by Lily White
She came with such force that I couldn’t help but join her, my body flinching with every wave of a release that I’d waited too long to have.
When the tears started, I knew that we had wrestled that monster down together, had packed it back into that dark place inside her, at least for now.
Wrapping my body over hers, I held her in place as the poison leached out of her body to sink beneath my skin.
She would hate me in the morning, but it couldn’t matter.
She would hate me, but I held her anyway.
Just like I’d always held her together when she cried.
There was nothing in the world, and no person in existence, that could ever force me to let her go.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Ensley
September 16, 1996
I ran through the halls of my high school trying to get to class on time. My test in first period was already ten minutes in, but I wasn’t there to take it.
Every day, I was late to school, stopping in the office for my usual referral, collecting so many after freshman year that I could use them to wallpaper my room. I never actually had to serve detention, thankfully, but the write-ups had to occur for official records and all that because anybody judging my worth for college admissions should know I was perpetually late to class.
I didn’t see a point in it, but schools and society alike feel the need to stain your name with all your transgressions to make it more difficult to get through life and move on. I would forever be Ensley Bennett, the late one, or Ensley Bennett, the poor one, or Ensley Bennett, the hopeless one.
The receptionist was always kind about my tardiness, though. She believed my mom was sick. Cancer is what I told them for most of freshman year, so I had an excuse for getting my brother and sisters ready and to their schools in the morning.
But once that excuse got old, my mother suddenly developed debilitating diabetes, then Crohn’s disease, then lupus, then whatever other imaginable illness I could concoct like my mother had the worst luck on the planet. The receptionist had once told me to take care of myself with those frail genes I must have inherited.
Thankfully, the high school was closer to my house, so once I got the kids to their bus, I would haul ass through the forest shortcut to get to class. And also thankfully, the kids could manage getting home by themselves. My brother - the oldest at nine – was smart enough to make them a snack and sit them in front of the TV long enough for me to get to the house.
This was my life, the harrowing schedule of a teenage mother to three, all while their actual mother busied herself with drinking and men, often sleeping all day after staying up all night. I didn’t know what she was doing during those late night hours, and I didn’t really care. I avoided her as much as possible.
I also knew better than to accept anything she tried to feed me or give me to drink, refusing to find myself helpless again while she sold off another part of my body. I feared one day, I would wake up in an ice bath with a kidney missing, maybe two because it wasn’t certain that my mother valued my life over the money she could make off me.
Throwing the door open to the classroom, I burst through, my shorter hair a wild mess around my head, my lungs struggling to catch my breath, and my eyes frantic as hell because this teacher absolutely hated me.
Female giggles burst all over the room, the usual bitches giving me side-eye while the guys whistled at my unkempt appearance. I glanced down to notice that in my rush, I’d forgotten to put a bra on that morning. Fuck! How had I not noticed?
“Miss Bennett.”
My name was snapped from the front of the classroom like a switch across the butt, Mrs. Goldmire staring at me from behind her prim and proper glasses. Her grey hair was tucked up in its usual strict bun, her dress collar buttoned up to her chin. Hateful eyes scanned down my body and back up, her lips pursing with disgust.
“First off, you’re late, and I will not allow you to interrupt my class while they’re taking a test. Secondly,” her eyes dipped again and narrowed, “You’re out of dress code. You’ll need to go to the front office to speak with the principal about your unladylike state.”
More giggles burst through the room, whispers following after that. I withered where I stood but shut the door and crouched down against a wall to catch my breath.
This was the last fucking thing I needed.
Slapping at the tears that escaped my eyes, I dragged in a deep breath and pushed to my feet, hoping there would be a jacket in lost and found that I could wear for the rest of the day, despite the Florida heat. I’d be able to get to my other classes, and if I had to sweat it out and become Ensley Bennett, the smelly one, I was perfectly fine with that.
The halls were practically empty given that everyone was in class, but when I turned a corner to walk down B-Hall, I looked up to see Kyle Worthington heading my way.
Kyle wasn’t the most popular guy in the school, he didn’t have the money or proper social circle for that, but what he did have was a reputation for getting in trouble and the typical piss poor attitude of the majority of the poor kids. He was hot as hell, too, which helped him in the long run, the prissy girls drooling over a bad boy like he was a trophy for their shelf.
Noah hated Kyle, but I didn’t think the guy was so bad. I knew Noah’s opinion mainly had to do with hating any guy that found me attractive. He hadn’t tried to kiss me again since that night almost a year ago, but he was still insanely protective.
But Noah was also busy after joining the basketball team. He’d resisted at first, but with his height, the coach had practically chased him down the halls. Noah thought sports could lead to a scholarship, so he’d taken it on, leaving me with some free time to myself.
It’s how I made friends with Kyle. Not just friends, I guess. I’d kissed him a few times while making him swear to never tell Noah. I was still a good girl, though, protecting my virginity just like I promised my daddy I’d do when I was six. I already had three babies. I didn’t need another one.
Still, I had to be careful.
Noah and Kyle were always looking for an excuse to fight, which I thought was stupid. Noah couldn’t afford to get in trouble. He’d be kicked off the team and lose the chance for a scholarship. And Kyle hated Noah because Noah was everything he wasn’t.
