by Clive Mullis
‘Stop playing about, Rose, come on,’ yelled Cornwallis.
Rose opened her mouth to reply that she wasn’t, when Cornwallis turned and hared off again. They jumped over a roll of carpet and swerved around a ventilation stack, a skylight offered a particularly interesting view of a couple in the room below, but Cornwallis didn’t feel he had the time to offer an opinion on their technique. Another gap, and neither of them stopped this time as they jumped over it together, and this time Rose kept her eyes open. Up ahead a mop of brown hair dodged between the stacks; they had spotted their prey, and Cornwallis grinned triumphantly.
‘There’s the little bastard,’ he cried, pointing.
They set off with renewed enthusiasm, just as the assailant turned, and in turn, spotted them. He gave a little start and then increased his pace accordingly, climbing up a low wall and running on. Cornwallis and Rose were gaining fast, at some point the man would have to find a way down; perhaps that would be the opportunity they were looking for. They were only about thirty paces behind him now and the man cast a quick look over his shoulder; for some reason he grinned, and Cornwallis felt that perhaps he knew something that they didn’t. He darted around to his right behind a big chimney stack, and by the time they’d followed, he had disappeared. Cornwallis and Rose ground to a halt and looked around perplexed. The man had just vanished.
A peel of laughter then drew their attention and they moved forward to the edge. Below them, and just a few feet away, their assailant looked at them and smirked as he dragged the plank that had bridged the gap, the gap being far too wide to jump. He stood up as the plank banged down and gave a time honoured gesticulation from the waist down. Cornwallis and Rose looked on with fury.
High above flew a Janker on its migratory path to the southern mountains from the northern territories. It had got a little lost as normally the bird would not come anywhere near the city, but it knew that if it kept going, at some point it would get to where it wanted to go. An enormous bird, the Janker had a prodigious appetite, and it wasn’t unknown for one to take a fully grown bovine for a snack. The only way it could get airborne was to stand on the side of a mountain and leap off, and hope that by the time it got to the bottom the wings would work. People mistook them for Dragons, but Dragons were way out east and never came this way. The Janker had eaten well before it started on its long journey, and now it felt the growling in its stomach. Its tail feathers twitched, and then the biggest anus in the natural world came open.
Cornwallis called across the gap. ‘Don’t think you’ve got away my friend, you’re going to be a hunted man from now on.’
‘Yeah, right,’ replied the man indifferently. ‘I’m going to do for you the next time, though.’
A speck in the sky was getting larger by the second as it hurtled to twearth. The assailant looked above Cornwallis’ head and saw it coming; grinning as he noticed the perfect trajectory. Cornwallis turned to see what had taken the man’s eye, and seeing what amounted to the biggest dollop of shit ever imagined coming straight down towards him, grabbed Rose and dived for cover. Unfortunately, the man hadn’t done well in geometry at school and his judgment of angles could have been better, his assumption that Cornwallis would cop the lot was out by about twenty feet.
The stinking steaming mass plummeted to just above where Cornwallis’ head would have been had he been upright, but fortunately, sailed harmlessly by. The man opened his mouth and began the fateful words. ‘Oh. Sh…!’ Which though remarkable accurate, was in fact, a trifle understated, when it struck him perfectly in a soft thudding kind of way. The shit may well have been soft and squidgy, but it travelled at an enormous velocity, and a ton of shit is just that, a ton. Open-mouthed with dismay, the man realised just a split second before it hit, what was going to happen, and perhaps if he hadn’t opened his mouth, his demise might well have been very different.
‘Well now, will you look at that,’ exclaimed Frankie, as he finished shovelling the shit away.
Cornwallis gave a low whistle while Rose fought down the impulse to vomit. The would-be assailant had a massively engorged stomach, bloated with the forced entry of about fifty pounds of Janker shit. The startled look on his face really said it all.
Sergeant Jethro MacGillicudy eased himself through the trapdoor and sauntered over towards Cornwallis. ‘I knew it was you,’ he said with a grin. ‘Man downed by Janker droppings, on a roof, in Gornstock, and I knew you had to be involved somewhere.’
