by Lisa Swift
She smiled. ‘Well, perhaps, but I’m fond of you. Maybe we can share a sofa at the old folks’ home, eh? My chances of meeting Mr Right are looking pretty slim these days too.’
‘I think I gave up on the whole “ideal partner” thing before I hit puberty. Real life just isn’t that Disney.’ Theo fell silent. ‘I do feel like I’m getting a bit old for playing the field though. Casual dating isn’t nearly as much fun as it used to be.’
‘Is this Theo Blake I hear talking?’
‘I know. Never thought you’d see the day, right?’ he said, smiling. ‘Ignore me, I’ll be back to my old self soon enough. Just having a brief attack of existentialism; probably one of those twenty-four-hour bugs.’
Lexie took a long draught of her wine.
‘I’ve missed this,’ she said with a deep sigh. ‘Hanging out at the pub, setting the world to rights. Why ever did we stop doing regular pub nights? We’ve hardly been out for a drink the past two years.’
‘Daryl, I guess. When you guys started having problems, it all got a bit awkward. Then there was Connor to keep you busy, and the restaurant…’ Theo shrugged. ‘Suppose we just got out of the habit.’
‘Suppose so.’ She scowled. ‘Trust it to be Daryl’s fault.’
‘Oh, forget him. We’re here now.’
‘Tonya thinks I ought to be sick of you. She can’t understand why I don’t go hang out with my other friends when I see you all day at work.’
‘Well, do you want to? I promise I wouldn’t cry. Much.’
‘No.’ She glanced over his shoulder at the tables of people enjoying their Friday night drinks. ‘Funnily enough, not at all. All my old friends want to talk about now is kids where they’ve got them, or relationships where they haven’t. I feel a right bloody lemon, sitting there with nothing to contribute but tales of Connor’s teenage angst. It feels like you’re the only one of my mates who gets me these days.’
‘I suppose that’s a compliment,’ he said, smiling. ‘Let’s just have a nice night, shall we? It’s not often you’re freed from parent duty to go out and enjoy yourself.’
‘God, yes.’ Her eyes sparkled. ‘Hey, we could go clubbing.’
‘Oh please, no. I’m far too old for clubbing. I’d probably do my hip in trying to show the kids how to moonwalk.’
‘Ah, I bet we could teach them a thing or two.’
‘I’ve met my quota for embarrassing interactions with young people today, thank you. No clubbing.’ He sipped his beer. ‘So how about you, then? Any hot dates lined up? Sounds like you’re stuck in a bit of a dry patch yourself.’
She shrugged. ‘I’m a married woman, aren’t I?’
‘Only on paper. I don’t see why you shouldn’t get yourself out there. You can bet your arse Daryl has been.’
It was testament to the complete obliteration of the feelings Lexie had once had for her husband that the idea of him with someone else didn’t produce even a flicker of jealousy.
‘I know,’ she said. ‘I wish we didn’t have to wait so long to file for divorce. It seems daft to have to wait two years when you know it’s definitely over.’
‘So why don’t you start dating again? Just because you still have to be married to Daryl for another year doesn’t mean you need to live in celibate misery the whole time.’
‘Because of Connor, I suppose. After all the upheaval he’s had in his life so far – his mum dying, then me moving in, the new house, his dad leaving – he needs a bit of stability. There’ll be plenty of time for me to think about meeting someone when he’s gone to uni.’
‘It’s four years till he’ll be off to uni. That’s a long time to go without sex.’
‘For you, maybe,’ she said, smiling. ‘I can sort myself out, don’t worry. Dating’s one more hassle I don’t need with everything else I’ve got on my plate.’
‘Don’t you miss being with someone? It’s not all about the sex.’
‘Says the man who’s shagged his way round most of the county.’
‘That wasn’t all about the sex either. You still have to have that connection, even if it’s only a one-night thing. Otherwise we’d all just be sorting ourselves out.’ He glanced up. ‘You don’t fancy elaborating on that? Because I could stand to hear a few more details.’
‘No.’
