by J. O Mantel
Three hours had passed since Hunter left the station and collected his mother from her apartment. They were now wheeling a shopping cart down the aisles at Walmart, with absolutely no fucking clue what on earth either of them was going to buy their fussy five-year-old. It wasn’t like this was the first time he was buying a present for his daughter, but each year it became more and more difficult. Hunter raised an agitated hand and ran his fingers through his thick black mane.
“Don’t look so stressed, Hunter. You’re buying a birthday gift for your daughter, not having dinner with the Queen.”
Halfway between annoyed and frustrated, Hunter caved. He stopped the cart by the doll section and glared at the skinny, plastic figures nestled neatly on the shelves before him.
Disco Barbie, Malibu Barbie, Hollywood Barbie, California Barbie. Jesus, how many different types of one doll can there possibly be? He picked up the closest Barbie doll and examined it, “Damn! Whoever thought a Barbie doll would be as sexy as hell?”
“Hunter!” Judith gasped, slapping him on the shoulder.
“Oh, come on, Mom. Do you mean to tell me that you never found Ken attractive when you were a little girl?”
A flirtatious smirk crossed his mother’s lips, and she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. This was something she always did whenever she was avoiding a question, or when she was trying desperately not to blush. When Judith looked back at him over her shoulder, she saw that Hunter was crying.
“What’s the matter, baby?” his mother questioned.
“I just miss her, Mom … so much, every, single day.”
Hunter couldn’t decide which Barbie doll he liked the most, or more to the point, which doll Lili would love the most. In the end, he decided it would be easier to just give her one of each doll. He loaded them into the cart, to which his mother added several cardigans, hoodies, sweaters, socks, pairs of shoes and sneakers, and more toys.
They’d been shopping for what seemed like hours and, after paying the cashier, Hunter pushed through the sliding doors with only one thought on his mind: coffee. A coffee was what he really needed right now. Well, that and to see the perfect smile on his baby girl’s face when she opened her presents on her birthday. He’d spent many birthdays without Bree, and while he missed her, he knew that somehow she was watching over both of them.
As Hunter lay in bed later that night, he clutched the Valentine’s card he’d received. He shifted his legs under the sheets and turned his head on the pillow, so his face was now angled toward his daughter’s. She’d been crying most of the afternoon since he’d picked her up from his in-laws, complaining of loud men making noises and not being able to sleep by herself. She’d decided that Daddy’s bed would be the best place to sleep. And now that her eyes were closed, Hunter knew she’d sleep through the night. Her precious little body nestled beside him reminded him of Bree. As he snuggled deeper into his pillow, Hunter continued to examine the card in his hand. Over and over, he read the message written inside, trying to piece together who it was who’d left it for him to find. Then another thought entered his mind, what if the card wasn’t meant for me?
But it was taped to my locker, it had to be for me, he thought. Plus, it had my name written on it.
Lili’s body twitched beside him, and he moved closer toward her. He watched as her eyes flickered open slightly. “Don’t be scared, princess. Daddy’s right here.” Her warm, gentle smile was all the reassurance he needed to know that she wasn’t scared. He pushed forward and planted a kiss on her tiny little cheek, and soon she drifted back off to sleep.
With his fingers still clutching the envelope, Hunter began to feel his own eyes drift closed. As he made sure he was comfortable, but wouldn’t squash his daughter, he reached for the lamp, switched it off, and fell fast asleep.
The following morning, as Hunter sat silently at his desk, Alex wandered over to him. Carter may be his best friend and Lili’s godfather, but at work, Alex and Andy knew Hunter better than almost anyone. Alex wasn’t anyone’s fool, and Hunter was sure the weight on his mind was made clear to his coworker by his behavior alone.
“Okay, Hunter, what’s going on?” Alex asked, sitting on one of the stools available in the tiny room.
“Huh? I don’t know what—”
“Don’t give me that psycho-babble. Something’s up your ass, what is it?”
Hunter repositioned his chair, so he was now staring out the floor-to-ceiling window onto the back streets of Manhattan. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to open up to Alex about the love note he’d received.
“Oh, for god’s sake, Hunter, will you just spit it out, already?”
Hunter pulled the card from his pocket and handed it to Alex, who began reading the inscription.
“Ooh, seems to me like you have an admirer,” Alex teased flirtatiously.
“Yeah, and I wonder who that might be?”
Alex frowned and looked at Hunter.
“I’m sure I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about.”
“Sure, you don’t. Thanks, Alex. I know you were just trying to cheer me up, and I appreciate the warm gesture.”
Alex stared at him, completely baffled.
“Hunter, what are you talking about?”
Barely resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Hunter threw a forced smile at Alex. “I know it was you. Your comment about my ass the other day was a dead giveaway.”
Letting out a deep sigh, Alex sat on the chair opposite Hunter’s desk and glared at him.
“Well, you do have a fantastic ass, but I didn’t leave you that card. As you so charmingly pointed out, I’m ‘fucking’ James.”
Hunter remembered the look of shock on Alex’s face when he’d made that statement.
By the look on Alex’s face, Hunter knew his cluelessness had been fund out.
