Dirty Sweet Cowboy

by Bentley, Jess

  Hawk is smart enough not to push me. He gathers up his things and walks out without another word, leaving me with my tea, and my anger, to figure out how I am going to survive the next month without ripping him limb from limb .

  * * *

  I spent the rest of the day in the stables, grooming the horses and cleaning out the stalls. I even told Anna to take the night off so I could have some space, so she took Gracie out for dinner to give me quiet. When it comes down to it, the only place I can think, or calm down, is in the stables. And Moonfire seems to know that I need peace, so she nuzzles me while I brush out her mane. It’s only when I hear footsteps crunching on the hay behind me that myself stomach starts to knot up again .

  “The stables are closed,” I call out behind me, not caring who it is .

  “This isn’t a store or a restaurant. Unless the horses pack their bags and leave, the stables never really close .”

  Hawk’s voice sends a shiver through me, and I have to remind myself not to take out my prickling anger on Moonfire’s mane .

  “Go away, Hawk. I’m busy .”

  Hawk walks up to Moonfire and gives her an affectionate slap on the haunches .

  “I can’t believe this old girl is still here .”

  “Yeah, well, your father knows I love her, and every so often, he does a good thing. What do you want, Hawk? I’m really not in the mood to …”

  “I’m sorry, Parrish .”

  I turn to him, unable to hide the surprise on my face. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say those words before in my life. Well, say them and actually make me believe you mean them, anyway .”

  “I guess I’m like my father in that way. Once a year, I do something decent. And this is it. I’m sorry. For everything. For making you think I’m just here to capitalize on the ranch. For disappearing. For not coming back any of the times I should have. I know I’m an asshole and I’ve made mistakes but I want to try to make it right. Can you ever forgive me ?”

  He takes a step toward me, and I take a step back, but I don’t know why. I want him to get away from me, to leave me alone, to leave for good and never come back. But when he kisses me, I lose my desire to fight him off, as much as I hate him. If I hate him… Is it hate that I feel? I don’t even know anymore as his lips press against mine. But then some semblance of common sense comes back. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep getting sucked in, and getting hurt, and repeating this cycle while he’s here, when he’s only going to leave again .

  It takes all of my strength, but I push him away. He looks shocked, and hurt, but I can’t let myself care .

  “Please, Hawk. Just go. I can’t do this. Not again .”

  He nods. “If that’s what you want, Parrish .”

  “It’s what I want .”

  He walks out of the stable, and a tear falls down my cheek as I think, it’s not what I want. But it’s what I need .

  Hawk

  I lay in my bed, the same bed I slept in every night when I was kid, and I stare up at the ceiling, my mind racing. Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep letting myself fall into her arms? Parrish isn’t the girl I slept with all those years after too many beers. She’s my brother’s wife. My best friend. Matt was the guy I turned to whenever things got shitty. He was the only person in the world who understood why I am the way I am. And now, I feel like I’m betraying him. I stayed away because I didn’t want to make things complicated for him and Parrish, and now? I’m only making things worse. Matt is gone, and I can’t bring him back, but he will never really be gone. He’s everywhere, taking up every inch of space on the ranch. His spirit wanders around behind me with every step I take, and I would never want it any other way. But at the same time, it makes me feel like an ever bigger asshole every time I look at Parrish and think about how sexy, how beautiful, she is. Every time I touch her. Every time we …

  Dear God, I am a shit .

  I roll over, and look out the open window of my bedroom, which looks right out to the carriage house. I can see a light on in Parrish’s bedroom. I wonder what she is thinking, what she is doing. I wonder if she is angry with me for putting her in this position, and for continually screwing everything up between us. I don’t even understand myself why I keep doing it. Why I keep letting my defenses down and falling for her all over again. I mean, I do understand. It’s her strength, and her beauty, and her courage. The fact she’s raising a daughter and working and putting up with my crazy-ass family. When we were teenagers, she was smart, and independent. But she has grown into such a self-assured woman, and she doesn’t take any of my garbage. She never really did, but now …

  I think I deserve it .

