was distracted, I took a deep breath of courage and tore off the first band aid.
“Lotte was my wife,” I blurted, thankfully before Lil took another sip because she gasped and jerked her hand.
She ignored the spilt juice and locked her wide eyes on mine. “You’ve... You’ve been married before?”
Hurt flashed across her features a second before she looked away to compose her reaction. She restlessly played with her fork and blinked rapidly before meeting my eyes again.
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting that.” Lil cleared her throat. “How long?”
“Together for nine years, married for six. We met at college and were inseparable, then married when we were twenty.”
“Wow... that’s crazy.”
“Yeah, it felt right at the time. She died when we were twenty-six.”
The sadness increased in Lil’s eyes as I continued.
“Lotte battled with depression on and off. When she was up, she was the most joyful, outgoing woman I’d ever met. She was always one for spontaneity. When she was her true self, she would leave those around her feeling happy and uplifted. However, when she was down…”
I dropped my head and swallowed. Rehashing the best and worst years of my life was fucking killing me. I forced myself to talk around the restriction jammed in my throat.
“When she was down, she was a mere shell of the women I married. So dark, so hateful... Violent. It became harder and harder convincing her that her life was worthwhile. Everything came to a head three years ago, when she had a miscarriage. Another miscarriage—it was the third one. The first two were devastating for us both, but the third broke her, throwing her into the deepest depression she’d had.”
Pausing, I tried to expand my tightening lungs. The memory always triggered that response and I hadn’t yet found a way to counter the effects before I grew breathless. I dug my fingers into my thighs to take my mind off the ever-present grief. There was no other way I could continue.
“I got home from work one afternoon and I just knew. I knew that something bad was going to happen as soon as I walked through the door. Lott had been drinking, and instead of lying on the couch where I normally found her during a low, she greeted me at the door with a hug that felt like a fucking goodbye. The only way I can explain it was that her eyes just looked... empty. She offered me a beer, which I accepted but went to the bathroom first. In those two minutes before I returned, I heard my bike start. I ran to the door just in time to see her tearing out onto the street, narrowly avoiding a passing car. She hadn’t bothered to put on her jacket or helmet. Where she was going, she wasn’t going to need them.”
Tears prickled my eyes and I was aware of sniffles coming from Lil. A chair scraped as it pushed back, and a moment later she sank to her knees beside me and squeezed my hands in hers.
“I, of course, grabbed my ute keys and took off after her, only able to guess the general direction she headed. I figured she would be heading for the motorway where she could ride hard and fast. My instinct proved right. I found her, but, but... Fuck! She...”
“Jesus, Gage, stop, please stop. This is hurting you too much. You don’t need to relive this in order to tell me. I understand.”
Lil tugged my hands, and begged, fucking begged me to leave it be. But I couldn't, not now that the memories were already rolling off my tongue. I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to. The words burned uncontrollably from my mouth, needing to be set free for the first time since I’d lost my wife.
My swallow sounded as painful as it felt. I didn’t bother pulling away from Lil’s grasp as my tears began to fall. There was no hiding from this agony, no possible escape other than to push through the anguish until I came out the other side; the side where I
knew Lil would be ready and waiting.
“She had ridden into the path of an oncoming vehicle at over 120km/h, leaving no doubt in everyone’s mind that it was intentional. I clung to her and fucking begged her to stay with me, to not die in my arms, even though I already knew it was too late. She died instantly on impact but was still warm, as if she was simply sleeping in my arms. But the blood... Fuck. That’s something that will always haunt me. When the paramedic delivered the news I didn’t want to accept, I screamed at Lotte, shouted the most hurtful words at her all the while shattering so fucking hard I wished I was dead as well. I was numb. Frozen to the spot with Lotte’s body in my arms while people bustled around me, talking and trying to take her from me. I only let go when I was forcefully removed by a couple of cops. The paramedics put her into a body bag without even trying to save her. Seeing them give up on my wife while all I could do was watch destroyed me at a level I never thought I’d be able to recover from.”