Frankie turned and grinned back. ‘Jethro. What are you doing here?’
‘Doing, Frankie? I’ll have you know I’m doing my job.’
‘You mean you’re back? What happened?’
‘All in good time, all in good time,’ he replied with a wink. ‘Oi, Dewdrop. Hurry up man, got just the job for you.’
Dewdrop appeared on the roof and immediately gave a look of dismay as he saw Rose standing there. ‘Oh Gods,’ he muttered. ‘Not her again.’
‘Right, Dewdrop,’ began MacGillicudy. ‘I am going to take our friends here downstairs and take some statements, while you are going to clear all this mess up. Frankie, give him your shovel please, and Dewdrop, you will arrange to get that body removed and then bag up all this shit for removal to the station allotments. You got that, boy?’
Dewdrop nodded dumbly and took the shovel from Frankie’s hand. ‘Yes, Sergeant.’
‘Good. I’ll send your colleagues up to help, now get to it.’
MacGillicudy took the statements and sat back with a triumphant look on his face, he grinned from ear to ear as he looked from one to the other. ‘Go on, ask me then.’
Cornwallis obliged.
‘Well, you just wouldn’t believe it. Yesterday Bough called both me and Grinde back into the office and told us that having thought the situation through he had only one option, and that we were to be both reduced in rank for a period of six months. Well, Grinde just couldn’t believe it. He went puce and could hardly speak, and when he did, he just looked straight at Bough and told him that if he down-graded him then he would resign from the force. Bough’s face lit up like a beacon it did. Grinde hardly had the words out of his mouth when Bough stood up and offered his hand, excepting the resignation on the spot. Grinde couldn’t believe it. He thought that Bough would back down, he doesn’t know Harold Bough like I know him.’
Frankie burst out laughing. ‘You mean the old bastard’s actually gone?’
MacGillicudy nodded. ‘That just left me. Bough took my stripes, leaving me just a constable again, and said he would speak to me again when I’d learnt my lesson. So I just marched straight out and went on a patrol; it were just like the good old days, me, the pavement, and no responsibility. I strolled around cadging tea and chatting to the locals, I even for old times’ sake dived into some of my old haunts for a crafty puff on the old roll-up. I can’t tell you how good it felt. Then this morning, when I turned up, I got the message to go back and see Bough again. I stood in front of that desk while he gave me the biggest bollocking of my career. He then said that I’d spent enough time as a constable and he’d decided to re-instate me as a sergeant, and what’s more, now that the Yard had lost a senior sergeant, I was to be immediately promoted.’ He held his hands out in supplication. ‘What do you think of that?’
‘Congratulations,’ smiled Rose.
‘Ditto that,’ said Frankie. ‘The old bastard has actually gone then?’ he repeated. ‘Well, well, well.’
MacGillicudy grinned. ‘He has indeed. So now it’s been left to me to organise the place properly, and Gods are there going to be some changes. Bough has given me a free rein to do what I want.’
‘Sounds good,’ added Cornwallis. ‘Perhaps you might find one or two more to help us then?’
MacGillicudy chortled. ‘Yes, I’ve been thinking about getting you a bit more help. The decapitation of Maxwell is the talk of the station. Poor old Chalkie though, he’s still upset.’
‘Not half as much as me,’ said Cornwallis dejecte
dly. ‘I really wanted to talk to him.’
Cornwallis headed off to the Assembly, leaving Frankie and Rose to chat to MacGillicudy for a while. Then they were to go and see Algernon, who hopefully this time, might have something to tell them; Kintersbury and Dumchuck must have got up to something last night. He grabbed a double minced-beef patty bun with bacon, cheese and ketchup from Sal’s before going across the road. As always, she bent his ear, and again it had to do with Rose. What was he waiting for? Why hadn’t he done it yet? Girls like that don’t grow on trees you know. He tried to explain between mouthfuls, but as always, Sal never listened to anything she didn’t want to hear. Sometimes she was more like his mother than his mother, which left his brain whirling. Eventually he managed to escape the tirade and kissed her lightly on the cheek before heading across the road.
