by Ali Carter
‘But Donald’s certain someone was at the riverbank. Said he could see the torch fer his window.’
‘Well, well, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. We can discuss it further tomorrow, not now.’ Zoe, lady of the manor, had the upper hand.
‘Hmmm. Well. Right ye are then, I’ll drop in first thing. Make sure youse lock your doors tonight.’
‘As we always do, Stuart. I’ll come to you in the morning. First thing after breakfast.’
That was that. The man turned to leave and Zoe, without any further ado, burst into the sitting room. ‘Everyone,’ she announced as the door shut behind us, ‘this is Susie Mahl.’
Eight faces were staring at me from comfy sofas and chairs. The fire crackled, my legs wobbled, and all of a sudden I felt slightly sick.
‘Sweetheart,’ beckoned Zoe, although there was no need, as the Earl of Muchton had dropped his end of the conversation and crossed the room.
‘Susie, welcome, I’m Fergus.’ His firm handshake made up in strength what his overall appearance lacked. I think Zoe must wear the trousers in this house.
‘Thank you for having me.’
‘It’s wonderful to have you all here.’ Fergus’s gaze cast across the room and rested on his wife with a look of satisfied congratulation: at first glance it seemed they’d certainly assembled a remarkably diverse group.
Zoe, full of beans, touched my arm and whispered in my ear, ‘I’m terribly glad to see you’re in a polo neck. Some of these lot look distinctly unprepared.’
‘Right,’ said our hostess. ‘From left to right, let’s see if I can remember…This is Jane Atkinson…’
‘Silent “t”,’ said Jane, a hoity-toity woman with I’m-happy-post-menopause-letting-myself-go-a-bit written all over her ample figure. ‘You pronounce it A… kinson. I always think it’s better to put people straight from the beginning.’
‘Yes, of course, I am sorry.’ Zoe moved on. ‘Felicity Jennings, that’s right, isn’t it?’
‘Yes, hello, Susie,’ said Felicity, and Jane turned to give her a smile. I think these two come as a pair.
‘Hello, Miss Mahl,’ said a man getting up and marching across the room in a pair of red trousers so sharp on the eye they’d clearly been bought for the occasion. ‘I’m Rupert Higbert.’ His brash hand shook mine, after which he retired to stand next to Fergus.
‘Susie,’ said Zoe. ‘We must congratulate Lianne Madaki and Shane Taylor, two A-level students from London who won sponsored places on this week.’
‘Hiya, Susie,’ said Lianne, showing no signs of a chill despite her scantily clad figure.
‘All right, Miss Mahl.’ Shane gave me a cocky wink.
‘That’s great. Well done, you two. So clever.’
Zoe continued to the end of the group. ‘Araminta Froglan-Home-Mybridge and Giles Chesterton, another set of A-level students.’
I did well not to smirk at the name of the skinny girl with a dimple in her chin.
‘It’s lovely to meet you all,’ I said as the door behind me opened.
‘And…’ Zoe turned, ‘here he is, Louis Bouchon.’
Oooh – it’s a turn-up for the books to have male company of about my age.
Zoe smiled as if introducing an old friend. I wonder if Louis is here as a visitor, a student or both?
‘Hello, I’m Susie.’
‘Hello, Susie.’ This Frenchman’s handsome head gave a nonchalant nod as he passed by and settled in the one free armchair.
Fergus began, ‘As I have you all gathered, I’d like to run through a few things. Do take a seat, Susie. Here.’ He pulled a very unsteady-looking bamboo chair slightly out from the wall. I sat down, it collapsed, everyone laughed.
My goodness my bottom was sore.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I said, getting up.
Fergus offered his hand a fraction too late.
‘Don’t be,’ giggled Zoe, ‘it’s absolutely not your fault.’ She stretched out her foot and pushed the broken pieces into the skirting board.
‘Here.’ Louis tapped the arm of his chair and I crossed the room to perch my poor bottom next to him.
‘To continue,’ said Fergus, ‘I hope you’ve all brought the timetables we sent you. If not, Zoe can muster up a couple of spares.’
‘What’s muster, Mr?’ said Shane as Giles let out a snort.