  I roll onto my back and sigh. When I came back here, I knew it was going to be hard. But I never expected any of this. I never expected …

  Knock knock knock .

  I shoot up, and look at my door. Oh god, Parrish wouldn’t come over here in the middle of the night… would she ?

  “Are you awake?” Anna whispers through the door. I groan, almost gratefully, glad I don’t have to deal with anything awkward .

  “Yeah, I am,” I whisper back, forgetting we’re both adults and allowed to do whatever we want now. Anna opens the door and slips in, and I can’t help but laugh at her pajamas, covered in dinosaurs. For a second, I wonder if she had them when we were kids .

  Anna sits on the edge of my bed and gives me a serious glare. “What are you doing, Hawk ?”

  I look at her, confused. “What do you mean ?”

  She rolls her eyes at me. “I’m not blind, Hawk. You think I don’t see what is going on here ?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I know exactly what she is talking about .

  Anna picks a pillow up off the floor and smacks me in the head with it. Hard. I try to grab it from her, but she’s faster than I am. Her long red hair whips around her face and her blue eyes rage .

  “Don’t talk to me like I’m idiot. I’m not a child anymore. Plus, I went to the stables earlier to grab my sweatshirt and I saw something that I wouldn’t be able to scrub from my brain with bleach and a Brillo pad .”

  I collapse back on my bed and groan. “Shit. I’m sorry, Short Stack. I didn’t mean …”

  She hits me with the pillow again. “You can say you’re sorry until the cows come home but it won’t change what I saw. And what you’re doing. Listen, I know that you and Parrish have history, history that predates her and Matt …”

  My eyes go wide. “You know ?”

  “Parrish is my best friend, Hawk. I know everything. But you don’t know anything . Parrish is vulnerable, and sensitive. She hasn’t so much as talked to another man since Matt died. She spends all of her time on this ranch, either working or with Gracie. Then you show up, with your bullshit and charm, and you upend everything. And you’re just going to leave again, Hawk. You’re going to screw up her life, confuse her, then leave. Which is exactly what you did the first time, and there is no Matt here to heal her broken heart now. I love you, Hawk. You’re my brother. I will always love you. But please. Don’t be a dick .”

  I don’t even know what to say to her. Because Anna is right. I know she is. I can’t just show up here and destroy Parrish’s peace. But I also don’t know what to do, how to move forward .

  “What do I do, Anna? What would you do ?”

  Anna scoffs. “I wouldn’t have slept with her to begin with. I’m not really into blondes .”

  I can’t help but laugh. “Okay, discounting that. What would you do ?”

  “You need to make a decision, Hawk. If you know that you’re just going to saddle up and ride out of here at the end of the month, then stop. Stop stringing her along. Stop… boning her in the barn,” Anna says with a shiver. “Stop writing checks you don’t intend to cash. Just… stop, Hawk .”

  I nod, even though I don’t know how I’m going to take her advice. “I promise to think about it .”

  Anna just shakes her head as she gets
up, but then, I feel like I’m a kid again, and I don’t want to be alone. “Anna, wait. Can you sleep on the pull out? I mean, is that weird ?”

  She laughs. “Why would it be weird? Get up and help me .”

  We drag the trundle bed out from under my own, which thanks to my mother’s neurotic housekeeping skills is perfectly made, and Anna pushes it against the window seat. Then she curls up under the quilt and within seconds, she’s snoring. I forgot how quickly she passes out .

  In spite of all the anxiety swirling inside of me, the comfort of having Anna nearby lulls me into a dreamless, peaceful sleep .

  Parrish

  I don’t know why, but I didn’t expect everything to happen so quickly with the build. When I woke up, before Gracie even had a chance to shout for her overnight diaper change, the first thing I heard was the rumbling of trucks coming down the gravel road. I walked outside in my bathroom to see contractors and builders and the trucks coming to clear the land barreling on to the ranch. Now, with Gracie at school, I can focus on trying to organize the chaos that is currently descending on our home, even though it’s the last thing I feel like doing .

