by R. J. Lewis
He pauses for a beat. “What?”
“Word from the grapevine is she did.”
“She was in my office. It wasn’t recent.”
“When?”
“The day you gave me a haircut.”
Jealousy roars through my body. “I thought you said she was out of your life.”
“She is. I kicked her out of my office.”
“Nothing happened?”
“Absolutely not.”
I run my finger along my lips, processing. “Are you really done with her, Aidan?” I ask.
“Ivy, I don’t even think about her. She’s nothing to me.”
I sigh, feeling silly. I can’t believe my lack of impulse control. I could have reasoned with myself that he wouldn’t have done anything with her.
What’s wrong with me?
“Are you having fun?” he then asks.
“I don’t know,” I answer. “We’re chilling with some dudes. They seem fine. They said you threw the most epic parties in here.”
He makes a grunting sound. “Who are these guys?”
“Just guys.”
He lets out a long breath. “You’re not dancing with any of them, are you?”
“Does it matter?”
“Yes, it fucking matters,” he snaps.
“Are you jealous, Mr West?”
“I am,” he admits blatantly.
“Ana invited you.”
“I know.”
“You could have been here, and now I’m here, without you, about to dance with some guys.”
“Ivy,” his voice comes out in warning.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t make me go over there.”
The thought of him being here excites me. “What would you do if you were over here, sir?”
“I’d ruin your time and make sure not a single dick was within arm’s reach of you.”
“That would ruin my time?”
“I feel like I’d be overbearing.”
“Is that why you really didn’t want to come?”
He takes a moment to respond. “It’s a lot of things. I don’t intend on ever getting sucked back into that lifestyle.”
“Surely one night out won’t deter your progress.”
“It’s too soon, and then with you in the mix, and this roaring jealousy that makes my heartbeat in my fucking ears…” his words trail off.
“So that’s a no, then. You won’t be paying me a visit.”
“Ivy –”
“I have to go back now, Aidan.”
“Ivy,” he repeats sternly.
“I’ll see you when I get home.”
I hang up, sighing deeply. I like that he still cares. I worried he might not have been bothered about me dancing with anyone, but I would have liked if he were here, proving that point. I can’t blame him for his reasons for staying away. He’s justified. I just wish I could stop feeling this needy. It must be the alcohol.
My phone vibrates.
A.W.: I don’t like being hung up on.
It vibrates again.
A.W.: I’m going a little crazy wondering what you’re doing, especially in that little fucking dress.
I respond back.
Ivy: You didn’t seem to notice my dress.
A.W.: Oh, I fucking noticed. It took everything in me not to drag you into my office and chain you to my desk. I’d have fucked you stupid, fed you every inch of my cock, made you scream for me to never stop. You would have been raw by now had you stayed.
A.W.: My resolve is weak when I’m around you.
A.W.: Don’t you know what you do to me? Why I have to protect myself?
A.W.: And that fucking dress would have been the end of me.
I’m truly speechless. We are past the point of witty banter and light teases. His words, even on my cracked screen, send pulses to my center.
I don’t respond to his messages because nothing I say would make him understand how much I would have loved to stay and be chained to his desk. But he stopped that advancement from happening. He told me to get off him and I’m still sore about it.
I put the phone back into the clutch and return to the dance floor.
Ana’s giving Brett a lot more attention now. She’s really enjoying herself, and I don’t blame her. The guy is exactly her type, and he seems really into her.
Dave, on the other hand, is getting drunker. I barely pay attention to him as he wraps his arms around me and moves with me. He says something in my ear. I think he calls me beautiful. He spins me around and takes my hands into each of his. He wraps them around his neck, and I shake my head and drop them. I’m really not in the mood to get close to a guy right now. It just feels wrong and gross.
“Come on,” he urges, smiling at me.
I try to smile back. “I’m not here for that, Dave.”
He comes closer to me. “I won’t touch you, then. How’s this?”