He smiled. ‘Still, you know what I mean. Sex might not always be an act of love, but it always has to be an act of trust. There is a bonding process involved, even with casual hook-ups. You’re letting someone have intimate access to your body: that’s never a minor thing.’
‘Blokeish privilege, that sort of talk,’ she told him. ‘It’s always been easier for you lot to have casual sex. I don’t just mean because there’s never been the same stigma, or because you haven’t got the baby-carrying bits. You don’t have to make yourselves vulnerable the same way we do.’
‘Well, maybe you’re right.’
Lexie picked up a beer mat and thoughtfully peeled off a few strips. ‘It’s a nice idea in principle. I did have the odd one-night stand before I met Daryl. Still, I don’t think I could do what you do.’
‘I can’t help feeling we overcomplicate sex in this country,’ Theo said. ‘I mean, boil it right down and it’s just another hobby, isn’t it? As long as you take the necessary precautions and you’ve both got the same agenda. I might have casual sex, but only with women who are looking for casual sex. Honesty’s the key. That way no one gets hurt.’
She snorted. ‘Right. And did you discuss all these deep ethical convictions with that poor cow who had your name tattooed onto her right bumcheek? She seemed to think you were in it for the long haul.’
‘Hey, that wasn’t my fault. It was her who neglected to mention that she was insane.’
‘Yeah, and what about Regina?’
‘Which one was she?’
‘The one who tried to convince you to go and meet her parents. In Papua New Guinea.’
‘That wasn’t my fault either.’
Lexie smiled. ‘Course not.’
‘I’m right though, aren’t I?’
‘About what?’
‘Sex. We’re talking healthy exercise, stress-relieving endorphins, and it’s better for our livers and waistlines than the other great British pastime.’ Theo toasted her with his pint before taking a sip. ‘If we could just get over our hang-ups, we could all be having a lot more of it. Maybe even make it our official national sport. Like cricket, except you’re less dependent on the weather and in this game everyone’s a winner.’
‘I hope this isn’t the same talk you gave Connor, Theo.’
‘No, don’t worry. He got the kid-friendly version, which is “don’t do it, and if you absolutely have to do it, make sure you do it safely”.’ Theo swallowed the last of his beer. ‘I’ll tell you what’s really depressing. That boy’s got a better love life than either of us these days.’
‘Oh God, don’t. I’d just about managed to stop worrying.’ She stood up. ‘I’ll get another round in.’
Chapter Seven
The next morning, Lexie realised why her party-going days were long since over. If even one drink in the pub – well, all right, two large wines, plus the one she’d had with her spaghetti bolognese beforehand – was enough to make her feel there were herds of bison galloping over her optic nerves, then how had she thought she could manage a night at a club? She was glad Theo had talked her out of it.
As it was, she felt just human enough to roll out of bed and make herself semi-presentable before Connor was likely to want picking up from Sophie’s.
‘Morning,’ she said, as brightly as she could manage, when he wandered into the kitchen at around ten. ‘I was just about to call and see if you wanted a lift.’
Connor looked at her through narrowed eyes. ‘You went out last night, didn’t you? Your eyes are all red.’
She grimaced. ‘All right, maybe. Just to the pub with Theo. Did Sophie’s dad drive you home or did you get the bus?’
‘Nei
ther, I walked.’
‘Walked?’ she said, frowning. ‘From Morton?’
‘Yeah. It’s not that far, is it? I’m not a little kid, I can walk if I want.’
‘But you never walk anywhere. You’re lazy as sin, Con.’
‘Well, this morning I felt like going for a walk.’
He was avoiding meeting her eyes, staring down at the floor tiles. Lexie’s brow furrowed.
‘You’re OK, aren’t you?’ she said. ‘Everything’s all right?’
‘Yeah, fine,’ he muttered.
But Lexie had been playing mum to Connor for too long now not to know when something was bothering him. This wasn’t just general teen sullenness; he was upset about something.
She went to put an arm around his shoulders. Or at least, as close as she could get to his shoulders since his last growth spurt, which was around the middle of his back.
‘What’s up, my love?’ she said, giving him a squeeze. ‘You didn’t fall out with Sophie, did you?’
‘No.’
‘Then what’s wrong? Didn’t you have a nice time at the sleepover?’
