by Dean Koontz
These were stress-induced flights of the imagination, of course.
Increasingly, he used meditation to relieve stress. He was so skilled at concentrative meditation without seed—blanking his mind—that half an hour of it was as refreshing as a night’s sleep.
Late Monday afternoon, September 19, Junior returned wearily to his apartment, from another fruitless investigation of a Bartholomew, this one across the bay in Corte Madera. Exhausted by his unending quest, depressed by lack of success, he sought refuge in meditation.
In his bedroom, wearing nothing but a pair of briefs, he settled onto the floor, on a silk-covered pillow filled with goose down. With a sigh, he assumed the lotus position: spine straight, legs crossed, hands at rest with the palms up.
“One hour,” he announced, establishing a countdown. In sixty minutes, his internal clock would rouse him from a meditative state.
When he closed his eyes, he saw a bowling pin, a leftover image from his with-seed days. In less than a minute, he was able to make the pin dematerialize, filling his mind with featureless, soundless, soothing, white nothingness.
White. Nothingness.
After a while, a voice broke the vacuum-perfect silence. Bob Chicane. His instructor.
Bob gently encouraged him to return by degrees from the deep meditative state, return, return, return….
This was a memory, not a real voice. Even after you became an accomplished meditator, the mind resisted this degree of blissful oblivion and tried to sabotage it with aural and visual memories.
Using all his powers of concentration, which were formidable, Junior sought to silence the phantom Chicane. At first, the voice steadily faded, but soon it grew louder again, and more insistent.
In his smooth whiteness, Junior felt a pressure on his eyes, and then came visual hallucinations, disturbing his deep inner peace. He felt someone peel up his eyelids, and Bob Chicane’s worried face—with the sharp features of a fox, curly black hair, and a walrus mustache—was inches from his.
He assumed that Chicane was not real.
Soon he realized this was a mistaken assumption, because when the instructor began trying to unknot him from his lotus position, a defensive numbness deserted Junior, and he became aware of pain. Excruciating.
His entire body throbbed from his neck to the tips of his nine toes. His legs were the worst, filled with hot twisting agony.
Chicane wasn’t alone. Sparky Vox, the building superintendent, approached behind him and hovered. Seventy-two yet as spry as a monkey, Sparky didn’t walk so much as scamper like a capuchin.
“I hope it was all right I let him in, Mr. Cain.” Sparky had a capuchin’s overbite, too. “He told me it was an emergency.”
After prying Junior out of the meditative position, Chicane pushed him onto his back and vigorously—indeed, violently—massaged his thighs and calves. “Really bad muscle spasms,” he explained.
Junior realized that thick drool oozed out of the right corner of his mouth. Shakily, he raised one hand to wipe his face.
Apparently, he’d been drooling for a long time. Where his chin and throat were not sticky, a crust of dried saliva glazed his skin.
“When you didn’t answer the doorbell, man, I just knew what must have happened,” Chicane told Junior.
Then he said something to Sparky, who capered out of the room.
Junior could neither speak nor even mewl in agony. All the saliva had been draining forward, out of his open mouth, for so long that his throat was parched and raw. He felt as though he had munched on a snack of salted razor blades that were now stuck in his pharynx. His rattling wheeze sounded like scuttling scarabs.
The rough massage had only just begun to bring a little relief to Junior’s legs when Sparky returned with six stoppered rubber bags full of ice. “This was all the bags they had down at the drugstore.”
Chicane packed the ice against Junior’s thighs. “Severe spasm causes inflammation. Twenty minutes of ice alternating with twenty minutes of massage, until the worst passes.”
The worst, actually, was yet to come.
By now, Junior realized that he had been locked in a meditative trance for at least eighteen hours. He had settled into the lotus position at five o’clock Monday afternoon—and Bob Chicane had shown up for their regular instruction session at eleven Tuesday morning.
“You’re better at concentrative meditation without seed than anyone I’ve ever known, better than me. That’s why you, especially, should never undertake a long session unsupervised,” Chicane scolded. “At the very least, the very least, you should use your electronic meditation timer. I don’t see it here, do I?”
Guiltily, Junior shook his head.
“No, I don’t see it,” Chicane repeated. “There’s no benefit to a meditation marathon. Twenty minutes is enough, man. Half an hour at the most. You relied on your internal clock, didn’t you?”
Abashed, Junior nodded.
“And you set yourself for an hour, didn’t you?”
Before Junior could nod, the worst arrived: paralytic bladder seizures.
He had been thankful that during the long trance, he hadn’t wet himself. Now he would gladly have accepted any amount of humiliation rather than suffer these vicious cramps.