“Looks like you’ve got a secret admirer out there somewhere, Hunter.”
Hunter remained silent, trying to process every available possibility, however, no one came to mind. Everyone he knew at the station was either married, dating, or not interested in a relationship. Letting out a sigh of frustration, Hunter placed his arms on his desk and clasped his hands.
“I would’ve thought you’d be thrilled to receive a Valentine’s card, Hunter. There aren’t many men like you around,” Alex told him.
“It’s just ...” He lowered his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“What is it, Hunter?”
“I … Bree was a part of my life for so long, I …”
“You’re scared to open your heart to someone else?”
“I don’t think anybody can ever replace what Bree and I shared.”
Alex stood and took a step closer to Hunter.
“And nobody ever will replace what the two of you shared. I’ve never lost someone I love, so I can’t even begin to comprehend what you have been through, and must still be going through. Know this though, you don’t have to do it alone. I’m here for you, so is Carter, and everyone else here at the station. Bree was an important part of all our lives. She became our family when we pulled her from the rubble that day.”
Hunter couldn’t hold back the tears as he lifted his head and wrapped his arms around Alex, and the two embraced in a hug.
“Thank you,” Hunter whispered.
“You’re welcome.”
The silence hung between them, but Alex immediately noticed the shift in Hunter’s mood. Alex could hear his heavy breathing and wanted to ask if there was anything else he wanted to discuss, but instead, Alex decided that being silent was a better option.
Hunter finally spoke. “I think I’m just scared.”
“Scared? Scared of what?”
“Scared of finding love again.”
“You mean you’re afraid of commitment?”
“No, I’m afraid of falling in love again. I just don’t think I could ever betray Bree like that.”
Hu
nter could sense Alex following his movements as he stood up off his chair and walked over to the door. “You think that by moving on, and falling in love with someone else, that you’ll be betraying Bree?”
Hunter nodded and felt as though a hot flash of light had just switched on around him.
“Oh, Hunter, you really need to stop punishing yourself. What happened to Bree was not your fault.”
Hunter’s heart thumped in his chest as he recalled the moment that changed his life forever …
With Lili safely in one arm, and clasping her other hand with Hunter’s, the three of them strolled through Central Park. It was a beautiful summer’s day. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and the grass was bright green. Nothing could be more perfect than the way things were right now. As they walked farther through the park, Hunter found an ideal spot for them to set up their picnic. As the gentle breeze ruffled through his hair, he laid out the picnic blanket on the soft grass. Bree sat on the blanket, and gently placed Lili between her legs. Hunter kneeled down and made himself comfortable beside them. He glanced at his wife who was dressed in a long black dress and flats, with her hair in a neat braid. He looked at his daughter, who was being held upright by Bree. She was dressed in a pale pink onesie that Hunter’s mother had bought for her when she was born.
Hunter opened the basket and began unpacking the contents. Sandwiches, fruit salad, crackers, dips, and of course, orange juice. Pulling out the two wine glasses he’d packed, Hunter poured them both a glass.
“You haven’t said very much since we left the house. Are you all right?” Hunter asked.
“I’m just tired.”
“Lili’s certainly a handful at night.”
“Yeah, she sure keeps us on our toes, doesn’t she?”
Hunter stared at his wife. She looked… different.
“Babe, are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine. Maybe, I’m just coming down with a bug or something.”
“Do you want to go home?”
“What? No, of course not. I don’t want to ruin this perfect day.”
Hunter handed Bree a glass of orange juice, then slumped back and rested his head against the trunk of the tree they were seated under. Bree’s stomach knotted, then flipped over on itself, over and over, and she had to force herself to breathe. The last thing she wanted was to pass out from exhaustion and give Hunter a reason to freak out. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to stop the trees from spinning, but all that did was make her more nauseous. With Lili nestled safely between her feet, Bree opened her eyes and glanced quickly at Hunter. His shades were on, and she couldn’t tell if he was asleep or awake. She put her glass down and took a deep breath, trying to gather some sort of control so she could get through the day without making Hunter the slightest bit suspicious that something was wrong.
For weeks she’d been breaking out in sweats, feeling extremely weak and tired, and quite often complained of a bloated stomach. She’d tried to convince herself that it was all part of being pregnant. However, when her condition didn’t improve, she drove herself to the doctor while Hunter was at work, so he wouldn’t start to panic. She rested Lili against her inner thigh, and within a few minutes, the little bundle of joy was sound asleep. She heard a moan escape Hunter’s lips, and as she turned to face him, he lifted his glasses off his eyes.
“Shh, she’s asleep,” Bree whispered.
Hunter sat up and leaned forward, brushing his cheek against Bree’s.
“You’re cold,” he stated, reaching for the blanket and placing it over her shoulders.
“I’m fine. Lili needs this more than I do,” she said, removing the blanket from her shoulders and wrapping it snuggly around their daughter.
Bree frowned, then gave Hunter an apologetic look. The last thing she wanted right now was to make him worry about her any more than he already was.
“Bree, I’m really worried about you. You haven’t spoken a word since we left the house. Talk to me, baby.”
“Hunter, seriously, I’m fine.”
