by Shan Sa
Having served the Eternal Ancestor as a secretary for many years, I still remembered his words. When Little Phoenix spread out the various ministers’ requests before my eyes, the words they used held no mystery for me, and I had no difficulty finding answers. Soon Little Phoenix reported back that, unaware of the authorship of these suggestions, the Council of Great Ministers had praised them, and Wu Ji had bowed before his resolutions for the first time. The Outer Court’s reaction boosted my confidence, and I returned to work in Little Phoenix’s offices every day. After his moment of jubilant ecstasy, the sovereign would succumb to sleep while I read State reports and wrote up my commentaries. With every sentence, the teachings dictated by the Eternal Ancestor on his deathbed came back to me. By dictating his book The Art of Being Sovereign to Little Phoenix, he had linked me to his future reign.
At twenty-nine years old, I saw a ray of light for the first time: My life was beginning to have some meaning. Fifteen years earlier, when Little Phoenix had still been King of Jin, he had come over to me when he saw me mastering a horse. For him, I would master an empire.
ONE MORNING, PREY to nausea and dizziness, I stayed curled in the depths of my bed and could not rise. From the other side of the curtain, the imperial doctor took my pulse and congratulated me. I was carrying within me an imperial descendant! This news struck me dumb. Little Phoenix was overcome with joy: He sent me jewels, bolts of silk, and dishes that were served at his table. His delight only increased my confusion. I had decided not to attempt to rival the Empress Wang and the Resplendent Wife Xiao. I did not want to quarrel over a man’s favors with any woman in the gynaeceum. I had sworn to myself that I would be free of women’s servitude, but this imperial embryo made me its slave. This was no ordinary child stirring in my belly: I could be carrying a king, a pretender to the throne.
My breasts swelled; my skin became clearer; my waist tripled in size. I had to abandon my leather belt and tie a long ribbon around my hips. The doctors forbade me to ride; I lost my sprightly stride and now took only small steps. When I saw the Emperor pressing his ear to the great mountain of fat that was my stomach, I found it hard to hide my bitterness. Never again would I be his mother or his older sister. When the child was born, I would become a concubine, dependent on his capricious desires.
I had been slender, slight, and strong. I was becoming heavy, nervous, and vulnerable. I was afraid of tripping; I would wake in the night dreaming of the assassins sent by the Empress and the Resplendent Wife. Fearing I might be poisoned like the Delicate Concubine Xu, who had lost her child at the end of the eighth month, I ate only dishes prepared by Ruby and Emerald on a stove set up in my room.
The hatred between the Empress and the Resplendent Wife was reaching its height. Having ruthlessly put pressure on the sovereign, the favorite wrenched a promise from him that he would designate her son as heir. But in the Outer Court, the Great Ministers were unanimous in opposing this pernicious nomination that would inevitably bring about the deposition of Empress Wang. They suggested to the Empress that she should adopt Prince Loyalty, who had been borne of a slave girl, then force the Master of the World to recognize him as the Supreme Son.
The turmoil churning in the Forbidden City afforded me unhoped-for peace. I made sure I was forgotten. Ruby and Emerald hid me in one of those countless modest pavilions in the heart of the Side Court. The midwife hung a wide ribbon from the top of the bed and told me to pull on it with all my might in moments of extreme pain. In my dark burrow with its shutters and windows closed, I lost all notion of time. The contractions became increasingly violent. My sweat mingled with my tears. Between my shrieks, I could hear the women weeping, and one voice saying my hips were too narrow. No, I don’t want to die! I am stronger than suffering. I push, I tear, I dig into the depths of my entrails to bring this life out into the light!
The loud cries of a newborn baby bring me around.
“Mistress, greatest congratulations! It is a prince!”
When Mother brought me into this world, did she know that she would have a king among her descendants? Emerald showed me the swaddled bundle of life. Through his veins the divine blood of the Son of Heaven flowed. It was a miracle that my mind had trouble grasping.