‘I meant Zoe will get you another one. But that’s by the bye.’ Shane still looked confused. ‘What I want to say is, firstly, Zoe and I would like to welcome you all into our house and we do hope you will get a lot out of the forthcoming week. It goes without saying, we’re very lucky to have Susie Mahl here as our tutor.’ Fergus paused, I blushed, he then cleared his throat and continued. ‘This is a residency for all abilities and Susie is on hand to help you throughout. In a moment Zoe will take you round the layout of the house and show you all to your respective rooms. Following this you’re free to do as you wish until dinner; it’ll be in the dining room at eight.’
Fergus’s delivery was military to a T, literally – he must have had a spell in the armed forces. Quite a wise career move, between graduating and inheriting, if a non-negotiable future awaits. Why bother building a career if when Daddy dies you’ll have to chuck it in? Passing the time learning the skill of organising people and forming a solid group of front-line friends, all within an institution that represses independent thinking – what an advantage.
‘Do any of you have any questions?’ said Zoe, softening her husband’s tone.
No one said a thing and before you could catch a rabbit we were being whisked round the stately reception rooms of the first floor.
Lights flicked on and off as we were taken in and out of vast spaces, the atmosphere of the eighteenth-century Grand Tour reverberating in the architecture and its decoration. Pilasters, cornices, pediments and lintels were scattered throughout. But the painted ceilings, no matter what their colour – pale green, pale blue, pale peach, white, dark blue, dark green, dark red – cracked before our eyes, and with just a few remaining flecks of gold leaf clinging to various mantelpiece reliefs the splendour of the past was hard to grasp. The paintings, on the other hand, were in great order, cleaned and hanging in spotless frames. When I’d asked whether one particularly striking dog was a Gainsborough, Zoe replied, ‘As none of you have been here before, Fergus will, I’m sure, make allowances and give you his once-a-year tour of the pictures at some point.’
Louis, who’d been dragging his rather nice suede Derby lace-ups ever since the orientation tour began, made an effort to reach my side. I had assumed he was bored having seen it all before, but when he said under his breath, ‘I’d be interested in having a tour of the paintings too,’ I realised I’d judged him too quickly – he was here as a student not as a guest of the family after all.
As Zoe pushed open a door into the drawing room, it let out a musty exhale and in we went.
‘Fergus and I don’t often use this,’ she said, flicking a switch. Yellow light cast down from a dusty crystal chandelier, settling on various pieces of drab furniture. ‘But I thought I’d show you anyway.’
‘Not many paintings in here?’ came Rupert’s rhetorical question as he stared at the darker rectangular patches on the green walls. They were particularly noticeable in artificial light.
‘We recently moved them to some of the spare rooms,’ Zoe said. ‘Felicty, you’ve got a nice portrait in yours.’
‘Ain’t look like you ever use this room?’ said Shane.
‘Very occasionally,’ said Zoe. ‘That fire,’ her forefinger shot out towards a carved wood surround, ‘throws out the heat when it’s lit. But come on, no time to dilly-dally.’ We were shuffled back out the door and on into a pretty much empty adjacent room.
‘This one we call the music room, it’s where you’ll be drawing. I assure you these floor-to-ceiling windows let in a lot of daylight.’
I bet they do; there’s a string of them running the entire length of the mottled deep plum
wall.
‘Easels and drawing boards are over there,’ Zoe’s head nodded at the opposite wall, ‘and as you can see we’ve pushed bits of furniture to one side.’
That’s all that’s in here, no paintings, no flowers, no side tables, no figurines, no magazines, no rugs, and despite my critical reaction to the similar un-homely effect earlier, I’m rapidly beginning to understand: the Muchtons don’t have the vast sums of money their surroundings demand. Keeping on top of maintenance in a house of this scale must cost a bomb – Zoe and Fergus’s coffers simply aren’t deep enough. No surprise they’re filling their house with strangers, running sign-up-and-pay courses to bring in a penny or two. But can money buy a remedy for the melancholy within these walls? And if so, they’re going to need an awful lot of it to achieve the revamp.
Zoe was striding towards the far end of the room. ‘Susie,’ she said as she thrust back a folding door, ‘you can expand into the billiards room if needs be.’
‘Billiards is another name for snooker,’ red-trousered Rupert translated to Shane.