Hunter blinked a couple of times at her quick response, then his lips curled into the beaming white smile that Bree loved so much. She couldn’t stop herself from leaning closer to Hunter’s face to kiss him.
“I love you,” Hunter whispered as he rose and slid his hands through her hair. “I just want you to know that.”
“I do. And I love you, too,” Bree replied. She reached out her hand and laced her fingers between his. Hunter leaned in closer until his lips were pressed against hers. This time, his kiss was passionate, sweet, and full of so much love. He pulled his lips free, and as he pulled himself away, Bree’s eyes rolled back and her lids closed. Her body slumped the ground, jerking Lili and waking her up.
“Bree?” Hunter called, but there was no reaction. “Bree!”
He grabbed Lili and gently placed her beside him before he began shaking his wife.
“Hunter continued to yell her name, but she remained unresponsive.
He pulled out his cell and immediately dialed 9-1-1.
Seconds turned to minutes, minutes turned to hours, hours turned to days. Being back in that hospital was like reliving hell all over again for Hunter, only this time, it was a different, much worse type of hell. Bree had requested that the doctors not reveal any information to Hunter. Whatever was wrong with her, she wanted to be the one to tell him.
“What’s going on, Bree? Why won’t the doctors tell me anything?” Hunter questioned as he sat down beside her on the bed. He reached for her hand and stroked the back of it.
“Because I asked them not to,” Bree said in a voice that was barely audible.
“I … I don’t understand.”
She sighed, and with a fragile hand, she stroked the side of Hunter’s face.
“Hunter… I’m sick.”
“I know. That’s why you’re in here.”
“No, I mean, I’m really sick.”
“The doctors are doing everything they can to take care of you and make you well again,” Hunter told her, still stroking the back of her hand.
“Dammit, Hunter, listen to me!” Her eyes glistened as she stared at her husband. “I’m sick. I have been for a while now.” She paused, and her lips trembled as she spoke her next words. “I have chronic leukemia.”
“What?! No! You … you’re just sick. You said it, you’re tired and rundown. All you need to do is rest.”
“No. I found out over a year ago.”
Hunter tried to calm his erratic heartbeat; it was pounding so hard he was sure the other patients in the room could hear it.
“Wait, a year ago? That means you knew about this while you were pregnant?”
“I found out two days after we told your mom I was pregnant. I hadn’t been feeling well for weeks, so I drove myself to the doctor.”
Hunter was paralyzed and didn’t say a word.
“Wait … you’ve known about this for a year and you never told me?”
Bree nodded as tears started to stream down her cheeks.
“No! No, you’re… you’re young and healthy. I mean… you’re perfect, you can’t—”
“Hunter, stop! The doctor said it’s a genetic disorder, there’s no definitive cause. But the smoke inhalation and internal damage I sustained on September eleven did contribute to weakening my immune system. When I got the diagnosis, he told me that the only chance of survival was to start treatment immediately.”
“So… what happened?”
Bree kept her eyes on Hunter as she sat up in the bed. The love she saw in her husband’s eyes right then had her heart racing as she reached out and cupped his cheek.
“Hunter, I never started the treatment.”
“What? Why not?”
Her lips trembled, and more tears flowed down her pale cheeks.
“The doctor told me that if I started the treatment, I would need to terminate the pregnancy because there was no w
ay the baby would survive. So, I made the decision to not have the treatment and carry the baby to term instead.”
Hunter wanted to say something, but the truth was, he suddenly forgot how to form a sentence, or even think, for that matter.
“So, you sacrificed your life … for our baby?”
“I … I had to, Hunter. After the heartache we both went through to get pregnant, there was no way I was going to sacrifice our little girl. I knew how much having a family meant to both of us. I couldn’t kill our baby.”
Hunter launched himself at his wife, taking her face between his hands. He pressed their lips together, needing to taste her, to feel her, he needed to reassure himself that she was still there in the room and this wasn’t a horrible nightmare. Despite her weakness, Bree returned the kiss before pulling their lips apart.
“So, why didn’t you tell me?” Hunter questioned.
“The doctor told me that I should live my life normally, as best I could, with minimal stress and pain. We knew that the pregnancy was going to be risky, so I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want people to be weird around me.”
“Including me? I’m your husband.”
“Especially you. After I was diagnosed, I took all the necessary precautions with the pregnancy. I accepted the diagnosis and was getting on with my life perfectly fine. Hunter, you … you saved my life when you rescued me that day. It was you who gave me a chance to live my life again. I didn’t want an excuse to be a burden on you.”
“A burden? Seriously, Bree. What about the vows we took when we said, ‘I do’? For better or worse, ’til death do us part, remember?” Hunter ran his hand down Bree’s arm, then pulled her toward him again. Bree could see the guilt in his eyes.
“Don’t,” Bree whispered. “Don’t feel sorry for me. That’s exactly the reason I didn’t want to tell you.” Hunter kept his eyes on Bree. He could feel his head spin, and his heart was racing a million miles an hour.
“How long?” Hunter asked.
“How long?” Bree questioned him.
“How… how much longer do we have left together?”
“The doctor can’t give me an answer. He just told me that I need to be surrounded by family and people who love me.”