orange splattering, that he called his colleagues and gave the emergency ‘Orange Alert!!’. This alerts all local milk-men to the fact that Lady Orange is on the attack and that anti-orange weapons can be deployed.
On the other side of Bottomhamsted, the spy helicopter had spotted another milk-float. Lady Orange drove over towards her next victim as fast as possible, always worried in case the sun would start to rise and expose her secret double life to the good people of Bottomhamsted. She lined up the second victim in the cross hairs, but was alarmed to see an enormous milk-cannon attached to the top of this milk-float pointing straight at her! In a panic and without properly aiming, she immediately fired the orange bazooka in the general direction of the milk-float. The milk-man also fired his milk-cannon at Lady Orange’s car, causing an almighty splattering of both vehicles and the surrounding houses. For around 20 seconds, there was the huge noise of oranges being blasted from the bazooka, and the sound of gallons of milk gushing out of the milk-cannon. The whole area was a total mess of orange and milk, and some of the neighbours had started to wake up to see what all the commotion was about. Although the milk-float was properly engulfed with oranges, the milk-cannon was so powerful that Lady Orange’s lightweight car had been blasted backwards and out of the street!
Then the sun started to come up and Lady Orange looked horrified. She was always very worried in case the residents of Bottomhamsted should discover that she was not always generous and kind, so made the decision to bring out the Secret Coconutter.
Secret Coconutter:
A mad type of hoovering coconut, which can only be used in emergencies or when faced with a huge mess. Developed in Lady Orange’s secret underground greenhouse.
Lady Orange grabbed the Coconutter from the back shelf of the car and threw it as hard as she could down the street towards the mess.
“BLIMEY!!” shouted David, as the Coconutter sliced through the air towards its target.
The milk-man feared for his life as he assumed the Coconutter was some kind of grenade, so dived up an alleyway. The Coconutter landed with a thud, rolled under the splattered milk-float and exploded into a frenzy of hoovering. Everybody watched in amazement as the Coconutter frantically hoovered up all the mess, and in a flash, the entire street looked like new. Even the smashed milk bottles had been miraculously repaired, although they were now empty. The Coconutter then rolled silently back towards Lady Orange and jumped straight into her pocket.
Lady Orange decided it was probably time to make a tactical retreat, as the sun was now coming up and the neighbours were waking.
On the way back, David noticed that Lady Orange was not entirely happy with the outcome of the dawn raid as her micro-car had been damaged. He mentioned the Bottomhamsted Main Event, which would shortly take place and she looked happy again. They arrived back in Possum Road and removed the Bazooka from the car as quickly as possible, before any nosey neighbours noticed. David thanked Lady Orange for the great adventure and headed off towards school.
THE GHOST OF MAX POTATO
Owns the world’s most haunted staircase
David walked slowly across the playground, still feeling a little tired after the early morning adventure with Lady Orange, when he suddenly noticed a careless boy slip on a discarded banana skin and fall flat on his face. Then immediately, a passing bully shouted
“PILE ON!!”
This was the signal to other school bullies that a boy was on the ground and that there was an opportunity for a mass pile up.
A Pile Up:
A number of bullies lying on top of an unfortunate boy who has fallen over. The aim of the Pile Up is to give the fallen boy a proper squashing.
Before the careless boy could get back on his feet, the bullies started piling on top of him and giving him a good squashing. David noticed that the careless boy was getting distressed by the increasing compression, so decided to take action. He rummaged around in his pocket for something, which might help in this situation but all he could find was an old stink bomb. He threw the stink bomb as hard as he could into the pile up where it was instantly crushed. The resulting stink caused all the bullies to jump off the unfortunate boy as fast as possible and retreat back to their hiding places. The crushed boy scrambled slowly back onto his feet and David watched in amazement as the flattened boy gradually expanded back into the right shape. As a thank-you, the boy gave David a flat cheese sandwich which David ate immediately as he was very hungry.
Feeling pleased with his good deed, David went off to class where he found Mrs Wigglit looking slightly sad. She checked that everybody in the class was paying attention and then started to tell the eerie story of her missing neighbour.