  “Parrish! Get over here and meet Russell!” Sam yells at me from the porch of the office. I stack up my copies of the blueprints and walk outside, where Sam is talking to a man about his age, but far more weathered and muscular. He’s wearing a cowboy hat, and has boots with spurs. I have to remind myself not to chuckle. I’m sure this is one of Sam’s old buddies from back in the day, and that’s probably why he’s here .

  “Parrish, this is Russell Edwards. He’s going to be overseeing the building process, so he’ll be coming to you with any changes or expenses. Russell, are you okay with that?” Sam asks .

  Russell looks me up and down in a way that makes me vaguely uncomfortable. “More than fine,” he drawls. My nose inadvertently crinkles, and I pull my sweater around my chest tighter .

  “Nice to meet you, Russell. Sam, it’s going to be impossible for me to get any work done with all of this noise. Do you mind if I forward calls to my cell and work in the ranch house today ?”

  Russell is still watching me out of the corner of his eye, and I take a few instinctive steps back. Sam doesn’t seem aware of anything. He’s watching the contractor as he walks toward the back side of the ranch with Hawk. “Sure, whatever you need to do, honey .”

  I hurry back in the office and shut the door behind me. I’m not sure what it is about Russell that puts me so on edge, but I have no intention of finding out. I will just keep as much distance between us possible, and when I can’t, make sure someone else is with us .

  I pack up everything I need and put it in my bag, then rush out the back door so I don’t have face to Russell again. I’m halfway to the house, weighed down with all of my crap, when my cell starts ringing from inside of my pocket. I groan as I shuffle everything around and start digging for it. When I finally find it, I don’t recognize the number .

  “Hello?” I mumble as I try to grab my messenger bag before it slides off my shoulder .

  “Is this Parrish McCormick?” a woman’s voice asks. She is British. I don’t recognize her .

  “It is. May I ask who this is ?”

  “My name is Simone Leoni, and I’m a writer for Modern Architecture . I’ve been put in touch with you about doing a piece on the farm restoration, and I was hoping I could set up a visit .”

  I open the front door and drop all of my stuff on the floor with a sigh. “It’s a ranch, not a farm. And I imagine you should be talking to Hawk about this, not me ?”

  “I was specifically given your information by Hawk. He said to coordinate with you .”

  I roll my eyes so hard, it hurts my head. “Fine. What do you need from me ?”

  “Just tell me when I can come out. Hawk told my editor that I could stay for the duration of the renovation to photograph it, and interview everyone as it progresses .”

  “He said what ?” There is no way in hell I want a reporter living on the ranch while all of this is going on, let alone getting up in everyone’s business, interviewing them, and taking pictures of us. “Miss Leoni …”

  “Simone, please .”

  I roll my eyes again. “Simone. There is a lot going on here right now and I’m not sure it’s in anyone’s best interest or safety, especially yours, to have you here for such a... protracted length of time. If you’d like to come for a week, perhaps we can put you up in the carriage house, and my daughter and I can move into the main house. But a whole month seems …”

  She cuts me off. “I promise to stay out of your way, lovey. You won’t even know I’m there. Besides, my ticket is already booked and Hawk said it was okay .”

  I feel my cheeks start to burn and my insides start bubble with rage. “Well, Simone. If Hawk already set everything up and told you it was fine, I’m not sure why anyone cared what I thought. This seems more like a call to inform me what is happening, regardless of my opinion, than a call to ask my permission .”

  “I didn’t realize you’d been left out of the loop, and I’m sorry for that, Parrish. I hope we can be friends when I get there!” Her tone is perky and grating on me given the morning I’ve had, so rather than argue, I just relent .

  “Fine. Fine fine. When are you coming ?”

  “I’ll be out there tomorrow afternoon. I’m leaving Los Angeles in the morning, and then I’ll take a car from Helena .”

  I snort laugh. “You’re ‘taking a car?’ You realize how far Dylan is from Helena, right ?”