Entering the Assembly was always an experience; thankfully, it had gone midday, so he didn’t have to suffer the excruciating display of the opening dance. The guards were standing at ease, one each side of the door, and they came to attention with a little ting-a-ling as the bells on their ankles jangled; then watched him warily out of the corner of their eyes as he walked past and into the building. Perkins was in his customary position behind the porters’ desk, and he greeted Cornwallis with all the courtesy he could muster.
‘Good afternoon, Mr Cornwallis, sir. My my, twice in a week, sir, are you thinking of taking up your seat on a permanent basis, sir?’
Cornwallis smiled ruefully. ‘No, Perkins, there’s no fear of that. Just need to keep in touch with my father. I assume he’s in today?’
‘Yes, sir. I believe he’s in his office,’ he leaned a little closer and softened his voice conspiratorially. ‘If you don’t mind me saying, sir, there’s a little bit of a kerfuffle in the house today. I would keep clear of the Inner Ring if you can.’ He tapped his nose and winked.
Cornwallis felt the hairs on the back of his neck stiffen. ‘Any idea why?’ he asked, equally quietly.
‘Not for me to say really, sir, but it seems that some of the members are having a little money problems.’
Cornwallis bit back the twitch of a smile that formed on his lips. ‘Really? Well I never.’
Perkins looked about him in case anyone overheard. ‘I’m not one for gossip as you know, sir, but it is said one or two of them might even be bankrupt.’
‘Oh dear, that’s not good news. I’ll take your advice and steer well clear of the Inner Ring then.’ Cornwallis reached into his pocket and deposited a couple of dollars into Perkins’ hand. ‘If you happen to hear anything else of interest, then perhaps you might let me or my father know?’
‘Of course, sir,’ answered Perkins, pocketing the money deftly. ‘Have always looked after each other, we have, sir. I mean the Cornwallis’ and the Perkins'; we go back generations, do we not?’
‘We have indeed, Perkins,’ replied Cornwallis, stepping away and heading for the door to the lobby. ‘We have indeed.’
Cornwallis senior was, as Perkins said, in his office, but far from being alone. A melee of members congregated, either inside or outside his office, all waving bits of paper and clamouring to have a word with the earl. Cornwallis shook his head and leant against the wall a little further down the corridor as he watched the entertainment.
‘Enough!’ The great bellow shot out of the office and then bounced along the corridor. The crowd quietened for a few seconds and then quickly started up again. ‘I said enough!’ screamed the voice, obviously at the end of his tether. ‘Gentlemen, I will see each of you in good time, but only one at a time, and I will send for you when I need you.’
The crowd reluctantly began to back out of the office and the shouts subsided. Cornwallis fleetingly caught a glimpse of his father’s arm as he pushed the last of them out and slammed the door closed. Suddenly, the corridor seemed awfully full with people filing by; but fortunately, nobody seemed to recognise him, which gave him a bit of leeway, as he knew damn well that if they did recognise him, then they would turn on him like a pack of hungry wolves.
‘Go away,’ yelled his father as Cornwallis knocked on the door. The corridor had now emptied, though the floorboards still seemed to vibrate from all the stomping that had just gone on.
Cornwallis turned the handle and let the door swing open a tad before poking his head through. ‘Even your own flesh and blood, the fruit of your loins?’
‘Oh Gods, boy,’ groaned the earl. ‘Come in and be quick. Have they all gone?’
‘Like a morgue out there, what’s going on?’
‘A morgue? You ain’t far from the truth with this place, except where their money is involved.’
Cornwallis raised an eyebrow in question.
‘Expenses. I have been given the dubious honour of looking into the members’ expenses. The thought being, that as I don’t claim them, then I should be impartial. Word got out this morning and everyone is worried about what I am going to do. I have a mandate to bring any false claims to the attention of the law. No Assembly privilege, anyone found being underhand will find a ton of bricks landing on their head.’
‘I would have thought that that would be ninety per cent of the Assembly.’
‘And the rest. The other day, we had a debate in the house and the vote went through not to change, then the Warden decided that it should be investigated anyway. He said he didn’t intend changing anything, so if fact, he’s not gone against the house. As you can imagine there are a lot of arses squeaking at the moment; hence that lot,’ and he indicated the door.
