He continued. “He went swimming in the ocean and drowned. That is why he never contacted you.”
Tears now filled her eyes, as he suspected they would. “Josiah is dead? I…I don’t even know how to respond to that. Out of all the possible scenarios of what may have happened and why he’d rejected me, I never considered that he might no longer be alive. That’s terrible. It’s awful.”
He wanted to rub her hand to comfort her, but held back. “He had just told me that he’d met a wonderful Englisch girl. He said he would write you, and if you’d responded to his letters, then he wouldn’t join the Amish church yet but go find you instead.”
“I don’t…why?” She sobbed now, covering her face with both hands. “Why did he have to die?”
“I don’t know. I asked the same question many years ago. We grew up together, went to school together. He was my closest friend. I hated returning home without him. I felt like I left a piece of me there at the beach.” He touched her hand now, wishing he knew how to comfort her. When he’d lost his fraa and boppli, he’d mostly grieved alone.
“Now Bailey will never know her father. I’m glad I hadn’t said anything to her about trying to find him. She would have been devastated.” She forced away her tears. “Now, after traveling all this way… I guess I no longer have a reason to continue on to Pennsylvania.”
“I’m sorry to deliver bad news.”
“Silas, you have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I am sorry that Josiah never got a chance to know he had a dochder. He would have been a wunderbaar father. When he’d said he’d met someone, I never realized that he meant he would go so far as to…well…” He swallowed. He shouldn’t have gone there. Now, it was awkward.
“To conceive a child?” She finished his unspoken sentence. “We were young and, well, probably not all that wise. We let our emotions get the best of us, I suppose.”
“Jah, that is easy to do.”
“You sound like you speak from experience.”
He shook his head. “Nee. Mei fraa—my wife—and I…we…wanted to please Der Herr. Not that it was easy.”
“How long did you date?”
“A year and a half.”
“That is a long time to wait. I don’t know how you did it.” She swallowed. “So, do you think Josiah would have married me if he’d found out I was pregnant?”
Ach, the Englisch spoke so freely about such private matters. But it didn’t even seem to faze Kayla. “I think he probably would. He was not perfect, but he was honorable in most respects. Even though it would’ve been a difficult decision and would have caused strife in his family, jah, I do think he would have become Englisch to marry you and raise his dochder.”
“My heart hurts.” Tears welled in her eyes once again. “We could have had a good life together. A happy family.”
He shrugged, not knowing what to say. “What will you do now?”
“I don’t know. I hadn’t thought that far. Now that I know there is no possibility of rekindling a relationship with Bailey’s father or even meeting him, I need to rethink my plan. Here I am, out in the middle of nowhere. I don’t have any friends, not that I had a ton of close relationships in California. I don’t even know anyone. Except you. I’m not sure where to go now.”
He nodded. “That is why I called Dan Yoder. You are already here. You could stay until you figure out what to do.”
“I appreciate that, Silas. You’re a very thoughtful man.”
He stood from the couch. “I’m going to make coffee. Would you like some?”
She smiled. “No, thank you. If I have coffee now, I might not be able to sleep. I think I’ll just turn in.”
Silas watched as Kayla walked to the bedroom she’d been sleeping in. If she did decide to stay and rent the Yoders’ place, he’d eventually have to let Dan Yoder know that it wasn’t actually him renting the place. He hadn’t said that it was him, but he knew that’s what Dan was most likely thinking when he’d asked. He wasn’t quite sure whether he’d approve of a single Englisch mother staying in the empty house Silas was supposed to be caring for. And he definitely wouldn’t approve of the two of them staying under the same roof—under any circumstances.
Ach, he’d gotten himself in a bad place. If any of the g’may ever found out that he was sharing a home with a woman, he’d be in deep trouble. No doubt he’d receive a visit from the deacon. He could only imagine the gossip.
