by Kat Brookes
She lowered her gaze. “It shouldn’t have gone on so long.”
He gave his head a slow shake. “Nope. Not when the two of you had feelings for each other.”
Her head snapped up. “Jackson didn’t have feelings for me. He’s my brother’s best friend. He was mine, too, back then. My problem was wanting more than he was prepared to give me. Not when the rodeo life had such a hold on his heart.”
“You really think that was all there was to it?” he asked in surprise.
“He told me so,” she countered, feeling defensive. Tucker hadn’t been there. She had.
“Maybe he felt it best at the time to let you go on believing that,” he muttered as he reached up to pluck a piece of straw from his flannel work shirt.
“I don’t understand,” she told him, puzzled.
“I’ve already said more than I should have,” he admitted with a sigh. “If you want the full truth, you’ll need to ask my brother. And while you’re at it, you might consider telling him the truth about Vegas as well. Openness goes both ways.”
Guilt pinched in her chest. “I’m not sure what you’re referring to,” she said, unable to look him in the eye. Jackson must have told his brothers about her poorly timed phone call.
“I’m referring to the visit you paid to the hospital in Las Vegas after Jackson’s accident.”
A small gasp left her lips.
“I was there that day,” he went on. “I’d left Jackson’s room to make a few phone calls. When I was done, I stepped from the waiting area down the hall from Jackson’s room just in time to see you walk up to the door of his private room. You stood there staring at it for a very long while, as if trying to gather your thoughts before going in. I nearly called out to you, and then thought better of it. I know how much my brother had been missing you and the close relationship the two of you had formed over the years. I also knew how much your being there would’ve meant to him. I prayed it would help give Jackson the push he needed on his road to recovery, because he was in a bad place, both physically and emotionally.”
“It tore me up when Justin called to tell me what had happened to Jackson,” she said. She hadn’t watched the one televised rodeo he was competing in, but maybe it was a blessing. Just hearing about what had happened had been devastating enough. The next thing Lainie knew she was on a plane bound for Vegas, thanking the Lord for not taking Jackson away far too soon from those who loved him, and praying for Him to ease Jackson’s pain.
Tucker nodded. “It tore all of us up. We never thought we’d be waiting to see if my brother, one of the best bull riders on the circuit, was going to survive the battering he’d taken from one of those bulls. How Jackson ever let that bull get the better of him, we have no idea.” He stood shaking his head in wonder, even now, years later. “It was as if he’d never gotten his head into the ride.”
Because I had taken his head out of the ride, Lainie thought sorrowfully.
Tucker went on, “I fully expected to see you step into that room. Instead, you leaned your head against the open door and closed your eyes. Before I could decide whether to hold back, or to go see if you needed me to go in with you to see Jackson, you had stepped away, running off down the hospital corridor like someone had lit a fire to your heels.”
Lainie pressed a hand to her mouth, unable to speak. The guilt she’d felt that day when she’d told her fiancé she had to leave town for a couple of days to visit a close family friend who had been injured badly came rushing back. It hadn’t been a lie. Jackson was a close family friend, but he was so much more than that to her.
“He knew I was there?” she said fretfully, the words an anxious whisper.
“I never told him,” Tucker replied with a frown. “Figured if you had wanted him to know you were there, you would have gone in to see him.”
“Thank you,” she breathed.
Tucker looked down at her, his expression contemplative. “Why didn’t you go in to see him that day, Lainie? After coming all the way from California to do so.”
“I couldn’t,” she said sadly. As much as she had wanted to be by his side until she knew he would be okay, she didn’t deserve to be. Not only because she was engaged to another man—one she cared deeply about—but because she blamed herself for his being there. If only she hadn’t called him with her news that day...but she hadn’t known he was preparing to ride in the rodeo finals.
“I know it would have been hard for you to see him that way, all bruised and broken, but I truly believe your being there would have made a big difference in Jackson’s will to come back from such a devastating injury.”
“I had no right to be there,” she said with a choked sob. “I was engaged to another man, to Will. I had no right to be there. No right to still have feelings for Jackson when I loved another. And I did love my husband, Tucker. Truly I did.”
His expression softened. “I know you did, Lainie. Sometimes first loves never quite leave our hearts completely. Even when they ought to.”
“Blue’s mother?”
“Yes,” he replied. “She gave me one of the biggest blessings in my life—my daughter. And for that I will always hold a special place in my heart for her. But there’s only one woman who has ever made me feel whole, like everything in my life is finally set to rights, and that’s Autumn. Love is just different with her. Better. Brighter.” He rolled his eyes. “Will you listen to me? Here I go, getting all mushy like some lovesick fool. I swear marriage and babies turn men into walking, talking, cowboy-hat-wearing marshmallows.”
She felt a hint of a smile return to her face. “You don’t sound like a fool at all. You sound like a man truly in love.”
“I am that,” he agreed. “Long story short, the heart is a wondrous organ, fully capable of loving more than one person in many different ways. A fortunate thing for me, considering how large the Wade family is becoming.”