  “Not to worry! The magazine will pay for it. I look forward to meeting you, Parrish!” And then, she hangs up, before I can say anything else. I drop the phone back in my pocket and grit my teeth .

  “Anna!” I scream at the top of my lungs. It’s early, and I suspect she’s still asleep, but I refuse to rage alone. “Anna! Where are you?” I yell up the stairs. A moment later, she comes shuffling down the hallway in her pajamas, a quilt wrapped around her shoulders, and her hair in a shaggy pony tail off the side of her head. She rubs her eyes and yawns .

  “What the hell are you screaming about, girl? Do you know what time it is ?”

  I cross my arms over my chest and scowl. “Do you know anything about this reporter ?”

  Anna yawns again as she walks down the stairs. “What reporter? I need coffee before we start raging about anything, please. I slept on the pull-out and it’s like sleeping on a bed of nails .”

  I raise an eyebrow at her. “The pull-out in Hawk’s room? Why ?”

  “He was having a thing last night. It’s not worth discussing .”

  “Speaking of,” I say as I follow her into the kitchen, “where is your dear brother? I’d like to have some words with him .”

  She turns on the coffee maker and jumps up on the counter as it starts to brew. “I have no idea, actually. He was gone when I woke up, which is when you started screaming at me. What the hell is going on ?”

  I grab the fresh-squeezed orange juice out of the fridge and pour myself a glass with a sigh. “You’re not going to believe this. Hawk told a reporter she could stay here for a month, for the entire length of the renovation. How the good goddamn am I going to get anything done with a reporter under my feet ?”

  Anna shrugs as she pours herself a cup of coffee. “The same way you do everything, Parrish. You manage. And if she’s in the way, you tell her she’s in the way. And you tell Hawk to stop making decisions like this without consulting you first. It doesn’t seem like much to ask .”

  I nod. “I know you’re right. I just wish he’d stop acting like he runs this place .”

  “That’s Hawk. He’s always been a bossy jerk. Keep reminding him it’s not his place. He needs a swift boot in the ass. And not just your hand on it .”

  My jaw drops. “Anna! What are you? What? I don’t know… What ?”

  “Don’t bother. I know what’s going on .”

  My shoulders drop and my stomach swirls. “He told you ?”
r />   “I left my coat in the stable last night .”

  I cover my face with my hands in shame and groan. “Oh, my god. Anna, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry .”

  She waves a dismissive hand at me. “Forget about it. But if you’re going to keep doing that, you need to make sure he still knows you’re in charge around here. Which you are. No making decisions without your input. No bringing reporters to live here without permission. We’re not going to survive without killing each other if you don’t assert yourself a little bit .”

  “I know. I promise. I’ll be better. So. How do we deal with this reporter ?”

  Anna sips her coffee and shakes her head. “Just ignore her. Let her do whatever she going to do, because she’s going to do it regardless of what we want. The story will help dad sell some horses, and may make some more money on that merger. But we just… ignore her .”

  “Ignore who?” Hawk says as he walks into the kitchen. He’s wearing a jacket over top of a tank top, like he rolled out of bed and just ran out of the house. His boots aren’t tied, and the button of his jeans is undone. He looks rumpled and sexy and I have to look at his feet so I can maintain some of my anger .

  “The reporter you told to come here without consulting any of us first,” I say, looking at my juice .

  “What? I told you she was coming,” he answers defensively .

  “You didn’t say for a month, Hawk. And you didn’t tell anyone she would be staying here,” Anna snaps at him .

  “Where else would she stay? How is she going to cover the reno if she’s not on the property ?”

  I cross over to stand next to Anna so I can soak up a little of her sassiness. “Hawk, there are already going to be builders, landscapers, and contractors everywhere. It’s going to be loud and chaotic. And you want to add someone to the mix who is going to be all up in our business, twenty-four seven, for a month? Do you have any idea how intrusive it is going to be for them, for us, to have a reporter taking photos and asking questions the entire time? And is she just covering the build? Did we set any boundaries? She’s not going to be asking us personal questions, is she ?”