Bottomhamsted settlers, who had suffered from the much feared extreme flatulence condition. Despite continuously yawning, Roy tried to explain that the ‘wind’ condition is hereditary and that he keeps all his house windows open and drives a convertible car as precaution against explosions.
Convertible car:
A car with a removable roof, allowing ugly people to see your beautiful face. If you drive too fast, your beautiful face will be covered in sludge and grit.
Roy was very keen to demonstrate how much fresh air was available in his car so suggested he take David for a quick spin!
David was more than a little nervous about accepting another ride in one of his neighbors’ vehicles as this always seemed to result in some kind of accident, but decided that yawning Roy was probably a slow and safe driver. They jumped in the convertible sports car, put the roof down and cruised slowly and safely out of Possum Road. After spending some time enjoying a safe and pleasant drive around the village, they had the extreme misfortune of driving past a large pack of hysterical ‘Fluffy Females’ who were on a hunt for autographs.
Fluffy Females:
Non-serious females who only wear pink items. All other colours are considered to be for males or serious ladies.
When Fluffy Females locate Roy, there can be serious consequences. In the past, Roy has suffered from temporary deafness caused by unbearable shrieking and hysterical screaming down his ear-hole. He has also been in hospital with broken ribs when he was once overwhelmed by an extra large and heavy pink stampede.
As soon as the Fluffy Females heard Roy’s famous yawning, they immediately started screaming and charged straight towards the car. Sadly, Roy and David were stuck in a traffic queue and found there was no escape from the approaching pink hoard. They tried desperately to find a way of getting past the queue of cars but it was no use, they were completely stuck. It seemed that they had no choice other than to risk putting the car’s roof back up and hope for the best.
“BLIMEY, are you sure that’s a good idea?” shouted David, fearing this might result in a gas fire.
But Roy was now starting to panic so he quickly put the roof up and closed the windows without thinking.
They both waited nervously inside the car, and could hear the screaming getting louder as the stampede descended on them. The car was shaken from side to side as the Fluffy Females tried to force the doors open. Luckily, the door locks had already been strengthened following a similar incident last year, so they weren’t able to force their way in.
The frustrated ladies then climbed onto the car’s roof and started bouncing up and down, causing much damage and disturbance. Something then happened which David had been afraid of.
All this great excitement triggered an episode of Roy’s much feared hereditary condition, and a cloud of explosive gas started to build up inside the car! David and Roy held their breath, and prayed there would be no sparks, which might cause an explosion.
The fluffy females became even more frustrated about not getting Roy’s autograph, so they picked up the car carried it off down the street. They were planning to take the car to a local building-site where they might find some tools to force Roy’s door open with!
Then finally Roy’s luck changed. The ghost of Max Potato was coincidentally charging around the streets in his badly damaged ghost-car hoping to cause some mischief, when he noticed David and Roy being carried away in their car. Max swiftly produced a large number of haunted feather dusters and started swishing them around the hyper-ticklish ladies. Fluffy Females are considerably more ticklish than average, so they started giggling uncontrollably and dropped Roy’s car back onto the road. This at first seemed like an excellent result, but the impact of the car crashing to the ground created a shower of sparks which ignited the methane.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOM
A small but harmless explosion followed which blew the car’s roof off, leaving Roy completely exposed to the fanatical ladies!
Then an incredible thing happened. The shock of the explosion actually caused Roy to stop yawning for the first time in his life. The pink screaming ladies were so horrified by the sudden end of the yawning, that they actually stopped screaming. They then turned around and walked slowly away from Roy’s car, looking sad and slightly less pink. David could not believe what had just happened but it turns out that the ladies were only interested in Roy’s fantastic yawning. When he stopped, they just lost interest and immediately went hunting for other musical sensations.
“Thanks Max!!” yelled Roy, enjoying his new yawn-free voice. Then Roy looked at his car and saw the damage, which had been caused by the ladies and the explosion. Before Roy became too upset, David started talking about the Main Event at the Village Fair, and Roy looked much happier again. Despite the explosion, Roy managed to get the car started and was still able to drive it. On the way back to Possum Road, David decided he still wanted to meet the rest of his new neighbours, but definitely would not be accepting any more rides in their dangerous cars.
