by R. J. Lewis
I come to a hard stop on the side of the road of who the fuck knows where. I pull my phone out of my pocket and call Ruth. It’s late, but I need her.
“Aidan,” she says. Her voice sounds tired and old. So old.
“Granny,” I breathe out.
She goes quiet. I don’t call her that. I never do. The only time I ever did was when I needed her. When I needed someone to talk me off the ledge.
“You’re alright,” she soothes. “My wonderful, smart, handsome boy.”
I drop my face to the steering wheel, choking back a flood of emotion.
“You’re not going back,” she consoles me. “You’ve done so well, my boy. Keep going.”
“I can’t…” I let out.
“You can. You will.”
“What if I go back?”
“You will never go back.”
I take deep breaths, listening to her. Her voice. Her words. She talks me off the ledge. She brings me back down to earth every time.
“My sweet boy,” she carries on. “I love you. We love you.”
She repeats this.
I love you, Aidan.
We love you.
My sweet, handsome boy.
Seventeen
Ivy
The next day, I show up to work tired, brain aching, eyes puffy from lack of sleep. Aidan and I didn’t leave on a bad note. Not at all. But I’m messed up about it.
I’m one minute and thirty-seven seconds late and I give Connie a hard look, daring her with my eyes to rip me to shreds about it. She doesn’t. Wise woman.
I dump my shit in the backroom and ignore everyone – they’re all watching me with weird smiles – as I make my way to my station, latte in hand. I have a client in ten minutes, and I need to get some caffeine in me before I start breathing out fire.
I come to a sudden stop, feet from the mirror and floating desk. Sitting pretty on top of the desk is my iPad I left in Aidan's car, and a vase of purple orchids. There’s a note resting against the vase. My heart beats hard as I take it and open it.
I like you, Ivy Montcalm. I like you a lot. I like you so much it burns like fire in my chest.
You gave me the best night I’ve had in years. You grace me with your company, and I feel undeserving of it. You called me strong last night, but that’s only because you don’t know how weak I am for you.
Do you want to know how much I think of you? The answer would scare you. Do you want to know how badly I wanted to kiss you? I spent the entire night beating myself up for pushing you away when all I wanted to do was bring you close to me. Did you feel how tight I held you? That was my need pouring out of me. The slightest graze of your skin against mine sends my pulse into overdrive. I yearn for those touches and it terrifies me, Ivy. It terrifies me, this unknown. Wade through it with me. I wasn’t talking in jest when I asked you to guide me. Guide me so that I won’t let you down. Guide me so that I may do this the right way.
Vibrant and alluring, these purple orchids remind me of you.
I hope they bring a little joy to your day.
-Sir (because there will come a day you call me that, I promise you)
I close the note and slide it in my pocket, smiling.
*
“I don’t know why you’re holding back,” Ana tells me over the phone. “It sounded like a hot ass night. You could have been making out in the rain under a tree, Ivy.”
I dry the last of the dishes, grinning. “I came so close.”
“You gotta really learn to live in the moment.”
“I did the right thing.”
“I disagree. You’re not bound to Derek and your mom isn't stalking you to know what you're up to."
"You never know."
"Haha," she sarcastically says. "I bet Derek's not even there, right?”
I glance around the empty apartment. “He’s out.”
“When was the last time you even saw him?”
I think on that. “Like…four days ago.”
“Has he even come home?”
“No. He’s gone AWOL.” Which is fine. It’s made being in the apartment bearable. I do wonder where he is, though.
“He’s probably banging some girl.”
I walk to the couch and collapse into it. “Probably.”
“Does that bother you?”
I mull that over. “No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I don’t know, Ana. I feel…strangely okay with everything.”
She lets out a relieved breath. “Good.” Then she adds, “So, in all seriousness, what are you waiting for?”
I don’t answer straight away. “I need Derek to look me in the eye and agree that we’re finished. Otherwise, this doesn’t feel right.”