Leaning a shoulder against the wall of lockers, Kyle’s green eyes scanned me up and down, his mouth puckering on a low whistle as I walked up.
“You look like someone chewed you up this morning and spit you out.”
“Yeah, something like that.”
Reaching out, he wrapped a finger through the belt loop of my jeans and tugged me closer. “Why are you not in class?”
“Got kicked out. Fucking Goldmire wouldn’t let me take my test and then booted me for breaking dress code.”
His gaze flicked down, and he grinned.
“I see that.”
Green eyes met mine. “Want to come smoke a joint with me in the bathroom? We have an hour until our next class.”
“I don’t smoke.”
“Want to watch me smoke a joint? What else do you have to do? Sit in the front office until the next bell rings? Sounds boring as hell.”
Technically he was right. I could always wait and go to the office ten minutes before the next bell rang to grab a jacket. I didn’t have many friends in school, and Kyle had always been cool to me.
“Okay.”
He led me through the halls while we talked about bullshit. Apparently he’d been kicked out of class, too, but because he’d called his teacher an asshole for bitching about Kyle’s failure to crack a textbook. The way he told the story made me laugh, so I was a little happier than a few minutes before.
Back in D-Hall, there was a bank of bathrooms students rarely used unless it was to smoke cigarettes, make out or get high. They were far from most of the classrooms, closer to the gym, so they were usually pretty empty.
Kyle opened the door, let me walk in, his eyes darting do
wn the hall before he stepped inside. Motioning for me to take a seat on the sink counter, he pulled a joint out from behind his ear.
“I can’t believe you’ve never been busted for that.”
He grinned and tugged at his hair.
“That’s why I keep this mess long, so nobody notices.”
Making it a point to wink at me, he lit the joint, leaned against a wall and stared across at me from behind the stream of smoke he exhaled.
“What’s with the in-your-face tits, Ens? Trying to make all the other girls jealous? Or did you sign up for that female empowerment crap where you stop shaving and shit?”
A laugh burst from my lips.
“No. I was just busy this morning and forgot.”
His eyes scanned my chest as he took another drag.
“If you were flat, I could believe that, but what are you sporting? Cs?”
“Something like that,” I answered, not really interested in carrying on this conversation. “Shit happens, though.”
“Yeah, it does.”
He pushed away from the wall and stalked my direction to blow smoke in my face.
“You’ll stop giving as much of a fuck about that shit if you relax a little.”
“Oh yeah?” I made a show of waving my hand to push the smoke away. “Maybe I need to give a fuck.”
A shrug of his shoulder. “If you say so.”
Kyle reached up to grab my head and pull my mouth down to his, nipped at my bottom lip with his front teeth before dragging me closer to shove his tongue into my mouth. I wasn’t sure why I let him. It didn’t make sense why I would make out with a guy that meant nothing to me when I had one as good as Noah right there waiting.
Maybe it was because I didn’t care if I lost Kyle over some stupid fight or a bad breakup, but losing Noah would destroy me. It would push me over that edge where all the fantasies I had of ending my life would become actual possibilities.
Only Noah kept me balanced, only he helped me keep it together so I didn’t lose myself to the deep blank space of apathy. He made me care about myself; but only because he saw something worthy of attention.
I couldn’t lose that.
Lose him.
So, I made out with a guy I didn’t really like all that much, even if I did so in secret.
The bathroom door kicked open hard enough to slam against a wall. I pulled away at the sound, startled, afraid it might be a teacher or, worse, Noah.
It was just Emmett Madison and James Stevens, two of Kyle’s friends. All three of them were punks with bad attitudes. They both cocked a brow walking in, but it was Emmett that spoke up.
“Don’t let us stop you. We just came here to smoke.”
James grabbed the joint from Kyle’s hand, the two newcomers standing up against a wall while Kyle leaned a hip on the counter next to me.
“What are you idiots up to this morning?” Kyle asked.
“Nothing,” Emmett answered in that strangled voice kids had while they were trying to hold smoke in their lungs. “Ditching first period because US history is fucking bullshit.”
“All school is fucking bullshit,” James commented, taking another hit from the joint.
He held it up to offer to me, but I shook my head.
“What are you two doing?” Emmett laughed and elbowed James, his eyes bouncing between Kyle and me.
“Just hanging out,” Kyle answered, his stare lifting to me.
James grinned. “We could see that. We can also see that someone forgot to wrap the girls. Nice rack, Ens.”
Glancing down at my shirt, I hunched my shoulders, but it didn’t help to hide anything. That’s what happens when your clothes are old. They’re always a little too small or a little too thin and threadbare.
“It’s that obvious, huh?”
“Sure is,” Emmett laughed. “Show them to us.”
My head snapped up. “No.”
“Why not?” James asked. He looked at Kyle. “Did you get to play with them before we got here?”
“Nah, man. I didn’t.”
“Show them to us,” Emmett said again, and I moved to jump off the counter to leave.
“Fuck you all.”
“Aww, don’t be like that, Ens.”
