by Al K. Line
"Absolutely not. If I feel I need to tell Ivan, and I'm guessing I do, then I will."
"He is my brother," said Vicky.
"But you won't have to, because if we steal the cauldron then we can stop Mabel before she goes to war. Well, er, not war exactly, just..." Selma trailed off, looking worried.
"Come on, spit it out. No point being shy now. You're the one who wants us to help. You knew you'd have to tell us the reason."
"Okay, but you won't like it."
"I never do," I muttered as I sipped my coffee.
Off We Go
"It's best if I show you." Selma drained her mug then stood, as if we were all ready to go on a mystery tour. I didn't want to go anywhere, apart from home, but it didn't look like that was about to happen.
"Show us what?" I asked.
"Just come with me, please. If you say no after tonight, then I won't bother you again, but I don't think you will."
Selma had a glint in her eye, and I didn't like it. It was worrying in the extreme, as I'd seen it plenty of times before over the years. It was the look of someone who knew something you didn't, and who couldn't wait to get you embroiled in their nonsense. Trouble, that's what the look signified. Pure, uncontrollable trouble.
"Let's go," said Vicky as she pushed off with her hands and stood on shaky legs.
"You don't look in any fit state to go anywhere but to bed," I noted.
"I'm fine, all under control." Vicky tried to hide a wince as something went on in her body, but I knew the signs. It was her choice though, and I guess she had to learn how to control this thing.
"Promise not to bother me again if I say no after you show me whatever it is you want to show me?"
"Promise," said Selma, and saluted. Damn, that was something Vicky did. In many ways she was like a younger Vicky. Annoying, and too small.
Selma gave directions as I drove through the city, weaving through the silent streets, disturbing the cats who watched as we passed then went about their skulking. Foxes ran fast down roads, more than I'd ever seen, and rats scurried in the dark places. It was like the city was being overrun, the animals outnumbering the humans. Maybe that was for the best. Would there be bears and wolves next? That would be cool.
I drove for fifteen minutes until we left the city and headed into the countryside. Selma told me to take a turn and I read the sign for one of those holiday parks, basically a large field of static homes, trailers I guess, where people came to spend time in the country and get some fresh air. They're often in the most unusual of places, but this one looked nice. There were hills and woods nearby, a river for fishing, and it all seemed very relaxing.
I parked, and Selma led us to one of the cabins. She checked around us, mumbled something under her breath, and then the pressure of her wards eased up. They were good, very strong, and it was another hint as to her strength. I followed Selma inside cautiously, wary of a trap, but everything was fine. Vicky followed behind. Selma turned on the lights and we stood in her tiny place, jostling for space. There was a small kitchen crammed in before you got to the seating area with two bench seats either side of a small table where a large cloth was draped over something.
"You live here?" I asked.
"Nah, this is just somewhere I rented, in anticipation of what was to come."
"Good, because it sucks. It's so small. But then, I guess for tiny people like you and Vicky it's plenty big enough."
"Hey, I'm not small," protested Selma, standing on tip-toe like I wouldn't notice.
"Not for a gnome, no."
"Where's all your tech stuff?" asked Vicky, looking around for the gadgets that would allow Selma to hack into our accounts and do all the damage she'd done.
"Ah, about that," she said sheepishly.
"Yeah?" I had a bad feeling. The last several days had been mostly made up of nothing but bad feelings.
"I, er, well... Now, don't get cross."
"I bloody knew it," I said, stomping over to the small eating area and squeezing in between the table and seat. "You didn't do it, did you? Okay what the hell is going on here?"
"I paid a guy."
"You paid a guy?"
"Yeah."
"Liar," said Vicky. "You did it, I can tell."
"No, I really didn't. I haven't got the first clue about computers. I paid this guy, and it cost a fortune, and then I tried to get you to help me."
"I don't believe you," said Vicky as she slid in opposite me.
"Neither do I. In fact, I don't believe anything you say. This has been one massive waste of my time. Time I could have spent staring at my ceiling."
"Fine, I did do it. But my equipment isn't here, it's somewhere else. Somewhere private. I'm not showing you guys all that, it's too important."
"Oh, excuse us for wanting the truth. I don't give a shit about your computers, I wouldn't even know how to turn them on."
"No, but Vicky would."
"Can we please just get on with this?" I was despairing now. Why do these things always happen to me?
I banged a fist down on the table and the item under the cloth rattled. It sounded like metal, almost like a handle banging against the sides of something round.
Something like a...
I grabbed the black cloth and yanked it off.
"Mabel's Cauldron," I said with a sigh, not really surprised as so far this girl had proved herself to be entirely untrustworthy.
Vicky stared at it, I stared at Selma.
"Care to explain how I'm supposed to steal it when you clearly already have?"
"That's the point. I need you to steal it before she finds out."
"You must be the most stupid person I have ever met. When did you take it?"
"The other day. I'm family, so I have access to everything. I need you to go pretend to nick it, do whatever you do to make it look like it was stolen. Otherwise, I'm in big trouble."
"What are you talking about?" My brain wasn't keeping up with this.
