by Lisa Swift
‘Unless they can break their programming. Then they’d be able to exercise free will.’
‘Yeah, but even then though, if they have their memory wiped they can be reset and—’ Connor shook his head. ‘Anyway, never mind that now. That’s when, um… when it happened again.’
‘That does sound like a pretty sexy conversation,’ Theo said, nodding. ‘So you kissed? Nothing else?’
‘No, just a kiss. Only I kissed him, and Oli didn’t laugh this time. He… he did it back.’ Connor hid his face in his hands and let out a sob. ‘And now I don’t know what to do.’
‘You didn’t know he might like you like that?’
Connor shook his head. ‘I didn’t know he liked boys.’
‘And you didn’t know you did either,’ Theo said gently.
‘No. I mean, maybe I don’t. Or maybe I do. I don’t know. I’m still trying to get my head round it.’
‘But if you do, you know that’s OK, right? And if you don’t, well, that’s OK too.’
‘Yeah, I guess. It’s just I really like Soph and… shit, I don’t know what to tell her. She’ll hate me for cheating, and now I don’t know which one of them I like like or if Oli’ll still want to be friends if I pick Soph over him or… what should I do, Uncle Theo?’
‘Have you spoken to either of them about it?’
‘No. I’ve been avoiding them.’
‘Well, it sounds to me like you and your friend Oli need to have a talk.’
‘God, no! What if he tells the others what happened? Crucial and JJ would slaughter us.’
Theo stood up to rest a hand on his godson’s shoulder.
‘I’m sure he wouldn’t do that,’ he said gently. ‘He’s always been a good, supportive friend, hasn’t he? Besides, he’d have just as much to lose as you.’
‘Yeah, but… what if he wants me to break up with Soph?’
‘Well, you won’t know that until you discuss it with him.’
‘No. I can’t. I’d be too embarrassed.’
‘So what’s your plan then? Avoid the pair of them until you leave school?’
‘It’s just hard to know what to say,’ Connor muttered.
‘I know it is.’ Theo gave Connor’s shoulder a squeeze. ‘But it’s something I think you have to do.’
‘Maybe.’ Connor looked up to smile weakly at him. ‘You’re so much better than Dad would’ve been if I’d tried to talk to him about this. He’d never get past me liking a boy like that.’
‘Well, luckily for both of us I’m not your dad. You feel better for talking about it?’
‘A bit.’
‘I’m glad.’ He sighed. ‘To be honest, Con, I know it sounds mean when you’ve been upset but I’m kind of relieved.’
Connor blinked. ‘Are you?’
‘Yeah. Lexie was worried sick you’d got Sophie pregnant or were hooked on smack or something. I know it’s a tough situation for you to deal with but I’m glad you’re safe.’ He patted the lad’s shoulder. ‘You really ought to tell your stepmum what’s been bothering you. She’ll understand.’
‘But she’ll be mad if she knows me and Soph have been doing stuff, won’t she? She always seems dead worried about that.’
‘I don’t think she’ll be mad at all. It sounds to me like the two of you have been very mature and sensible. I think she’ll be proud of you for handling it so well.’
‘Really?’
‘Sure thing. I’m certainly proud of you. You’re nowhere near as much of an arse as I was at your age.’
‘Thanks, Theo,’ Connor said, smiling. He looked up. ‘I was really horrible to Lexie yesterday. It’s just been making me so mad, not knowing what to do. I’ve been a total douche to everyone.’
‘Then perhaps you ought to say sorry to her. You know, she loves you a lot. That’s the reason she worries about you.’
‘Yeah. I know,’ he mumbled.
‘Well, I’ll leave you to think things over. You really ought to consider talking to your friend. I don’t think you’ll be able to move on until the pair of you have discussed what happened between you.’
‘OK. I’ll think about it.’
‘You can call me any time, remember. I’ll always be ready to listen.’
‘Theo?’ Connor said as he turned to go.
‘Hmm?’
‘Did you really come over this morning? I never heard you come in.’
‘No, well, I was very quiet. I didn’t want to wake you up.’
‘You know, my dad’s got a Nirvana T-shirt like that.’