“But him being gone for four days is sort of self-explanatory, don’t you think?”
“Yeah…” I run a hand over my face, feeling so confused.
"I just don't think Derek is the reason you're holding back. I think you're using him as one."
I sigh slowly. "I know. I'm not making sense."
She senses my conflict. “Look, you’ll know when you’re ready, right? Maybe that’s what it is. You’re just not ready.”
“He asked me if I thought I was creating obstacles for leaving Derek.”
“West said that?”
“Yeah, in the car, when I was on his lap.”
“So hot,” she groans. “And do you think you are?”
“I think…” I pause. “Despite what you and Aidan say, I think my obstacles are legit. I can’t just up and leave. I can’t…you know, I’ve got everything in my name here, too, and…it’s a one bedroom, how is he going to find a roommate who will want to crash in one room with him, right?”
She makes a sound like she doesn’t really agree with me, but she isn’t going to vocalize it. It’s all a mess, and I’m scarily noticing how unsound my reasoning is. I know I'm not confronting the real issues under the surface.
“I really like the note he left you,” Ana then says, changing the subject.
I relax. “Isn’t he amazing?”
“He is really into you, Ivy.”
I smile, tempted to read it out loud to her again. The note is in my pocket. I’ve been lightly running my fingers over it for the last three days now, taking it with me to work every day.
“We started off so intense,” I say without thinking. “He was the most devilish man. The words he’d say to me, Ana, he wouldn’t hold back, and yet now…”
“Now what?” she prods, holding her breath.
“Now he’s so…feeling.”
“You’re breaking down his layers.”
“Is that a good thing?”
“He’s sending you flowers and beautiful notes, what do you think?”
I laugh. “I think I like this side of Aidan very much.”
“Just think,” she says cheekily, “he’s opening his heart to you, and when the time is right, you’ve got the dirty man whispering all kinds of sordid things to you when things get hot and heavy.”
I smile dazedly. "I can' twait."
"I can't wait for you."
I get off the phone with Ana shortly after. Then I’m pacing the tiny apartment, cleaning up and trying so very hard not to message Aidan. I’ve messaged him a lot today, and he’s been sort of quiet. I don’t want to come on super strong. I lay out my blanket on the couch and set up my phone cord with the extension cord, so I don’t have to get up to check my messages. I lay under the covers and stare at the TV as it plays Friends on mute.
I can’t stop thinking about this man.
It’s driving me insane.
I think about his touch. The way he gripped my ass. How soft his lips were. How hard he got when he pressed me against the tree. He's big.
I want to touch myself all over again because I have so much new material to work with, but I know it will just end up feeling hollow. I want Aidan's touch. His fingers and his tongue and his dirty words in my ear.
I�
��m in a light doze when I hear my phone vibrate under my pillow. I pull it out, wincing because it’s dark in the apartment and the screen light is awful.
A.W.: You up?
I quickly message back.
Ivy: Now I am.
A.W.: Excellent.
Ivy: What are you up to?
A.W.: I’m out front.
Ivy: Out front where?
A.W.: Of your building.
Ivy: Really?
A.W.: Wanna go for a drive?
I sit up now, wide awake.
Ivy: Hell yeah.
A.W.: Alright, temptress. I’m waiting.
Ivy: Just need to change.
A.W.: Come down in your pjs. We won’t be long.
Oh, my God, he’s here. Why doesn’t this ever get old? I’m so fucking excited, my heart is in my throat.
I jump off the couch and slip into my warm slippers. I grab my jacket, not even bothering to wear it as I grab the apartment key and race out of there, locking up behind me.
I take the elevator down and then hurry to the entrance door. I already see his blue car parked out front, turned on. Aidan is standing out front in a light grey suit. He’s leaning back against the car, hands in his pockets. The second he sees me he stands up straight and removes his hands. Excitement zips through me, and I pretty much lunge into his arms, greeting him with a huge hug. He wraps his arms around me, holding me tight. My smile is so wide, my cheeks freaking hurt.
