by Pua Ramona
We stand there watching him drive off and all we hear is “Why didn’t you do anything babe?” Becca asks, looking hurt. Reese ignores us and walks inside the office slamming the door behind him.
Becca walks closer and I stop her with both of my hands up “You need to leave Becca, I already told you I was done, and I meant it. I’ll pack your things and you can pick them up here tomorrow, or I can just drop it off at your place.”
She stands there shaking her head with tears rolling down her face. If she did this a few weeks ago it might have worked, but I don't have time for these crocodile tear games now. Becca was never my end game and she knew it. “You don’t mean that Eli” she cries out trying to reach out to me.
“I do. I mean it Becca, we are done” I say before I turn and walk into the office closing the door behind me.
I walk past Reese and make my way to the coffee pot “Do you want some coffee?” I ask trying to make amends for the shit show that just happened outside. I look over my shoulder and I see him shutting down his computer like he does when it’s time to get off work. “Are you heading out early?” I ask. He looks at me and doesn’t say and continues getting ready to leave “So you’re going to ignore me now?” I know I’m goading him but I don’t give a shit. “Fine leave, it’s not like you’ve been here to do your actual job anyways. So you can fucking leave now” I growl.
He drops his jacket and throws me up the wall “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you being such a fucking asshole? Huh?” he yells.
I feel like shit because I have no right to be a dick to him but my emotions are everywhere. I give up because I need to know. “Why didn’t you tell me it was Sina’s birthday?” I ask, feeling defeated.
Reese looks confused and says, “What? What does she have to do with anything?”
I pull out of his grip and say “Everything man, everything.”
Reese moves to his desk and looks at me still confused “So you’re mad ‘cause of Sina? I don’t fucking understand man. You’re going to have to help me with this one ‘cause I’m confused as fuck right now.”
I run both hands through my hair feeling frustrated “I have feelings for her. I always have and don’t know what the fuck to do now shes back” I look at him sure enough he looks surprised at first, then irritated.
He shakes his head and says “No fucking way man. She’s been dealing with enough as it is, she doesn’t need yours or Becca’s bullshit too so you can forget about that shit straight off”
I stand up straight and take a couple steps until I’m in his face. I push him and say “Who the fuck are you to tell me to stay away from her, huh?” I pushed him again asking “What? Do you have a fucking thing for her Reese? Does she make your dick hard too, is that what it is? Since when did you start having a soft spot for her, huh?”
Yeah I’ve completely lost my shit over someone that probably doesn’t give two fucks that I see her. But I always saw her, the times she smiled for smiles sake, the way she watched the water of the lake that day, the way she scrunched her nose when she wasn’t sure of something. I see her. The look on Reese’s face says it all and I know that I’ve just fucked up bad. He gets in my face and shoves me hard into the fucking wall “What the fuck?” I bark out.
He punches me dead in my face “Since I watched her breakdown at Pixies in front of Michael'' he hits me again “Since she held onto me afraid that Michael would hurt her again” and one last blow to my gut “Since I found out that she use be a fucking cutter.” I can’t breathe and it isn’t because of the hits I’ve just taken, it’s because my heart just broke for her. I’ve been too damn busy worrying about myself and blaming Reese when all he’s done is protect her from everything that was hurting her. I slide to the ground holding my chest. Reese slides down right next to me with his head hanging down, tears welling in his eyes. “I saw the scars, man. She doesn’t know that I saw them, and I doubt that anyone knows” I’ve never seen Reese cry before “There’s more to the story Eli, it wasn't just Michael and Becca. Something happened ‘cause when she woke up from passing out she was screaming and hitting. I tried waking her up but she wouldn’t. When Leila came back after she called for help Sina woke up screaming, “No Jackson'' When she realized it was me and Leila she broke down again” he says shaking his head.
