Devil Said Bang

by Richard Kadrey

Page 31

  Traven sips his mineral water. I probably shouldn’t have said that last part. I spooked the poor guy again.

  “I guess I finally saw the famous Via Dolorosa. ”

  “Yes. After you returned to Hell, I decided I couldn’t just read about all this arcane knowledge and do nothing with it. I had to act. I had to learn to make use of it. How do you think I did?”

  “You freaked out the Devil groupies pretty well, so good choice of ways to be scary. Just don’t try it on crackheads knocking over a gas station. It’s a little slow for that. ”

  Traven smiles his tired smile.

  “I’ll remember that. ”

  “Where does a nice academic like you pick up tips about something like the Dolorosa?”

  He hesitates. He runs a hand through his hair.

  “I found it in a sixteenth-century book of Baleful magic. ”

  I nod.

  “You know that’s illegal, right? You’re an outlaw. Jesse James with a dog collar. ”

  “Thank you,” he says. “What are you going to do now?”

  I wish I had a Veritas. It would help me answer the question. Muttonchops left his tarnished silver coin on a coffee table. I pick it up with my Kissi hand.

  “You’re going to help me decide. Kill King Cairo or talk to Teddy Osterberg about the girl and Saint James?”

  I flip the coin high in the air.

  “Call it, Father. ”

  “Heads,” he says.

  “Always an optimist. ”

  The coin hits the floor and I put my boot down on it.

  It’s heads.

  “You win. Which is it?”

  “Go talk to Teddy Osterberg. ”

  I go back to the buffet.

  “You didn’t care what the second choice was, did you? You just don’t want to make it easy for me to kill Cairo?”

  He shrugs.

  “Damned as I am, murder is still a hard thing for me to condone. ”

  “Like I said, you can’t help being a good guy. ”

  “Not yet. ”

  I wonder if Samael left any Maledictions downstairs.

  “You don’t happen to have a cigarette on you, do you?”

  Traven shakes his head.

  “I don’t smoke. ”

  “I was hoping you’d started. ”

  I go back to the food and pick up the Aqua Regia. Set it down and pour myself some black coffee.

  “Seeing your world. It’s frightening but exciting,” Traven says.

  “Thanks, but the truth is I’d rather you cracked the books. I need information from someone I can trust. Is there a way into Blue Heaven? And what’s the Qomrama Om Ya? I know it’s a weapon and Aelita wants it. But that’s all. Maybe you can find out why. ”

  “If you think that’s how I can be of the most help. ”

  I go to the window and look out in the direction of the Hollywood sign. It’s going to take some time to get used to being home.

  “Hey, Father. Is it me or did the sky turn green?”

  Traven comes to the window.

  “When did that happen?”

  “I don’t know. What kind of fucked-up poison is this city spewing to turn the whole sky a different color?”

  “I heard a strange story on the radio on the way over. They say that Catalina Island has disappeared. There was no earthquake, so it didn’t sink. It’s simply gone. And everyone on it. Almost four thousand souls are missing. ”

  Killer ghosts and missing islands. That sounds an awful lot like Aelita but where’s the percentage in killing off tourists? It’s not going to get her any closer to offing God. Unless He’s vacationing off the coast of L. A. under an assumed name. Does God have a secret yacht full of bathing beauties?

  It’s a fun thought but I don’t think Mr. Muninn is the sunbathing type.

             I ride the Hellion hog along the Pacific Coast Highway into the hills above Malibu. I figure that with a Gumby-colored sky and radio tall tales about Catalina as the new Atlantis, no one is going to pay attention to the bike. Manimal Mike has a garage. I’ll ask him if he can set me up with a set of plates. These cardboard-and-Sharpie ones are only convincing if you don’t actually look at them.

  As I hit the crest of the hill, my phone rings. I park the bike and answer. It’s Candy.

  “Holy hell. Where are those pictures from?”

  “My new digs,” I say. “I decided that if I’m stuck being Lucifer, I should live like him. ”

  “Can I come over and see them?”

