“Let’s go for a walk,” David suggested, and he took Benjamin’s hand, picking up his book before leading him down the trail, deeper into the woods. “I was hoping we could talk, but I figured with a day as nice as this that the kids would be down to swim.”
“Okay,” Benjamin said lightly, and David smiled to himself, glad to hear Benjamin’s happiness. They continued down the trail, the wooded area becoming thicker, until they came to an area where a large tree had toppled in the storm, creating a sunny clearing. Already, smaller plants were rising toward the sun. David jumped up on the fallen tree, walking its entire length before he turned back and sat next to Benjamin. “You wanted to talk,” Benjamin said, but David leaned close and cupped Benjamin’s head in his hand, sliding his fingers through Benjamin’s luxurious, thick dark hair. David gently kissed Benjamin’s soft, rich lips. He knew he needed to be careful even as his body screamed for more. Benjamin seemed to sense that and pressed hard, deepening the kiss, and soon David started exploring Benjamin’s mouth with his tongue while he worked a hand under Benjamin’s shirt, flicking a nipple with his thumb. Benjamin moaned and arched his back. David held him steady and kept kissing him. He loved every taste, touch, and sound when they kissed. Benjamin threw himself into every bit of it.
David gentled the kiss very slowly, savoring each second before finally tugging on Benjamin’s lower lip as he pulled away. Benjamin threw his arms around him, and David held his Benjamin for as long as he wanted to be held.
“You wanted to talk,” Benjamin said again, without moving away.
“I’m worried about you,” David whispered. He didn’t want to break the spell, so he spoke as gently and softly as he could.
“I know, and I’m sorry. I’ve been so gloomy lately,” Benjamin said.
“Gloomy?” David asked.
“I heard it on a television when I was in town with Papa. He didn’t know I was watching it or he’d have been mad. But I thought it was funny. Those people in the television are really dope.” David couldn’t help laughing at Benjamin’s choice of words. “Did I get it right?”
“Yes, you did,” David said with a chuckle that quickly died away. “I love you,” David said, holding him tighter. “I love how you feel in my arms and how easily you can make me laugh.”
“I love how you hold me and make me feel safe.” Benjamin sat back, and they faced each other. “I used to only feel this safe when I was in the community. For a long time, I never went into town with Papa because I didn’t like being around all the English. They scared me, and I didn’t feel safe. I’d heard stories from other people about how the English were out to change us and make us like them, and how important it was for us to remain separate. They told stories of how bad the English world was, but they never told us about soda or television or the people who helped Papa last winter when he was sick. They didn’t tell us about how easy it was to go somewhere when you rode in a car. They always said that our way was the best, and I believed it. But maybe our ways aren’t better—just different. They work for us, and that’s okay. English ways work for you, and that’s okay too.”
“What are you saying?” David asked.
“That maybe what I’ve been told isn’t always right, just right for the person telling the story. So, if they were wrong about the English or didn’t really know about the English, then maybe they’re wrong about me and don’t really know what God wants.”
“So you’re okay with being gay?” David asked, and Benjamin nodded.
“I went to church with my family like I always do, and a man and woman were called up to answer to the congregation because one of their children had been picking on a neighbor’s little girl because she has light hair like yours.” Benjamin reached out and lightly stroked David’s hair. “The minister told the congregation that God made the bird to look like a bird and the horse to look like a horse. They each have their own function, and the Lord declared them good.” Benjamin wiped a tear from his eye. “So I thought that if God could create different horses and birds and pigs and chickens, then why wouldn’t he create different people?” Benjamin began talking faster. “So if he created different kinds of people, then, like the girl with the gold hair, why would he make me like this if it was wrong?”
“He didn’t, because it isn’t wrong. It’s like Galileo—he was right, and everyone else was wrong.” David couldn’t help pulling Benjamin into a hug. This guy was so smart it sometimes blew David away.