Lil let out a strangled sob as she climbed onto my lap. I welcomed her arms wrapping around my neck, giving me the comfort I needed despite having been through so much herself. I didn’t resist when she pressed my face to the fabric of her t-shirt. Her scent was my saviour, and her heartbeat was my grounding. When I continued, it was nothing more than a remorseful whisper.
“I hated her for such a long time. For leaving me. For so long I thought she was selfish, but I now think that she was trying to be selfless. To save me from herself in some fucked up way… I really don’t know to be honest.”
I pulled back, needing to look Lil in the eyes as I spoke the next part.
“However, I can now hand-on-heart say that I’ve made peace with her. I’ll never truly understand why she chose to ride away from me that day, but I feel like it’s okay now, that it’s okay to move on, to be happy again… with you.”
Lil cupped my cheeks, running her fingers through my beard while her tears silently fell.
“How could you possibly ever be whole again after going through such tragedy, such loss. The pain of losing someone that way...” She shook her head slowly as she processed everything I’d just spilled, sharing the burden that hung heavily around my neck.
“I didn’t want to make it for two years afterwards. I didn’t want to try and move on. I wanted the past back, the one where Lotte and I were happy. This last year has been slightly better. Moving up here was a last chance type of thing, to get completely away from the Bay, that motorway, and the wallowing that I’d become accustomed to. I couldn’t see the positive when Dave and my dad staged the intervention, but now I’m forever thankful they did.”
“Well, that does explain the scowling beast I first met four months ago...”
I pressed my ear to Lil’s chest, instantly soothed by her heartbeat. “That bad, huh?”
“Mmm, not really. Not now that I know why. It was confusing though, and I’m sure you’ll agree.”
I did. I remembered going from feeling numb to feeling outright pissed that the little spit fire stirred feelings deep inside me from the moment we met; feelings I was determined to keep locked away, secured and forgotten for all of eternity, forbidden to be felt again. That way there was no way I could open myself up to being hurt again.
“Did you have a beard back then?”
I leaned my head back to look at her. “No. Why?”
Comprehension lit her gaze. “It was a Harley, wasn’t it? The bike she rode. That’s why you have a Victory now?”
My heart skipped a series of painful beats. I nodded through a slightly stunned state of mind. “How very perceptive of you. You’re right though.”
Lil hugged me tight. “Thank you,” she whispered into my ear.
“For what?” I whispered back.
“For trusting me, for sharing your burden, and for making me realise just how much I mean to you.”
“How do you mean?”
It was her turn to pull away with regret clear on her features. “I harassed you and tried to blackmail you into letting me ride your bike, but you stood your ground and wouldn’t change your mind no matter what. No wonder you were so against it. The fact that you didn’t cave to my demands, speaks volumes.”
“I don’t know how you’re doing it, Sunshine, but you’re piecing me back together, one lost part at a time.”
“Well, it’s a good thing for you that I’m a complete sucker for people that need fixing.”
I chuckled as she kissed the tip of my nose before seeking her lips. I kissed her sweetly, melting into the warmth that radiated through the thin fabric of her shirt and onto my bare chest. My hands planed over the smooth skin on her back before coming to rest on her ass as her fingers ran through my beard.
“I love you, Gage Westbrook,” Lil murmured against my mouth, smiling when I growled a little under my breath.
“I love you too, Lily McMillan. Now eat something before I have a half-crazed starving woman on my hands.”
Lil giggled lightly. Now that, was by far, the sweetest music I’d ever heard. Lil remained straddling my lap but twisted to pick up a piece of pancake off my plate.
“I think I’m going to eat breakfast right here,” she declared and bit off half then shoved the other in my mouth. A full, genuine grin broke out on my face as I chewed.
I don’t know what I did to deserve her, but I wasn’t complaining. Lil had shown me what it was to live again, to open my heart again and love passionately like I used to.
For the first time in over three years, while sharing breakfast with Lil while her ass filled my hands, I gave myself permission to be unconditionally happy.
FORTY-ONE
LIL
AS IT TURNED out, both Gage and I were both exceptional at healing broken people; namely, each other.