I sit here fuming because I wasn’t there for her, I’m pissed that Michael did this to her, I’m pissed that I gave my time to Becca, I’m fucking livid because I want to know who this Jackson fucker is. Most of all, my soul hurts because she’s hurting so much and yet she’s walking around smiling like she’s doing fine when all she is are just broken pieces of herself.
Reese rests his head back against the wall and says “I don’t know what it is, but there’s something so innocent and pure about her that draws you to her. When I saw her breaking down in the parking lot, a little piece of me broke along with her. I fucking hated that Mike was one of the reasons she was so broken; I hated it even more because he stood there watching her. I feel Reese's eyes on me, he takes a deep breath and says, “After seeing everything play out that day, I’ve been checking in on her making sure that she was okay. I promised myself that I’d do everything to keep that girl safe, and if that means keeping you away from her then that’s what I’ll do. I’m not sure what other demons she’s dealing with Eli, but I’m asking you as your best friend to please leave her alone. I don’t think she’ll survive it if you get a hold of her heart man.” Reese stands up and walks to the door, but before he leaves he looks at me and says, “You have Becca parading around you everywhere. Sina deserves someone that’ll put her first.”
I look up at him from my spot on the floor and ask, “Does Lei know you’re in love with her, Reese?” I don’t want to know the true answer to that, but it’s too late now.
Reese chuckles and says “Leila’s the one who asked me to be one of her stand-in brothers and protect her. She’s been spending a lot of time with Sina since she’s been home. Leila owns every piece of my heart Eli. Lei cares about her and the Petersons are good people. So, that makes Sina my friend” he takes a step out the door and looks over his shoulder, “Maybe you should get to know her more as a person. She’s not Becca, Eli. She’s a good woman who deserves a simple kiss on her forehead, to be told that everything’s going to be okay, to have her hair tucked behind her ear, to be told that she’s loved, but more importantly she deserves to find a home and a keeper that is willing to keep the already broken pieces that’s left of her heart safe. Cause one day that’s something I hope any daughters we may have will find and have for the rest of their lives.”
I can’t get myself to watch Reese walk out the door because I know he’s right. I can’t get my chest to stop hurting. Is this what your heart feels like when you genuinely care for someone else? Mama always told me that one day I’ll find my person, and when I do it’ll feel like my first heartbreak. I sit there and allow my heart to feel every emotion for the first time since I saw Sina at that gas station.
Chapter Seven
Sina
“What the heck is this? Leila there’s no way I’m wearing this piece of nothing” I say, while Mona’s laughing her ass off on my bed. “It’s not funny Mona. When have you ever seen me wearing anything like this? Right. Never”, I whine.
“But it’s your birthday Sis, so you’ve got no choice but to wear that shit. You look fucking hot in it” Mona says winking at me.
I stand there looking in the mirror feeling awkward because I have never worn anything so short “I’ll wear anything you give me, just not this. I’ll look like every other girl at the bar”
Mona rolls her eyes and says “You never want to play dress up Sina. You’re no fun” she fake pouts.
Leila laughs and says “Okay fine, you can wear jeans but they’ll have to be fitted ones, not your elastic ones Sina.”
I give her my ‘you wound me’ look with both hands on my chest “You mean my mommy jeans, get it right”, I say.
They both look at me and say sarcastically at the same time, “Okay.”
I stand there with both middle fingers up. “Eat me fuckers!” They laugh some more.
Mona gets up from the bed and says, “You should leave the bad words to me and Leila. You just make that shit sound too damn clean, you’re the only one who can use the word fucker and make it sound clean. Don’t say it again, fuck is one of my favorite words, so don’t fuck it up.” Her orders fall flat with the humor that's woven through her words.
“Fuck you” I say with a little bit of attitude.
“You sound more like a valley girl then Leila does, and she’s a white girl.” Mona looks dead at Leila and says, “And no that was not a racist comment either.”