"I'm no thief, I don't know what a robbery of magical artifacts looks like. I need you to go in and pretend to steal this so Grandma will think she's been robbed. Otherwise she'll start asking questions and I'll get into trouble."
"How old did you say you were again?"
"Twenty-three, why?"
"Because you're acting like a twelve-year-old. You want us to pretend to steal from the boss witch so it will look like she's been robbed by an outsider? Want us to make it look like a professional job, but you've already stolen it?"
"Yeah. What's wrong with that? I took the opportunity, just in case you said no, and wouldn't steal it, but I still need you to do the job."
"To make it look like a pro did it?"
"Yeah, I just said."
"But you already have it?"
"Yes!"
"Let me tell you something, Selma. Women like Mabel know who the players are, know who the best thieves are, the ones capable of stealing from her. You think she won't come looking for the top guys? You think she won't come looking for me?"
"That's stupid. She won't know who it was. She'll just see the signs of a professional robbery and we'll be in the clear. How would she know it was you?"
"She won't, because I'm not doing it. This is the worst plan I've ever heard."
"Look, you don't even have to go and get anything. Just disable all the security, make it look like you were there, and that's it."
"What for? You already have it. You had to do all that to get it, right?"
"No, it's different for the witches the Queen trusts, but there aren't many of us. We can come and go as we please from where the artifacts are stored. We can take things, just sign them in and out. People come and go all the time, so it was easy. It's pretty lax actually."
"So why would it need to look like a professional did it? This isn't making any sense." I couldn't even begin to contemplate what was going on in this young woman's mind. Her story so far was so convoluted and nonsensical I wondered if even she could keep t
he story straight.
Then it hit me.
"Goddamn!" I grabbed Vicky and pulled her to her feet.
"Sorry," said Selma, looking genuinely sad for what she'd done. "I blathered, couldn't think what else to say. I'm sorry, you seem like nice people."
"What's happening? I don't understand."
I felt it coming, felt the magic surge and Wand stir in my pocket.
It was too late.
The door burst open, the room went dark, and something smacked me so hard across the head that I was slammed sideways into the wall so hard it gave way.
I vaguely remember laying out on the grass with a handful of female faces peering down at me without expression.
I bloody hate witches.
Dumb and Dumber
I'd never believed I was this stupid. Sure, I knew I had my moments of daftness, that occasionally I was less cautious than I should be, but this really rankled.
It also hurt like hell.
Vicky's screaming didn't help matters. When she started growling and then baying, I began to worry.
Why? Because we were locked in a room together, lit by a bare bulb that cast a sickly yellow glow around the spartan but large space. I was strapped to a large chair bolted to the floor, secured by leather straps infused with some of the best spells in the business. The Hat wasn't going anywhere apart from maybe down Vicky's throat.
Eek!
"Um, Vicky, you aren't going to eat me, are you?" I asked politely, hoping the answer would be no. All I got was a low growl as the wolf-woman glared at me with sharp focus and craned her neck forward to sniff the air, taking in my scent. She was confused, as I was showing no fear, not outright terror anyway, but it was worrying all the same.
Vicky had turned the minute I'd been secured, still woozy and in no state to fight back. She'd done it quickly, no holding back, and as usual it was no pleasant experience. If I remained calm then she'd probably turn back, if not I'd have to wait until the morning. Assuming she didn't get peckish in the meantime.
I sat, I waited, I got bored, and I guess I nodded off. This was a strange habit I had. If I was alone in my bed then I couldn't sleep, if I was driving away from a job then I could sleep behind the wheel. If I was locked in a room by mad witches with a werewolf that could eat me at any moment, then no problem, welcome to the mini-death.
Peace, surrender. Leaving my fate in the hands of the gods.
Funny how the human mind works. I'm sure it was a stress-reaction, that I shut down rather than deal with things, but it could have just been because I was knackered. Either way, I wasn't complaining.
I did that annoying thing where your head snaps up and you get a shooting pain in your neck, but I couldn't rub the stiffness away as I was still strapped down tight and whatever spells were in the leather held fast.
Vicky was in the corner, curled up under a blanket, thankfully back to her usual form.
Light from a small high window indicated it was morning time, and judging by the shape of the ceiling we were locked in an attic room. It was empty, nothing to see here, just the chair I sat on and no other furniture. Guess they weren't taking any chances.
Vicky continued to snore as the door opened. Three women in their forties, or maybe their hundreds as it's hard to tell with witches, entered quietly, glanced at Vicky, then ignored her and focused on me.
They were stone-faced and confident. Not the confidence of youngsters like Selma where much of it is for show, but true, deep-seated confidence born of years of experience and practice in the magical arts.
Without warning, one of them smashed a fist into my face and squealed as her knuckles connected with my cheek. Poor thing hurt her hand.
I shook it off and stared at them all, maybe glared is a better description. Maybe tried to burn them alive with the power of my mind is the most accurate way of putting it.
Then the next one punched me, much harder this time, and my nose broke yet again. Blood streamed but I remained quiet, and so did they. Seemed like none of us wanted to wake Vicky and disturb her beauty sleep.