After spilling his heart out to me over breakfast weeks ago, our relationship had grown to reach a deeper level of understanding and appreciation. I knew he was broken and tormented when I first met him; the sheer deep-seated rawness and undisguised heartbreak that became exposed when he opened up about losing Lotte absolutely tore my heart in half. The dark, broody asshole was a ghost of the Gage I knew and loved today.
There was a fine line between being unable to stand the sight of someone and falling head over heels for them. Despite seeing red every time I clapped eyes on him to begin with, there was always an intuitive feeling inside me that knew he was meant to come into my life at the time he did. Not just for my sake, but likewise, for his.
One thing was for sure; there were no ‘takesies-backsies’. He belonged to me now, and I to him, and that’s the way we intended to remain.
We spent the majority of our spare time together, and it goes without saying that there were toothbrushes and clothes now permanently at each other’s place. There were sleepovers and snide comments from the third wheels—Mace and Mickey.
I had worried for a long time that Jono would eventually come back to finish what he started. The dreaded thought relentlessly drilled holes in my stomach, even after Dad assured that the situation had been ‘taken care of’. I knew enough about his job and code talk to know I wasn’t to ask further questions; Jono wouldn’t be back and I needed to trust in that knowledge to find the peace of mind I needed. It was early days, but being surrounded by my family and crew definitely helped me through the mental recovery process.
With Christmas only days away, the crew gathered at my parent’s house for a pre-Christmas lunch. We were all here apart from Nico, who had deployed to Afghanistan last month with the Army.
Kimmie and Trav were beside me under the massive tree in Mum and Dad’s backyard, giving each other shit about god-knows what; I wasn’t listening. My eyes were glued to the sexy-ass man crossing the deck dressed wearing dark aviators, a singlet and boardshorts that hung low on his hips, emphasising his broad shoulders, toned torso, and those legs… Enough said! Just looking at him had me all gaga.
The change in him blew my mind. He had gone from being closed and withdrawn, usually w
earing a scowl deep enough to part a sea of people, to exuding a genuine air of contentment that made him so darn irresistible. There were still dark days of course—for both of us—but we had a knack for giving one another space to breathe and simply understanding that hearts didn’t heal overnight. It literally took years. Gage hadn’t spent a Christmas with his family for three of those, and he confided that the mere thought of trying to be happy on a day where happiness and joy was expected made him sick to his stomach. Up until now, he had always spent Christmas sitting at Lotte’s gravesite.
When he told me that, my heart burst with grief for him, yet, I was incredibly thankful I could bring some light to his life again.
In saying that, I was terrified of following in Lotte’s footsteps because of how much Gage had loved her. Every now and then I caught him slipping into auto pilot and doing little things he had obviously done for her. Instead of getting upset or holding it against him when he added pickles to my burger, or not adding milk to my coffee, we’d both acknowledged his actions for what they were then found the humour in the situation.
When Gage loved, he loved with all his heart, and it left no doubt in my mind that I wasn’t replacing Lotte, but simply filling the large space he had made for me.
This Christmas, Gage did something that made me cry; he rang his mum and asked what the plans were this year and if she would mind if he brought me home to meet their family.
I was so taken aback that I burst into tears. That step wasn’t just huge—it was monumental. So tomorrow, he was taking me home to Tauranga to meet his mum, dad and sisters. If they were anything like Mace and his family, I would be welcomed with open arms.
“What are you grinning about?” Gage’s question snapped me back to the present.
I looked up from my sprawled position on the grass to see him smirking down at me.
“You.” I accepted the drink he offered. “Thank you.”
A satisfied sigh slipped out as the non-alcoholic ginger beer slid down my throat. “Ahh, dayum that’s good.”
He chuckled and dropped down to sit beside me. His nearness had me biting my lip as he ran a hand through his hair then over his jaw. Gage still looked like a total badass without the beard, but I was still adjusting to his new look. I got the fright of my life when he came up behind me and ran his smooth chin over my exposed shoulder one night. He looked so different; yet, the same dark eyes sparkled back at me as I took in the change, unable to resist repetitively running my hands over his jaw and cheeks.