He moves forward pressed up against me, and I step back, bumping into others around me. “Really not here for that,” I repeat calmly.
He seems to understand and steps back. “How about this?”
I blink hard, a little annoyed, but he’s away from me now. I nod shortly and eventually move away from him completely, finding another spot. My head is starting to pound. I run a hand through my hair, gripping a chunk.
I’m aware Dave is back again, never straying far from me. I look around, searching for Ana but she’s not on the dance floor anymore, and I can’t see Brett either.
“Are you okay?” Dave asks me, coming close to me now. He runs a hand through my hair, and I move away. “Calm down,” he tells me, sounding frustrated.
“You keep getting close to me,” I snap, looking at him with narrowed eyes. “I don’t want you close to me, okay?”
He moves closer. “I’m just checking if you’re okay –”
“I’m fine.”
“Don’t be a bitch about it, alright?”
“I’m not trying to be a bitch about it! You just keep coming, and you’re doing it again!” He’s back in front of me, his hands at my hips. I push him back, and his face falls. Funny what happens when a person has a bit too much to drink. They change into a different person completely. I’ve seen this look in Derek’s eyes every time he’s guzzled too many beers. Brett stares at me in shock, like me pushing him away was the last thing he ever expected I would do. And then he’s stepping forward and pushing me. I fly back into a random person’s back.
I glare at him. “You’re an asshole!”
“And you’re a fucking tease,” he hollers, coming up to me again.
“Leave me the hell alone!” I go to walk away, ignoring the attention around me. People have stopped moving to stare. The guy’s literally not going away. I can feel him at my back. I spin around to deliver another scathing curse when I feel a hand wrap around my arm. I get tugged back suddenly.
“She said to leave her alone,” a voice cuts in.
I look up in surprise as Aidan steps in front of me, his huge back blocking Dave.
Dave sneers, staring back at him in surprise. “Don’t tell me these bitches have your gold card.”
“Back away,” Aidan warns. “You’re drunk.”
But Dave must not be moving away because Aidan steps forward and shoves him back so hard, Dave falls on his ass. Aidan’s hands are balled into fists as he stares over him. I don’t have to see his face to know he’s pissed.
“You’re lucky I haven’t beaten the fuck out of you,” he growls at him now, and I’ve never heard that scary tone from him before. “In another life, you’d have been ground meat, motherfucker.”
Before he gets up, Aidan turns to me and takes me by the hand.
“Let’s go, Ivy,” he says, sounding annoyed.
“Where are we going?” I ask, glancing back once to look at Dave. He’s still on the ground.
“Out of here before they start talking.”
“But Ana –”
“Gaston is taking he
r back to her home as we speak. She was hardly able to stand on her own two feet.”
Aidan’s moving really fast, and I’m struggling to catch up. He ducks his head down so people don’t look at his face. He really doesn’t want anyone to recognize him. We hurry down the stairs and to the doors. Aidan’s firm grip on me keeps me from tripping over my feet.
“Slow down, Aidan,” I tell him.
He only slows down when we’re out of there. It’s spitting outside, which makes it chilly as hell. He looks back at the club a couple times, his eyes dark. He’s so angry, I’m not used to it.
“What’s wrong?”
He doesn’t answer.
I grip his arm with my other hand and tug him to a stop half a block away.
“Stop,” I tell him in a calm voice. “Talk to me.”
He swings his dark eyes at me. “I’m angry, Ivy.”
“At what? At me?”
“I came this close to fucking hitting that guy!” he growls. “I haven’t hit someone in a very long time, Ivy –”
“You didn’t hit him, though. You pushed him away. Nothing happened.”
“You’re not understanding,” he says, angrily. “I came too close, Ivy. Too fucking close. You know, I sent you and your friend to that club because I thought it would stop this sort of shit from happening.”
I shrug. “What can I say? Even the loaded men are capable of being sleazebags, Aidan.”
“That’s not what I meant at all.”