But if it truly was Der Herr that caused Kayla and Bailey to turn in here, and if it was Gott who prompted him to come check the gutters and caused the creek to rise too high to cross over, then it did indeed seem like His will that Silas be here. Of course, it wasn’t necessarily Gott’s will that he sleep inside the house. But then, Kayla had said that she and Bailey would leave if he didn’t. And the thought of the two of them being out in this weather and getting stranded on the side of the road or washed away in a flash flood was too much of a burden to take upon his shoulders. And now that he knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that Bailey was Josiah’s dochder, he had a duty to make sure they were safe and provided for. It was a responsibility he’d gladly take on for his best friend, a way to honor him.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Kayla had to get away from Silas, lest she become a blubbering, teary-eyed mess. Josiah was gone? No, it couldn’t be so.
She could hardly believe she’d never see him again. She’d never stare into his eyes. She’d never be held in his arms. All hopes and dreams and fantasies about possibly creating a life together vanished. She’d thought he might be the one. The one to cure the sadness and grief she’d experienced since her parents’ death. The one to cure her loneliness and give her and Bailey a steady home. But that would never be now.
She quickly peeked in on Bailey, who slept soundly in her temporary bed. Her daughter would never get a chance to meet her biological father. Would she forever carry around that longing? It all seemed so unfair. Why had God—if there was one—allowed them to come halfway across the country only to discover such heartbreaking news? It seemed cruel. Uncaring. Unloving.
What would they do now? Where would they go? She didn’t have any answers. She was lost. Lost and completely alone. Oh, to have Mom or Dad here to ask advice from.
~
After Silas poured his coffee and sat at the table by himself, lost in thought, he opened the Bible he kept here. Since the Yoders had moved, this had been a sanctuary of sorts for him. A place to ponder. A place to deal with all he’d lost. A place to hope. A place to dream again.
He bowed his head. Gott, help me to be like You. I want to do Your will. Please show me what it is. Show me the path You’d like me to walk in. Amen.
He proceeded to read where he’d last left off in the book of Psalms. He read to verses five and six, then stopped. Whoa. He went back and read the verses again. A father of the fatherless, and a judge of widows, is God in his holy habitation. God setteth the solitary in families…
“Wow, Gott,” he whispered. “Are You…? What are You trying to tell me?” He thought on the words he’d just prayed…Help me to be like You. “Do you want me to be a father to Josiah’s child? Do you want me to step into his boots?”
He frowned. How could he possibly do that when Bailey and her mother were Englisch? Show me how, Lord.
He set the thought aside, and read through the remainder of the chapter. He let his eyes rest on the verses that had jumped out at him once again. How, Gott? He hadn’t really expected an audible answer. He knew that Der Herr would answer in His own time.
He closed the Bible, rinsed out his coffee mug, and turned down the lantern’s wick. Earlier, he’d brought in the extra one, the one he kept in the barn, so each of the adults would have a light. Kayla had the other one with her. He’d be able to see and feel his way to the bathroom, then to his upstairs bedroom in the dark. He had a feeling he wouldn’t be getting much sleep tonight.
He walked past Kayla’s room extra quietly, in case she was already as
leep. It had been about thirty minutes since she’d gone to her bedroom, so it was a possibility. He stopped just a couple of steps past her door. He listened closely. The unmistakable sound of weeping caused his heart to clench tightly. Should he just leave her be and allow her to grieve alone? Bear ye one another’s burdens… He turned back and gently knocked on the door.
“Kayla, are you all right?” he spoke softly into the space between the door and the frame. He wasn’t sure if the little one was a light sleeper or not, and he didn’t wish to interrupt her rest. Seeing her mother in such a state would certainly be upsetting to the child.
Kayla sniffled but didn’t answer.
Ach, Gott.
“May I…come in?”
He thought he’d heard a faint affirmative answer.
He turned the knob and cautiously walked in. His eyes attempted to make out the interior of the bedroom. He quickly found the lantern on the nightstand and lit it. He’d expected to find Kayla sitting on the bed, but she was not. He didn’t see her at all but heard her soft whimper. He walked around the bed and found her crumpled on the floor, her face buried in her hands. He knelt down next to her and pulled her close. “Kumm. It’s okay.”