‘Has he?’ Theo ran a finger under the too-tight T-shirt collar. ‘He always did have good taste in music.’
‘With the same smudge on the sleeve and everything.’
‘Is that right? What a weird coincidence.’
Connor smiled. ‘It is a bit, isn’t it? Bye then.’
* * *
‘Guess who got breakfast in bed this morning?’ Lexie asked Theo in the restaurant later.
‘Can I have a multiple choice?’
‘Nope. It was me. Connor brought it up to me about half an hour after you left.’
‘Why did he bring you breakfast in bed?’
‘Well, I’m making it a bit grand by calling it breakfast in bed really. It was only a cereal bar and a cup of coffee.’ She smiled. ‘Still, the thought was there. He apologised for being such a brat yesterday, gave me a hug and now we’re the best of friends again.’
‘Did he tell you what’s been bothering him?’
‘No, but he looked more like his old self than since before that accursed sleepover. I don’t feel nearly so worried about him today.’
Theo felt an unfamiliar, warm sensation creep into his chest. So his talk with Connor had made a difference. He hadn’t really known how best to counsel the boy during their heart-to-heart earlier so he’d just groped his way along as best he could. It was a proud, satisfied feeling that engulfed him, knowing he’d helped the kid navigate the choppy waters of adolescence a little better.
‘Did he tell you we bumped into each other this morning?’ he asked Lexie.
She grimaced. ‘Shit, really? No, he didn’t. Does he know then?’
‘I tried to cover for us but I don’t think I got away with it, unfortunately. Anyway, he didn’t seem too horrified. He’s really a great kid.’
She looked at him, one eye narrowed. ‘He talked to you, didn’t he? About what was wrong? That’s why he was in a better mood this morning.’
Theo nodded. ‘I wasn’t sure I’d been much use, but it sounds as though he found it cathartic. I’m glad.’
‘Well thank God he talked to someone. So what is wrong then?’
‘Well… I’d better not go into the details. I promised him I wouldn’t unless I thought he was in danger, which he isn’t, and I don’t want to betray his trust when he opened up to me. Let’s just say it’s nothing for you to worry too much about. I mean, he is going through some stuff, but it’s not dangerous.’
‘So he and Sophie haven’t…’
‘No. Still at nice, safe second base, at Connor’s request. After what he told me today, I think you’ve got every reason to be proud of him.’
She exhaled through her teeth. ‘Jesus, that’s such a relief. I won’t push, as long as he’s safe. Keep an eye on him for me though, eh? He seems to like confiding in you.’
‘You know I will.’
She glanced at the kitchen hatch, where Tamara, the cook, had just brought out a plate of corned beef hash. ‘That’s for Table Eight. I’ll take it.’
Theo looked over at the woman sitting at Table Eight, rather ruining the wartime vibe by tapping at a laptop while she waited for her lunch. She was probably in her mid-thirties, curvy and very pretty, with long, braided black hair. Every now and then, she cast a sideways glance in his direction and smiled slightly.
‘That’s all right,’ he said. ‘I’ll take it to her.’
Lexie shook her head, smiling. ‘Come on, Teddy, chatting up the
customers again? I sometimes think you only went into the restaurant business because it was a good way to meet women.’
‘No. There was the free food as well.’ He patted her arm. ‘I’m glad you feel better, Lex. Now stop worrying, eh? Everything’s going to be all right, I promise.’
Chapter Eleven
Connor was sitting with Crucial at the back of their English class when the dinner bell went, a week after he’d gone back to school. The fight between them had been all but forgotten now, despite the legacy of some yellowish bruising around Crucial’s left eye. However, Connor still hadn’t summoned the courage to talk to Oli.
‘Coming to the canteen, Loser?’ Crucial asked.
Connor shook his head. ‘I’ve got sandwiches. I’m going to find somewhere quiet to eat so I can finish off the maths homework.’
‘What’s with you lately?’ Crucial demanded. ‘Why’re you always disappearing off on your own, are you a closet wanking addict or something? You’ve gone dead weird, everyone’s been talking about it.’