“I know –”
“You shouldn’t imply I give a fuck about that. I meant I had people I know in there and they were supposed to make sure shit like that was under control.”
Wow, he was looking out for me.
I blow out a breath. “Look, Aidan, it happened –”
“If I wasn’t there, he would have kept at you –”
“And I would have continued to lose it at him! Shit like that has happened to me before, Aidan, and guess what? It’ll probably happen again!”
I’m only making him angrier. “No more clubs, Ivy.”
I let out a hard laugh. “Are you kidding me, Aidan?”
“It’s Mr West in public,” he has the nerve to correct me.
I roll my eyes. “Are you kidding me, Mr West?”
“Sir,” he corrects again, watching me closely, and now I don’t know whether he wants to strangle me or fuck me.
“You’re unhinged,” I tell him, walking past him. “Totally unhinged, sir!”
He grabs my arm and pulls me back to him. My front slams into his, and he’s staring down at me gravely. “You’re not going clubbing again,” he repeats. “I have to be with you next time, you hear?”
“I hear, but I’m not listening,” I reply. “I’m a grown ass woman. I can do what I want –”
His mouth collides with mine, silencing me. He kisses me hard. I melt against him, opening my mouth, inviting his tongue in. His hands run down my back and curl around my thighs. He picks me up and walks me down the sidewalk slowly, kissing me, exploring my mouth with that sinful tongue, the whole way.
“You’re so confusing,” I whisper, pulling back to look at him.
He doesn’t respond. He’s still angry. I roll my eyes at him. “Stop being so grouchy,” I tell him. “Nothing happened. You didn’t hit the douchebag. You’re not regressing into the old you.”
He tenses around me when I say that. It’s like I’ve nailed the real problem.
“Mr West, let’s go home, and we’ll continue our song and dance,” I tell him.
“Our song and dance?”
“Yeah, our pathetic display of pretending we can fight what’s happening between us.”
He stops completely now, staring at me. “I was never pretending. I’ve been very vocal about my needs with you.”
“You’ve barely spoken to me since the bedroom incident.”
“Because you won’t look at me.”
“I’m looking at you now.”
He slowly settles me down on the ground, and I realize it’s because we made it back to his car.
“I need to take it easy with you,” he tells me softly.
“Says who?” I ask.
“I’ve been through too much, Ivy, I don’t have room to get hurt.” He runs a frustrated hand through his hair. “You get me twisted up.”
“Because you like me –”
“Fuck sake, Ivy, I don’t just like you, alright?” he cuts in, looking irritated. “I want you. I want you so much. I can’t get you out of my fucking head. This feeling is a curse.”
“Feeling strongly for someone isn’t a curse.”
“It is if they have the power to ruin you.”
Oh, my God.
“You’re scared I’ll hurt you,” I respond softly, watching him as he paces to the car and settles his hands along the roof. “You think if I hurt you, it’ll trigger you to be the way you were?”
“Maybe,” he whispers faintly. “Or maybe I just don’t want to wake up one day and you don’t want me anymore.”
I don’t answer straight away.
He looks at me now, appearing almost sad. “How can someone just breeze into my life and it never feel the same again? I never even had the chance to fight this.”
“Would you have stopped it if you had the chance?” I wonder.
He shakes his head slowly, eyes burning into me. “I like it, too. Isn’t that crazy, Ivy? I like the pain because it reminds me I’m like everyone else, and I want to be like everyone else. I’ve felt like an outsider every day of my life. I’ve been numb too long now. I can’t remember the last time I ever felt so intensely. Maybe…once when Ruth held me to her.”
“When was that?”
He looks away. “When I got off the drugs. When I hit rock bottom. When she told me I didn’t have to be that way anymore. It was such a huge part of me, I didn’t think I had the freedom to choose anymore.”