She wrapped her arms around him and held him fiercely, releasing a barrage of tears on his shoulder.
Ach, he hated that she was hurting, mourning Josiah’s death and the life they’d missed together, no doubt. Why did he have to die, Lord? He rubbed Kayla’s back and sat with her for several minutes. He didn’t speak, but simply held her, allowing her to cry. She would speak when she was ready. If she trusted him enough to share.
After another ten minutes, she pulled away, and apologized.
“Nee, don’t. You hurt much. You have nothing to be sorry for.” It was a misery he understood well. He’d wept plenty when his fraa and boppli died.
He thought of telling her the verse about Gott keeping our tears in a bottle, but somehow, he didn’t feel the timing was right. She was most likely still angry with Gott—maybe now more than ever. Perhaps he could help her move past that.
“I feel cheated. I feel like Bailey was cheated out of the life she could have had. It just isn’t fair, Silas.”
What could he say to that? In one aspect, he agreed. But in another, he knew that Gott was in control and that He could be trusted. He knew that Der Herr looked beyond our thoughts and feelings and instead saw our needs. Gott saw his needs. He saw Kayla’s needs. And He saw Bailey’s needs. And Der Herr would meet those needs in His perfect timing, in His perfect way. So, instead of speaking, he just nodded and listened to Kayla pour out her heart.
“I have no idea what to do now. I have no family. Bailey has no family.” Her voice screeched a little and she forced away a tear.
“Nee, she has you.”
“For now. But what if something were to happen to me, Silas? What if we get caught up in another storm, and she’s left without a mother?”
“Ach, you have too many cares. You are still alive. Gott willing, nothing will happen to you.” He attempted to sound confident.
“You don’t know that. Were you expecting Josiah to die? Were you expecting to lose your wife and baby?”
“Nee, I was not.” He released a long breath, reached for her hand, and looked into her eyes, willing her to absorb his confidence. “This storm will pass. I know it is hard to believe right now while you are in the middle of it, but it will pass. The sun will come out and shine again.”
“I wish I had your assurance, your strength.”
If she only knew that all his strength came from Der Herr. He had none on his own. Gott was everything to Him. His reason for rising up in the morning. His strength for each and every day. His entire reason for living. His hope. If he didn’t have Der Herr, he would have nothing. But how could he portray that to someone who stood against Gott? He couldn’t.
A verse came to his mind at that moment. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. He closed his eyes and prayed silently. Help me to show Kayla and Bailey Your love, Gott. Amen.
She took a deep breath, and followed it with a yawn.
“Ach, you are tired. You should get some sleep.” He began to rise, but Kayla stopped him.
“Wait.” She leaned over and planted a feathery soft kiss on his cheek. “Thank you, Silas, for everything.”
His face warmed at her nearness. Ach, this beautiful woman, who should’ve been his best friend’s fraa, had just given him a kiss. And she was Englisch. Englisch, but Gott help him, he was developing feelings for her. He couldn’t let himself be carried away. She was one hundred percent verboten. He needed to get out of there, to flee temptation.
He forced himself to rise, and exited her room. After he closed the door, he squeezed his eyes shut. Please help her, Lord. Help her to see that You are not the enemy. Help her to find healing. Bless her and her dochder, Gott. And give me the strength to stay devoted to You and keep my thoughts pure. Amen.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Silas soaked in the sun’s rays as they peaked over the eastern horizon. Perhaps the storms were finally passing them by. The weatherman had said to expect rain all week, but weathermen were often wrong. Only Der Herr knew the real forecast. The others simply made educated guesses.
He hoped Kayla had gotten a good night’s sleep. He’d stayed awake another hour conversing with Gott after leaving Kayla’s room. To tell the truth, it had felt gut to hold a woman in his arms once again. But he wouldn’t allow his thoughts to go in that direction. He wasn’t her husband. He didn’t own that right.
