by Hargrove, A.
But… and there’s always a but, isn’t there? I never knew how cruel the world is. Unfortunately, I do now. This world has changed me into something horrifically ugly. My heart is filled with a blackness so dark my blood is no longer red. My pores seep darkness and it fills me to the brim. It wasn’t just the addiction that ruined me. It was everything else they did to me. The drugs were the icing on the cake.
Therapy is difficult. Group sessions were humiliating at first, but they are getting better. My therapist is great, but no one can take the pain away. Darkness fills my mind as my soul weeps for the days when we were just two people, living a normal life.
That simply isn’t possible for me any longer. There is no normal in my bleak existence. Yes, I will get to the point where functionality in the real world is possible. But I will always carry this darkness within me.
The days are long, but the nights are seemingly endless. The thought of any other human even so much as touching my shoulder is still unbearable.
This is why you and I will never be. You are pure, untainted, perfect. Your soul has been untouched by this hell and I can’t have it tainted by me. You need to find someone like yourself, who is deserving of your uncorrupted heart. I’m not that person anymore. Believe me, I truly wish I was.
This was never something I wanted and wouldn’t wish it on anyone. What I do want above all is your happiness. A way for you to find that is to forget about me and move on. Please promise me you’ll do that.
Isla, know that I loved you with everything in my heart and wish things could’ve turned out differently for us.
Yours,
Acer
I wept for the pain he was in, for the anguish he lived, and for the man I lost. But I also wept because I didn’t believe any of it and I had to find a way to make him believe in himself again too. Writing him back wasn’t an option. I’d have to form a plan because I wasn’t going to let him off the hook this easy. I’d work to get him back if it took the rest of my damn life.
Chapter Thirty-Six
ISLA
After I guzzled the rest of my beer, I grabbed the phone and made a call.
“Isla. We were just talking about you.”
“I hope it was good.”
“It always is. How are you?”
“I need to talk.”
“Wanna come over?”
“Heck, why not.”
“Have you eaten yet?”
“No, I just got home from work.”
“Come on then. We’ll throw something on the grill.”
“Can I bring Ruffles?”
“You don’t even have to ask.”
I put the dog in the car and off we went.
Reynolds and Brax didn’t live too far from me so when I arrived, she ran out to greet me.
“Oh, my God. I missed you. I’m so sorry about the baby. Brax’s brothers told us.”
“Thank you. It was really hard, but I’m okay. Gah, I’ve missed you too. I have so much to tell you.” I started to tear up, but swallowed them back. I still mourned the loss of my baby, but tried not to think of it too much.
Ruffles wagged her tail as Reynolds patted her head and then hugged me.
“Brax has started dinner, bless him.”
We both giggled. That man loved an excuse to cook.
“He’s showing off already?”
“Yep. He’s cooking pork tenderloins with asparagus and a salad.”
“Nice. I’m jealous. I usually eat a turkey sandwich for dinner.”
“I love turkey sandwiches. Brax will eat almost two tenderloins by himself.”
“I’ve noticed that about those Kent men. They can pack it away and not gain a pound.”
Reynolds growled. “Tell me about it. I have to live with it. So what’s going on?”
We were in the kitchen by now and she grabbed a bottle of wine.
“Is this okay?”
“Yeah, but only one glass. I’m driving.”
She poured and while she was doing it, I reached into my purse and pulled out Acer’s letter. When she was finished, I handed it to her.
“From Acer?”
“Yep.”
“You want me to read it?”
“I sure do.”
And she did. When she was done, she said, “Wow. I knew you said he was messed up but this is bad. Are you okay? I mean, well, you know.”
“Yeah and sort of. He has a long way to go.”
Brax walked in then and greeted me. Reynolds asked, “Do you mind if he reads this?”
“I want him to.”
She handed him the letter and he read it.
“Shit, Isla. Our Little Guy is in trouble. Bad trouble. But what about you? How are you handling everything?”
“It’s been… well the truth is it’s killing me.”
Reynolds hugged me.
“Hang in there. He’s going to get better,” Brax said in an attempt to reassure me. “He adores you and when he’s in a better place, things will change.”
“I hope so, but I need a plan because I’ll be damned if I’m giving up on him or us.”
Brax grinned. “I, for one, like the sound of that. What do you have in mind?”
“Nothing. That’s why I’m here. I need help. He doesn’t want to see me as the letter stated.”
“Let me go check on the pork and you two come up with something.”
Brax left and Reynolds said, “Figures. He doesn’t want to get involved.”
“Why do you say that?”
“You didn’t notice his exit?”
“Seemed reasonable. Who likes burnt pork?”
“True.” She tapped her chin. “Maybe I should go see Acer.”
“Not yet. He needs more time. Besides, if you go running down there, he’ll know I put you up to it.”
“Right. Too obvious.”
Brax came in with the cooked pork and asparagus. He pulled out the salad, which was already fixed and in no time, we sat down to eat. The meal was scrumptious.
“This is delicious. Thanks for cooking.”
He beamed. “You’re welcome. I love it.”