“Not fair,” I admonish him straight away, looking up at him. “You’re in a suit, Mr West!”
“You like me in a suit,” he replies, smiling softly down at me.
“I could have dressed more appropriately.”
“I love what you’re wearing. You’ve got, what is this bullshit, is that the cookie monster all over your pants?”
My cheeks are red. “It is.”
“Of all the Sesame Street characters, this fucker is exactly what I would have picked for you.”
“Who was your favorite?”
“I never watched Sesame Street, Ivy. I didn’t even have a fucking TV in my house.”
I pull a face. “That’s depressing.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop depressing me.”
He laughs and lets me go. He opens the passenger door for me. “Get in, temptress.”
“Such a gentleman, Mr West.”
“Only to you.”
I get in. I would do anything he tells me right now. He shuts the door and comes around to his side. There’s soft music already playing in the car. It’s Mirror by Serhat Durmus. Aidan West has good taste.
He slides in next to me. We peel out of there. His car’s engine roars as he takes off down the street. His warm hand is already around mine like it’s second nature – like he’s done it a million times before – and I sit there, dazed, happy, looking out into the night.
I don’t ask him where we’re going. He just drives. His music is dreamy and hypnotic. It makes for the perfect drive. He slows down outside the city, cruising along a picturesque route with fields and crowded autumn-colored trees. It looks spooky in the dark. He parks along the side of a completely empty road. There are no streetlights, no sign of life. When he turns off the engine, we’re submerged in darkness.
His voice is tender. “Close your eyes, Ivy.”
I look at him, curious. “What are we doing?”
He’s being a busy body, grabbing at a paper bag that has been sitting between us. He looks at me, smirking. “Close your eyes, my sweet little seductress.”
I close my eyes, sitting still as I hear him rummage around. “Can I at least peek?”
“You may absolutely not peek.”
“Okay. What are you doing then?”
“I am doing stuff and things.”
I let out a laugh. “Why so vague, Mr West?”
“I don’t know what it is when you say my name, Ivy, but it sends a pulse straight to my cock, and I’m trying not to go cross-eyed with wanting to fuck you, so be silent for a minute, temptress.”
I go completely silent, smiling weakly. When he talks like that – when I hear it – I forget to breathe. Aidan is the perfect blend of sweet and dirty.
I don’t know what he’s doing, but I’m almost scared to open my eyes because I just don’t know what to expect. This has come out of nowhere, and I’m anxious.
“Turn to me,” he orders softly.
I twist my body around, trying to face him. “Am I facing you?”
I feel his hand on my face. He tucks my hair behind my ear. Then he drags his finger down my nose and along my lips. It’s intimate, simple. He hovers along my bottom lip before dropping his hand.
“Okay, temptress,” he whispers. “Open your eyes.”
I open my eyes and go completely still. It takes a quick second to process.
Aidan’s sitting there, facing me, and he’s holding a cupcake with a single candle lit. I look at it for a second, emotion clogging my throat, before I look at him. I know what he’s doing. He’s trying to replicate my sixteenth birthday, when Ana showed up at my door with a cupcake lit for me.
“Happy Birthday,” he says, looking into my eyes with the softest expression. “Belated, sure, but I think you can forgive me for not knowing you on your birthday.”
I swallow, glancing briefly at the cupcake. It’s beautiful with rainbow frosting and a single white candle.
“Now you make a wish,” he adds soothingly. “Maybe we’ll get lucky and it’ll come true a second time.”
I’m feeling really emotional. This is very unexpected and sweet. I blink back tears and try to smile. It’s coming out funny, I know. I just…I’m not used to this sort of effort, or attention. Especially not from the guy who…who is becoming central in my little world.
I lean into the flame, and I look at him, all teary-eyed and awe-struck, and he looks at me with so much longing, it makes my heart go tight.
