But they’re wrong.
There’s a disease called broken heart syndrome. Sometimes when a person is really, really sad or hurt or even happy, their heart can stop working. The blood vessels swell and sometimes even burst.
Most of the time, people don’t die.
Most of the time, people recover from broken heart syndrome and are just fine.
But sometimes …
Sometimes they don’t.
Chapter
51
The days were starting to get away from Red. Between school and homework, looking up impossible things with Celine, and worrying about her mom, almost three weeks had flown by, and Red still hadn’t told her mom about the video.
“My mom’s court date is in four days, Marvin. Four days!” she sighed into the phone.
“You’re seeing her tomorrow, though, right?” Marvin asked. Red heard the clank of dishes in the background.
She flopped onto her bed. Gandalf jumped up onto the foot of it, jostling her. “Yes. But I haven’t asked her if you can come.”
“You don’t really need me. I mean, you could just set up a camera and film it that way.”
“I guess.”
“You totally can. Just come over and get my camera tonight. I’ll show you how to use it.”
Red kicked her heels against the bed. “What if my video’s not good enough? What if the judge doesn’t listen to me? What if I have to stay a foster kid forever?”
There was a particularly loud clatter of plates being stacked on a counter. “What if aliens invade tomorrow?”
She rolled her eyes. “I’m serious!”
“Me too!” He mumbled something to his mom, and the background got quieter, like he’d gone to another room. “Look, Red, I know you want to live with your mom again, and I really think the judge will let you. But if you can’t … well, is that so bad?”
“I can’t stay here, Marvin.”
“Why not?” he asked. “Celine and Jackson totally love you. Plus, if you stayed, then we’d still get to see each other every day. That’s pretty cool, right?”
Marvin didn’t understand. He hadn’t ever been taken away from his family. He couldn’t know what it was like to miss them. Plus, he’d never seen anyone go through cancer before. He didn’t know how scary it was.
Still, she didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
“Yeah,” she said. “That’d be cool.”
He brightened. “Good. See? It’ll be okay. Anyway, I’m sure the judge will love your video. Come get the camera and then film your mom tomorrow. I’ll edit it for you on Sunday night, and you’ll have it on time for court Tuesday.”
She smiled. “Okay. I’ll ask Celine if I can come over.”
Red hung up and hurried downstairs. Her foster mother was sitting in the chair by the library window, wrapped in her favorite sweater and staring out at the darkening sky.
“Can I go to Marvin’s?”
Gandalf pushed past her into the room and nuzzled Celine’s legs. “It’s a little late, hon,” Celine said, scratching the dog’s ears.
Red glanced at the clock. “It’s only six forty-five. Please? It’ll be quick. I just need to pick up Marvin’s camera. And learn how to use it.”
Celine rested her head against the back of the chair. “I don’t want to drive right now, sweetie. I really don’t feel well.”
“I can walk!”
“It’s already dark, Red. I don’t want you walking.”
“Can’t Jackson drive me?” She made her face pouty. “Please? I really need to go.”
Celine sighed. Gandalf whined softly and lifted a paw to Celine’s thigh. “Red…”
Red gave Celine the biggest, saddest, most pleading eyes she could. “Please? It’s really important! It’s for my court video.”
Celine pinched the bridge of her nose. “Jackson’s in the barn. Go ask him to drive you.”
Marvin only had a thousand instructions for her to follow on how to use the camera. Red nodded as he talked, showing her all the buttons and explaining the best way to frame a shot, but she knew she wouldn’t remember it all. By the time she wandered back into the Kapules’ living room to tell Jackson she was ready to go, her head was buzzing.
As they pulled into their driveway again, Jackson ruffled Red’s hair.
“I’m proud of you, kiddo,” he said.
She grinned, swatting his hand away. “Why?”
He put the car into park in front of their house and turned to face her. “For making this video. Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to tell the truth about what you want.”
Red was glad it was too dark for Jackson to see her face. The truth was, she didn’t know what she wanted anymore. Even though her mom kept promising she was okay, Red couldn’t forget that little baggie of pills. But she also couldn’t forget what cancer had done to Gamma. She couldn’t watch that happen to Celine, too.
