by Pua Ramona
“Pretty girl, you’re up.” I hear as the door opens. I try not to cry, but the stupid tears are already falling.
“Reese” I sob as I turn toward him. He threads his arms around me and I feel safe.
“I missed you,” he says, “Why are you out of bed?”
“Where is he?” I ask. Reese’s face falls. Something is definitely wrong. “Reese, I’ve been through hell and back. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it if you started lying to me now. Where’s everyone at? Why isn’t he here?” My feelings are starting to get hurt. I’m starting to feel like he couldn’t handle being with me after everything that’s happened and that maybe he’s left me. “Reese? Did he leave?” I cry. “Don’t treat me like glass Reese.”
“Wait here,” he says.
“Reese.” I beg.
He looks at me. “You can’t walk so I’m going to see if I could grab you a wheelchair.” A few minutes later he walks back in with a wheelchair. He helps me into it and says “Your brother’s are going to kill me, but I won’t lie to you pretty girl.” I don’t say anything. “You ready?” he asks.
I shook my head. “No. But I have to know” I say. He kisses the top of my head and wheels me out of the room and down the hall. A few nurses smile and wave at me. But their smile looks sad. He pushes me a few more doors down and stops. No one is around, so I ask “Why did you stop?”
Reese has tears in his eyes. “They tried everything to save him,” he says and my heart drops.
“Reese, please take me to him” I beg. A couple of nurses are watching us and they also have tears in their eyes. “I need to see him,” I cry.
He clears his throat and pushes the door open. Every single pair of eyes are on me and it makes me feel uncomfortable, like I’m intruding. I feel left out. My heart hurts. Reese is getting ready to push me closer, but I stop him, climbing up from the chair and standing on my own two feet. “Sina,” he says. But I don’t pay him any attention. I walk inside the room and no one says anything to me, and that hurts. Luka and Daniel try to block the way so I can’t see him, but I’m not going to let them make me leave.
“Get out of my way,” I say.
“Sina. You shouldn’t be here” Luka says. I feel my face get hot and I start getting angry.
“If he’s fucking dying, I suggest you move.” I growl at him.
“Sweetie, maybe you should go back to your room and wait there for me,” Mama says. I’m trying to be cool, but I’m getting pissed off because they’re treating me like a fucking child again, doing the same shit they did with Micah.
“Mama, I love you. But no one’s going to keep me away from him, and I am not going back to my room.” Breathe. She doesn’t say anything and takes a step back. Tears run down my face and I feel someone lace their fingers through mine.
“I need to see him.” I cry to Megan. She holds my hand with both of hers and I feel another pair of hands clasp around my other one.
“I’m glad you made it,” Leila says.
“Move!” I tell Luka.
“Megan,” Luka growls at her.
“She’s not a damn child so stop treating her like one. Now move or I’ll do it myself” she snaps at him.
Daniel is the first to move, then Luka follows him after he gives Megan the death stare. I’m not ready to look so I close my eyes.
“Sis, the machine’s helping him breathe. The doctor’s saying that the machine’s pretty much keeping him alive,” Megan updates me. I don’t know what’s worse. Being in a coma, or waking up and finding out that the love of your life is about to die.
I looked to both my sister and Leila. “I need to do this on my own,” I tell them. They don’t question me, and they both let my hands go and move to the other side of the room. I take a deep breath and move closer. Mrs. Hunter is sitting on the chair crying and it breaks my heart. I try not to choke on my emotions as I clear my throat.
“Mrs. H.” I say. She doesn’t turn to look at me, and I feel like she blames me for her boy being in that bed, even though I have no idea what put him there and no one is fucking telling me anything. I move closer to her and I touch her shoulder. “Eliza, can I please have a minute with him?” I cry.
She reaches and puts her hand on mine as she stands up from her chair. She looks at me and says, “I’m going to step out for some air, you can sit with him until I come back.” She hugs me and then she and Mama leave the room.