He shrugged. ‘’S’all right.’
‘Did you play your game?’
‘Yeah.’
‘And was it as good as you hoped?’
He shrugged again, grunting something inaudible in reply.
‘So… there’s nothing you want to talk to me about?’ Lexie tried. ‘Nothing that might’ve happened with Sophie or… or anything?’
He turned his flushed cheeks away, shaking his head so that his long curls bounced.
Lexie studied him for a moment.
‘Well, OK. You know where I am if you change your mind,’ she said at last, realising it was useless to press him if he didn’t want to open up about whatever was bothering him. ‘You want breakfast?’
‘No thanks. Not hungry.’
‘Oh, guess what? Dad transferred us some money, it showed up in my account this morning. I can get you a new school blazer now.’
‘Right.’
She squinted at him. ‘You wouldn’t happen to know why we’re suddenly richer, would you? Your father didn’t sound too keen on parting with any cash when I spoke to him yesterday.’
Connor shook his head again, still avoiding eye contact. ‘I’m going up to my room.’
‘All right. If you’re hungry later, there’s a fresh loaf in the bread bin and peanut butter in the cupboard. Make sure you have some fruit with it, won’t you?’
‘Yeah, fine.’
He slouched off to his bedroom looking thoroughly miserable, even by teenager standards. Lexie sighed as she watched him go, feeling once again that the boy she’d come to love as a son was getting further and further from her reach.
* * *
It was a Wednesday morning two weeks later when Connor went down to the kitchen to grab a cereal bar he could eat on his way to school.
He’d got into the habit of coming down later now, instead of sitting with Lexie for breakfast. She’d finally stopped asking what was wrong every five minutes, but she was still watching him closely. He couldn’t stand that: the concern in her eyes every time he caught her looking at him. It made him feel like total crap when she worried about him.
He was hoping she’d have gone back upstairs to get ready for work, but she was still in the kitchen, drinking her morning coffee while she gazed with unseeing eyes at the paper. She looked up when he came in – the worried look again – and he felt his stomach clench with guilt.
‘Morning,’ she said.
He grunted.
‘Have you got time for some toast before you run away? I can put some in for you.’
‘I need to go for the bus. I’ll take a Special K bar.’
‘All right, but take a banana as well.’ She stood up to fetch one for him.
‘Don’t bother,’ he said, striding to the fruit bowl. ‘I can get it.’
‘So… everything all right at school?’
He nodded, stuffing the banana and cereal bar into the pocket of his hoodie.
‘And Sophie’s OK? She hasn’t been round in a while.’
‘She’s fine.’
Lexie sighed. ‘Con, talk to me, please. I can’t live with someone who only speaks in monosyllables. What’s wrong?’
Connor scowled. ‘Nothing. I told you, nothing’s wrong. Just drop it, Lexie, OK?’
She sighed again. ‘All right. Well, don’t forget I’m on the teatime shift today so I won’t be in when you get home. There’s a beef stew in the slow cooker.’
‘Right. Bye then.’
‘Hang on.’ She opened one of the kitchen drawers and took out a gift-wrapped package. ‘I got you something.’
He stared at it. ‘What for? It’s not my birthday for ages.’
‘I know, but I can tell you’ve been having a difficult time lately, and… well, I thought you deserved a little present out of the extra your dad sent. There’s so rarely any spare cash for me to treat you with.’
Connor tore open the wrapping and blinked at the long-desired Star Wars: Squadrons game.
‘It is the one you wanted, isn’t it?’ Lexie said, smiling nervously. ‘The one all your friends have been talking about?’
‘Um, yeah. Thanks.’
‘Why don’t you ask Oliver and Sophie over this weekend and you can have a bit of a gaming party? I’ll get some snacks in.’
Connor scowled. ‘Why do you keep on about them all the time? I said I don’t want to see them, all right? God!’
Lexie’s face crumpled.
‘OK,’ she said quietly. ‘I just thought it would be nice for you.’
Connor looked at the game in his hand, then at Lexie, registering the hurt in her eyes.