I wish…I wish for him to want me always. I wish for him to care for me like I care for him. I wish…I wish for something more between us. I wish for his love. There, I said it. I wish for Aidan West to love me with all his heart and soul and to want me forever. No matter what.
I blow the candle out, and it’s completely dark again. We’re looking at each other in the darkness. I can feel his eyes on me. I can see him breathing there, and it’s picked up. Like mine.
He finally breaks the silence. “I got you something.”
I don’t answer. I’m still trying to calm the hell down.
He turns on the interior light above our heads. I quickly look away, focusing on the cupcake because I’m not sure I want him to be reading me right now. I’m feeling vulnerable and weak. So, so weak.
He puts the cupcake down and digs into the bag. He pulls something out – a velvet black jewelry box. My pulse picks up as he hands it to me.
“Aidan,” I start, without opening it just yet. I already know this is going to be too much. I don’t deserve anything crazy. I don’t want him to think he even needs to get me something like that to impress me.
“Open it, beauty,” he tells me, looking really happy now.
My hands are shaking. There’s no room for amusement. For witty banter or cheeky smiles. All of this feels intense.
I slowly open the jewelry box, and then I just sit there for ages, processing. Aidan watches me closely, a proud smile on his face.
“Give me your hand,” he then orders. “The hand you want to wear it in.”
I weakly raise my right hand and he takes it. Then he carefully removes the solid gold bangle out of the jewelry box. I stare at it in shock, in absolute wonder. Aidan pulls up my sleeve and removes the crappy bangles I’ve been wearing for eons now. He chuckles softly, placing them down in the cupholder. “If you wore these any longer, I fear you would have gone missing with all the others. Somewhere out there the Bangle Watcher is keeping tabs on you. Well, no more, I say.”
I try to smile, but it’s not working. I just look a
t him as he slips the stunning bangle through my hand. “Perfect fit, sweet beauty of mine.”
My lips tremble. I’m having a hard time keeping it together.
He raises my hand to his mouth and places a kiss there, his brown eyes looking into mine. “Keep me close, Ivy, and every year I’ll add another bangle” – he kisses my hand again – “and then another.”
I stare at his mouth as he raises my hand one more time and places another soft kiss there. I feel that kiss all the way to my soul.
“Say something,” he quietly demands, trying to read me.
“Thank you,” I choke out. It’s all I can manage.
He seems to sense this and smiles warmly at me. “I wish for you to be spoiled in this life, Ivy. You deserve it. You’re so fucking sweet.”
I am not a crier, but my eyes are really shining right now. “Can you hold me?” I muster out, wanting his closeness. I need him pressed against me. I want this to feel real.
He pulls me to him. I settle into his lap and he holds me closely. I bury my face in his neck and inhale all of him. For a few moments, we take each other in. He runs his hands up and down my body, light intimate touches that make my heart flutter.
All too soon, I am very aware of the hardness I’m sitting on.
“Don’t mind my cock, Ivy,” he says, amused. “He’s got a mind of his own.”
I let out a laugh, and it lightens the mood. His chest vibrates with his own laughter. “I don’t mind your cock, Mr West.”
He groans. “This is fucking torture.”
I trail my lips along his neck, placing wet kisses there. I get to his ear and lightly bite at his earlobe. Aidan goes super still, holding his breath. I feel him harden more beneath me.
“Kiss me once,” I whisper. “Just this once. On my belated birthday.”
I pull away so he can look down at me. He stares into my eyes, his resolve fading as he takes me in. Then he drops his face to mine and brushes his lips against mine. I shut my eyes, heart pounding as he gently kisses me. I kiss him back slowly, parting my lips for him. His tongue strokes are reserved at first. He nips at my lips, slipping his tongue in for a quick taste. But the second my tongue meets his in a slow heated dance, tasting him, a harsh breath escapes his mouth. He settles his hand on the back of my head and kisses me deeper, tongue fully exploring mine. My hand wraps around his tie, and I pull him closer to me still, moaning into his mouth.