‘But,’ said Lianne, ‘why’s that called a billiard room…’
‘Billiards,’ corrected Jane.
‘Billiards and this a music room if they ain’t got no snooker table or sound system in them?’
‘Once upon a time,’ recalled Zoe, ‘they had a billiards table and a piano in them and maybe one day in the future they will again.’ And with that ambitious thought we were all paraded into the library.
This room, or ‘snug’ as Zoe said they tended to refer to it, had bookcases lining the walls. A lovely old-fashioned arrangement. I couldn’t help tracing a finger along the complete works of Sir Walter Scott, the collected poetry of Robert Burns, and on into a selection of John Buchan’s rip-roaring tales.
Zoe caught me out of the corner of her eye and smiled. ‘You must all feel free to borrow books while you’re here but please remember to put them back before you leave.’
‘Thank you,’ I said as I helped myself to The 39 Steps.
The bookcases were interrupted by a little fire waiting to be lit, and set back from it, covered in dog hair, was a semi-circle of sunken soft furniture – I think Haggis likes to curl up in here.
‘More than a trace of cigars,’ scoffed Giles, proud at having identified the smell.
‘No smoking in the house any more,’ said Zoe. ‘But this is where you can watch telly and play board games. They’re in that chest over there.’ She pointed up the other end of the room towards the only window. To the right of it there was a tall, elegant, Victorian writing bureau with a carpet-covered trunk lying beneath it.
‘If you do light the fire, which you may at any time, please, please, always put the guard in front of it and make sure to shut the door when you leave.’
‘Does anyone play bridge?’ said Jane A(t)kinson.
‘Far too complicated for me,’ Rupert said, shaking his head.
‘I do, at Cotswold Ladies’ College,’ said Araminta, who apparently prefers to be called Minty.
‘I’m so pleased to hear they still teach you,’ said Jane, ‘it was part of the curriculum there in my day.’
‘You went to my school?’ said Minty.
‘Yes, I’m an OC.’
‘OC?’ Felicity was confused.
‘Old Cotswoldian, it’s what members of the former pupils’ network are called.’
Zoe took us out of the library (I can’t quite bring myself to call it a snug) and paused for a moment at the foot of the stairs. ‘Before we go up, I’ll just point out that door,’ she said; it was behind the staircase. ‘If you go through it, first on your right is the door to the basement, that’s where the drying room is.’
‘Expecting rain, are we?’ said Rupert.
‘It’s Scotland,’ said Giles.
‘There will be rain and sun,’ smiled Zoe. ‘But regardless, I’d like you all to keep your outdoor kit in the drying room, please. It makes for a tidy house.’
‘Of course,’ said Felicity with a tremble in her voice.
Zoe gazed at her, making sure everything was all right, and Jane for some reason squeezed her friend’s hand.
‘Now,’ Zoe’s focus was back on the door behind the stairs, ‘if you go through there and turn left down the corridor and enter the second door on the right, you’ll find the dining room. I won’t show you now as Mhàiri Bannoch will be laying up.’
‘Mhàiri?’ said Jane, rather acutely.
‘Yes, you don’t know her, do you? That would be extraordinary.’ Zoe tee-heed at the possibility.
‘No, no. I just wanted to get her name straight. It’s Mhàiri not Mary, yes?’
‘Yes, Maaaaarie,’ said Zoe, opening her mouth wide as if encouraging us all to do the same. ‘She and her husband Donald have been here for years, part of the architecture of this place.’
I amused myself wondering if they needed a makeover too.
‘Okey dokey, time to go upstairs.’
I bent down to pick up my suitcase and all of a sudden Shane was hanging by my side, reaching for the laces of his white trainers. Lianne nudged his behind and whispered, ‘You don’t have to do that here.’
I’m in Shane’s camp. I don’t understand why anyone would wear shoes upstairs, especially rural folk what with animal dung, wet weather and all that, but they do, and you know what – either there are very good cleaners in the country or carpets don’t get as dirty as us born-townies would think.
Facing us as we went upstairs was a console table on the landing covered in photographs of Fergus and Zoe. A pre-offspring collection of romantic duos – one from their wedding day, a let’s-lie-down-in-the-heather shot, and a couple of staged, possibly engagement photos. Jane leaned in to have a better look, but it was Felicity who paid the compliment, ‘What a gorgeous couple.’