Even so, he couldn’t help but imagine what a life with Kayla and Bailey would look like. It didn’t even seem like a viable option, yet he’d reasoned it out in his head many times last night. They were all alone. They needed him. And truth be told, he needed them too.
Ach, these were absurd thoughts considering he’d only known them a couple days.
There would be many hurdles to overcome if that scenario were to ever play out. Either he would need to jump the fence into the Englisch world—which he had no desire to do—or Josiah’s dochder and Kayla could become Amish. He definitely preferred the latter. Because, even if he wanted to become Englisch, he would be shunned from his community. He simply couldn’t imagine not being able to have fellowship with Mamm and Daed and all his siblings.
On the other hand, he was unsure if their community’s Ordnung even allowed Englischers to join their church district. He’d never known anyone who had. And if their community disallowed it, he’d have no choice but to jump the fence if he wanted to be part of their family. But even if they did consent, she certainly wouldn’t agree to the Dordrecht Confession of Faith. Ach, this was no easy thing for sure and for certain.
One thing he did know, though. He wanted Kayla and Bailey to meet his family. Bailey would get along wonderfully with his six-year-old sister, Emily. And he was certain that his sister Martha and Mamm would take a liking to Kayla. They’d have a lot of questions, no doubt, but Silas planned to explain the situation beforehand.
If the flood water had receded enough, he’d go home today. Sleeping in the same house with Kayla was not a gut idea. He needed to guard his thoughts and actions and to keep his heart with all diligence, as the Bible advised.
~
Kayla poured coffee into the mug as soon as she heard Silas stomping his boots outside the door. She was happy that she’d woken up early to make breakfast for the three of them, although Bailey still slept.
She thought of the night before. It had been rough, to say the least. First, she’d been in shock that Silas knew Josiah. Then, to hear of Josiah’s death so soon after they’d parted ways—it had been devastating.
Even though she thought he might have been married and possibly had a family, she’d held out hope that he would still be single and available. She’d hoped he had a good reason for not contacting her. That, somehow, deep in his heart he still loved her. Apparently, he had. He hadn’t been
the jerk she’d pinned him as.
But every single hope she’d had vanished the instant Silas delivered the horrifying news. Every different scenario of their reunion. Every plan for their possible future. Gone. In a split second.
And then…Silas.
Wow. This man was amazing. If there was such a thing as a perfect gentleman, he’d definitely be in the running.
She could see Josiah and Silas being close friends, but it would seem that Silas had a leg up when it came to integrity. Of course, who was she to talk about integrity? She’d conceived a child out-of-wedlock, which, in this day and age, was nothing out of the ordinary. But she had a suspicion that for the Amish, it was a big thing.
“Mm…I smell coffee.” Silas’s cheery greeting pulled her out of her musings.
“Are you ready for some? I just poured you a cup.” She set the mug on the small table.
“More than ready.” He held the cup under his nose, closed his eyes, and inhaled.
She chuckled. “I do the same thing.”
He took a drink. “It’s gut.”
“Your eggs are ready.” She set the plate down in front of him, which also held a slice of bread.
He nodded. “Denki.” He eyed her. “Did you eat already?”
“No.”
He pushed the plate toward her. “You eat first.” And there was that thoughtfulness again.
“Oh, no. I made those for you. I’ll wait for Bailey.”
He frowned, looking like he might argue, but shrugged, and took a bite.
“Sun is shining today,” he remarked.
She took the other seat. “I know. I’m still trying to figure out what to do.”
“Would you like to meet my family? If the creek has gone down, I plan to go home today.”
“Oh.” For some reason, she felt disappointed Silas would no longer be there. “Yeah, we could meet them.”
“I’ll see if Mamm would like to have you over for supper tonight. You wouldn’t mind a home-cooked meal, would you?”
The Trespasser (Amish Country Brides) Page 4