“Oh, my Lord,” Chicane groaned as he and Sparky half carried Junior into the bathroom.
The need for relief was tremendous, inexpressible, and the urge to urinate was irresistible, and yet he could not let go. For more than eighteen hours, his natural urinary process had been overridden by concentrative meditation. Now the golden vault was locked tight. Every time that he strained for release, a new and more hideous cramp savaged him. He felt as if Lake Mead filled his distended bladder, while Boulder Dam had been erected in his urethra.
In his entire life, Junior had never suffered this much pain without first having killed someone.
Reluctant to depart until certain that his student was out of danger physically, emotionally, and mentally, Bob Chicane stayed until three-thirty. When he left, he broke some bad news to Junior: “I can’t keep you on my student list, man. I’m sorry, but you’re way too intense for me. Way too. Everything you do. All the women you run through, this whole art thing, whatever all those phone books are about—now even meditation. Way too intense for me, too obsessive. Sorry. Have a good life, man.”
Alone, Junior sat in the breakfast nook with a pot of coffee and an entire Sara Lee chocolate fudge cake.
After the paralytic bladder seizures had passed and Junior had drained Lake Mead, Chicane recommended plenty of caffeine and sugar to guard against an unlikely but not impossible spontaneous return to a trance state. “Anyway, after pumping alpha waves for as long as you just did, you shouldn’t actually need to sleep anytime soon.”
In fact, although weak and achy, Junior felt mentally refreshed and wonderfully alert.
The time had come for him to think more seriously about his situation and his future. Self-improvement remained a laudable goal, but his efforts needed to be more focused.
He had the capacity to be exceptional at anything to which he applied himself. Bob Chicane had been right about that: Junior was far more intense than other men, possessed of greater gifts and the energy to use them.
In retrospect, he realized meditation didn’t suit him. It was a passive activity, while by nature he was a man of action, happiest when doing.
He had taken refuge in meditation, because he’d been frustrated by his continuing failure in the Bartholomew hunt and disturbed by his apparently paranormal experiences with quarters and with phone calls from the dead. More deeply disturbed than he had realized or had been able to admit.
Fear of the unknown is a weakness, for it presumes dimensions to life beyond human control. Zedd teaches that nothing is beyond our control, that nature is just a mindlessly grinding machine with no more mysteries in it than we will find in applesauce.
Furthermore, fear of the unknown is a weakness also because it humbles u
s. Humility, Caesar Zedd declares, is strictly for losers. For the purpose of social and financial advancement, we must pretend to be humble—shuffle our feet and duck our heads and make self-deprecating remarks—because deceit is the currency of civilization. But if ever we wallow in genuine humility, we will be no different from the mass of humanity, which Zedd calls “a sentimental sludge in love with failure and the prospect of its own doom.”
Gorging on fudge cake and coffee to guard against a spontaneous lapse into meditative catatonia, Junior manfully admitted that he had been weak, that he had reacted to the unknown with fear and retreat instead of with bold confrontation. Because each of us can trust no one in this world but himself, self-deceit is dangerous. He liked himself better for this frank admission of weakness.
Chastened by these recent events, he vowed to stop meditating, to avoid all passive responses to the challenges of life. He must explore the unknown rather than flinch from it in fear. Besides, through his explorations, he would prove that the unknown was all just tapioca or applesauce, or whatever.
He must begin by learning as much as possible about ghosts, hauntings, and the vengeance of the dead.
During the remainder of 1966, only two apparently paranormal events occurred in Junior Cain’s life, the first on Wednesday, October 5.
On a culture stroll, checking out the newest work in a circuit of his favorite art galleries, Junior arrived eventually at the show windows of Galerie Coquin. Prominently displayed to passersby on the busy street was the sculpture of Wroth Griskin: two large pieces, each weighing at least five hundred pounds, and seven much smaller bronzes elevated on pedestals.
Griskin, a former convict, had served eleven years for second-degree murder before the lobbying efforts of a coalition of artists and writers had won his parole. He possessed a huge talent. No one before Griskin had ever managed to express this degree of violence and rage in the medium of bronze, and Junior had long kept the artist’s work on his short list of desired acquisitions.
In the gallery windows, eight of the nine sculptures were so disturbing that many passersby, catching sight of them, blanched and looked away and hurried on. Not everyone can be a connoisseur.
The ninth piece was not art, certainly not a work by Griskin, and could disturb no one half as much as it rattled Junior. Upon a black pedestal stood a pewter candlestick identical to the one that had cracked the skull of Thomas Vanadium and had added dimension to the cop’s previously pan-flat face.