‘I’m all right.’ Connor slung his rucksack over one shoulder. ‘See you in French.’
His favourite spot for avoiding his friends during break times was a wall round the back of the library, technically out of bounds to pupils, that separated the school grounds from a neighbouring churchyard. Overgrown and neglected, it was the perfect place for hiding out.
God, he was sick to death of being on his own though. Theo was right, he really ought to try to fix things with his best mate and his girlfriend – if she was his girlfriend still. The consequence of trying to avoid Oli and Sophie was that he was now seeing more of his other two friends, who, let’s face it, were a huge pain in the arse. He missed painting Warhammer figures with Oli, and writing fanfic with Soph. He missed the closeness he and Sophie had started to build, and her arms around him when they kissed. He missed having people to talk to who did more than just tell sex jokes, hit each other and take the piss.
‘Um, hi.’
Connor looked up from his sandwich. Oli was standing in front of him, scuffing at the ground.
‘Hi Ol.’
‘Can I sit with you?’
‘If you want.’
Oli sat down beside him on the wall.
‘JJ said he thought this was where you’d been hiding at break times,’ he said. ‘What for, Con?’
Connor shrugged. ‘Wanted to be on my own.’
‘So… are me and you not mates any more then?’
‘Course we are.’
‘Only, you never get the bus with me now, and you never message me back or sit with me in class,’ he said, fiddling awkwardly with the strap of his rucksack. ‘So I thought maybe we weren’t. Because… because of what happened that night.’
Connor flushed, kicking his heels back against the wall.
‘Freaked you out, didn’t I?’ Oli muttered.
‘No. Well, maybe.’
‘You didn’t like it?’
‘No, I… I sort of did. It was just… surprising.’ Connor swallowed down the last of his sandwich. ‘So you like boys then?’
‘Um, yeah. Do you?’
‘Not sure yet. I definitely like girls. I think maybe I like boys too. I’m still working it out. So, like, you always knew?’
‘Since I knew I liked anyone. I never did like girls, I just pretended.’
‘Why didn’t you say anything?’
‘JJ and Crucial,’ he said gloomily. ‘You know what they’re like.’
Connor nodded. ‘Why did we make friends with them again?’
‘JJ had Halo.’
‘Oh yeah, right.’ Connor glanced at him and shuffled a bit closer. ‘So do you, um… do you like me then? I mean, not just mates sort of like?’
‘Dunno,’ Oli muttered. ‘Think so. How about you?’
Connor shrugged. ‘I kind of miss having you around.’
‘Right.’ Oli stared at his toes. ‘That’s all?’
‘No. I liked it when we kissed too.’
Oli brightened. ‘Did you?’
‘Yeah, it was nice. Different than with Soph. Not better or worse, but just sort of nice differently.’ He gave his friend’s shoulder an awkward pat. ‘Sorry I went weird on you, Ol. It was… new, and I didn’t know what I felt about it.’
‘That’s OK. So, um, you want to do it again?’ Oli asked hopefully.
‘Thing is though, I really like Soph too. I mean, she’s really cool, you know? It’s not fair to cheat on her, and I don’t want to break up, I don’t think.’
‘Oh.’ Oli went back to staring at his feet.
‘But you’re cool as well,’ Connor added quickly. ‘Look, can we just go back to being mates for a bit? I feel like I need time to get my head around everything, but I don’t want to not be mates any more. It’s been the worst, not having you to hang with.’
‘I know, it’s been crap.’ Oli smiled. ‘You’re such a dickhead, Con.’
‘Yeah, I know I am. Sorry.’
‘So shall we shake hands and make up?’
‘I think we should probably hug,’ Connor said. ‘Friend hug though.’
‘All right. Then maybe you can come round and play Squadrons this weekend?’
‘Yeah, cool, I will.’
Connor put his arms around his best friend for a slightly awkward embrace. They didn’t hug as a rule, but this felt like a special circumstance. Besides, they’d already kissed so it seemed a bit daft to go back to the formality of shaking hands.
‘Oh my God, I knew it!’ a girl’s voice whispered.
Connor let Oliver go and looked around. Sophie had appeared round the side of the library and was staring at them, her face white.