Leila stops what she’s doing and says with a serious look on her face, “Thank you for clearing that up, because for a second there I thought I didn’t know what color I was.” They both look at each other for a few seconds then they start laughing as if someone just told the funniest joke. I shake my head at them and take the scrap of a dress off.
Leila pulls out a pair of fitted jeans and hands them to me, then she goes to my closet and asks me in mock horror, “Did you not pack any going out clothes?”
“Nope, wasn’t planning on going out.” I say as I hold out the jeans for inspection.
She goes back to her bags and pulls out a black lace tank top, with a red and black flannel that still has the price tag on it. “Here wear this. We don’t want you to have a makeover, we want to make sure you’re comfortable” Leila says smiling. “Do you wear contacts at all?”
“Yeah, why?” I ask her as I fold the flannel over my arm.
She looks at me with both hands on her hips, “Because you’re going to put them in tonight, so that way you won’t have to keep pushing them glasses up your face” she chuckles.
I roll my eyes and say, “Whatever Leila” while she laughs at me some more. I look at the outfit and tell her, “This I can definitely wear, but I won’t wear heels.”
Leila raises her eyebrows and says “Yes you are, you’re already short as it is. The heels will complete your outfit.”
Mona yells from the bathroom “I’m doing your hair and makeup Sis, so bring that tight ass here when you’re done.”
I now understand why women give themselves extra hours to get ready because it takes us three and a half hours to get ready, and an extra thirty minutes. The girls thought we should pre-drink before we head out to The Hut, so Mona passes out double shots of Tennessee whiskey “There you go ladies. Happy birthday Sis, and let this year be your year of peace, love and lots of fucking.” I shake my head at her bullshit and we tap our glasses and throw them back like pros, except I choke on mine ‘cos I’m cool like that.
Leila pats my back laughing “Damn girl. That ass is about to be loose tonight, yes!” she says way too happy about it.
“Alright bitches, it’s about that time” Mona says while she heads out the door.
Leila clears off the counter and grabs her phone “You ready birthday girl?” she asks.
“I’m going to go say goodnight to Emma first okay” I answer her.
“I’ll wait for you,” she says smiling at me.
I run up the stairs and stop at Emma’s door listening to her say her evening prayers. “And God, please help Mama be happy. I know I make her happy, but I ask you to please take everything sad away from her heart. And make her smile more, I think it’s pretty on her. And thank you for my big aiga. Amen.”
“Amen” Mama repeats after Emma. I stand still at the door covering my mouth because I don’t want Emma to hear me cry. I grab some tissue from my purse and try cleaning my face without messing my makeup as best as I can before I knock on her door.
“Hey Mama, you look beautiful,” she says.
I sit down next to her on her bed and say “I’m going out for a little bit. Or would you rather me stay home with you babygirl?”
Emma smiles at me and says “Nope, Uncle D, Uncle Micah, and Uncle Luka said they wanted to spend time with you, so have fun mama. Grandma Rita and Auntie Claire will be here with me.”
I look at my daughter and say “You’re an amazing little girl Emma, stop growing on me.” I pull her in for a hug and kiss the top of her head.
“I love you forever even when the sun doesn’t shine'', we say to each other and kiss our pinkies then lock them together.
She leans in and whispers “I love you Mama, and it’s okay for you to be happy”. I give her another hug and stand up to leave her room.
“Have fun sweetie, and try not to worry so much”
I give my mother a hug and say “Thanks Mama for watching Emma, I really appreciate it.”
She looks at me and says, “You need to have some fun, and you need a break now, go on, don’t keep the girls waiting.” I step out of Emma’s room and see Leila is standing watching us.
“You’re an amazing mother Sina. Your daughter is you, but a baby version, you’re doing a great job.” We both walk back downstairs and before we stepped out to the car Leila grabs my hand and says “Sina, tonight is all about you. Let everything go and just be, you deserve a night off from all the bullshit. Okay? At least try to enjoy yourself.”
