Friends With Benefits

by Lisa Swift

  Chapter Twenty

  Connor was in the living room channel-hopping when Theo strolled in the following Friday. It had become a routine that he would come over on Fridays for tea and TV night. Connor didn’t remove his gaze from the TV, but he deigned to raise a hand to acknowledge his godfather’s presence.

  ‘All right, youngling?’ Theo chucked himself down next to the boy. ‘Where’s your mum? Your stepmum, I mean.’

  ‘In the bath. She says to tell you to help yourself to a beer. She got in some of that rancid stinky lager you like.’

  ‘It’s not rancid, it’s the drink of the gods,’ Theo said, leaning back against the cushions. ‘She’s really the best of women. What’re you watching then?’

  Connor shrugged, changing the channel again. ‘Nothing really. Just in discovery mode. I’ve watched everything on Netflix.’

  ‘Making good use of your summer holidays, eh?’

  Connor grunted.

  ‘Oh!’ Theo put a hand on his arm. ‘Stop there.’

  ‘Nah, that’s nothing good. It’s just the channel where they show all the old black-and-white films.’

  ‘I know, it’s The General. Classic silent-era comedy. It’s my favourite of all Buster Keaton’s.’

  Connor shook his head. ‘God, Theo. I knew you were old, but I never knew you were that old.’

  Theo laughed. ‘Well I didn’t actually catch it the first time round, hard as that might be to believe.’

  ‘Right. Because you were off fighting in the trenches or whatever.’

  ‘Cheeky young whippersnapper.’ He nodded to the TV. ‘Seriously, it’s funny. Watch this bit.’

  ‘How can it be funny? No one’s even talking. I bet it’s all slipping on banana skins and pianos dropping on people.’

  ‘No, that sort of slapstick isn’t Keaton’s bag. Actually, one of his most famous scenes involves something not falling on him. He basically invented deadpan. Look at his face, you’ll see what I mean.’

  They watched for a bit, and despite Connor obviously willing them not to, his lips soon started to twitch.

  ‘See?’ Theo said. ‘Keaton was ahead of his time. He did all his own stunts too, so as well as being a comic genius he was also a total badass.’

  ‘Yeah, all right, I can see why it’s funny. It’s not Red Dwarf funny though, is it?’

  ‘There’s always been more than one kind of funny, my young Padawan. Everything has its place in the great pantheon of comedy. Well, except possibly Mrs Brown’s Boys.’ Theo shuffled round to look at him. ‘You really ought to diversify your interests, Con. There’s more to life than space and dragons.’

  ‘Why should I? I like space and dragons.’

  ‘It gives you something to talk about on dates, for one thing. And because you’re missing out. There’s all sorts of awesome stuff in the world that belongs to neither the sci-fi nor fantasy genres, believe me.’

  ‘I like other stuff as well.’

  ‘Such as what?’

  Connor shrugged. ‘I like musicals.’

  Theo raised his eyebrows. ‘Do you?’

  ‘Yeah. Lexie’s always been dead into them. I thought they were cheesy as fu— as anything when I was a kid, but after a while I got sort of hooked. Me and her are going to see Hamilton when we can get tickets. I mean, don’t tell my mates, obviously.’

  ‘I did not know that about you.’ He clapped the lad on the shoulder. ‘You’re full of surprises, young Connor.’

  Connor looked at him. ‘You could come as well if you want.’

  Theo smiled. ‘I think CalderCon is probably more my scene. No, it’s sweet that you and Lex have got your own special thing. Go have a nice family day out.’

  ‘You’re family too though, aren’t you?’

  He hesitated. ‘Yes, I suppose I am. Sort of.’

  Connor flicked off the TV. ‘Lexie says I’ve got to be nice to you because your dad just died.’

  Theo closed his eyes for a moment. ‘She told you that, did she? Yeah, he did.’

  ‘I thought you didn’t have a dad.’

  ‘Not one I knew, no, but biologically speaking I obviously did. I knew he was getting old and I could expect to get the news sometime. I hadn’t thought I’d feel anything, but… actually it hit me a lot harder than I expected.’

  ‘Did you wish you’d known him then?’