Reynolds nodded. “And I’m thankful. I don’t have to worry about it when he’s around.”
Brax pointed his fork toward me. “You know, I may have an idea.”
“What’s that?”
“What about getting Cruze and Raiden involved? And by that, I mean having them offer Acer a job.”
My eyes widened. “Oh, my God. That’s brilliant.”
“Well, I thought it was pretty good—”
“No, you don’t understand. Cruze and Raiden are giving some of their business to Wolfe Investigations. Wolfe has offered me a job. A very lucrative one, I might add, and I was seriously thinking about taking it.”
They both smiled. “I see where this is going,” Reynolds said.
“Exactly. Acer would have no idea I was there. Enough time would’ve passed and we could cross paths accidentally. Or not.”
“Ooh, I really love the sound of that,” Reynolds said.
I did too, actually. It would be so awesome to be at work and have him come in to find me busy at my desk or in the conference room, or whatever. Yes, he’d be shocked, but it could present so many possibilities. My body ached for his touch, but right now I needed to switch gears.
“Do you think your brothers would be on board with this, Brax?” I asked.
“We won’t know unless we ask. They’re always hiring and in this situation, I don’t see why they wouldn’t want to help the Little Guy out.”
I cleared my throat. “Can I just clarify something? Acer is in no way a Little Guy.”
At first, Brax’s eyes widened, then he threw his head back and the room thundered with his laughter. Reynolds looked at me and I only shrugged. It was the truth. He was epically proportioned in the nether region and almost as tall as his brother. No little guy in my book, whatsoever.
Brax finally said, “Isla, if you could’ve seen him whe
n he was five or six, and how he ran around the house like his ass was on fire, and he was so small for his age, you’d call him the Little Guy too.”
“Not in a million years.”
“Fine, but don’t expect Cruze, Raiden, or myself to follow your lead.” He smirked and I chuckled.
“No worries as long as you know the truth.”
Reynolds jumped into the conversation and said, “Okay you two, so what’s next. Isla? When would you leave?”
“Good question. I have to close out a case so I don’t leave Art hanging. And then after that, I suppose.”
“I have an idea. Let’s call the brothers. See what they say.” Brax made the suggestion.
“You make the call and I’ll clean up.” I stood and gathered the plates and salad bowls. Cleanup was fast and easy. When everything was in the dishwasher, I went back to the dining room, where Brax gave me the thumbs-up. Then he said, “She’s back.”
“Isla, it’s Raiden. I told Brax I’d only take Acer if you’re here too.”
“Oh, so this is a double-decker deal.”
“Damn straight,” Cruze said. “We know Acer and if you’re here, he’ll work his ass off.”
“Um, Brax, did you explain about the letter?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Raiden said. “And Acer is full of shit. He’s just going through a bumpy time right now. He’ll change his mind. One look at you and bam. He’ll be the same old Acer.”
“Er, I don’t know about that.”
“Don’t worry. We’ll make him jealous. Act like we’re hitting on you and stuff. That’ll knock some sense back into him.”
“Wait, I don’t want him to get hurt.”
“He won’t. He’s our brother and we’d never hurt him. But we’ll bait him. You can bet on that. If he’s stupid enough to tell you that shit, he deserves it,” Raiden said.
“So when are you coming out here?” Cruze asked.
I gave them the information. “Good. We’ll help you with anything you need. Just let us know.”
“Thanks, guys. I totally appreciate you.”
It was getting late so I said my goodbyes and went home. Ruffles needed another walk, and afterward she hopped into bed. My phone rang right as I finished brushing my teeth.
“Isla.”
“Hey, Art.”
“Sorry it took so long. Family stuff.”
“It’s fine.”
“I have the name.”
“Yeah?” I was a bit surprised.
“We are in deep shit.”
“What do you mean?”
“This goes all the way up to Quantico.”
“Fuck.” My heart thundered.
“You can say that again. Watch your back and the less you know, the safer you’ll be. How trustworthy is your friend?”
“You mean Drex?”
“Yeah.”
“Very. I wouldn’t be considering going to work for him if he wasn’t.”
“I need to send him some stuff. What’s his address?”
“Hang tight a sec.” I found it and rattled it off.
“Thanks. I’ll see you bright and early.”
Only that never happened. Art never made it in. He was in an accident on the way to work. Someone t-boned him and left the scene. Art didn’t survive. This was no accident. Someone had him taken out. Now what should I do? With him gone, I had nowhere to turn.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
ACER
Isla must’ve received the letter by now and I hadn’t heard back. In some ways it was comforting but in others I was oddly disappointed. Yes, I wanted her to focus on her own life and move on. The reality was, I was still madly in love with her and forgetting her was not going to be easy.
“Hey man, what’s going on? You’re a million miles away.” Will poked my arm.
“I was just lamenting over my former life. I wrote that letter to Isla and now I’m not so sure it was the best idea.”
“Why do you say that?”
I rubbed the scruff on my jaw. “Because she was the best thing that ever walked into my life and I told her to move on and find someone who was more deserving.”