Gandalf greeted them at the front door with a loud, urgent bark. Jackson frowned when she wouldn’t let him pet her.
“What’s wrong?” he asked the dog.
The other dogs were there, too, equally anxious. Jackson eyed them, then called for Celine. Her voice answered weakly from upstairs. Jackson took the steps two at a time, Red right behind him, her heart thundering.
They found Celine in her bathroom. She was on the floor, her back against the bathtub. Her face was white and gleaming with sweat. Red could smell that she’d been sick.
Celine cringed when Jackson touched her shoulder.
“What happened?” he asked.
She shook her head. “I’m okay.”
He pressed his hand to her face. “You aren’t. You’re burning up.”
Red’s entire body trembled as he took Celine’s pulse. Gamma sleeping on the bathroom floor after chemo. Gamma’s face as white as the side of the bathtub.
“We’re taking you to the ER,” Jackson said.
“I’m fine,” Celine argued feebly.
“You’re not.” He turned to Red. “Call the Kapules. Tell them we’re going to the hospital. Ask Mr. Kapule to take care of the animals. Then meet us in the car.”
Red nodded, too scared to speak. She hurried from the room, dodging the anxious dogs, and did as she was told. Marvin’s mom assured her that Mr. Kapule would be right over.
Celine got sick twice during the car ride. Red leaned forward and held her hair back as she vomited into a bucket Jackson had brought along, just in case. Her skin was hot under Red’s fingers.
They didn’t have to wait long when they got to the hospital. The minute Jackson told the nurse about Celine’s cancer and how sick she was, they rushed her through the double doors to somewhere Red didn’t want to follow. Instead, she stayed in the waiting area even when the nurse came to escort Jackson to wherever Celine was a while later. Red didn’t want to go. She couldn’t. She couldn’t see Celine hooked up to machines. She couldn’t listen to the sharp bleep of another heart monitor, knowing that each chirp might be counting down to a last, long wail.
Chapter
52
By the time Jackson and Red pulled into the driveway again many hours later, the eastern horizon was the deep burning crimson of near-dawn.
Jackson turned off the car and dragged a hand across his face. “Thank you.” His voice was as dry as sand.
Red’s eyes ached with exhaustion, and she could barely keep them open. “What for?”
He squeezed her knee gently. “I’m so glad you were with me tonight.” His dark eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep. “I know it was scary, but you were really brave.”
She looked away.
Inside, Gandalf and the other dogs wuffed and pressed their noses into Jackson’s legs and licked Red’s arms. Red jumped when Mr. Kapule stood up in the dark living room. She hadn’t seen him sleeping in Jackson’s recliner.
“Kai,” Jackson said. “Thank you.”
“How is she?” Mr. Kapule asked.
“Stable. Resting. It’s
an infection, so she’s on major antibiotics. They’ll run more tests tomorrow.”
Mr. Kapule and Jackson hugged in that back-slapping way men sometimes did, and Mr. Kapule squeezed Red’s shoulder before he left.
Red’s dreams were chaotic and tense. When she woke, Mrs. Kapule was in the kitchen, making something that smelled both sweet and spicy.
“Good morning, Red.” Mrs. Kapule gave her a hug and kissed the top of her head. “How are you feeling?”
Red looked around, confused. “What time is it? Where’s Jackson? Is Celine okay?”
Mrs. Kapule shushed her. “Celine is okay. Don’t worry. Jackson is with her at the hospital.”
“What time is it?” Red asked again. She sank her fingers into the soft fur of Gandalf’s ears. The other dogs were barking and chasing one another in the backyard.
“It’s almost three.”
“But my mom! I was supposed to see her.”
Mrs. Kapule looked apologetic. “Jackson had Ms. Anders cancel. I’m sorry, Red. He thought you might be too tired today.”
Red rubbed her eyes, the initial panic draining away. She really was tired.