  ‘I wished… he’d been better,’ Theo said quietly. ‘I guess I wished… not that I knew him, but that he’d want to know me. Then suddenly he was dead, and the last thin sliver of hope that I didn’t even know I was still clinging to was snatched away.’ He glanced at Connor’s curious, half-puzzled expression and summoned a smile. ‘I suppose what I mean is, it made me sad for the way I wish things could have been between us. If he’d been the dad he should’ve been.’

  ‘Yeah, I get that,’ Connor said, nodding slowly. ‘It makes me sad too sometimes, thinking Dad doesn’t give a shit about me.’

  ‘That’s not true, Con,’ Theo said gently. ‘I know it might not seem like it, but your dad isn’t like mine. He does care about you in his own way.’

  ‘If his own way is not giving a shit,’ Connor muttered. ‘He hardly ever calls me, and when he does it’s just for a lecture about working hard at school or whatever, never how I feel about things. He doesn’t know anything about me; what I like or who my mates are, or that I’m bi – he can’t even remember what year I’m in at school. When he was here he never wanted me around. I bet he couldn’t wait to get out of the country and forget about me.’

  ‘Hang on a sec.’ Theo fished out his mobile. He scrolled through until he found an old photo and showed it to Connor. ‘Look. There’s your mum and dad, see, with your Grandma and Grandad Carson over from Spain, and your nana and me. And do you recognise this ugly kid in the middle?’

  Connor smiled at the dark-haired baby wrapped in a white shawl, snuggling deep into its mother’s arms. ‘It’s me.’

  ‘That’s right. This is from your christening, when as your godfather I was officially entrusted with your spiritual and psychological wellbeing for evermore. Pretty heavy responsibility for a lad of twenty-one, but I’ve done my best to do right by you.’ He pointed to Daryl, standing at his young wife’s side with a look of love on his face as he gazed down at their child. ‘See your dad there? How proud he looks?’

  ‘I guess,’ Connor muttered.

  ‘He was so happy that day. Said it was the best day of his life.’

  ‘Then if he was so happy to have me, why did he never want me around?’

  ‘Well, only your dad can really answer that, and God knows he won’t want me speaking for him. All I can say is, he changed a lot after your mum was killed.’ Theo sighed. ‘This’ll be hard for you to hear, Con, but I think it caused him pain to see you after that. You look a lot like her, you know.’

  Connor frowned. ‘You think he pushed me away because I looked like Mum?’

  ‘That might have something to do with it. But like I said, that’s really a conversation you ought to have with your dad.’ He looked at the christening photo and smiled sadly. ‘It hardened him, losing Elise. She really was the love of your dad’s life, and he was never quite the same man afterwards. I lost my best friend the day he lost his wife, although I didn’t find it out until much later.’

  Connor stared thoughtfully at the photo.

  ‘Sorry, son, did I upset you?’ Theo said, resting a hand on his shoulder.

  ‘No.’ Connor managed a smile. ‘I’m glad you told me. I like it when people tell me things instead of treating me like some little kid who has to be protected from everything bad.’

  ‘Well, let’s talk about something happier, eh? Got your CalderCon costume ready? Only a few weeks until the big one-five.’

  ‘Yeah, armour’s all repainted. What about you?’

  ‘Er, yeah,’ Theo lied. ‘All ready to go.’

  ‘What are you going as?’

  ‘It, um… it’s a surprise. So, any progress with So
phie?’

  Connor shook his head morosely. ‘I tried everything to get her to talk to me before we broke up for the holidays, but she wouldn’t. I mean, I’m actually sort of relieved she’s not my girlfriend any more now I’ve had time to think about it, but it blows not having her as a mate.’

  ‘Why are you relieved?’

  ‘Ugh, it was just so much stress. Like, everything was moving too fast, you know? She was talking about being in love, and she always wanted to be taking things further with… with stuff, and I just wanted to enjoy doing normal kid things a bit longer. I wish she could be like Oli. He likes me too but he doesn’t mind just being mates until I’ve worked out what I’m feeling. Girls give me a headache.’

  Theo smiled. ‘Tell me about it.’

  Connor turned to him. ‘Theo, can I ask you something?’

  ‘If you want.’

