by Claire Kent
I’m still clinging to Travis’s hand, and I sit down in the chair that Mack drags over for me. “I’ll stay.”
IT’S A FEW HOURS LATER when Travis wakes up.
I’m still sitting in the chair. My back is sore, and my hand is killing me because Travis has been holding it in a death grip the whole time. I’m so tired and drained that I’ve leaned my head back and closed my eyes. I’m not asleep though.
I jerk in surprise when I hear Travis’s hoarse voice saying, “I get a bullet in the chest, and she decides to take a li’l nap.”
I straighten up with a gasp. His eyes are open and resting on me. They’re bleary but aware, and the corner of his pale mouth is turned up.
I say the most irrelevant thing. “You took a bullet in the shoulder, not the chest. It didn’t even do much damage.”
“Hurts like the devil.”
“I’m sure it does. But I wasn’t taking a nap.”
“Okay.”
I’m feeling rather weepy, but I try to keep my composure and smile. “I had to rest my eyes because it was taking you forever to wake up.”
“Sorry I was so slow.”
“That’s okay. I forgive you.”
We gaze at each other for a minute. His fingers have finally loosened over mine, but he doesn’t let go of my hand.
Finally he murmurs dryly, “I told you to run.”
“I know what you told me. But you don’t really think I’m going to automatically do everything you tell me, do you?”
He huffs. “You never have before.”
“I didn’t want to run.”
“Guess not.”
“If I’d have run, you wouldn’t be alive right now.” The sentence starts lightly, but the timbre changes as I realize how true it is.
How close I came to losing him.
How much that would have stripped from my heart.
“You think I don’t know that?” His face twists briefly. “Never gonna forget it. Not for my whole life. The sight of you whirling around and taking down two men like a little warrior.”
I swallow hard. “You’d already shot two of them. That’s the only reason I was able to do it. And I think they must have been drunk or something.”
“They were. Had terrible aim. Otherwise they would’ve pumped me full of bullets. But still... You saved my life. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” I squeeze his hand. I really want to hug him, but that’s impossible in his current condition. I have to settle for his hand. “You’ve saved my life every single day since I found you trying to steal my motorcycle.”
“Wasn’t stealin’ it.”
I giggle. “If you say so.”
His breathing is slow and even, but he’s still sickeningly white. His face is damp with perspiration and occasionally twists in pain.
His eyes never leave my face, and the look of them makes my heart clamp down tight.
“Is the dog okay?” Travis asks after a minute. “He did real good too. Where is he anyway?”
“He’s fine. One of those guys must have kicked him, but he’s just bruised a little. He’s outside the door with his nose against the crack. They won’t let him in.”
“Why not?”
“They’re worried about germs. Infection and all that. I told them he’s a very good dog and wouldn’t try to jump on the bed or lick your wounds, but they didn’t want to risk it.”
Travis scowls, clearly as displeased with that fact as I’ve been.
“They barely even let me in,” I add.
“What d’you mean?”
“I mean they wouldn’t let me in the room while they were taking care of you. They only let me in when you started calling out for me deliriously.”
“I wasn’t doin’ that.”
“Yes, you were. I heard you. I guess it convinced them that you’d be better off if I was here. You should have called out for the dog. Then maybe they’d have let him in too.”
“Who are all these people, telling us what to do?”
I shrug. “Everyone. The doctor and this woman named Patty who used to be a nurse and has decided she’s the boss of everyone. Bobby Fraser sticks his head in occasionally to supervise. And even Mack keeps stopping by and telling me what to do. All this bossing is getting annoying.”
“You’re tellin’ me. I’m the one who got shot. If I want you and the dog in here with me, I should be able to have you.” Travis sounds rather bad-tempered, and it makes me smile. “Don’t need everyone in the world tellin’ us what to do.”
“Well, they did help. Stopping the bleeding and taking out the bullet and stitching you up probably saved your life.”
He grunts.
“So I guess we shouldn’t complain.”
I hear voices outside the door and wait to see if someone is going to come in. But no one does, and the voices gradually fade.
It reminds me of something, however.
I let Travis’s hand slip out of mine and straighten up. “Oh. Do you want me to get Cheryl? Or... or someone?”
Travis blinks and frowns. “What? Why?”
“I just thought... thought you might want to see her.”
“Why? She’s not hurt or somethin’, is she?”
“No. She’s fine. She was worried about you. I just thought...”
He’s still frowning like he can’t figure out what I’m trying to say. “I can talk to her later. I don’t really feel like dealin’ with a big crowd right now.”
“Okay. Do you want me to... to leave?”
He makes a sound of gruff indignation. “No! I mean, not unless you wanna. Maybe you need to rest or somethin’.”
“I don’t need to rest.”
“Yeah, you do. You look kinda tired.” He tries to scoot over on the bed and hisses in pain. “Why don’tcha lay down next to me.”
I really like that idea since my back is killing me from sitting awkwardly in the chair for so long, but I’m worried about hurting Travis. “I better not. They’ll get mad if they think I made you move. You’re supposed to lie still.”
“I don’t care what I’m s’posed to do.” He edges over toward one side of the bed, leaving an empty space beside him. “I told you. Don’t like to be bossed around. You’re real little. Plenty of room for you here.”