James stepped forward and grabbed my shirt, attempting to lift it over my head. When I spun on him to slap his hand away, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me closer, spinning me again to slam my back against a wall.
“Why you gotta be a tease?” His hand slid up to cup my breast from over my shirt. I kneed him between the legs, but he just grunted and squeezed his hand tighter. Emmett moved closer to help him hold me back.
“Let me go, assholes! This isn’t okay.”
James got in my face, a sick grin stretching his lips that told me he didn’t care all that much.
“We just want a peek, Ens. You’re gonna show up at school like that, obviously you want the attention.”
Grabbing my other wrist, James shoved both above my head to pin them to the wall. I tried to fight back, but Emmett used a leg to trap mine in place.
Kyle stepped up and flicked the joint to the ground, his eyes locking to mine.
“It’s fine, Ensley. Stop fighting. You might actually like what we want to do.”
Tears burned my eyes, but I refused to blink them away, my teeth clenching together when Kyle stepped closer and tugged my shirt up to my chin. A low whistle blew over his lips as he stared at my chest.
“Look at those beauties.” His fingers brushed my breast, a thumb rubbing over the nipple.
Emmett laughed to my right, his eyes taking in all there was to see while James reached up to play with my other breast. Unlike Kyle, he wasn’t as gentle, his fingers squeezing with brutal force.
“I’m hard just looking at them. What do you say, Ens? Feel like giving us all a ride? Nice and slow, up against the sinks.”
“Get the fuck off of me,” I roared, but it only made them laugh harder.
Ripping me from the wall, they shoved me to the sinks, Kyle’s hands fighting to undo my pants while Emmett and James held me in place. Emmett’s meaty hands reached to feel me up, my stomach lurching at his rough skin.
Kyle freed the button and was tugging the pants off my hips, their laughter smothering me while bile shot up my throat. I tried to kick at them where they stood behind me, but it was useless.
With my pants around my ankles, I flinched as Kyle shoved down my underwear next, his hand reaching between my legs as the bathroom door slammed open.
“What the hell is going on in here?”
My head snapped left to see Coach Henderson standing in the doorway, his face red, nostrils flared and a tendon popping out on his neck.
Kyle leaned down to whisper in my ear.
“Go ahead and tell him, Ens. Then it will spread all over school and Noah will try to kick my ass. It’ll be fun ruining the fuckboy’s pretty face while getting him kicked off the team.”
My head dropped forward, tears staining my cheeks. I couldn’t get Noah in trouble. Kyle was right. He’d fly off the handle and try to kill someone. He’d lose everything because of me.
“Ensley, are these boys hurting you?”
I shook my head, the tears falling harder. “No. They...we...”
“Ensley?”
“It’s consensual,” I lied, lifting my head to look at him.
A vein throbbed at his temple, and he slammed the door open wider. “All four of you to the front office now. We don’t allow this behavior in our school.”
The three of them let me go, stepping away as I moved to pull my clothes back in place.
I couldn’t let Noah find out about this. I wouldn’t risk him that way.
Promising myself I would kick Kyle’s ass myself, I grabbed my bag to follow Coach Henderson into the hall.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Ensley
September 16, 1996
“I love you, Ens. When I get big someday, I’m going to marry you.”
<
br /> My lips curled at the corners, and I tapped a finger against Quinn’s nose.
“You can’t marry me. I’m your sister. Sorry to burst your bubble, little guy, but that’s not allowed. But, I bet you are going to be super handsome when you get bigger and will have a million girls trying to be your wife.”
Quinn scrunched his nose while my sisters laughed from their beds. All three of them had been on their best behavior tonight while Mom pretended to be the best parent in the world to impress her newest boyfriend, Richard.
After dinner, she’d asked me to take the kids back to the room and read them a story. Quinn used my bed now instead of the couch in the living room. It was fine since I didn’t sleep here anyway. I would lie down beside them each night, sure to keep a fair rotation, but then sneak off when they were drooling and snoring.
“Why were you home today when our bus pulled up?”
I turned to look at Lena’s little face.
“Because I’m going to be home for the next week, which means I’ll be home tomorrow and the next day too. Isn’t that cool?”
She nodded, a smile stretching her face.
Actually, it wasn’t cool.
After being dragged to the office, I was given five days suspension. The school called my mom to report what happened, and I was surprised she was awake to pick up the phone. When the school told her she needed to come in for a conference and drive me home, she lied and said she was sick. That they should let me walk.
At least, we had our lies coordinated, even though we’d never talked about it. But that had been mom’s excuse since my first day in kindergarten; it wasn’t a long shot for me to have used it.
“All right, you three. Close your eyes. You have school tomorrow and need your sleep.”
Lena, Quinn and Devin were good kids. They rarely cried about anything or misbehaved. They made my life easy, and if I ever had kids of my own, I hoped they’d be as good as these three. As soon as I told them to close their eyes, they did without complaint.
I lay next to Quinn and listened to the low din of conversation between Mom and Richard from the living room. I couldn’t hear what they were talking about, not that I really cared. I was just waiting out the time it would take for these three stinkers to fall asleep.