DOG MAD JESS
Most dogs squeezed into a car.
Standing in the playground the next morning, David was stunning his new school friends with stories of endless yawns and exploding cars. As nobody believed David’s unlikely stories, he suggested they come to the Bottomhamsted Main Event to see all the nutty neighbours in action.
It had been raining heavily that morning, so most people had brought umbrellas with dangerous looking pointy bits. Now that the rain had stopped and the umbrellas were down, it appeared that everybody in the playground was brandishing a weapon. Within a few moments a very large boy shouted “Brolly Battle” and the whole playground erupted into one mass brolly fight. David watched as all the boys in the school started chasing each other around and waving their umbrellas in the air. This was the first brolly fight that David had seen and it took him a few minutes to work out the rules. It seemed the aim was to find somebody who was smaller than yourself and smash your umbrella over his head. David soon found a smaller boy and whacked him over the head, destroying his umbrella in the process. After only a few minutes the fight was over as all the umbrellas in the school were destroyed. David later discovered that the inventor of this great game was the large boy who had shouted “Brolly Battle” and that his family also owned the Bottomhamsted Umbrella Shop.
Back in class, Mrs Wigglit announced the subject of the day which was ‘Jess the dog maniac’, who she started to describe.
“Jess is Possum Road’s resident hound enthusiast, who is famous for the number of dogs she can fit into one car. I once tried to count the number of dogs in her car, but not being a maths teacher, I gave up after becoming overwhelmed by sheer mathematical calculations. It should come as no surprise that Jess actually holds the world record for how many dogs can be squeezed into one car. Incredibly, fifty medium sized dogs managed to fit comfortably in her medium sized hatchback. Many people doubt her ability to achieve this, so she now always travels everywhere with fifty dogs on board. This clearly displays her great space saving skills to any non believers and suspicious types”.
David had often heard a tremendous barking sound coming from the other side of the street, and now he knew that the terrible noise came from ‘Dog Mad Jess’. After hearing the stories about their clever tricks and their ability to defy the laws of physics from Mrs Wigglit, he decided he must introduce himself to Jess and her incredible dogs as soon as possible.
Law of physics: (or fizzics).
When lemonade if shaken up, it gets very fizzy. This demonstrates the law of fizzics.
That very same day he dashed stridently over towards the dog house. Jess’ house looked very similar to the other small houses in the street but somehow resembled the shape of a bone. The front gate had bone shapes carved into it and so did the front door. Of course, the door bell played an appropriate dog themed tune.
“All pretty normal for a dog enthusiast so far” mumbled David to himself.
A human face then appeared
at the window surrounded by about fifty dog noses. The human face smiled, but the dog noses erupted into an avalanche of barking. The front door visibly vibrated as the dogs bounced off it and David decided this might be one of those dangerous situations which he was meant to avoid. He was about to turn round and go home when the door opened, and he was instantly surrounded by very bouncy but very friendly hounds. They were jumping up at him, licking his face, sniffing his shoes and generally barging into him from all sides. As the dogs turned out to be so friendly, he decided to stay and introduce himself.
“Good Afternoon Jess and good afternoon dogs. My name is David, your new neighbour”.
“Nice to meet you David”, exclaimed Jess and invited him into the dog house for some water and dog biscuits.
Jess explained how all her dogs were perfectly trained to sit, lie down, play dead and even do their business just with a simple command.
“Impressive” he thought.
David then noticed that one of the dogs had back wheels. This dog’s name was Wheelie and he was born with rubbish back legs, so was fitted with some super fast wheels. He started off with stabilisers as a puppy, he then progressed onto some ‘small dog’ wheels. Now that he was fully grown, he was fitted with a pair of lightweight racing wheels with 21 gears for
The Nutty Neighbours of Possum Road Page 10