The gray pewter appeared to be mottled with a black substance. Perhaps char. As though it had been soiled in a fire.
At the top of the candlestick, the drip pan and the socket were marked by a wine-red drizzle. The color of well-aged bloodstains.
From these ominous spatters, several fibers bristled, having stuck to the pewter when the drizzle was still wet. They appeared to be human hairs.
Fear clotted in Junior’s veins, and he stood like an impacted embolism in the busy flow of pedestrians, certain that he himself would at any moment succumb to a stroke.
He closed his eyes. Counted to ten. Opened them.
The candlestick still rested atop the pedestal.
Reminding himself that nature was merely a dumb machine, utterly devoid of mystery, and that the unknown would always prove familiar if you dared to lift its veil, Junior discovered he could move. Each of his feet seemed to weigh as much as one of Wroth Griskin’s cast bronzes, but he crossed the sidewalk and went into Galerie Coquin.
Neither customers nor staff could be found in the first of the three large rooms. Only cheaper galleries were crowded with browsers and unctuous sales personnel. In an establishment as upscale as Coquin, the hoi polloi were discouraged from gawking, while the high value and extreme desirability of the art were made evident by the staff’s almost pathological aversion to promoting the merchandise.
The second and third rooms proved to be deserted, as well, and as muffled as the cushioned spaces of a funeral home, but an office was tucked discreetly at the back of the final chamber. As Junior crossed the third room, apparently monitored by closed-circuit security cameras, a man glided out of the office to greet him.
This galerieur was tall, with silver hair, chiseled features, and the all-knowing, imperious manner of a gynecologist to royalty. He wore a well-tailored gray suit, and his gold Rolex was the very watch that Wroth Griskin might have killed for in his salad days.
“I’m interested in one of the smaller Griskins,” said Junior, managing to appear calm, although his mouth was dry with fear and his mind spun with crazy images of the maniac cop, dead and rotting but nevertheless lurching around San Francisco.
“Yes?” the silver-haired eminence replied, wrinkling his nose as though he suspected that this customer would ask if the display pedestal was included in the price.
“I’m captivated more by painting than I am by most dimensional work,” Junior explained. “Really, the only sculpture I’ve acquired is Poriferan’s.”
Industrial Woman, which he’d purchased for a little more than nine thousand dollars, less than eighteen months ago and at another gallery, would fetch at least thirty thousand in the current market, so rapidly had Bavol Poriferan’s reputation risen.
The galerieur’s icy demeanor thawed marginally at this proof of taste and financial resources. He either smiled or grimaced at a vague but unpleasant smell—hard to tell which—and identified himself as the owner, Maxim Coquin.
“The piece that’s intrigued me,” Junior revealed, “is the one that’s rather like a c-c-candlestick. It’s quite different from the others.”
Professing befuddlement, the galerieur led the way through three rooms to the front windows, gliding across the polished maple floors as though he were on wheels.
The candlestick was gone. The pedestal on which it had stood now held a Griskin bronze so devastatingly brilliant that one quick look at it would give nightmares to nuns and assassins alike.
When Junior attempted to explain himself, Maxim Coquin summoned an expression no less dubious than that of a policeman listening to the alibi of a suspect with bloody hands. Then: “I’m quite sure that Wroth Griskin does not make candlesticks. If that’s what you’re looking for, I’d recommend the housewares department at Gump’s.”
Both angry and mortified, yet still fearful, a walking multimedia collage of emotions, Junior left the gallery.
Outside, he turned to look at the display windows. He expected to see the candlestick, supernaturally apparent only from this side of the glass, but it wasn’t there.
Throughout the autumn, Junior read book after book about ghosts, poltergeists, haunted houses, ghost ships, séances, spirit rapping, spirit manifestation, spirit writing, spirit recording, trance speaking, conjuration, exorcism, astral projection, Ouija-board revelation, and needlepoint.
He had come to believe that every well-rounded, self-improved person ought to have a craft at which he excelled, and needlepoint appealed to him more than either pottery-making or decoupage. For pottery, he would require a potter’s wheel and a cumbersome kiln; and decoupage was too messy, with all the glue and lacquer. By December, he began his first project: a small pillowcase featuring a geometric border surrounding a quote from Caesar Zedd, “Humility is for losers.”
At 3:22 in the morning, December 13, following a busy day of conducting ghost research, seeking Bartholomews in a telephone book, and working on his needlepoint, Junior awakened to singing. A single voice. No instrumental accompaniment. A woman.