‘Soph, just, hold on a sec—’
‘I knew there had to be something going on between you two! You looked like you enjoyed that kiss a whole lot more than you said you did when we played Spin the Bottle.’
‘No, it isn’t like that this time! Soph—’
‘So this is why you’ve been ghosting me, is it, Con?’ she said in a choked voice. ‘So you could sneak up here for a grope with your secret boyfriend every break?’
‘What? No! That doesn’t make any sense.’
‘He honestly hasn’t,’ Oli said, glancing helplessly at Connor. ‘We just kissed a couple of times. Please don’t tell Crucial and JJ on us.’
‘Oh my God! A couple of times?’ Sophie stared at Connor. ‘So this whole thing, me and you… you needed a fake girlfriend to stop those other two twats taking the piss, right? I should’ve known you weren’t really into me when you said you wanted to take things slow. Boys never want that. God, and I was actually stupid enough to believe you were just sweet and shy!’
‘That’s not it at all. Please just let me tell you.’ Connor stood up to approach her, but she recoiled.
‘Stay the fuck away from me, Connor Carson,’ she whispered. ‘You know you were the first boy I ever let… let touch me? The first boy I really believed I might be in love with?’
He blinked. ‘What?’
‘I can’t believe you’d use me like that. I thought… I thought you cared about me.’ She choked on a sob. ‘This is over, Connor. You hear me? You’re a total, total dickwad and I never want to see you again as long as I live.’
* * *
‘…so anyway, when my divorce came through I decided it was time to start living life for me, you know?’ Francesca paused to take a sip of her wine, holding eye contact while she drank. ‘Time to have all the fun I never got to have when I was with Jesse.’
‘Sounds like you know what you want out of life.’ Theo held up his hand to the waiter and nodded to the wine to indicate they’d like another bottle brought over. ‘I really admire that, Francesca.’
She smiled. ‘Well, thank you, Theo. So, what’s your story?’
Theo shrugged. ‘I’m not sure I’ve got one. I run a 1940s restaurant out in Leyholme, as you know. My romantic history’s quite spectacularly uneventful in any department apart
from the bedroom. I’m into kickboxing but I’m not very good at it, my favourite band’s Queen but I tell people it’s Pink Floyd because it sounds cooler, I enjoy the films of Buster Keaton, and generally I just like to have a laugh and not take life too seriously.’
‘It certainly sounds like we’re on the same page there.’ Francesca topped up his wine for him. ‘Here’s to having a laugh, eh?’
She lifted her drink and Theo clinked his glass against hers.
‘To having a laugh,’ he said.
This was his first date in ages: the one he’d hoped might mean an end to the recent woman drought in his life – well, aside from that night he’d spent with Lexie, but he wasn’t sure he ought to count that. Except the fact was, while Theo was doing his best to respond in kind to the tactful yet obvious body language that told him Francesca was definitely interested in taking this date back to his place, he was struggling to really get into it.
It was bloody annoying actually. Francesca was as close to perfect as you could get for him: sophisticated, attractive, good company – just the sort of girl he liked to go out with. Divorced too. Recent divorcees were Theo’s favourite sort of date because they tended to have the same outlook as he did when it came to dating and sex: a bit of fun, no commitment and definitely no strings attached, with no hard feelings when, after perhaps a month or six weeks, either he or the girl decided they wanted to call time on things and move on. If she didn’t end it at that stage, Theo always made sure that he did. Any longer than a couple of months and feelings were likely to start creeping in – on the woman’s side, obviously, never on his – which was when a bit of fun stopped being quite so fun and people were at risk of getting hurt.
The problem wasn’t Francesca. It was Lexie – or rather, the memory of Lexie, that night they’d spent together. Theo couldn’t deny it; it had been the best sexual experience he’d had in a long time. No, scratch that: the best sexual experience he’d had ever, and Theo had had a lot of sexual experiences with a lot of women who’d been a heady blend of beauty, charm and sex appeal. The way Lexie had trusted him so completely, held nothing back… sex with her had been a different experience from the type he’d previously enjoyed with virtual strangers.