“I’m not that little.”
“Yeah, you are.” He’s giving me my favorite little smile—the one that’s soft and fond.
I can’t possibly resist it. I carefully climb onto the bed, turning on my side so I’m facing him but staying near the edge so I’m not crowding him.
He reaches for my hand again.
We lie together like that for several minutes.
Finally Travis says softly, “I’m so sorry, Layne.”
“Sorry for what?”
“For bein’ stupid. For not payin’ attention when I should’ve. I deserved to get shot. I walked you right into danger without a single... I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry about that, Travis. We couldn’t have known those guys were there. I’d forgotten that we were back in the same area where we saw them the first time. We couldn’t have known we’d run into them.”
“But I sure as hell shoulda known we might not be alone. I don’t know what I was thinkin’. Such a damn fool. All worried ’bout what I was gonna say to you and tryin’ to find the right words and not even keepin’ guard for danger.”
“I wasn’t paying attention either.”
He lets out a long breath. “And we never did get to have our talk.”
My breath hitches. “N-no. I guess not.”
The room is silent for a minute. Nothing but our shallow breathing.
He called out for me when he was delirious. He didn’t call for Cheryl or anyone else.
Surely that means something.
Maybe I was wrong. About a lot of things.
I want to put my questions into words, but I’m still so scared. I’ve never done this before. I’ve never been in love like
this before.
I loved Peter, and my feelings for him were real. But they were also young. Simple.
I’ve never felt anything as deep and complicated and all consuming as this.
How do people handle feeling this way? How do they live every day and go about their business with this kind of storm of emotion inside them?
How do they ever manage to share the feelings with someone else?
“What were you...?” Travis clears his throat. He drops his eyes. “I wanted to ask... I was wonderin’ what you were thinkin’ about doin’ now?”
This line of questioning isn’t at all what I expect, and it makes my stomach drop. “What do you mean?”
“I mean now.” He makes a faint wave of his hand. “I mean your future. Since Fort Knox came to nothin’. And since we found the Meadows folks but it’s not what... what we were thinkin’. Did you wanna stick with ’em anyway?”
Since he’s asking me point-blank, I’m not going to lie about it. I shake my head. “No. Not really. I mean, I’m glad to have found them, but there’s not really anything for me here. And I do find all the slowness and the bossiness and not being able to make my own decisions... kind of frustrating.”
He blows out a breath, a tension on his face relaxing slightly. “Yeah. That’s kinda what I was thinkin’ too.”
“You mean you’re not going to stay with them?” I’m so surprised I lift my head from the bed.
Travis frowns. “Well, I would, if... if... But I’d rather not, if you wanna know the truth.”
“What about Cheryl?”
“What about her?”
“Aren’t you going to...?” I don’t finish the question because it suddenly sounds kind of ridiculous.
Surely if Travis still wanted to be with Cheryl, he’d have wanted to see her right away. He’d have asked about her.
He hasn’t done anything of the kind.
It was me he was calling out for. Not her.
His frown has deepened dramatically. “Is that what you’ve been thinkin’? That me and Cheryl— No! I still care ’bout her, and I always will. But she’s not who I want anymore.”
Emotion is rising inside me with such force that I have to sit up. I fold my legs beneath me and stare down at Travis.
His blue-gray eyes are so deep, so serious.
He speaks in a soft, stilted voice. “So I guess I need to... to ask you. If you don’t wanna stick with the caravan, what do you wanna do now? You got real choices. I know you really liked Maria. If you want, you can go with your friend and join them. If that’s... what you want.”
I gulp over a lump in my throat. “I’ve thought about it. But I don’t know. They don’t... it’s only women.”
“Yeah. I know. Well, if you want a man, you got choices in that too.” His accent is getting thicker. “I seen you talkin’ to Mack. He’s a real good guy. Smart, like you.”
“Mack?” I’m so shocked the one word comes out shrill.
“Sure. He’s a... real good guy. Seems like you like him. If you want him to be your man, bet he wouldn’t say no.”
“Mack?” This time the word is louder. Even more astonished.
“Yeah. Mack. Why you starin’ at me like that?”
“Mack isn’t interested in me.”
“Sure he is.” Travis looks slightly confused now. A little uncertain. “Course he is.”
“Why on earth would you think that?”
“’Cause...” He takes a couple of ragged breaths. “’Cause any man would want you. If you ask ’em, any man in the world would want you.”
I make a weird little sound. Almost a sob. “Travis. Please. I don’t want to... I can’t lose you.”
His face twists. “Darlin’. I’m doin’ a terrible job of sayin’ this. I’ll try again. You’re not gonna lose me. Not unless you want me gone. I’m gonna do whatever you do. If you wanna join Maria, then I’ll trail around behind you like a lost puppy. Me and the dog. Or if you wanna hook up with Mack or some other man, I’ll make myself a third wheel and I’ll practice deep breathin’ so I don’t beat the man’s face in for gettin’ to touch you like I... Or if you wanna stick with the caravan after all, I’ll learn to be patient and put up with not bein’ in control. You’re not gonna lose me, Layne. But I’m tryin’ to tell you that you don’t have to fuck me to keep me. You have me, even if you never want me to touch you again.”