  ‘Is Lexie your girlfriend or what? I mean, you’ve started going on dates and stuff now, and you took her to meet your mum, so I thought maybe she was.’

  Theo hesitated, wondering how to answer. He had a nagging feeling that his FWB arrangement with Lexie was setting the kid a bad example somehow, although he wasn’t quite sure why, since it felt perfectly healthy – certainly a lot more than his sex life before, and Con had been well aware of his record as a serial dater. Still, he had a vague idea it was his godfatherly duty to encourage the boy to wait until he was in a loving, monogamous relationship to have sex. On the other hand, he could sense Connor was willing his stepmum and his godfather to couple up and he didn’t want to create any false hopes in that department either.

  ‘Er, not exactly,’ he said. ‘Those weren’t really couple dates, more… friend dates. We’re just mates, same as before.’

  ‘That’s what Lexie said, but I don’t get what the difference is between what you guys do and dating.’

  ‘There are lots of different kinds of relationships that exist between adults. You’ll learn that when you’re older,’ Theo said. ‘I told you, Con, we’re not going to get married or anything.’

  Connor shrugged and took out his phone, obviously suffering withdrawal symptoms at not having touched it for a good ten minutes. ‘Don’t care if you do or not. Lexie just really likes you, that’s all, and I don’t want her to get hurt. Have to look out for her, don’t I? I’m the man of the house.’

  ‘Well yeah, she likes me because we’re mates.’

  Connor shook his head pityingly. ‘You are such a dumbass,’ he muttered.

  ‘Er, excuse me, you cheeky little bugger?’

  He looked up from the phone. ‘I mean she likes you like a boyfriend, Theo. Do you seriously not know that?’

  Theo frowned. ‘She didn’t tell you that, did she?’

  ‘No, course she didn’t,’ Connor said, rolling his eyes. ‘She doesn’t need to. I told you before: I’m a kid, I’m not thick.’

  ‘Well thanks, Sigmund Freud Junior, for your helpful insight into my psyche. I’ll feel free to ignore it entirely.’

  Connor shrugged again. ‘Suit yourself. Just don’t hurt her, that’s all.’

  ‘I’m not going to hurt her.’

  ‘Yeah, well you better hadn’t.’

  The door opened and Lexie poked her head around it, her hair wrapped in a towel. She was smiling, but there was a drawn, pale look on her face, as if she’d missed out on some sleep.

  ‘Hiya Teddy,’ she said. ‘Can you come upstairs a sec? I need a word.’

  ‘Sure.’ He glanced at Connor. ‘I mean, if it’s OK with the self-proclaimed man of the house over here.’

  Connor gave a shrug of either consent or indifference, not looking up from his phone, and Theo followed Lexie up to her bedroom.

  ‘What’s up, Lex? You look worried.’

  She took a deep breath. ‘I’m not sure yet. Maybe nothing. Or maybe… maybe something.’

  He frowned. ‘Lexie, what is it?’

  ‘I’m late, Theo,’ she hissed. ‘Like, five days late.’

  He took a step back. ‘What?’ he whispered.

  ‘My boobs have been sore for ages now and I thought it was just PMT, but my period still hasn’t started. I should’ve got it on Monday or Tuesday. So now I’m worried the breast tenderness might be a symptom of… you know, the other thing it can be a symptom of. I didn’t say anything the first couple of days because it’s never exactly something you can set your watch by, but it’s been too long now for me to keep putting it out of my mind.’

  ‘But… how?’

  ‘What do you mean, how? You and your bloody swimmy little sperms, mate.’

  ‘Yeah, but we’ve always been careful, haven’t we?’

  She sat down on the bed and hid her face in her hands.

  ‘There was that one time,’ she murmured. ‘A few weeks ago, do you remember? The condom slipped off inside me when you were about to come.’

  ‘But I put another one on before I did. It couldn’t have been more than a few seconds we weren’t protected.’

  ‘I guess a few seconds can be long enough,’ she whispered. ‘I’d have been right in the middle of my cycle too, when it’s highest risk.’

  ‘Can you get a test?’

  ‘If it hasn’t started by Monday, I’ll pick one up from the chemist. They’re more accurate if you wait until you’re a week late.’ She removed her hands from her face and looked up at him. ‘What do we do if this is really happening, Theo? We can’t have a baby.’