“I haven’t figured out everything else yet, but I don’t feel as pulled every which way anymore. I can be myself and I don’t feel bad about not telling them.” He motioned in the direction of his home. “They’ll never understand because they don’t want to understand.”
David agreed and showed it with a smile. “But it is hard to turn your back on what you’ve been taught all your life.”
“I’m not. I’m just questioning some of it,” Benjamin said, and David kissed him again. In school, he’d done some research and written papers about the Amish, so he knew how important community and shared values were to them. He also realized the huge step Benjamin was taking. “What is it?” Benjamin asked. David realized he’d stopped moving and was simply staring blankly.
“I’m not pushing you into anything, am I?” David asked, afraid he was pressing Benjamin to do things and decide things he wasn’t ready for.
“No, Davey,” Benjamin said indulgently. “Just because I’m Amish doesn’t mean I’m not able to make up my own mind or think for myself. Granted, the ‘thinking for myself’ part is kind of new, but I rather like it. I like being able to make my own decisions and weigh whether what I believe is right or wrong instead of letting others tell me what to think.”
“So you’re okay?” David asked with relief. “Because you really had me worried for a while.” David grinned, tugging Benjamin into a hug and then another kiss. This time he didn’t stop, holding Benjamin in his arms while he tugged his shirt up his chest.
“Davey,” Benjamin whispered urgently, and David sucked lightly on a small, pebbled, pink nipple. The sun warmed them, and David tugged off Benjamin’s shirt before licking and tasting his skin. He desperately wanted to know what Benjamin tasted and smelled like everywhere. “We shouldn’t,” Benjamin gasped as his entire body shook with tiny vibrations that sent a wave of desire through David. He stopped and peered deeply into Benjamin’s eyes. He saw desire and want, but there was also caution and timidity, so David gentled his touch. After he tugged off his own shirt, he pulled Benjamin close and just held him, skin to skin, lightly stroking Benjamin’s skin. That was enough for now. He would go as slow or as fast as Benjamin wanted. There was no rush. Right now, as the shade from the surrounding trees shifted and enveloped them, they had all the time in the world. No one was around, and they had time for just the two of them.
“When do you need to be back?” David asked before lightly sucking on Benjamin’s ear.
“I have time. The harvest hasn’t quite begun yet, so there aren’t as many chores as there will be in a few weeks. I’ll be fine until late this afternoon, when I have to feed and take care of the animals,” Benjamin said, leaning back. David closed his eyes and impressed each and every sensation on his memory. He never wanted to forget what this felt like.
“You aren’t disappointed that I’m not ready to… you know?” Benjamin asked, lolling his dark head back against David’s shoulder.
“No. Just being here with you is enough.” David lightly kissed Benjamin’s shoulder. “I’ve heard guys talking at school about having sex. They go on and on, bragging about how they bagged this girl or that girl.”
“Bagged? What does that mean? It sounds awful,” Benjamin said.
“It means that they had sex with a girl just to have sex with her. They didn’t necessarily care for her, and sometimes they weren’t even nice to her afterward. She was just some girl to have sex with and then brag about to the other guys later,” David explained. “I’ve told you about my frien
ds Lynn and Carol. Well, this guy Will got Carol to go out with him before I knew her, and she thought he really liked her, but he was just playing her to get sex. He bragged about it to everyone who would listen, and, of course, Carol was really hurt.”
“Didn’t she have a father and brothers to protect her?” Benjamin asked and then went on. “Is this one of those English and Amish differences?”
David held Benjamin tighter, adjusting things slightly for added comfort. “If her father had found out, he probably would have killed Will, but Carol kept it from him and didn’t say anything.”
“So are you trying to bag me?”
“No. That’s my point. It hurt Carol deeply to be treated like that, and I’d never try to have sex with you just because it was what I wanted. Being with you, holding you like this, is enough. And when you’re ready I’ll be happy to try to show you what it means to express love physically. My mom said it’s the most amazing thing in the world when two people truly love one another, and I believe her. Since my dad died, she hasn’t dated or even talked about seeing anyone else. She really loved him, and I don’t think, even after almost four years, that she could bring herself to see someone else.”