I answer with a slight nod and walk to the car, not letting go of Leila’s hand. I look up and thank God for Mona and Leila, even if tonight is the only time we’re going to have, I'm happy it’s with these two beautiful ladies who have occupied parts of my heart.
We arrive at The Hut and it’s packed. There were no parking spots available, even across the street was packed with cars. Mona makes a left turn and I notice there’s an open spot right by the front door. Mona looks over her shoulder and says “This is my spot”, and winks.
We all get out of the car and you can hear the music from inside, “Is it always this busy here?” I ask, this would be my first time at my brother, Daniel’s, bar – The Hut. I walk around to meet Mona and Leila by the door.
“Yeah, we get a pretty good crowd on Fridays and Saturdays” Mona says.
Leila grabs my hand and grins, “Come on party animal, first round’s on me!”
Mona pulls the door open and says “Oh hell nah, drinks are on the house all night for the birthday girl and us.” We get inside and we literally have to squeeze our way through the crowd. We get close to the bar but Mona grabs my hand, while I hold on to Leila’s hand with the other “We reserved a table. Your brothers wanted to make sure people weren’t hovering over you.” I give her a grateful smile, I’m afraid that I’m going to fall flat on my face. Why didn’t I just wear my flats? My brothers and my sister see us making our way to the table, and I feel another piece of my smile click into place.
“Happy birthday, nerd'' Megan says while trying to squeeze me in one of her bear hugs that she’s giving, with her short arms.
I hug her back saying “Thank you for coming!”
She looks at me and uses her thumb to wipe the tear that has escaped my eyeball “Thank you for coming home, even if it’s for a few days”, she whispers with tears in her eyes. My sister is my best friend. She knows all my secrets, except for one. We did everything together until she got married and had her own family. We still kept in touch after I moved away, but it's different being able to hold her in my arms and not facetime on our phones. I hold on to her for a few seconds longer before I’m yanked out of her hug and lifted off of the floor
“Happy birthday, Sis. I love you” Daniel says. I hug him back whilst he dangles me in his arms.
I'm sure I’m choking him but he doesn't complain. “Thank you for this D, I love you” I say as he puts me back down and I feel someone tugging at my hair
“Happy Birthday little sis” I feel the tears forming behind my eyes as Micah leans in and gives me a hug, it doesn’t last for a long, but I know he loves me. He’s the brother that never has anything to say, but when he does he makes sure that his point is made and then continues with his day. I hope my makeup doesn’t look
like crap because now my tears are just not stopping, shoot.
“Happy Birthday Masina,” Luka says. He wraps me in a tight hug that makes me feel safe and he says, “I know you’re still dealing with a shitload, but I’m here if you ever need to talk or just need me to listen”
I hug him tight and tell him that I love him more, I also thank him for being there for me, especially on my bad days when I feel like I’m dying inside. Before I can work on wiping a mix of salty tears and snot off my face, I see Reese standing next to Leila. I make my way over to them, and Reese pulls me in for a hug so I can cry some more.
“Shh, stop crying Sina, you’re going to end up looking like a trash panda” Reese says.
I snort, “Thank you for everything Reese, and thank you for not asking me questions.”
“I’ll be waiting when you’re ready to tell me what’s going on okay? I won’t push you, but you need to let me know what to do for you Sina” he says with so much sadness in his eyes.
“I will, thank you Reese.”
He kisses the top of my sweaty head and tells me, “I’m here if you ever need to talk.”
So I do what I promised Leila I would do tonight. I push everything that’s been weighing extremely heavy in my heart aside, and just go through the night enjoying everyone that means anything to me being here for me. My Aiga. As the night continues more shots and drinks are passed around. More and more people come to our table to wish me birthday wishes. Some of my cousins show up too, more family friends and people who I haven’t seen since we graduated high school. “Here drink this Sis” Mona says, handing me another shot.
“But I just took one a minute ago,” I pout.
She looks at me and says “Sis, just take it you’re going to need it.”