As wondrous as the heart might be, it was an unruly organ. The more she tried to convince her heart that she was past her love for Jackson, the more it set out to prove her wrong. “I think a part of me will always love your brother,” she admitted with a soft sigh. “But we’re at different places in our lives now. I’m raising a child. He’s running a business.”
“That doesn’t mean the two can’t connect,” he muttered as he studied her reaction to his words.
“I appreciate what you’re trying to do,” she told him, “but Jackson and I are what we were always meant to be—friends. Besides, Lucas is just getting settled into his new life. I need to focus on him, and not my own wants and needs right now.” She glanced at her watch, noting the time. “I need to get going. Everyone will probably be wondering where I am.”
He nodded in understanding. “Think about what I said. You know what they say about the truth setting you free.”
“I will,” she replied. “Thank you for not saying anything to Jackson about Vegas. And thank you for the talk.”
“Anytime,” he said, turning to grab the shovel he’d set aside. “You girls have fun.”
“With those three, I have no doubt we will.” Turning, she walked out of the barn, their conversation playing over and over in her mind.
* * *
Jackson waited until Lainie had gone into the main house before stepping out from behind the tractor parked next to the barn. He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop on her conversation, but when he’d overheard Tucker telling her that he’d seen her at the rehabilitation facility in Vegas, he couldn’t bring himself to take another step, forward or backward. He stood frozen in place, listening to the scene his brother was describing and then Lainie’s heart-tugging response. He had hurt her to the point she couldn’t bear to be around him for years afterward, yet she had flown to Las Vegas to see him when she’d learned of his injury. A part of her still loved him now. His heart had soaked up her admission, giving him all the more reason to hope
for more than friendship between them.
He glanced down at his bad leg; covered in denim, it looked like any other man’s. Underneath his jeans was a badly scarred thigh and hip, plates, rods and screws now holding them together. The repairs allowed him to ride again, but a bronc, and definitely not any more bulls. Even now, years later, he still experienced some discomfort when riding his horse. But he hadn’t let that keep him from doing it altogether—not when horses were such a huge part of his life.
Still trying to wrap his head around what he’d overheard, Jackson stepped into the barn.
Tucker glanced up when Jackson entered the barn, greeting his brother with a smile. “You just missed Lainie.”
“I know.”
“Oh, you ran into her outside,” Tucker said in understanding as he moved to let himself out of the stall he’d been mucking out.
“Actually, I made sure we didn’t run into each other.”
His brother paused to look his way, his hand stilled on the gate he’d been latching shut. “I was under the understanding the two of you had worked things out.”
“We have,” Jackson replied. “At least we’re working on it.”
“Then why are you suddenly avoiding her?”
“Because I’m still trying to process what I just overheard.”
Tucker released the gate and turned to face him, a hint of worry in his expression. “Overheard?”
“How could you have kept something like this from me?” Jackson demanded. “You’ve known all these years that Lainie had come to Vegas after my accident, yet you’ve never said a word about it to me. Not one word.”
“I thought Mom taught you better than to eavesdrop on others’ conversations,” his brother replied without apology.
“I wasn’t,” Jackson began in his own defense, and then wondered why he felt the need to defend what he had done. Tucker was the one who should have been explaining his actions, keeping the truth from his own brother. If Jackson had known about Lainie’s hospital visit in Vegas, it might very well have changed the direction of his life. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop,” he went on. “I was on my way into the barn when I heard you telling Lainie you had seen her at the hospital in Vegas. I was trying to make sense of what I was hearing, because as far as I knew she’d never been there. And then Lainie admitted to you that she still loved me. I didn’t think it was the best time to announce my arrival, so I stood outside waiting for the conversation to end, but it didn’t.” He met his brother’s gaze and said, as if still trying to digest the information, “She came to Vegas.” The very knowledge of it made his heart stir.
Tucker let out a heavy sigh. “She did.”
“Why would you keep something like that from me?” he asked in frustration. If he had known, maybe, just maybe, he could have set things right with Lainie years sooner. He might have ended up being the one to stand waiting for her at the altar, bad leg or not. Lucas might have been his son. Funny how he’d never thought about having a family, a son to call his own, until Lainie had come home. And now it seemed to fill his thoughts constantly.
Tucker crossed the room to put the shovel away. “If you overheard, then you know why I never mentioned it.”
“Your first loyalty should have been to me, not Lainie.”
His brother spun on booted heel to face him, his expression darkening. “In case you’ve forgotten, you nearly lost your life the night Lucky Shamrock trampled you into the floor of that Vegas arena. Garrett and I thought you were dead when we saw you lying there lifeless in the dirt,” he said, his voice thick with emotion.
A knot formed in Jackson’s throat when he heard the pain behind the anger in those words. “I haven’t forgotten anything,” he told him. “How can I, when I’m forced to live with a constant reminder of that fall? And I was lifeless because I’d been knocked unconscious.”