“Why’d you do that?”
“Look at me, man. I’m a fucking mess.”
“No, you’re not. When I look at you, I see a guy who’s searching for a way to be his old self again. You wear a bit of a lost look, but I’ve been where you are. You’ll get there.”
“I’m tired of hearing that.” It was the most frustrating thing. “I can barely get through the night without going crazy for those fucking opiates.”
“Do you know who you’re talking to? Been there, and I’m still there sometimes. Why do you think I’m still here? If I had moved beyond that, I would be home right now. But guess what? I know there’s a better life outside of here and I’m striving to move toward that. I believe in myself and you should too.”
“I don’t know how. I feel so far behind.”
“You need to put things into perspective. You’ll get your life back but you have to find patience. Look how far you’ve already come.”
I growled in response. “Any idea where I can find some of that? I’m completely out.”
“Meditation. And don’t laugh. Keep up with it every day. Go twice a day if you have to but it helps more than I can say. You’ve only been here a couple of months. That’s really impressive. I wish I would’ve done as well as you.”
That was laughable. I’d put myself in the failure category.
“Don’t give me that pitiful look. And telling your girl to move on wasn’t the brightest idea. If I were you, I’d write her back and tell her I was wrong.”
“Yeah, well, you aren’t me and you don’t know her. She’s way out of my league now.”
“Don’t be such a dumbass. Have you discussed this with Caroline?”
“Not yet. I’m on my way there now.”
“Good. I hope she gives you a giant kick in the balls.”
“Christ, you’re nice.”
“No, just trying to open your eyes. I gotta go to my appointment myself. See you at group.”
Guess he told me. Maybe I was expecting too much too fast, but I was so over this already. I arrived at Caroline’s office and she waved me inside. I sat down and slouched in the chair.
“I see pouty Acer is here today.” She grimaced.
“Don’t look so happy to see me.”
“I could say the same to you. What crawled up your butt and put you in this sour mood?”
After thoroughly explaining about the letter, she only sat and stared at me.
“What? No advice?”
“Is that what you want?”
“What I want is to get better. I’m over this and—”
“You are nowhere near over this, Acer. You have made excellent progress, but you still have some giant steps to take or you wouldn’t be sulking in that chair right now.”
“I’m not sulking.”
“Okay, then you’re feeling sorry for yourself. Until you drop that attitude, you won’t move forward. We’ve been through this countless times. No, it’s not fair you’re dealing with this. It wasn’t your choice. But you know something? People have unfair things thrown at them all the time. What about those young kids who get cancer? Have you ever thought of that?”
“I, uh, no.”
“Stop spending so much time thinking about yourself. Egocentricity won’t help you. What will help is letting those selfish thoughts go and stepping forward. Put it behind you.”
“Selfish?”
“Yes. You have to stop thinking about, ‘why you?’ It happened. End of story. Now it’s time to fix what’s broken. The tornado blew through your life and twisted you to pieces. Let’s glue you back together.”
“I don’t think—”
“Those thoughts will ruin you. Get your head in the right place, Acer.” She clapped her hands so loud I jerked in my seat. “I’m happy to see that got your attention. Now I want to challenge you to do so
mething.”
“What’s that?”
“For one day, I want only positive thoughts coming from you.” She handed me one of those thick rubber bands.
“What’s this for?”
“Put that on your wrist. Every time you begin to have a negative thought about your progress or dive into that why me crap, snap it. And I don’t mean softly. I want you to hurt yourself with it so it leaves a red mark.”
It sounded ridiculous to me.
“It’s negative programming. Keep count of how many times you snap your wrist today. Then do it again the next day, and the next. After a while, you should start seeing a decrease. I also want to start you on an antidepressant.”
My hand flew out. “Absolutely not. No pills. I won’t take a pill to get off of a pill.”
“Would you please allow me the chance to explain?”
I reluctantly nodded. She was very persuasive when she wanted to be.
“Antidepressants work on the chemicals in your brain and are in no way addictive. Your neurotransmitters are completely out of whack right now. With an antidepressant, we can rectify that, and when you’re back to normal, we’ll take you off.”
“I don’t know.”
“Think about it. Your psychiatrist talked to me about it and I said I’d mention it to you. Now is a good time to start. We start slow and increase your dose slowly. The difference can be amazing.”
“Aha! The operative word is can. There are no guarantees.”
She leaned back and tapped her pen on the desk. “You tell me where there are guarantees and I’ll hand you the moon.”
“Okay. Let me think about it.”
“Keep on with your meditation and I’ll see you tomorrow. Don’t forget to keep track of your snaps.” She handed me a sticky notepad and a pen.
I left knowing this would never work. Damn, that was a negative thought so I snapped the band. It hurt because it was on the sensitive part of my wrist. It also made me grin because it reminded me of the rubber band fights my brothers and I used to have. Mom would find rubber bands everywhere in the house and she’d be so angry. I actually laughed at the memory.
James walked up then and said, “It’s good to see you doing that. What made you laugh?”