I can feel everyone’s eyes on me, I know they’re waiting for me to break, but I’m not going too. I take a few steps forward and look at him. His face is pale, his lips are cracking, and he has tubes everywhere. I notice he has a few bruises on his face, but I’m not going to ask questions. But I need to know why he’s on life support.
“What happened?” I ask. No one says anything. I take a deep breath. “What happened?” I ask again.
“He got shot,” Daniel says. My hands automatically fly to my mouth. “He went after Jackson the same night you got hurt.”
I feel sick, I need to throw up. “Jackson shot him?”
“No. Tino did. He was pissed that Luka and I chose Eli over Jackson. No one knew he had a gun until it was too late to stop him.” I feel my blood boiling. Tino and Jackson were always close, even when we were growing up they were always together. “The gun went off and it hit Eli pretty bad in his abdomen and they had to do an emergency surgery on him. They said that they’re surprised that he’s still alive, but that his body is shutting down on him. He can’t breathe on his own.”
How can everything go so wrong in such a small period of time? Are we ever going to catch a damn break?
“What happened to Jackson?” I ask, needing to know.
“Eli broke his jaw in two places, broke a couple of his ribs, fucked up his face, and he cut both of his arms with a broken bottle” Luka says.
“And no one jumped in?” I question.
“No, they knew that if they did they were going to have to go through us to get to Eli.” Luka tells me.
“What about Tino?” I ask.
“They’re both going to be doing time,” Luka says. I’m not going to worry about that right now, I need to be with Eli. He is my priority
“Can you guys help me move him?” I ask.
“Move him where?” Reese says.
“Move him a little because I want to lay with him.” I cry. None of them say anything, but they all help move him to make space for me. Reese helps me up on the bed. I turn so I can face Eli and lay my head on his chest. I can feel his heart beating, but it’s getting weaker. I cry harder.
Luka covers us with an extra blanket. “We’ll be outside. If you need anything just yell for us, we’ll be by the door” he says. He moves my hair away from my face and leaves. I hear the door click and I shatter. I can’t lose him. I just can’t. I lay here and cry until I fall asleep.
“Sina.” I am exhausted. I feel someone shaking my shoulder a little. “Sina.” I open my eyes and see my sister. “Sorry to wake you. I wanted to see if you wanted anything. Are you hungry?” she asks. I shake my head no, and lay my head back on his chest.
“Do you remember the first day I saw you at the gas station?” I say to Eli with a little laugh. “I’m glad that it was you. I know you heard me say I wished it was Marino, but it was a lie. I’ve always wanted it to be you.” I know he isn’t going to answer me, but I don’t stop talking to him. “So, I ended up taking my books that you got me for my birthday. I even took the basket.” I wrap my arm around his waist. “Only you can make a girl feel special on her birthday, then shit on it a few hours later.” I laugh. “I miss you. I miss your voice; I miss your eyes. I miss the stupid things you say, I miss your kisses.” My tears soak his chest. “I hope you don’t mind, I just wiped my nose on your shirt.” I sigh. “You know what I remembered? I remembered seeing you at the lake eight years ago. We were both at the lake eight years ago. Now eight years later we’re laying here in the same hospital bed broken, and crazy in love with each other.” A
ll this crying, you’d think I’d be out of tears already. “I heard you tell me that you loved me before I went into that deep sleep. I want you to know that I never blamed you for what Jackson did to me. It wasn’t your fault. It was no one’s fault.”
I want him to talk to me. I need to hear his voice. I want him to hear my voice, and come back to me like I did when I heard his. He’s the reason why I’m still alive. “Please don’t leave me” I beg. I kiss him on his lips. “Stay with me” I whisper. “Come back to me Eli.” I kiss him on his forehead, his nose, his cheeks, chin. Then I kiss him again and again on his lips. “You promised me bookshelves and a million books. Who’s going to build them with me?” I cry even harder. I’m not sure if he ever actually told me that, but for some reason it feels like a memory. “You have to come back to me, we have plans. How am I supposed to give you your eight children if you’re not going to be here? Which by the way is a lot of kids and we shall negotiate on numbers when you wake up Mister.”