His name would be Splendor. Splendor like the legendary first name of Lao-tzu, the founder of Taoism, the glorious ancestor of the Tang dynasties.
WHEN THE DAYS tainted with blood had passed, Little Phoenix ran to my pavilion. As he came toward me, I realized that childbirth was a huge upheaval from which every woman emerges transformed. I could tell from his eyes that I was radiant. I heard my voice ring out, it was more human, more soothing. I was more alert, my senses more acute; I could read my sovereign’s thoughts as if they were in an open book. I could make his heart quiver and dictate my wishes to him with a smile.
The Emperor presented me with the Palace of Wandering Clouds. By his decree, I was granted the seal of Courteous Concubine of the second rank, the highest remaining position in the gynaeceum. Little Phoenix also immediately offered my son the kingdom of Dai, thereby having me venerated by the entire world as the mother of a king.
Splendor’s birth was my own rebirth. Every ray of light, every last caterpillar on a tiny leaf, every twinkle of sunlight on the lake, and every startled flight of a bird made me tremble with joy. A gray curtain had been raised, a world of delights had been proven possible in the Forbidden City.
My dearest wish was finally realized: An imperial regiment galloped to the province of Bing, Mother stepped into a carriage that I had hastened to her, and she left the village of Wu amid great pomp and ceremony. She received from the sovereign’s hand a vast residence staffed by countless servants in the noble quarter of Long Peace. Elder sister, who had been widowed four years previously, joined Mother in the capital. Both were given permission to enter the gynaeceum. Our tears set free all the sorrow of our separation; a wound was wiped from my heart. My glory and fortune were now theirs. Thanks to me, they would now know happiness.
The Emperor deserted the Empress’s bedchamber. The Emperor neglected the Resplendent Wife. The Emperor spent all his nights at the Palace of Wandering Clouds where my family had become his. I ignored the Empress Wang who screamed that it was scandalous and her Lady Mother who accused me of betraying my mistress’s goodness. I no longer forbade myself happiness nor tried to hide my maternal pride.
Since her son had been removed from succession to the throne, the Resplendent Wife had shut herself away in her palace and drugged herself. When, on my insistence, the Emperor determined to force his way in, he no longer recognized the favorite who was reduced to little more than a skeleton. She wept as she enumerated her aching disappointments and heaped insults on me. She wagged an accusing finger, bony as a chicken’s leg. A torrent of confused words and bestial groans streamed from her scrawny frame. She threw herself at the sovereign and begged him to love her.
Little Phoenix came back to the Wandering Clouds in tears. He blamed himself for destroying this woman who had once been so beautiful. I comforted him and gave him a cheering piece of news: His seed had impregnated my belly a second time.
My name was on everyone’s lips in high society in Long Peace. Dignitaries who were only now discovering my existence could not understand this miracle: The Empress was in disgrace, and all the glory of the Resplendent Wife was a thing of the past. In two years, I had banished both women from the Emperor’s heart.
My origins and my past were a source of gossip. Born of an ennobled commoner, a Talented One in the previous Emperor’s court, a nun in the Monastery of Rebirth, my life had been an adventure worthy of popular legend. As they approached thirty, Court ladies—however beautiful—became almost worthless, but I had the love of a sovereign three years my junior! Vipered tongues claimed that I had magical sexual powers and boundless ambition. The Empress and the Resplendent Wife were determined to depict me as a she-devil. They took turns slandering me before the sovereign. While one accused me of pouri
ng poison in her glass, the other claimed that I had taken a monk as a lover, and he had fathered Splendor. Then, when they saw that the Emperor did not believe a single word, these mortal enemies became inseparable friends. The Empress praised the Resplendent Wife’s gentleness, and she in turn recognized her former mistress’s generosity.
Confronted with these violent attacks, I had to organize my defense. At five months pregnant, I was forbidden all sexual relations. For fear that Little Phoenix would go back to frequenting other pavilions where he might give credence to the spiteful gossip, I offered him Elder Sister’s body.