Initially, lying drowsily in the sumptuous comfort of Pratesi cotton sheets with black silk piping, Junior assumed that he was in a twilight state between wakefulness and sleep, and that the singing must be a lingering fragment of a dream. Although rising and falling, the voice remained so faint that he didn’t at once identify the tune, but when he recognized “Someone to Watch over Me,” he sat up in bed and threw back the covers.
Switching on the lights as he went, Junior sought the source of the serenade. He ca
rried the 9-mm pistol, which would have been useless against a spirit visitor; but his extensive reading about ghosts hadn’t convinced him that they were real. His faith in the effectiveness of bullets—and pewter candlesticks, for that matter—remained undiminished.
Although faint and somewhat hollow, the woman’s crooning was pure and so on-note that this a cappella rendition fell as pleasantly on the ear as any voice sweetened by an orchestra. Yet the song had a disturbing quality, as well, an eerie note of yearning, longing, a piercing sadness. For want of a better word, her voice was haunting.
Junior stalked her, but she eluded him. Always, the song seemed to arise from the next room, but when he passed through the doorway into that space, the voice then sounded as if it came from the room that he’d just left.
Three times, the singing faded away, but twice, just when he thought that she had finished, she began to croon again. The third time, the silence lasted.
This venerable old building, as solidly constructed as a castle, was well-insulated; noises in other apartments rarely penetrated to Junior’s. Never before had he heard a neighbor’s voice distinctly enough to comprehend the words spoken—or, in this case, sung.
He doubted that the singer had been Victoria Bressler, dead nurse, but he believed this was the same voice he’d heard on the telephone, back on the twenty-fifth of June, when someone purporting to be Victoria had called with an urgent warning for Bartholomew.
At 3:31 A.M., even the early-winter dawn wasn’t near, yet Junior was too awake to return to bed. Though sweet, though melancholy, never ominous, the ghostly singing had left him feeling…threatened.
He considered taking a shower and getting an early start on the day. But he kept remembering Psycho: Anthony Perkins dressed in women’s clothes and wielding a butcher knife.
Needlepoint provided no sanctuary. Junior’s hands trembled just badly enough to make accurate stitchery impossible.
His mood ruled out reading about poltergeists and such.
Instead, he sat in the breakfast nook with his phone books and resumed the grueling search for Bartholomew.
Find the father, kill the son.
In just nine days, Junior bedded four beautiful women: one on Christmas Eve, the next on Christmas Night, the third on New Year’s Eve, and the fourth on New Year’s Day. For the first time in his life—and on all four occasions—his joy in the act was less than complete.
Not that he failed to perform well. As always, he was a bull, a stallion, an insatiable satyr. None of his lovers complained; none had the energy for complaint when he’d finished with them.
Yet something was missing.
He felt hollow. Unfinished.
As beautiful as they were, none of these women satisfied him as profoundly as Naomi had satisfied him.
He wondered if The Missing Thing might be love.
With Naomi, sex had been glorious, because they were bonded on multiple levels, all deeper than the mere physical. They had been so close, so emotionally and intellectually entwined, that in making love to her, he’d been making love to himself; and he would never experience a greater intimacy than that.
He yearned for a new heart mate. He was wise enough to know that no amount of yearning could transform the wrong woman into the right one. Love couldn’t be demanded, planned, or manufactured. Love always came as a surprise, snuck up on you when you were least expecting it, like Anthony Perkins in a dress.
He could only wait. And hope.
Hope became easier to sustain when late 1966 and 1967 brought the biggest advance in women’s fashions since the invention of the sewing needle: the miniskirt, and then the micromini. Already, Mary Quant—of all things, a British designer—had conquered England and Europe with her splendid creation; now she brought America out of the dark ages of psychopathic modesty.
Everywhere in the fabled city, calves and knees and magnificent expanses of taut thighs were on display. This brought out the dreamy romantic in Junior, and more than ever he yearned desperately for the perfect woman, the ideal lover, the matching half of his incomplete heart.
Yet the most enduring relationship he had all year was with the ghostly singer.
On February 18, he returned home in the afternoon, from a class in spirit channeling, and heard singing as he opened his front door. That same voice. And the same hateful song. As faint as before, repeatedly rising and falling.
Quickly, he searched for the source, but in less than a minute, before he could trace the voice, it faded away. Unlike that night in December, this time the singing didn’t resume.
Junior was disturbed that the mysterious chanteuse had been performing when he wasn’t home. He felt violated. Invaded.
No one had actually been here. And he still didn’t believe in ghosts, so he didn’t think that a spirit had been wandering his home in his absence.
Nevertheless, his sense of violation grew as he paced these now-songless rooms, mystified and frustrated.