I wipe the tears off my face. It hurts to move, but I don’t care. I need him to hear me. I need him to fight for us. We’ve come too far for things to end like this. “You were sent to me Eli. You were meant to find me. I want everything with you, good and bad. Everything that is you I want it all, but you have to want it too. I won’t let you give up now, do you hear me? I’m not letting you go like this. If you’re going to die it’s going to be because of old age, nothing else.” I hold his face in my hands and kiss him again. I lean my forehead on his and whisper “Come find me. However long you need to rest I don’t care, but you’re going to wake up and you’re going to come find me. I will always wait for you. Even if it means I have to wait forever.”
I lay my head back down and reach for his hand, placing it gently on my chest. Inhale. Exhale. “Feel my heartbeat Eli, my heart only beats like that for you, Emma and Baby Eli. My heart can’t only have half a beat. I need my heart to beat like this, Eli.” My heart is heavy, my eyes can't stay opened, and my body hurts. I should ask for some medicine, but if he’s laying here in pain, then I will deal with mine. I’m not going to let him hurt alone. I can feel myself shutting down. I lift his hand to my lips and I kiss every single finger, I turn his hand and I kiss the inside of his wrist. I lay his hand on my chest and say “I love you forever Elijah Hunter.”
I have to prepare myself for the worst. I don’t want to, but I have to. I don’t want him to suffer if he’s not able to fight anymore, but I’m selfish and I am not going to give up on him now. “Just a few more days my love, just give me a few more days.” Then I fall asleep to the sound of his beating heart.
I’m released the next day and I never leave the hospital. I move a few doors down to stay with Eli. I know I need my rest, and I need to heal, but there is no way I was going to leave him, no way. I help his mother with little things like bathing him and keeping her company. We even pray together and it helps with the ache I’m feeling. It doesn’t matter that we’re in the same room, sleeping in the same bed, I miss him.
It’s been a whole week since we’ve been in the hospital, and I’m starting to accept that I have to let him go. I asked him for a few days, and he’s given me that. I can’t be selfish anymore, I know he’s holding on because I asked him to, and I can’t let him suffer anymore. The doctor tells us that he’s getting weaker, and his brain is running on fumes and it breaks my heart. But I have to be strong for Eliza. We both know that it’s his time to let go. His mother is willing to give me a couple more days, but I know it’s breaking her to see him like this and I can’t ask her to do that.
Everyone comes to visit him every day, including Michael. He keeps Emma while I stay here, and she understands why I have to be here. Emma spends most of her days here with us because she wants to be here for Eli too, then she leaves when her dad comes to pick her up. He’s been an amazing help. I can tell that Emma is in love with her dad, and that’s okay because he’s supposed to be her first love, just how Daddy was mine. Emma being happy makes me happy.
Becca and I are slowly rebuilding our friendship; things aren’t awkward anymore. She’s around our family more and the guys have developed a soft spot for her.. Surprisingly, my sister’s been helping her a lot with little things and I love her for it. Mona? Let’s just say that she’s cool with her, but she still doesn’t like Becca.
Reese and Leila have been amazing. Have I mentioned how much I love them? Because I do. They’ve been the two people who’ve been helping me through this. They were the closest people in Eli’s life and it makes me feel closer to him to have them around and makes the pain a little bit easier to deal with.
Mama has been a huge help not only for me, but for Eliza too. They’ve been spending a lot more time together and it’s helped them both in ways that I couldn’t even explain. I guess you could say that they were each other’s best friend, and it makes things easier for Eliza to deal with. We’ve a set date for Micah’s funeral, and I’ve decided to bury our son’s ashes with him because I know that they’re together and it helps put my heart at ease. I decide to cremate baby Elijah because it’s the right thing to do for us. There’s too much going on, and we don’t want to have to deal with too much stress, so we decide to keep things simple for our family.