The rumors and defamation did not reach the sovereign while he was blinded and deafened by a new carnal passion. Purity took over for me in the imperial bedchamber and fought valiantly for our mutual happiness. Knowing that she was beside Little Phoenix meant I could concentrate on the forthcoming birth. My narrow hips might kill me yet. If I were to die, I would be delivered from the abuses of the Forbidden City. If I were to live, I would be reborn stronger than ever!
A princess opened her eyes to the world one spring morning. I gave my daughter the most beautiful cradle in the world and the fattest wet-nurses. Her cries made me smile and weep in turn. She would be happy and fragile like her father and ardent and stubborn like her mother. She would be impetuous as the Eternal Ancestor and gentle and good as Mother. I would make her an erudite poetess, a peerless horsewoman. She would experience every happiness that is forbidden to women and the freedoms I had never known!
The Court ladies filed through my palace to present their compliments. Entire halls were filled with gifts from dignitaries. I received the Empress and the Resplendent Wife, who decided to make the trip to see me together, hand in hand. Even though Ruby and Emerald whispered to me that their good wishes were not heartfelt, I thanked them warmly. I would find a way of being reconciled with them.
The Emperor accepted my suggestion and granted a special audience to General Li Ji, who had recommended me to the Court sixteen years previously. The warrior had been promoted and was now an eminent member of the Council of Great Ministers. His face had not changed, and his silvery beard was still magnificent. From his embarrassed expression, I could see that there was nothing about me that resembled the little girl devastated by mourning for her beloved father. I had become a woman who could exercise both charm and authority over him. Sixteen years after our first meeting, the conversation had changed, but time had not broken our bond. He had been put to the side by Wu Ji, who had been contemptuous of his commoner’s origins, and he was now prepared to offer me his loyalty and to defend the sovereign’s authority.
My belly was growing smaller, and my agility was returning. Childbirth had been a trial, an initiation from which my strength had emerged all the greater. The Emperor put his trust in me blindly. The chief eunuchs, the Great Intendants of the six inner ministries, and the directors of the twenty-four departments took orders only from me. I was no longer an anonymous woman among ten thousand beauties, but the true mistress of the Inner Palace.
At that time I was maneuvering to regain the supreme power that had been confiscated by the ministers. I worked day and night urgently sorting through case files so as to pre-empt Wu Ji’s decisions sent out by his chancellery. As I toiled, I forgot the rancorous feelings that were never far away.
One afternoon when Little Phoenix and I were riding through the Imperial Park, Ruby, Emerald, and a group of eunuchs appeared at the end of the track. They threw themselves to their knees and beat their chests, wailing lamentations.
“Your slaves deserve a thousand deaths!” they cried. “The imperial infant has just departed this life!”
My head spun, and my voice was strangled: “Only this morning she was laughing with me.”
Ruby struck her forehead on the ground so forcefully that she split her scalp. The blood flowed down over her face, and she wept as she explained: “Majesty, Highness, early this afternoon the Empress came to see the infant. She took her in her arms and played with her. Looking into the cradle a little later, the nurse noticed that the baby had turned blue. She had stopped breathing!”
I faltered, my ears were buzzing, and somewhere I thought I heard Little Phoenix sobbing: “The Empress has dared to poison my daughter!”
The cortège returned to the Inner City. I let myself be led, stiff, mute, dead. I do not know how I was able to dismount and climb onto a litter. Trees, pavilions, walls, countless faces…all these things appeared before me and only deepened my pain. My governesses, servants, and valets were all kneeling at the gates of my palace. Our two litters were borne across a garden seething with people, a place already like the most dismal of cemeteries. Emerald brought the tiny babe to the Emperor, and he bathed her with his tears. I refused to touch her ice-cold body.
For seven days, I stayed huddled in my room with the shutters closed, and I did not open my eyes. For seven days I could not keep food down; everything seemed to taste of fish. I would hear a baby crying, and panic would surge through me. I would call Ruby: “Why does the Princess keep crying? We must change her wet nurse!”