“There used to be a bedraggled peasant living in the street called Maximilian Potato. Although he owned a very expensive car, he could often be seen begging in the street for petrol money. His usual daily transport was a rusty bicycle with a bent frame, which he wobbled around the village on. One day, the very expensive car disappeared and so did Maximilian.
There was a rumor that he had taken an extended holiday on Potato Island, home of his great uncle King Edward the Spud Head. His house has since become a flea infested hovel which remains empty today, but sightings of ghostly bedraggled peasant figures have been reported by passing nosey neighbours”.
David was fascinated by the mystery of the missing peasant, particularly as there had been ghostly sightings in Max’s house since his sudden disappearance. He decided that Max would be the perfect neighbour to meet next.
David could see the haunted house from his bedroom window and had already noticed it was covered in spider’s webs, and that vampire bats swarmed around it during the evening. He had also spotted vultures circling over the house during the day. Only a couple of days ago, David noticed a headless horseman looking back at him through an upstairs window. This was surprising, as headless horsemen normally have no eyes, or indeed heads. Despite these scary events, David skipped merrily over to Max Potato’s house, full of optimism and joy. Although it was the middle of the afternoon and the weather was extremely pleasant, as David arrived at the rat-infested porch and reached out to knock on the rotting front door, the skies darkened and it was suddenly night time! Not only was it the middle of the night, but it was also foggy and there was a terrible thunder storm. This was quite startling, so David took a step backwards and was instantly back in beautiful sunshine.
“Odd” mumbled David as he stepped forward into the dark fog again and rang the doorbell.
The bell did not seem to make a sound, but he could definitely hear an out-of-tune organ playing somewhere in the distance and perhaps even some manic laughter. Then with a spooky creaking sound, the door slowly swung open by itself. The open door revealed a dusty and dingy room with furniture covered in ghostly white sheets. Some spiders scuttled away, some bats swooped around and there was another tremendous thunder clap. David, still full of Joy and optimism entered the house making the floorboards creak.
“Max Potato, are you in?” shouted David.
There was only silence apart from a woooooooooing sound coming from upstairs. David walked along the hallway and looked around. There was a small door to the right, which appeared to be a cupboard. Suddenly, from behind this door came the sound of a toilet flushing. David decided this must be the downstairs toilet and not a cupboard.
“Max, are you in the loo?” he enquired, but there was no answer.
Then with some creaking and grinding noises, the toilet door slowly opened. The toilet was empty.
“Odd” thought David.
As the woooooooooing sound was still going on in the background, David concluded that Max must be upstairs playing some kind of wind instrument. He started to climb the creaky and rickety staircase, hoping to finally introduce himself. This staircase actually held the record for being the most haunted staircase in the world, so naturally there were some unexpected and extra scary obstacles, which had to be overcome. Whilst climbing up
the scary stairs, David had to tread on some long lost gravestones, which had somehow found their way onto the steps. Each step was a different gravestone, representing a deceased Bottomhamsted resident. Despite this unexpected inconvenience, he soon reached the top of the stairs, only to be faced with what appeared to be a grand piano, which was completely blocking the way.
Grand Piano:
A posh instrument for playing classical music. For fans of Heavy Metal, there is the Grind Piano. For Goths, there is the Grim Piano.
David pondered how he would ever get past this large obstacle so decided to try and push it out of the way. To his amazement, he fell straight through the piano and flat onto his face. It turned out that this wasn’t a real live piano but was just the ghost of a deceased piano, which he could simply have walked through. Now that David was finally on the landing, which was considerably colder than downstairs, he could make out a green glowing shape lurking in the darkness. David assumed this must be Max Potato.
“Good afternoon, my name is David and I am your new neighbour” exclaimed the fearless David.
“Welcome to my haunted hovel” said Max the dead peasant.
David could now clearly see the bedraggled, slightly transparent ghost of a peasant glowing brightly green. Although this was obviously
The Nutty Neighbours of Possum Road Page 5