“I just got off the phone with Marvin. His grandfather is bringing him over soon.” Mrs. Kapule gently guided Red toward the table and pulled out a chair for her. “Do you want breakfast? Or something more like lunch?”
“Can I have oatmeal?”
Mrs. Kapule smiled. “Of course you can.”
An hour later, Red and Marvin were in the barn, visiting Tuck. All around them, bits of straw rustled and skittered across the barn floor. Red’s wind had been stirring ever since she woke up, and no matter what she did, it wouldn’t quit. She’d hoped being with Tuck would help. The tortoise usually made her feel steady again. But so far, no luck.
Marvin hopped off the stack of hay bales and offered Tuck a limp piece of lettuce. “So … do you still want to finish the video?”
Tears flooded Red’s eyes. Sighing, she dropped her head back against Tuck’s shell. “I don’t think there’s time,” she confessed. “My visit with Mom today was canceled. The hearing is in three days.”
Marvin shook his head. “We could change the ending. Instead of filming you giving the notebook to your mom, we could just film the notebook. Keep it simple. And you can talk about what you want.”
A shaft of golden light angled into the barn through one of the high windows, bathing the beams of the ceiling in warm color behind Marvin’s head. His brow was furrowed and he gazed at her with serious eyes. Even his dimples were gone.
“I don’t know.” Red’s head ached and worry still knotted in her stomach. “The whole thing just seems dumb now.”
“No way,” he said. “It’s a good video, Red. Really good. Even if the end is different than how you pictured it, I think the judge will really like it.”
She sighed. “Everything feels impossible.” Tears of exhaustion burned her eyes.
Marvin set a hand on her shoulder. “It always seems impossible,” he said.
He nudged her gently until she gave him a small smile and said, “Until it’s done.”
When they went back into the house a few hours later, Jackson was home and sitting at the kitchen table with Mrs. Kapule and Mr. Makani, Marvin’s grandfather.
“There’s my girl,” Jackson said. He held out an arm and Red stepped into it, wrapping her own arm around his neck in a hug. “What are you two up to out there?”
“Just finishing a project,” Marvin answered. He took a handful of popcorn from the bowl on the table.
“How’s Celine?” Red asked.
Jackson’s head bobbed in a slow nod. “Better. She’s on IV antibiotics, and she’s still tired. But the fever is gone. She misses you.” He gave her another little squeeze.
“Will this be a setback? For her surgery?” Mrs. Kapule asked.
“I’m supposed to update her doctor in Texas tomorrow, but I’m guessing her surgery will be delayed.”
Marvin’s grandfather took a sip from his mug of tea. “Will she need chemo?”
“During surgery, they’ll remove any organs they can that the cancer has touched. Then they’ll do a chemo wash, which is basically what it sounds like. They rinse the inside of her entire abdomen and all her remaining organs with a liquid chemo. She only gets that one dose of chemo, which is good. It’s different than other cancer treatments that way. But it’s a major surgery, and the recovery is long and hard.”
As Jackson spoke, Red lowered herself into a chair. Limerick, Frodo, and Brontë sniffed her shoes under the table, and Gandalf stuck her enormous head in Red’s lap. She barely noticed. The idea of Celine’s insides being removed or washed down with chemo—which Gamma always called poison—made her stomach turn.
Mrs. Kapule wiped her eyes, and Mr. Makani reached over and took her hand.
“This is all so unbelievable,” she said.
Jackson nodded. “I’m still reeling. Cee is handling it all so well, but…” His voice broke and he shook his head.
The urge to run rose up in Red.
Jackson cleared his throat and rubbed his eyes. “They said she’ll probably have all the same side effects of common chemotherapy. Hair loss, nausea. All that.”
Red bit her lip so hard she tasted blood. Sweat trickled between her shoulder blades and down her back, and her heart started hammering against her ribs.
Gamma crying as her hair fell out in chunks. The endless days of nausea, and the way her eyes sank deeper into her head. Her papery skin covered in an angry rash.
“Red?”
Jackson’s voice startled her. She opened her eyes and realized they were all staring at her.