We haven’t heard from anyone from Daddy’s side of the family since everything happened, which was probably best for right now. But I think what hurts me a little is that I haven’t heard from June-Bug. I don’t want him to think that I’m angry with him because I’m not. I’ve called him several times and left a message, but I figured he’ll reach out to me when he’s ready. I just want him to know that he’s still my brother and that I still love him. The only one’s that've been here to visit us are Grandpa Tali and Auntie Claire. They have been a huge help with the funeral arrangements along with Mama’s side of the family. I guess you could say that life is working itself out on it’s own. Except, the days are creeping by and no amount of planning, or distractions can ease the pain in my chest. I am dreading saying goodbye to Eli.
“Sweetie, your grandfather’s here to see you,” Mama Hunter says from the door of Eli’s room. I wipe my tears away and I kiss him before I climb out of bed. She pulls me in for a hug and I do everything I can to stop myself from crying. “I know sweetie, I know.” Eliza kisses me on my temple and reaches for Eli’s hand, placing a kiss there too. “I love you my son” she whispers as she walks out of the room.
I pull an extra chair next to the bed and put it in the spot that Grandpa Tali has claimed as his own. He said he sits by the window with his back to the sun because it’s when he feels the closest to God. I asked him why he would face his back to God and he answered “Because if I should ever fall, He’ll always be there to catch me.” I’ve never thought about it that way, but it makes sense and for some reason knowing that helps calm my heart. I move my chair next to his and I walk to the door to help him to his chair.
“You’re going to have to stop treating me like an old man little Sina.”
I smile and kiss him on his cheek. “Hi Grandpa.”
He takes a breath and says, “Can I get something to drink?” I have a couple of cold water bottles so I grab one for him. I pour it in one of the cups that I have and hand it to him. He smiles as I sit down and reach for Eli’s hand. “Ua mai oe?” Grandpa asks. I shrug my shoulders, I wasn’t fine but he knows that. “Talk to me. What’s on your mind?” he asks.
One thing that I have always loved about my grandfather is that he never has anything to say, but is an amazing listener. He reminds me a lot of Daddy and it’s probably why I’m close to my grandfather. He sits his cup on the table and reaches for my hand. I lace my fingers through his because I need him to let me know that things are going to be okay. My grandfather has witnessed a lot and knows more about life than anyone else I know.
“I’m not going to tell you that it’s going to be okay, because I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I will tell you that after all the tests the doctors did, God
is and will always be the healer of everything, His words are our medicine” he says.
“But I’m tired,” I tell him.
“You know why you’re tired? You’re tired because you’re giving up. You’re tired because as much as you pray, you don’t believe your words. You’re tired because you think you’re being selfish by fighting for this boy and for telling him to not give up.” He pauses and says,“Salamo 27:1.”
I look at him. “I want to hear you recite that verse right now” Grandpa says and I know there is no point to trying to stop myself from crying so I just let the tears fall.
“Psalm 27:1 The Lord is my light and salvation, whom should I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid.”
“Philippians 4:6” he says next.
“Philippians 4:6 Be anxious for nothing, but everything, by prayer and supplication with gratitude, make your requests known to God.” I recite back to him.
“1 Korinito 13:13.” He says again.
“1 Corinthians 13:13 And now these three remains; Faith, Hope, and Love. But the greatest of these is Love.” My grandfather gives me scriptures from the Bible to recite and I understand why he does it.
He knew that I had forgotten about my faith and hope. I may have been praying, but I know now that somewhere down the line I stopped believing my own words. “Do you understand now Sina? You didn’t forget, you just stopped believing” he says. Grandpa looks over to Eli then looks back at me and says,“You keep fighting for him. It doesn’t matter what those papers say, you fight for him.”