The third took a turn, and boy did it smart. I saw stars and couldn't get my thoughts straight, just knew I had to stay focused as one way or another I was getting out of here.
This was all a trap, a set-up from the get-go to capture me.
Why go to such extremes though? Because they had to get me away from my house, from George, from anywhere I could get help. Selma's ruse with the hacking hadn't worked, I hadn't just gone with the fake Ivan, so that had failed.
The meeting at the club was a way to lead me to the holiday park, and I guess Selma had panicked once I was there and her sisters hadn't shown up immediately, so had conjured up a fake cauldron and then lost the plot a little as she couldn't keep up with her own plan. Guess she was new to all this and was winging it but couldn't quite think of how to stall. Stupid, should have seen it coming a mile off.
Why talk about the cauldron and all that nonsense though? Why bring that into it? Was it the truth? Had the cauldron been real and she wanted me to pretend to steal it? Or did she just panic and as she'd already mentioned it, probably to pique my interest as I did like to steal stuff I shouldn't, then got carried away with her own convoluted plan? This is the problem with youngsters, they make no sense to me even though I know from experience that in your own head everything is going swimmingly.
Or was I barking up the wrong tree entirely and this was all just a misunderstanding and I'd be released any moment now?
I got smacked in the eye socket and figured no, they knew exactly who I was.
The door opened and Selma gasped when she saw me.
"What are you doing?" she hissed.
"Making him do what we want," said one of the women, matter-of-factly.
"That won't work. What's the matter with you?"
"Everyone agreed that he's our only hope, that if he won't do this then we're all going to pay. He has to do it."
"I know that. But this is The Hat, he won't help if you beat him to a pulp."
"Your idea didn't work, did it? What were you thinking with that cauldron on the table nonsense?"
"I thought it was worth a shot. He was going to say no, so I figured if he had to pretend to steal it he'd think it was an easier job and might go for it."
"Idiot child. You should have just told him how much money we were willing to pay."
"I got flustered, okay. One of you should have done it, I told you that."
"He only came this far because a beautiful girl was involved. If one of us approached him he would have refused outright."
I was somewhat affronted by this, but there may have been a grain of truth to it.
"Let him go. This isn't what we agreed. Now you've got us all in trouble." Selma stared at the three much older women, and they all seemed to come to the same decision so backed off.
"Arthur, I'm so sorry about them, about me being so silly too. This wasn't what I had in mind, not at all."
Selma stepped forward and muttered something. I felt the magic lift from the straps and as it did I touched Wand through my combats. He burned through instantly, was held tight in my grip. Sigils flared, the belts snapped, and I was up and blasting before anyone could say "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit."
A Wizard's Wrath
"No, Arthur, wait!" shouted Selma, but I was having none of it.
I didn't care what these women thought they were doing, whose side they were on, what their end goal was, any of it. All I knew was they'd played Vicky and I for fools, duped us over and over, got Selma to do their dirty work, then forced Vicky to change against her will. They'd also tied me up then beat the shit out of me.
Normally I am a gentleman when it comes to women. I open doors, doff my hat, and I never fight them if I can avoid it as it feels wrong somehow. But I wasn't feeling like a gentleman today, I was feeling right royally pissed off.
"Make it quick but make it final," I told Wand as the pressure built along the shaft and I had
a hard time containing myself.
"You got it, boss. Damn, this is gonna be great. And a first. I get to kill witches."
"Yeah, big whoop-de-doo," I groaned, uneasy with his excitement and the fact he clearly had zero morals.
My sluggish will shunted down into Wand, combining effortlessly with his own innate magic and the power infused in him by the sigils I'd carved and the numerous spells forced into the very fabric of the rare faery wood he was crafted from.
Selma shouted, "No," as I lifted Wand, but she was pushed aside by the three women who stood their ground, stoic and snarling.
"Told you he'd need convincing. We'll show him who's boss and then he'll do exactly as we say. Won't you? If not, your ginger girl will be next."
"When will you people ever learn? You're supposed to ask nicely, not play games and try to trick me. Now you've blown it. Oh, and it's auburn, or red, she hates people calling her ginger. Show some fucking respect. You dare threaten my daughter?"
They'd blown it, big time.
With Wand in my hand, I experienced something for the very first time. It was as though I had eyes all over my head and I could see in every direction at once. It wasn't disorienting, it felt entirely natural, like I'd always been able to see this way. Wand was sharing his own sight with me, and it was awesome.
But that wasn't all. With this three-sixty vision came something else, the ability to take in more information, see every shift in movement, anticipate every action, almost know what would happen next.
Usually this worked on a subconscious level, not something I was actually aware of. My body reacting to stimuli and me acting before I could think to do it. Now it was as if time had slowed and I could plan ahead, think about things before I let loose. It made things rather one-sided for the women who I was sure were powerful witches when up against anyone but a pissed off Hat.
"Why haven't you done this before?" I gasped, getting some weird looks from the women, but our conversation playing out so fast I was watching their eyes close slowly as they blinked.
"Didn't know we could do it. Guess you live and learn."
"I like it."