Cornwallis grinned. ‘And what have you found so far?’
‘You wouldn’t believe it. So far I have looked at a member who has four houses; over the last four years he's had an office extension on one house, a summer house built on another, his garden landscaped on the third, and a drive gravelled on the fourth.’
‘Well, a drive gravelled ain’t too bad, I suppose.’
‘The drive is a mile and a half long.’
‘Oh.’
‘Yes, and another member has put down for entertainment costs; I’ve checked the address and it turns out it’s a brothel and he’s the owner. The gentleman has let the Government fund his little business.’
Cornwallis’ grin widened. ‘Then, you’ll be going to shaft him now.’
‘Too bloody right I will. I could go on and on and on. This member, and I know it’s not a lot of money, has even claimed for… No, hang on, I’ve misread this one. It is for a lot of money. The cheek of the man.’
Cornwallis stepped around to the other side of the desk and looked over his father’s shoulder. ‘$26 per item,’ he read, and then his father turned the page and his finger pointed to the bottom line. ‘283@$26 ea. Total $7358.00. Bouquets delivered to a Miss A A Arbuthnot, for continuing services.’
Cornwallis senior flicked the document with the back of his hand and leant back in the chair. ‘Seems like we’re paying for a daily bunch of flowers for his bit on the side, I dread to think what I’ll find when I start to dig down into all this, and I’ve not even scratched the surface yet.’
‘You sound as if you’re surprised. If you show a dog a bone, it’s going to chew it.’ Cornwallis returned to the other side of the desk and sat down.
‘I know. A little bit here and there we can ignore, but this amount is far more than even a cynical old man like me would’ve thought. Anyway, my boy, what brings you here today? I’m sure it’s not to listen to the moans and groans of your father.’
‘No. Actually, there are a couple of things. Firstly you connived with Rose to get me an office manager, didn’t you?’
The earl smiled. ‘Now, there’s a girl. Rose, what I wouldn’t give for… Well, never mind that, she’s yours, and I suppose I shouldn’t be jealous, but you should have seen them fawning around her when I took her to dinner. Word has got about and I’ve had three people asking how much she costs. Take your father’s advice and don’t let her get away, my boy.’
‘She’s hard
ly mine, actually I don’t think she’s that interested.’
‘Not interested? She didn’t stop talking about you; damn near put me off my pudding. I suggest you pull your finger out and get in there quick, my boy. Incidentally, did you take someone on?’
Cornwallis nodded. ‘Started this morning, a Mrs Gridlington. I’ll give her a few days to see how it goes. You say she didn’t stop talking about me?’
Cornwallis senior shook his head. ‘Jocelyn, you sound like a schoolboy. There are times when I really wonder about you.’
‘There are times when I wonder about myself too. I’m due to see someone else tonight.’
‘Someone who is not Rose?’ replied his father aghast. ‘Get some sense, Jocelyn; how can you do that when that delectable creature is just waiting for you? For God’s sake don’t say anything to Rose and get yourself out of it.’
‘Too late for that,’ sighed Cornwallis. ‘I’ve already told her.’
‘You Idiot. Then tell her you’ve changed your mind. You go ploughing a furrow now you might end up with a crop.’
Cornwallis tapped his lip in thought. ‘I’ll think about it, but you’re one to talk,’ he said, accusingly. ‘You’ve been ploughing different furrows all your life.’
‘Yes, but I’m an Earl and a member of the government, so it’s expected. Gentry do that sort of thing.’
‘I’m gentry.’
‘At the moment, yes, but I might disown you for being a bloody fool.’
‘Okay, Okay,’ he held up his hands to stop the tirade. ‘I said I’ll think about it. Now the other thing I wanted to talk to you about, if you can just drag your mind away from Rose, is Gornstock Trust and Holdings. Did you know that it’s closed its doors, gone bankrupt?’
‘Has it by Gods? No, I didn’t. When?’
‘This morning, as far as I can tell. I think you said that Pelegrew Kintersbury tried to get you to invest?’