Emerald and Ruby concluded from this strange behavior that I had been put under a spell. They suggested secretly calling for an exorcist, but Mother rejected this practice that was forbidden in the Palace and had a statue of Buddha installed in my room. The monotonous droning of her prayers filled my heart that had been so dried by grief. Deprived of food, my body became lighter and lighter, and one day it flew away. I slipped into a moonless, starless night. I struggled in vain to find a glimmer of light, then I realized that I had become deaf and dumb. I was dead! Dead? No, I must live and have my revenge. I was not yet defeated! It was then that two faces appeared in the darkness: Father and the Eternal Ancestor. Their features became confused and formed one dazzling moon that started to speak: “The Resplendent Wife and the Empress have been exposed. They summoned sorcerers to the gynaeceum and wanted to see you dead. I have had the objects of their curses burned and those two madwomen imprisoned. Now your sickness will expire; you can sleep in peace.”
I opened my eyes. Little Phoenix was lying beside me on my bed, resting his head on his arm, and watching me lovingly. I turned my head: Mother had disappeared, but in the center of my room, lit up by hundreds of candles, was a gleaming golden statue of Buddha.
He drew me into his arms and asked me if I would like to have some soup. I remembered then that my daughter was dead. My tears fell for the first time since her death.
A servant brought a tray. Little Phoenix wiped my tears with a handkerchief, then he picked up the bowl and fed me with a spoon.
“Heavenlight, when I met you, you were no taller than I, and you were galloping on a magnificent horse. When you came over to greet me on that day, it felt to me as if every part of you was entering into my body, and I told myself: ‘I would like to marry a woman like her.’”
He paused for a long time and sighed: “Then I became a man. Women revealed their mystery to me. I became the prey of my desires, explored passion and sensuality, the sweet tragedy of love. Young girls fought one another off to please me, but, in exchange, I had to satisfy their sexual demands and sentimental wants. I would have liked to experience the thrill and the agony, but I knew only scheming, self-interested embraces: One wanted a relation to be nominated for government, another demanded a golden necklace, a third wanted a bigger palace and to wear new dresses. So I opened the treasury wide; I squandered it. I learned to lie in order to console, to promise in order to escape. I alternated between compliments and lecturing because I am weak and a coward. The feigned tenderness, the jealousies, the treats, and the tears sickened me, but I was so very afraid of being alone!
“When you returned from the monastery, you were so changed: You had become more intense, more determined. By your side, I felt free, at my ease, delivered. I was so happy to be able to count on your strength once again! And yet, even in those moments of happiness, I still did not know that it was love. You were mere
ly a breath of reason in all the madness, a dependency that did me some good, a habit that made my life a little easier….
“When I came to see you yesterday, your face was ashen. Your hair was wrapped around you like a black shroud. Thinking you were dead, I screamed in despair. It was then that I realized that you alone exist, that we two alone exist in this world, and that the rest is just shadows, ideas, and absurd dreams. A wave of heat surged through me. Borne by this extraordinary force, I knew that I would readily die for you. All the anxieties and the nameless torments that have haunted me since my childhood suddenly disappeared. Heavenlight, now I know what it is to love!
“Heavenlight, I want to prove to you that I love you, I want to protect you from the slander, the poisons, and the black magic. I want to offer you the honor you deserve. The world shall prostrate itself at the feet of the woman who has brought me grace. The Empress will be dismissed. You shall take her place. Together we shall reign over Earth for a thousand years, for ten thousand years, until the skies fall in.”
Tears sprang to my eyes. Did I deserve such distinction? The sovereign had chosen me among the thousands of women in his gynaeceum. He was offering me the supreme title, proof of absolute love. What could I give him in return? I was already his slave; I had already given him my body and my soul. He was the only man I had known. Like a dog devoted to his master, like a newborn babe clinging to the breast that feeds it, had I loved him wholly and sincerely? Little Phoenix was my destiny, and I was his Heavenlight. He freed me from the prison of those women condemned to a slow death, I delivered him from his frigid existence in the Forbidden City. We were two children joined together by pity and a feeling of revolt.