by Jordan Deen
pulled me into the classroom. He settled his chair in his normal spot next to me at our table. I listened idly as Jillian and Alex chatted about a trip to the San Antonio Mountains over the coming weekend. Alex and Gavin had gone hiking up there before summer and they wanted to go to this ski lodge up there. Alex wanted to make it an overnight trip and Jillian instantly agreed. I felt numb. I shook my head at all the appropriate times, but in actuality I had no interest in going to the mountains with either of them right now. It felt as though Jillian was pushing me towards Alex and she didn’t know Brandon well enough to put him down. Then again, I didn’t know enough about Brandon either to be imagining my future with him or jeopardize what I had with Alex for him.
When class was over I barely listened to the two of them as I walked to my locker to put my books away. I pulled out my iPod and untangled my headphones. “Hey, I’m going to walk today.”
Jillian and Alex both stopped their conversation to stare at me. “I thought I was driving you?” Alex said before Jillian added.“I can take you.”
I looked from Alex to Jillian; they didn’t get the hint. “You don’t have your car, Gavin brought you today and it’s a nice day out. I want to walk.” Before either of them could object I shoved my headphones in and headed in the opposite direction.
Linkin Park blared in my ears as I got out the gate of the parking lot and on to the sidewalk. The cheerleaders on the field practiced their routines and football players were suited up running plays. The band students were huddled around Stephen Vinson’s panel van exchanging sheet music. Courtney was in her car yelling at someone on her cell phone. Thomas and Liz were in his car a few spots down making out. I was sure Courtney knew that they were there. Alex should be with someone like Courtney, not me. She was beautiful and athletic although she wasn’t the smartest cookie in the bunch. She seemed more his type: needy, slutty and devoid of a mind of her own. Unfortunately, Jillian had almost become her mirror image and it made me worry about the affect Gavin was having on her. I knew she loved him, but still. You shouldn’t have to change to be with the one you love. And, I really didn’t feel that it should be a struggle to stay with someone. Love should be easy; it shouldn’t make you miserable.
A strong hand wrapped around my elbow and my whole body tensed as I jumped. “Whoa. It’s just me.” Alex threw up his hands, his Camaro parked at the curb. My music was so loud I hadn’t heard him pull up behind me.
I yanked out my earphones and held myself back from yelling at him for scaring me. “What do you want?” I asked bitterly.
Alex didn’t respond at first; he looked at the kids on the field and the people in their cars. “I just … Are you sure you are ok?”
“I’m fine. Stop asking me.” I folded my arms across my chest.
Alex stared waiting for me to add more. But I didn’t. “Ok, ummm … do you have a problem with people caring for you?”
I don’t know what got into me, but I decided to be honest, brutally honest. “No, but I DO have a problem with people trying to smother me.” Ouch. I shouldn’t have said that and the look on Alex’s face made me instantly regret how insensitive I was.
Before I could apologize, Alex said, “I didn’t realize you felt that way. I’m sorry that I care about you.” He shoved his hands hard into his pockets and turned towards his Camaro. He didn’t look at me as the car roared to life and headed away from school. I watched as the car turned the corner at the end of the road, barely stopping at the stop sign.
I felt miserable about how I treated Alex. I doodled on the desk calendar while Michelle finished reconciling the appointment log from the day. My aunt was coming over for dinner tonight, so I was hanging out waiting for her to drive me home.
“Any calls on Grant?” Michelle asked as she put the logbooks into the filing cabinets.
“No, none yet.” I tapped the pen on the book. I missed Grant. With Jillian being so strange lately and Alex coming on so strong, I really needed an impartial friend.
“I’m sure he went home.” Michelle tried to make me feel better.
“Your mom said he was up to half a pound of hamburger a day! I wouldn’t think he’d want to go anywhere.” My aunt laughed as she put on her jacket and picked up her purse. I guess she didn’t realize that Michelle was trying to make me feel better. “You ready?”
“Yeah.” I grabbed my backpack and my iPod.
“I’m sure Michelle is right. He probably went home.”
“Are you still calling the shelters for me?” I asked her as we climbed into her car.
“Yes, but still no luck. I’ll keep calling for you though.”