“Would it hurt you if she did?” Benjamin asked.
“I don’t know. If he was good to my mom, I’d be okay with it. But I’m not really looking forward to having a stepfather. I like it being just my mom and me. She’s been so supportive and understanding. If you wanted to talk to her, I know she’d listen.”
Benjamin shook his head. “I don’t know if I can talk to anyone else about this.”
“I was just offering, in case you wanted someone else to talk with,” David said. He wished Benjamin would agree to talk to an adult. David worried constantly that he was giving Benjamin the wrong advice, but he knew better than to push. Sometimes Benjamin needed to arrive at things himself.
They lapsed into silence, with David just holding Benjamin. He closed his eyes and let the sound of the woods accompany his happiness.
“Do you ever wish things could always be like this?” Benjamin asked after a while.
“Yes, I do. But they can’t, I know that.” David sighed and let his hands wander over Benjamin’s smooth stomach and chest. He heard Benjamin give a small contented moan.
The two of them sat together, holding one another and talking softly.
“Look,” Benjamin said, quietly turning his head toward the far side of the clearing. A deer had wandered out of the trees and stood still, staring at them. Neither Benjamin nor David moved; they simply stared back, watching as the deer continued looking at them before lowering its head to feed. The wind must have been coming from just the right direction, because for at least ten minutes it paid them little attention. Then a breeze came up, and it lifted its head, sniffed the wind, and took off into the trees. “That was beautiful,” Benjamin said, and David nodded.
“It was very special,” David murmured, “and so are you.” He kissed Benjamin’s cheek before lightly nuzzling the base of his neck.
Benjamin began to shift. “I better get back to my chores or Papa will be mad. He knows I was coming to see you, and if I’m late getting back, he won’t be happy.” Benjamin moved out of David’s arms and pulled on his shirt. David tugged on his own shirt and looked around the clearing. There was no sign of the deer and it was like it had never been there, but he knew it had, and they’d been able to share something David knew was special.
“Winter will be coming soon,” David said sadly, and Benjamin nodded—they both knew what that meant: they wouldn’t be coming to the creek. It was often too slippery and dangerous. “My mother has offered to have you come to dinner. Maybe this winter you could do that. Then at least we could see one another.”
“I don’t know, but I’ll see what Papa has to say.” With the mention of his father, Benjamin’s expression turned sad. “He wants me to be baptized soon and he keeps hinting that I should start courting in the next little while,” Benjamin said. “I don’t want to court anyone but you, and I don’t think I can make believe with a girl. There are none I really like….”
“Don’t worry about things until they happen.” David’s heart sank at the thought of Benjamin disappearing into Amish society with a wife his father picked out for him. The image of Benjamin with anyone else was enough to get his blood boiling, but he needed to remain calm. “Just take your time and tell your father you aren’t ready to make that decision yet.”
“I shouldn’t have to until next spring or summer because of Rumspringa, but he’s already talking about it.” Benjamin moved into David’s arms, and they exchanged a deep hug before kissing hard. Then Benjamin stepped away, and they walked down the path along the creek. At the fork, David said good-bye to Benjamin and began walking across the field.
After taking a few steps, he turned and saw Benjamin between the trees, staring at him. David waved, and Benjamin returned the gesture before disappearing from view. David turned and hurried to reach the house before his mother came home. He still had chores to do, and there would be hell to pay if they weren’t done. Summer was waning, though, and there wouldn’t be many days left where he could see Benjamin. And he wanted, no, needed, to make the most of it.
Chapter 12
“YOU miss Benjamin, don’t you?” his mother asked, as David stared out the window, watching the snow come down. “I’ve told you to invite him to dinner,” his mother said as she came up behind him. “Benjamin is more than a friend to you, isn’t he?”