  “Later. Right now I’m in Malibu seeing a guy who collects corpses like other people collect comics. ”

  “You know the most interesting people, Mr. Macheath. Call me when you get back. I want to come over and break some of your new stuff. ”

  “I think I can squeeze you in. Don’t eat before you come over. I have enough food to feed the Crusades. ”

  “Later, Bruce Wayne. ”

  “Later, Major Kusanagi. ”

  Teddy Osterberg’s place is a rolling green estate at the highest point of the Malibu hills. This area likes to dry out in the summer and burn even when it doesn’t go brown. You can tell Teddy’s place hasn’t had so much as a campfire in a century. It takes a lot of money and manpower to keep a spread this big green all year. A lot of company for a recluse.

  The house is a turn-of-the-century Gothic hulk. More like a bank than a house but with a view to West L. A. one way and practically to Japan the other. There’s a white Rolls-Royce Phantom convertible in the circular driveway. I knock on the door. A few seconds later, I hear footsteps and the door swings opens.

  I recognize him immediately. Teddy is the civilian at the synod with the nice suit and the Michelangelo manicure. He’s dark with sin signs but he comes from old money, so he was probably born prestained and has been piling it on ever since.

  I turn and point up.

  “Mr. Osterberg, does that sky look green to you?”

  “Hmm,” he says like a guy who’s seen much stranger things. “It certainly does. You must be Mr. Macheath. Please call me Teddy. ”

  He puts out his hand and I shake it. The door is only open wide enough for him to stand in, so I push past him and go inside. I’ve gone from annoyed to pissed that Traven sent me up here instead of going after King Cairo and I’m prepared to take it out on Teddy.

  He doesn’t say anything as I go in. Just stands by the door for a minute and then closes it, locking us in a big foyer as silent as a tomb and as clean as an operating room.

  “I was surprised to see you open your own door. Malibu people usually have out-of-work B-actors standing at attention all day hoping someone comes up the drive. ”

  “I’m sure some do but I don’t keep a staff. It’s just me up here, so door opening is a skill I’ve had to master all on my own. ”

  The foyer is dark but there are dim lights on in the other rooms. I’m going to need night-vision goggles if I want to see anything interesting without starting a bonfire. What I can see in the dimness is an unlit chandelier over an oval space. A sweeping staircase to the second floor. A slice of a dining room and living room off to my left. Tables around the edges of the foyer are dotted with sculptures made from bones. Birds. Dogs. Flowers. Teddy is sort of an abattoir Tick Tock Man. It’s good to see he has something to while away the long days and nights all by his lonesome.

  Teddy says, “I don’t usually have guests in the house. ”

  “So I hear. ”

  “What I mean is, it’s a bit rude of you to barge in, even if you are one of Amanda’s friends. ”

  “I’m not Amanda’s friend. She’s way too low on the totem pole for that. This isn’t where I want to be today, so I really don’t care if you’re put out. I also don’t see any tributes or signs that you’re part of Amanda’s world. Where are the sacrificial virgins and inverted pentagrams?”

  I caught Teddy o
ff guard. He laughs nervously and keeps his hand on the doorknob.

  “You won’t find any virgins around here, and as for tribute to Lord Lucifer, I keep those in my private rooms. They sometimes upset the few guests I have over. ”

  “Any I can see?”

  “Nary a one. ”

  “Nary? And you called me rude. ”

  I walk around the room taking a closer look at the sculptures. They’re strange little things. Intricate and crude at the same time. I think some of the bones might be human.

  “Who maintains the grounds if you don’t have a staff?”

  “People come and go. I find if you keep any crew around too long, they get bored and the work gets sloppy. A steady flow of new faces coming through keeps everyone on their toes. ”

  That’s the first thing he’s said that sounds like the rich asshole I was expecting. He doesn’t like me inside his castle. It’s more than me being rude. His heartbeat is up and his pupils are constricting under the strain of maintaining his calm.