Zoe’s eyes sparkled and she almost looked pretty. ‘Thank you,’ she smiled. ‘Now, spread yourselves out along this side of the landing.’
It was a square design, open to the stairwell with a gallery around it. A delightful collection of oil sketches crowded the walls and I could just make out the signature E. Landseer Harris. I’m surprised they’re Landseer, as I’ve only ever seen his large majestic Scottish paintings. Those are a bit much for my taste but these little gems are absolutely lovely, great big loose brush strokes on wood panel.
‘So,’ said Zoe with her back against the wall, motioning to her left and right, ‘these are the north-east and north-west wing corridors and directly opposite are the south-east and south-west wing corridors. We have plenty of rooms and half as many bathrooms.’
She pointed under an arch to her left. ‘Fergus, Haggis and I are down there, and, Louis, if you trot down the north-west wing,’ she was now pointing at a dark corridor on her right, ‘you’ll find the first door opens to the Blue Room, yours. Rupert, you’re just beyond Louis, there’s a bathroom between you to share. Donald should have carried your bags up by now, that’s if you all labelled them.’
‘Is there time for a nap?’ said Rupert.
‘Yes, yes, do have a bit of time out before dinner.’ Zoe took a step further along the landing, and flung open a door. ‘Felicity, your en-suite twin is in here, and Jane, here you go, yours is just a bit further down…a small double.’ She flicked a switch and the whole house fell into darkness.
‘Blast,’ she stamped her foot, ‘there must be a fault.’
Giles’s mobile phone lit up.
‘Fergus, angel,’ Zoe hollered over the banister. ‘We have a problem.’
Fergus had a torch in hand at the bottom of the stairs.
‘I realised,’ he mocked. ‘Hang on there and I’ll go to the fuse box.’
‘What are you going to do?’ said Jane, rather boldly I thought.
‘Anyone got a candle?’ called out Rupert.
‘Don’t worry, the lights will be back on in a sec,’ reassured Zoe.
‘OoooOOOooo,’ mimicked Shane, but before any of us had time to feel frig
htened the lights were on again.
‘Voila,’ rejoiced Zoe.
‘Darling?’ Fergus was coming up the stairs.
‘Yes?’
‘The Rose room’s wiring is faulty. A spark came out the box when I flicked the switch.’
Zoe marched straight into what was going to be Jane’s room.
‘No, my love,’ said Fergus. ‘The electrics are faulty, the lights in there won’t work. I’ve turned them off at the main switch.’
Zoe came back out with Jane’s suitcase in her hand. ‘I am terribly sorry about this.’
‘You can share with me?’ offered Felicity, hovering in her doorway.
Fergus’s and Zoe’s eyebrows rose, both hoping Jane would say ‘yes please’.
‘Can’t you fix it?’ said Jane, staring at Fergus.
‘I’ll try and call our electrician tomorrow, but I’m afraid we won’t be able to sort it out tonight.’ He took charge of the suitcase in Zoe’s hand.
‘My room’s lovely,’ said Felicity. ‘There are two large single beds.’
Jane forced a smile and in she went.
‘Right,’ Zoe continued, ‘everyone else, follow me.’
Tapping a relatively new door under the arch of the south-east wing, she explained, ‘This is locked, it isn’t used.’ Then, continuing on around the square she went under an arch opposite and flicked a switch. Sporadic energy-saving light bulbs began to glow and as we waited for them to brighten she informed us, ‘This is what we call the children’s corridor.’
It was glum to say the least and smelt exactly how you’d imagine a cold old house’s childless children’s corridor would. The lights came up to speed and Zoe’s kilt swung from her hips as she trotted down the well-worn drugget carpet. ‘There are two bathrooms to share. I suggest girls take one and boys the other.’
The first door on her left took a shove from her shoulder before it scraped across a crowning wooden floor. We all hovered in the doorway as she went in. There was a sunken single bed pushed up against the wall and a wardrobe against another, opposite. A pokey curtained window with a few ragged hardbacks piled chaotically on its ledge faced us. Zoe read out the label on the moleskin bag. ‘Giles Chesterton, you’re in here. But, before you make yourself at home, come and I’ll talk you through the plumbing.’