I’m crying for real now. Swiping away tears as they fall.
Travis rubs his bristly jaw with his hand. “Basically, I’m sayin’ you got real choices now. I know things happened between us because... because you were desperate. Feelin’ low. You needed somethin’ and I was there. I know I’m not a man you ever woulda wanted otherwise. I get it. I promise I do. I told myself from the beginnin’ I could never... never ask you for more, ’cause I never wanted you to feel obliged to give me anythin’ you didn’t want to. I made myself hold to that from the first day we got together, and I’m gonna keep holdin’ to it now, even though I’m in a panic ’bout losin’ you. You got choices, Layne. You’re not stuck with some old hillbilly who never went to college and who can barely understand all your poems and who never shoulda been anyone to you ’cept the guy who fixed your car. You’re not stuck with him just ’cause he’s the only one you got.”
He’s hoarse and pale and earnest. His eyes are nakedly needy.
I reach down to grab his hand from the bed and hug his forearm to my chest. “What if... what if I want that old hillbilly?”
Travis makes a strangled sound as he stares at me. “Layne?”
“What if I want him?”
“Please, Layne. Please don’t say that. Please don’t ask it. Unless you really mean it. I mean really mean it. ’Cause I’m gonna take you serious. I’m gonna want more than just a good time with you. I’m gonna... never let go.”
I try to wipe the tears from my cheek with my shoulder but don’t really succeed. “Travis, I’m asking for real. What if I want that old hillbilly?”
His face changes. His eyes blaze. “If you want him... if you really want him... this old hillbilly is already yours.”
I’m crying so much now that I can’t keep sitting up. I collapse back onto the bed next to him, still hugging his arm to my chest. It’s the only part of him that I dare to touch without risking his injury.
“Layne?” Travis asks, pointing his head in my direction but still lying on his back.
“Sorry. Sorry.” I wipe at my face.
“Why you cryin’ about it?”
“Because I’m so happy.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Really.”
“You already knew how I feel ’bout you, didn’t you?”
“No! Of course I didn’t know. Why would I have known?”
“Thought it was obvious. Been crazy ’bout you for ages.”
“Ages? We’ve only been together for a couple of weeks.”
“Well, I spent most of it bein’ crazy ’bout you. You must’ve been able to see it. Never met anyone as brave and sweet and smart and full of heart as you. How could I help but fall for you? But I knew you were only with me ’cause you had to be, so I didn’t think I was allowed to have you.”
“Well, you are allowed.” I beam at him through my tears. Our faces are only a few inches apart.
Travis is breathing heavily. His face is still damp, but there’s a little more color in it now. “Do you think...?”
“Do I think what?”
“You think I can kiss you? For real?”
“I really wish you would.”
When I see him start to prop himself up, I give a little squeal of objection. “No! You can’t get up. You lie still, and I’ll come to you.”
“I’ll do better if I can—”
“You’re not getting up. I’m not going to put up with all the disapproving lectures if you move too much and tear your stitches and start bleeding again. You lie on your back. I’ll kiss you.”
Travis is grumbling wordlessly
as I lean over him. My lips hover over his. “Are you really whining about this?”
He huffs. “If you kiss me, darlin’, I’ll never whine again in my life.”
That just about does me in.
I’m shaky and unfocused as my lips brush against his. His are dry. They move against mine and cling when I try to withdraw.
My heart is beating at a gallop as he lifts a hand and holds my head in place so he can kiss me more fully. His tongue darts out to run along the line of my mouth, and then he takes my lower lip in both of his and gives it a delicious little tug, triggering a waterfall of pleasure throughout my body.
I make a silly sound in my throat and smile against his mouth. “See. It’s not too bad like this.”
“Not too bad, huh?” His hand is curved around the back of my skull, and he’s smiling as he lifts his head slightly to kiss me again. “Been wantin’ to do this for ages.”
“Then why didn’t you?” I’m having to prop myself over him on my forearms to keep from putting any weight on his injury. My position is awkward, and my back is hurting again, but I couldn’t care less.
“’Cause I was tryin’ to keep a proper distance.”
“Proper distance! You were fucking me.”
“You think I don’t know that? But I kept tellin’ myself that I was only doin’ that ’cause you asked me. So I could still say I wasn’t takin’ more than I was allowed. But I knew if I kissed you, I’d never be able to keep perspective. You have no idea how close I came—over and over again. I never knew I could want anythin’ as much as I wanted to kiss you. But I knew better than to let myself. I never woulda been able to let you go.”
I’m pressing little kisses all over his mouth and chin and cheeks. His skin is scratchy under my lips. I can’t believe I’m allowed to do it at last. “And now you don’t have to.”
“Now I don’t have to.” He gives me the sweetest little kiss. “I love you, Layne. You got that, right?”
“Yeah. I got it. I love you too.”
His lips claim mine again, and his tongue slips into my mouth. My body buzzes with pleasure. It’s starting to get so deep that a coil of pressure is tightening between my legs, and then we’re jarred apart by a voice from the doorway.