  He says, “The truth is, I value my privacy more than I value a pristine lawn. Now, how can I help you, Mr. Macheath? Amanda said you were visiting temples around California and had some questions about my collection. ”

  Good work, Amanda. Maybe I’ll keep your kid out of the fire after all.

  “I do. First off, what exactly is it?”

  “Ah, definitions. Always a good place to start. Most people who know about the estate say I—meaning the family—collect cemeteries. That is wrong. In fact, it’s backward. We collect ghosts. We’re a ghost sanctuary in much the same way that there are sanctuaries for wolves, tigers, and other endangered creatures. The cemeteries are the outward part of the work. Ghosts need someplace to live and most enjoy familiar places. ”

  “They don’t haunt the house?”

  “A few try. I have a service for that. A team of Guatemalan witches comes by once a month and touches up the spirit barriers. They’ve been dealing with Mayan ghosts for five hundred years, so I think they know what they’re doing. I love my ghosts, but like the family cats, they’re outside, not inside friends. ”

  “How many dead friends live here with you?”

  “I have no idea. Would you like a tour?”

  “Why not?”

  He looks relieved that he can finally get me back outside.

  We walk around the front of the house to where a pristine golf cart is parked in the shade. I slide in next to Teddy and we head out into the wilds of his estate. I’m wearing the same shirt I had on when Amanda was over. I hope it’s dark enough to keep light from glinting off the armor. I don’t want to have to explain it to Teddy. Though I shouldn’t have to explain anything to a guy who uses skeletons like model kits. It’s a funny hobby for someone who comes off so reverential when talking about the dead.

  “Amanda tells me you’re a high roller in the local temple. How’s that working out for you?”

  Teddy shakes his head.

  “Dear Amanda. She has all these fantasies about getting my little clan involved in the day-to-day drudgery of it all again. ”

  He turns to me quickly.

  “I hope I’m not being offensive, you being from a temple yourself. ”

  “No. God’s a drag. The Devil’s a bore. The only people worse are the ones who run the temples. They think everyone should be on their hands and knees scrubbing the floors right along with them. ”

  “Well put,” says Teddy.

  I wonder how Deumos is doing. Has anyone murdered her yet? I don’t know how long it will take Buer to design and build her temple but I bet it won’t be fast. Merihim and his crew will sabotage the project. Someone might blow the whole thing up the day it opens. That’s all Hell needs. Another martyr. I wonder if Deumos is counting on her fairy goddess godmother to protect her. That’s not a bet I’d take but then I’m surprised she and her church have lasted this long. Maybe they’ve got some angels on their side that don’t have horns and tails.

  There’s a crowded subdivision of stone minimansions up ahead. A metal gate out front just says PARISH. Which parish it is fell off a long time ago. It’s an old New Orleans cemetery with its aboveground tombs hauled all the way up this hill like Fitzcarraldo hauled his boat.

  “So you didn’t spend your summers at Satan sleepaway camp burning Bibles and pissing on crucifixes?”

  Now that we’re on his turf, Teddy seems more relaxed. He takes out a black Sobranie cigarette, puts it in his mouth, then takes it out again without lighting it.

  “I spent my summers here or with my father or grandfather scouting new haunted places in need of protecting. I’m polite to Amanda and her crowd but I haven’t been to one of their meetings in years. No one in the family has taken them all that seriously since Grandfather. ”

  Teddy gestures toward graveyards in the distance, using the cigarette like a pointer.

  “He collected our first cemeteries around the same time he struck it rich in silver mining. He believed these two events were inextricably linked, so he saw it as his duty to create a haven for ghosts. He joined Lucifer’s temple because the political connections made it easier for him to shave the taxes on the silver income and to bring in foreign graves. ”

  “A lot of ghosts seem to stay here. You don’t try to keep them earthbound?”

  Teddy shakes his head.

  “My charges stay or go as they please. Perhaps if God presented Himself more readily, they wouldn’t be so afraid of what awaited them when they finally crossed over. ”

  “I can’t argue with that. ”

  Teddy’s unlit cigarette is driving me crazy. I still don’t have any Maledictions.