It’s drizzling steadily now. My skin is damp and cold, but I can’t move. I stare at him, my heart pounding heavy in my chest. He’s more broken than I thought. More…tormented. I feel like I’ve only scratched the surface of his pain.
“You have me twisted up, too,” I admit, quietly. “I don’t just like you, either, Aidan. It’s…more than that.”
He turns his head to me but doesn’t look at me. His eyes are pinned on the ground as he listens. He needs to hear my feelings.
“I wanted more physically not just because of how good it feels. It’s because I want to feel connected to you on a deeper level. I shouldn’t have rushed it. I’m sorry.”
He doesn’t respond. He won’t look at me. He’s trying to hide his vulnerability from me, like it’s a weak part of his armor that he can’t let slip.
I step toward him, watching him closely. “You know what I wished for on my birthday? I wished you would want me.”
His eyes flicker up to mine. He stares at me, unreadable.
I smile shortly, my heart on my sleeve. “I wanted you to want me forever. Because it would terrify me one day thinking you could never feel the same way I do. You…can have anyone. You’re Aidan West, the Asshole of the East. You’ve been in the arms of the most elegant women. And I’m… just me.”
I sound insecure. I know this. I sound like I have zero confidence in myself, like I have no self-worth to consider myself even worthy of him.
All of this is true.
I feel all these things. It’s probably wrong to. I just haven’t caught up to believing otherwise. I have a giant gap to fill within myself. I’ve spent too long in a cycle of abuse and hurt, living in a relationship that did not benefit me, closing myself off emotionally. I’ve spent too long addicted to familiarity, thinking it was best I stick to the same cycle, the same day-in-day-out life. I surrendered to it, tried to make the most of it.
I’m only now slowly beginning to realize I have to stop thinking this way. I have to break that mold and change. I want to feel equal next to Aidan. But it’s not going to happen overnight.
I need to believe that on my own terms.
Aidan moves to me then. He places his hand on my face. I shiver from the cold, from his touch, from being too honest. I look into his deep brown eyes, drowning in them. They’re endless. Absolutely fucking endless.
He comes closer and drops his forehead to mine. He shuts his eyes and breathes deeply. “Ivy, Ivy, Ivy.”
I watch him, barely blinking. God, I care for this man. I really, really like him. I…I think it’s more than that, too. My heart skips a beat. I’m scared of this feeling.
He opens his eyes and looks into mine. Can he see my fear? I can see his. We’re both terrified, aren’t we?
It’s too soon. It’s too soon.
I squash that little voice in me. I am ready, I am certain of this.
I am.
“Let’s go home,” he finally whispers.
Twenty-Six
Ivy
The ride back is quiet, tense; there’s a new energy buzzing between us. It’s making me nervous. Ana messages me to let me know she’s home. It’s like she senses what’s going on because she says: good luck tonight, Ivy.
I have a feeling I need it.
We’re quite damp when we enter the apartment. Aidan’s moving straight to the kitchen and I’m wringing out my hair with a small kitchen towel. I meet him at the island. He’s pulling out bottles of alcohol and lining them up in front of me. I take a seat on the stool and watch him. He keeps shooting me glances and I can’t read any of them. Mr Mercurial is back in full force.
He slides me a heavy glass and I take it. He has all the bottles open and he stands there, behind the island, choosing not to sit, watching me as I grab a bottle of tequila and pour it into my glass. Whatever I drink, he follows suit. He takes the same bottle and pours it into his glass. He drinks a little more than me.
I think he’s trying to loosen up. Or loosen me up. I don’t know, but I definitely need to be loosened up.
The alcohol burns down my throat, and my brain is getting fuzzy. I’m surprised after so long my tolerance is still high.
He removes his suit jacket and tosses it on a counter behind him. Then he’s loosening his tie, all the while taking gulps of alcohol, like he needs it to breathe. He’s totally coming apart before me, his eyes turning heavier now when they regard me. He’s not as in control of himself. I like seeing him not in control of himself. All the truth starts to bleed out of him.