“Are you okay, kiddo?”
She shook her head, then nodded. The chair squealed when she stood up, making the dogs jump. “I’m going for a walk,” she said.
Jackson frowned. “Want company?”
“No. No, I’m okay.”
She turned from their concerned faces and headed for the door, Gandalf at her heels.
Chapter
53
Darkness had fallen in earnest, and Red was glad she still had a small flashlight in her coat pocket for barn chores. When she dug it out, something crinkled against her fingers. She pulled out a crumpled envelope. Shining the light on it as she walked, she saw her mother’s name and address. It was the envelope that had blown into her face when she was in Wanda’s car a few weeks ago. She didn’t even remember putting it in her pocket.
Gandalf trotted along beside her. The farther they got from the house, the slower Red’s heart beat. Cold air made her lungs ache, but at least she could breathe again.
Her feet took her to the stargazing rock without her even thinking about it. She stretched out across the rock’s smooth face under the black velvet sky. With her head on Gandalf’s warm flank, Red stared up at the heavens. The stars were so bright, they looked alive. Icy-blue, canary-yellow, even pinkish stars glinted down at her. She closed her eyes and listened for their music.
But all she heard was the wind rustling the grass.
It was Celine who made the stars sing, not Red.
She wanted everything to go back to the way it was that first night she and Celine had come to the stargazing rock. She wanted star-music and the smell of snow and the comfort of Celine’s warm, steady presence next to her. She wanted the cancer in Celine’s belly to disappear without leaving any scars.
“It’s not fair,” she whispered.
The stars didn’t respond.
“It’s not fair!” she said more loudly.
Still, the stars said nothing.
“You were supposed to take care of her!” Her voice rose, stretched thin. “You’re supposed to protect her!”
Gandalf lifted her head. The tears were back, sliding down the sides of Red’s face. A sob built in her chest, breaking out of her in a strangled gasp.
“She needs you!” she cried. “She needs you!”
Overhead, a single star tre
mbled, then broke free from the dark. Red watched it fall in a long, smooth arc.
She imagined reaching out and plucking it like a jewel from the sky, carrying it to Celine. It would sing, and Red would dance, and together they’d make the cancer vanish.
As her eyes adjusted, she saw that dark, empty scar across the sky again. It was strange, but she felt like she understood those starless spots. Like they were made by something familiar, something that swirled through her own heart.
The sky-scar curved over Pleiades, Celine’s favorite constellation. The Seven Sisters of Pleiades winked down at her like old friends.
Red sat up. She couldn’t look at it anymore—the silent sky with its shadow of sadness. She needed someone to tell her it was going to be okay.
She needed a mother.
Jackson was alone in the kitchen when she got inside. He was in a clean shirt and smelled like he’d taken a shower. The fresh spice of his soap tickled her nose when he offered her a cup of hot chocolate.
“Have a good walk?” he asked.
She nodded and blew into her mug. “Is it okay for me to call my mom?”
He glanced at the clock on the stove. “It’s almost nine.”
“I just want to talk to her. I miss her.”
His smile was wistful. “I can understand that. Sure, kiddo. You can go into the library if you want.”
She gave him an appreciative smile. Taking her cocoa and the cordless phone, she went into Celine’s library and settled on the chair by the window.
Wanda picked up after the first ring. Her hello was high and singsongy.
“Mom?”
Her mother laughed a weird, delirious laugh. “Red!” She laughed again.
Every last pebble of hope in Red’s heart tumbled away in a landslide. “Are you okay?”
“Me? I’m great, baby. I’m greaaat.” She stretched out the second great like taffy.
Ice sliced through Red’s veins.
“Why do you sound weird?” Red asked. Please, no. Not again. Not now!
“Weird? I don’t sound weird!” Her mom giggled. “You kinda do, though. Hey, what time is it? You should be in bed, young lady!”
Hot, angry tears spilled down Red’s cheeks, dripping off her chin. No no no no no. How could she do this? She’d promised!
All the Impossible Things Page 19