“That bull kicked you around like you weighed no more than Blue’s precious little rag doll. I don’t think I’d ever prayed harder in my life than I did at that moment. But since I was preaching to Lainie about the truth setting you free, I’ll answer your question. I never said anything to you about her being there, not only because if she had wanted you to know she would have gone into your room that day, but because I wasn’t about to lose you.”
Jackson’s brows drew together. “What does that have to do with your losing me?”
His brother peeled off his work gloves. “Everything. You were in bad enough shape to the point that it was touch and go for a while. If Lainie had gone in to see you that day, it might have given you the spark you needed to get through things. But to tell you she had come to Vegas and then left without speaking to you would have only dragged you down further mentally. Maybe even physically. Right or wrong, I did what I thought was best at the time, and I’d do it all over again if the situation was the same. And if you’re going to be mad at anyone, be mad at me. Garrett doesn’t know about Lainie’s showing up in Vegas either.”
No doubt because Garrett hadn’t been there at the hospital with Tucker. He’d been waiting in the parking lot outside, exchanging fretful phone calls with Tucker. Garrett hadn’t been able to step foot inside any hospital since losing his high school sweetheart after a long, hard battle with leukemia. It wasn’t until he’d rescued Hannah from the flood and she’d gone into labor that he’d forced himself to pass through the same hospital doors he’d last gone through to say goodbye to his young sweetheart.
Letting go of his anger and that feeling of having been betrayed, which he knew Tucker would never truly do, Jackson met his brother’s gaze. “Put that way, I can understand why you handled things the way you did. I just wish I had known.” He glanced toward the door.
“She still loves you.”
His attention slid back to Tucker and a slow smile spread across his face. “That’s what I’m counting on.”
* * *
“Thank you again for including me in your gift basket drive,” Lainie said as she and the other women climbed into Hannah’s brand-new minivan.
“Yes, thank you,” Jessica said with a nod. “I’ve been so excited for this and the feeling it brings, knowing that I’m going to be helping others in need. Especially, during the holidays when a family’s financial strain weighs so much more heavily on them. As someone who was once a young, single mother without a career to fall back on, I know firsthand what it feels like to struggle to make ends meet,” she stated. They had done so before her husband’s life insurance and other monies had been released to her after his passing. Her husband had been good with finances, and while they weren’t wealthy now, they were able to live a comfortable life.
Lainie couldn’t imagine what it would have been like to raise a child in that situation. Will had always had a secure job with a generous income. They’d never had to struggle to put food on the table. She had to admire Jessica for surviving her hardships and persevering in spite of them and to come out of it all such a positive, happy person. It was no wonder Justin was so taken with her.
“Hannah and I are thrilled to have you both be a part of this,” Autumn said as she settled into the front passenger seat, clutching her copy of the list of businesses they were to pick baskets up from.
Hannah settled behind the wheel. “And it will help us get all the baskets collected far quicker than it would have if it were just Autumn and I.”
As Lainie took a seat behind Autumn and reached for her seat belt, she caught sight of Jackson’s truck and her heart gave a foolish little lurch. Why couldn’t she put her thoughts of him back into the friend zone where they had once been? Maybe because of the kiss they’d almost shared when they were putting up the Christmas tree.
“Would you like to go say hello before we leave?”
She turned to find all three women watching her, smiles on their faces. She didn’t have to ask who Hannah was referring to. She knew. “I’ll see Jackson w
hen we get back. He’s going to be giving Lucas more riding lessons today and then take us home.”
“Garrett’s really happy to see the two of you spending so much time together,” Hannah said as they pulled away from Emma and Grady’s place.
“I think Emma’s pretty happy about it, too,” Autumn chimed in.
Just what she was afraid of. “Don’t read anything more than friendship into it,” Lainie told them. “I’m not looking for a relationship. I have my son to think of.”
“Exactly why you should keep the option open,” Autumn told her. “He’s so good with Lucas. And I’ve seen the smile that comes to your face every time Jackson looks your way.”
“Jackson has been so good to us, but I can assure you nothing is going to come of the time we spend together other than friendship,” she told them.
“I thought that, too,” Jessica mumbled. “And then your brother came into my life.”
Lainie’s head snapped around, her gaze focusing on the smiling young woman beside her. “Things are getting serious with my brother?”
“We’re not looking to walk down the aisle or anything,” she replied. “But he’s a very special man. And my son likes him, which was the most important factor in my decision as to whether or not to see Justin again.”
“My brother is a good man,” Lainie acknowledged without hesitation. “And he’s so good with Lucas.”
“With Blue, too,” Autumn interjected. “But then I think it’s more his shiny sheriff’s star badge that draws her to him.”
“Same here,” Jessica said, a soft giggle following.
Lainie debated expressing her concerns but decided she should for Dustin’s sake. “My brother can be a workaholic at times. He’s very committed to his job.”
“That’s what I admire about him,” Jessica said almost dreamily. “I understand that type of commitment. I’m the same way with my nursing career and wanting to help others. Sometimes, actually most of the time, at the cost of our own personal lives. It’s hard to date someone who doesn’t appreciate the changing shifts and sometimes long hours. But your brother understands that.”