  He stood for a moment, staring dazedly at his reflection in her full-length mirror. Then he sank down beside her and drew her into his arms.

  ‘That’s your call, not mine,’ he said, planting a kiss on her hair.

  ‘And what if I decided to keep it?’

  ‘Would you do that?’

  ‘I… don’t know. I honestly don’t know. It’s a big decision.’ She looked up at him. ‘What if I did though? I know this has always been your worst nightmare.’

  ‘It has, but… it’s your choice, Lexie. If you kept it then I’d do what I had to, for both of you. You wouldn’t be in this alone.’

  She flashed him a wobbly smile. ‘Thanks, Theo.’

  ‘Well, that’s what friends are for, eh?’

  Chapter Twenty-One

  ‘I’ll leave you to lock up, Charl,’ Theo said after the Parrot’s Sunday lunchers had disappeared. ‘Somewhere I need to be this afternoon.’

  ‘OK,’ Charlene said, loading a tray with dirty crockery. ‘Going anywhere nice?’

  ‘Not really. Funeral.’

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry. Someone you were close to?’

  ‘No. Not at all.’ He forced a smile. ‘Cheers, love. See you later.’

  He parked his car a little way from the churchyard, then wandered in and pretended to examine one of the gravestones. He could see the gaggle of mourners gathered around a gaping hole some distance away: a vicar, an older lady who he assumed must be his father’s widow, and a few others. That was all. He knew his dad had no children other than him. The smallness of the funeral made him feel a twinge of pity for the old man, which pissed him off. He’d come for closure, for himself, not for his father. He didn’t want to feel anything for that bastard.

  He wandered among the stones, pretending not to observe but watching as first the priest, then the widow, threw a handful of earth into the grave. A tear escaped, and he dashed it angrily away.

  No. He wasn’t here to mourn. He refused to. He was here to witness the end of something; that was all.

  So few people. No children except one pissed-off son, lurking nearby and refusing to grieve. An unremarkable end to a selfish life. Another tear burned Theo’s cheek, and he turned away while he got his emotions under control.

  Lexie was still waiting for her period. If the worst should happen – if he really was going to become a dad – Theo had sworn to himself he’d be a father his child could rely on. He’d always said that having a kid was the last thing he’d ever want, but if Fate decreed it was happening whether he liked it o
r not, he was resolved he wouldn’t be a dad like his own father had been. He’d be involved with that kid every step of the way. He wouldn’t let Lexie down either, now she really needed him.

  He turned back to the little scene at the grave, and felt a surge of resentment – and determination. No, he wouldn’t let any of them down. He’d be right there for that baby from the day it arrived on earth. He promised himself that.

  The group of mourners were headed in his direction now, on their way from the graveside. Theo had planned to disappear before the end of the service, but for some reason he stood firm as they passed.

  ‘I’m sorry for your loss, Mrs Chamberlain,’ he found himself saying to the woman.

  She looked surprised. ‘Oh. Well, thank you. Do I take it you knew my husband?’

  ‘A little. I was one of his ancient history students.’

  Ancient history, like his dad’s all too fleeting presence in his life. The irony of his father’s specialism had never struck Theo before.

  The woman, who he supposed was technically his stepmother, treated him to a warm smile. ‘Well, it was very good of you to come and pay your respects. You ought to have joined us.’

  ‘I didn’t like to intrude on the family.’

  ‘Nonsense,’ she said, resting a hand on his arm. ‘You’d have been perfectly welcome. Will you come along to the wake? We’re just going to have a little buffet and share a few memories of Jack.’

  Memories such as the brief period when Jack left her to shack up with the girl half her age who he’d impregnated? Possibly not. Theo wondered how you could manage to get a marriage back on track after something like that. Poor woman; she deserved better, no doubt. Her face was tear-stained with grief for her lost husband. She looked nice. Kind.

  ‘No, I… can’t stop,’ Theo said. ‘Do accept my condolences though.’

  ‘Thank you. I really appreciate that.’ She nodded to him before making her way to the funeral car.

  When the mourners had gone, Theo went to stand at the graveside for a minute before the undertaker’s men arrived to fill it in. He stared down into the abyss.