Mom and Dad were both in the kitchen when we got home. Mom took out a small package and handed it to me. “Alex came by today.” She sounded concerned. Dad and Jamie both turned to look at us, gauging my reaction. Mom noticed immediately and led me into the living room away from their prying eyes. I’m sure she knew I’d shut down with the audience. “So do you want to talk about it? Did something happen on Saturday that we need to know about?”
“No, Mom nothing happened with him. It’s just …” I glanced towards the kitchen and looked at the small package in my hand. “He already told me he loves me and I just think he’s smothering me.”
Mom gave me a knowing smile. “Honey, first loves are always hard. Do you love him?”
I considered her question for several moments before answering. “Yes.”
“But you hesitated. What is it? Are you scared that you are moving too quickly with him?”
“Sort of. I mean … it’s like we met and BOOM we’re in love.” I couldn’t believe I was confiding in her, but at this point I really had no one else.
Mom laughed. “Sometimes there are just people that come into your life that you are going to have an instant connection with; then there are others that you have to work on. Alex and I spoke for a few minutes when he was here; he is a very worldly, knowledgeable boy.” Mom sat on the couch and I claimed the spot next to her hanging on her every word. “Alex has already had a lot of experiences in his life that you haven’t even dreamed of yet. I think he has already been able to hone in on the qualities that he is looking for in a person, in a partner. He is looking for the long haul.” She smiled. “Give him some time.” She encouraged. “He needs to be patient with you. If he loves you he will step back and take his time. I told him you were new to being in love and being intimate.”
“Mom- please tell me you didn’t tell him that.” I felt flushed.
“What? It’s the truth, isn’t it?” I wish she hadn’t told him that.
Oh god. We were going to have THE TALK. “No, Mom. It’s not. I’m not a virgin anymore.”
My mother’s face turned ghostly white. “You haven’t even had a serious boyfriend yet!”
“Mom, it’s not like I’ve slept around; it was one time with a boy in band. I just wanted to know what the fuss was about.” I waited for her to go ballistic.
Mom’s knuckles turned white as her fingers tug into the pillow on her lap. “I thought I raised you better than that. You didn’t love the boy?”
Averting my gaze I answered. “No.”
Instead of becoming enraged, it surprised me that she seemed relieved as she rubbed my hand gently with hers. “I’m glad you told me, but not glad that I’m finding out this way. You should’ve come and talked to me. That’s what I’m here for, to talk to, to guide you.”
“Mom, how was I going to tell you that my first time was horrible and I regretted it?”
She let out a small laugh, “Baby, that is how most people’s first time is. Mine was horrendous. I regretted it the moment I did it and wanted to erase it from the history books.” I cringed; so not what I wanted to hear. She hugged me tightly and changed the subject sensing my discomfort in her over share. “Give Alex some time. He genuinely loves you and he is at his wit’s end.” She pointed to the gift. “I’m sure I know what is in there.”
I pulled at the large red bow and slid the top off w
ith shaky fingers. Inside was a single red rose and my bracelet wrapped around a small satin white pillow. She leaned over and looked in the box. “I told him we would allow you to keep it, unless you break up. Then it goes back to him. He seemed ok with that.” Looping her tiny fingers around the bracelet, she pulled it from the box and clasped it onto my wrist. Mesmerized by it sparkling in the light, I wondered what else Mom had told Alex, or worse yet, what he had told her. It was blatantly obvious that Mom’s decision had been made – her choice was Alex. She probably already bought wedding books and stashed them somewhere. I’m sure she thought Alex would be a way to keep me from moving to San Diego … she was wrong.
c h a p t e r
NINETEEN
By Friday I was exhausted. My nightmares grew more intense and more detailed of my day at the stream with Brandon. Watching his body painfully thrash and turn into a ferocious wolf had soaked deep into my brain and couldn’t be erased. Every night I woke up covered in sweat and screaming. At least when Grant was here I could snuggle against him and pet his soft fur until I was asleep, but now the only comfort I had was my big empty bed and the blanket my aunt made me.
Alex dropped me off at the clinic after school was out. I tried not to let it bother me that he had talked to my mother about our relationship. I wore the bracelet every day and while I thought it was beautiful, it felt as if