“Mom…,” David protested.
“Please, I’m not blind. I see the way you light up when you talk about him. Does he know how you feel?” she asked softly, and David turned away from the glass to face her.
“Yes, he does,” David answered a bit nervously. If his mother could put things together, then maybe Benjamin’s family could too, and who knew what would happen then.
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” his mother asked, and David’s temper rose, his body stiffening. “Don’t think about getting short with me. I’m not questioning your feelings. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Benjamin would never hurt me,” David said with conviction.
“Maybe not, but he may not have much say in the matter. You know he can’t be gay and Amish. They won’t accept him, and eventually, he’s going to have to make a choice.” She touched his shoulder gently. “I know how you feel—I felt the same way about your father. His family didn’t want him to marry me. His mother didn’t think I was good enough for her little boy and the old bat hated me until the day she died, and for a period of time, he and I broke up.”
“I didn’t know that,” David said, and his mother nodded.
“Hardest two months of my life until I lost him for good. But he finally stood up to his family and told them to take a hike. Then he stood outside my window with a huge bunch of flowers and begged me to take him back.”
“It worked out for you,” David challenged.
“I know, and I hope it does for you, too, but you’re young, and so is he.” She moved closer and hugged him. “I want you to be happy, but I’m worried, okay? It’s a mother’s prerogative.”
“I know. You’ve said so many times.”
“Smartass,” she told him, swatting David on the behind before he could get away. “Come into the kitchen and set the table. Lunch will be ready in a few minutes, and we’re not eating in front of the idiot box.” She turned and left the room, and David followed her and went to get the silverware to set the table.
THE late January snow seemed to continue for days. Not heavy, but continuous lake-effect snow. By the time it stopped, David was so ready to see the sun he could hardly stand it. There was no way they could meet by the creek, there was just too much snow, so David decided to take a chance and wander across the street. He bundled up and crossed the road before walking to the buggy drive. He got about halfway down it before he noticed how utterly quiet it was. No one was out and about,
and there were very few tracks in the snow. Those he saw went from houses to barns, but that was it. Everyone must have hunkered down because of the weather.
He’d almost reached Benjamin’s house when the front door opened and Benjamin stepped out, hurrying toward him. “Is something wrong?” Benjamin looked half ready to spring into action.
“No,” David said, shoving his gloved hands into his pockets to give him something to do with them. “I came over to see if you could do something.” He wasn’t sure how to ask what he wanted to ask without getting Benjamin in trouble. “I’ve been moping around the house because of the snow for days, and my mother wanted me to ask you if you could join us for dinner tomorrow night.” David knew that for most people this wouldn’t be a big deal, but for Benjamin, and more accurately Benjamin’s family, this would be a huge step that they might not let Benjamin take.
“I think I’d like that,” Benjamin said. He began walking out toward the road, and David followed. He longed to kiss and touch him, but pushed those thoughts away. He couldn’t do that here. “I asked Papa about the possibility when you asked me a while ago, but he wasn’t happy about it and that’s why I couldn’t come. I think he’s afraid I’m becoming too English.”
David tilted his head to the side. “Then how do you know you can come now?”
“Mama told him it was only dinner and everyone locked up in the house was making her crazy, so he said it was okay as long as I got a proper invitation.” Benjamin smiled. “And you did that. What time should I come over?”
“Dinner is usually at six, but you can come once you have your chores done. Mom says we’ll adjust the mealtime so you don’t get in trouble.”
“Okay,” Benjamin agreed. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” They reached the road, and Benjamin smiled and said good-bye. David crossed the road, walking the rest of the way home with his feet barely touching the ground. Yes, his mother was going to be there, so they wouldn’t be able to do anything other than talk, but Benjamin would be there with him, and that was enough for now. He wished there was some way they could spend time alone together, but that wasn’t possible.
By the Creek Page 10