‘Sorry,’ he said in a softer voice. ‘That was a douchey thing to say. Sorry, Lexie.’
‘Oh, well, never mind,’ she said, smiling a little sadly as she patted his elbow. ‘I know you’ve been having a rough time.’
‘It was nice of you to get the game for me.’ Connor hesitated, then bent down to peck her cheek. ‘Thanks.’
She smiled properly then, the warmth of it lighting up her face and crinkling the corners of her eyes, and for just a moment Connor felt happy at having made her happy. Then the gloom that had been a permanent fixture since the night of Sophie’s sleepover set in again.
‘I’ve got to go,’ he said.
‘Connor!’ Lexie called after him. ‘Remember that if you ever want to talk—’
‘Yeah, yeah, I know.’
He made his way through the sleepy village streets, fragrant with recent rainfall and spring blossom, taking the route to the bus stop that he knew was least likely to mean he’d end up bumping into Oli. However, when the bus stop came into view he saw that Sophie was there, looking around her anxiously.
Shit! What was she doing here? Her dad usually drove her to school, and anyway, she lived a couple of miles away in the next village. Was she there deliberately to catch him?
He was about to turn and head for a different stop when she called to him.
‘Connor!’
Connor tried to pretend he hadn’t heard and strode off in the opposite direction, but she was soon jogging up to his side.
‘Connor, wait, please!’ she panted.
He scowled at the ground. ‘Leave me alone.’
‘Not until you tell me what’s going on. You avoid me at school, you ignore my WhatsApps… why are you ghosting me, Con? Have you gone off me or what?’
His scowl relaxed slightly. ‘No.’
‘Then what is it? Didn’t you enjoy yourself that night? You told me you liked it.’
‘I… did.’ His scowl deepened again, and he turned his face away. ‘I can’t do this.’
‘Please, Con, talk to me. Tell me what I did wrong.’
‘I… I said I can’t do this, right? Just leave me the fuck alone, Sophie, can you? Please.’
He strode off. Sophie watched him go, her eyes filled with hurt, puzzl
ed tears.
* * *
Theo nudged Lexie, who was leaning against the Blue Parrot’s mahogany bar, staring vacantly at her reflection in the illuminated mirror that backed the spirit optics.
‘Are you going to take Nell and Xander’s order or what? They pointedly closed their menus five minutes ago.’
‘Hmm?’ She roused herself. ‘Oh, sorry. Yes.’
She wove through the little tables with their floral tablecloths and wine-bottle candlesticks to where the headteacher of Leyholme Primary School was sitting with his wife, who taught the Reception class.
‘Afternoon,’ she said, summoning a smile.
Nell and Xander were a pleasant couple of around her age who lived in that adorable farmhouse on top of the moors, Humblebee Farm. It had been little more than a wreck when Lexie had first moved to the village to be with Daryl, but Nell had worked hard to transform it into a cosy nest since she’d taken up residence. Lexie always envied her the place when she compared it to her own faceless detached on the much-maligned new-build estate that sat on the outskirts of the village.
Xander had been Connor’s Year Three teacher back when Lexie first started seeing Daryl. He and his new wife Nell – Stevie Madeleine’s eldest daughter – were regulars at the Parrot and Lexie had come to know them quite well.
‘Hi Lexie,’ Nell said. ‘Everything going OK with the festival plans? My mum’s volunteered us to help on the day, you’ll be pleased to know. We tried to object but she started jabbing her finger like Lord Kitchener and muttering ominously about how our village needed us.’
‘Stevie gets a bit into these things,’ Xander said, smiling. ‘Suddenly I had this vision of my guilt-stricken face while some future offspring asked me what Daddy did during the great Leyholme 1940s Festival.’
Lexie laughed. ‘Yeah, things’re going pretty well. The parish council approved our grant, so Janette’s started booking in the entertainment. We might even manage to arrange a flypast.’
‘The kids’ll love that.’
‘Well, what can I get you both?’ Lexie asked, taking out her notepad.
‘Is it weird that I’m fancying the pease pudding with saveloys?’ Nell said. ‘It’s not like me to go for the stomach-lining stuff. I think this might be my first official pregnancy craving.’