By the Creek

  “So.” David humphed softly. “As I said, you have a decision to make, and I wish I could help you, but I can’t. This has to be all about what you want.” Benjamin nodded, and David saw doubt and fear flood across his eyes. “I know you aren’t used to making decisions, and this is a big one. Your father has made them for you for almost your entire life, just like my mom has helped me make most of mine. But you have to make this one on your own.” David so wanted to tell Benjamin what to do, to leave his family behind and be with him. That they’d figure out what they were going to do together.

  “How will I live away from my family?” Benjamin asked. “I don’t have anything.”

  “I don’t know, but I’ll be here to help you if that’s what you decide.” David wished he had a better answer, one that didn’t sound so lame, but that was all he had. “I love you, Benjamin, and while I know that doesn’t stand up to years in a community of people, I want you to know that whatever you decide, I won’t turn my back on you. I’ll always love you, and I’ll always be your friend.” David couldn’t take it any longer and he buried his head in Benjamin’s neck as the tears came.

  “I’ll always love you too,” Benjamin said, and they held each other tight without saying much more. David couldn’t think of anything else to say, so they held each other for a short while. “I have to get home or Papa will be angry.”

  The fear he heard in Benjamin’s voice had David’s anger rising again. Benjamin wouldn’t say what had happened, but that didn’t mean that David’s imagination couldn’t take over, and God, he hoped what he was imagining was vastly overblown. “I know,” David said without releasing Benjamin, who tilted his face upward, and David kissed him hard. “Let me know what you decide.” David kissed Benjamin once again, pouring every ounce of love, passion, caring, and soul-deep need he had into that one kiss. Then he stepped back, his lips still tingling as Benjamin walked down the path. David waited until he could neither see nor hear him before he gathered up his things and sat down to read his book. While he was sure he’d made it across the field without being spotted, he’d have to walk back in full view, so he wanted to give Benjamin as much time to get home as possible.

  After trying to read for a while, David closed the book, not remembering a single thing, and left the clearing to head home. He didn’t take the direct route, but walked along the far edge and then turned toward home once he was behind the house.

  He walked inside. Everything was quiet, and David put his things away before lying down for a few hours before he had to go into work. He tried to sleep, but couldn’t, thoughts of Benjamin running through his mind. David knew that today could very well be the last time he ever saw Benjamin. David pondered Benjamin’s decision over and over in his mind, trying to figure out what he’d decide, and he kept coming back to the fact that he didn’t know, either.

  The worst thing for David was that whatever Benjamin decided, David might never know. If Benjamin decided to stay in the community, he might send David a note, but most likely he would hear nothing at all.

  LATER that day, David went to work, doing his best to keep his mind busy. Lynn met him during his break, and he told her about meeting Benjamin and what they’d talked about.

  “I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes,” Lynn told David softly.

  “Me neither,” Carol agreed as she stopped briefly to chat and listen before moving on to her tables. After eating, David said good-bye to Lynn and went back to work. He’d hoped a chat with his friends would help, but it hadn’t. They’d only confirmed what David already thought: it would be very hard for anyone to leave behind everything they had known for their entire life.

  Late in the evening, after his shift ended, David drove home to find his mother waiting for him. “What happened?”

  “Benjamin’s father’s been hitting him. I asked and he didn’t answer, but I could tell by the fear in his eyes,” David said to shock his mother. And it worked, because she gasped and placed her hand over her open mouth.

  “What’s he going to do?”

  “I don’t know, Mom. Benjamin has to decide what he wants, and I tried to explain things to him, but I’m not sure I did a very good job.”

  “Did you speak from your heart?” his mother asked.

  “Yeah,” he answered tentatively.

  “Then you did your best,” she told him. “Did you talk about what would happen if he decided to leave?”

  “A little, but I didn’t know what to say about that.” David knew what he wanted to ask, but….

  “And what does your heart say about that” she asked, and David smiled, instantly hugging her for all he was worth. “Thanks, Mom,” he told her, and she stroked his head.

  “You know there’s no way I could allow that sweet boy to be alone.” He heard the hitch in his mother’s voice. “Of course we’ll take him in if it comes to that. Any mother or father who could turn their back on their own child because he said he was gay doesn’t deserve a boy as wonderful as Benjamin.” His mother hugged him back and then released him. David saw her turn away, looking out the back window as she wiped her eyes with a tissue. “You’ll have to clean out the extra bedroom of all the boxes of stuff.”

  “I thought he’d….”

  His mother’s posture stiffened, and she turned around. “Don’t even think about it. If he comes to stay here, he’ll have his own room and be able to choose what he wants as far as a relationship with anyone.” Her expression softened. “I’m not saying you don’t love him and that he doesn’t love you, but you need to give him space.” She leaned back against the counter. “If Benjamin decides to leave the Amish community, and if he decides to come live with us—and those are both really big ifs—then he’s earned the right to make his own decisions, and that includes decisions around a relationship with you.”

  David knew she was right and he hadn’t thought much beyond what he wanted if Benjamin chose him. “Maybe we could have a rummage sale and sell off what we don’t need?” David offered. There were boxes in that room that they hadn’t opened from the move two years earlier.

  “Yes. But first we need to let Benjamin make his decision, and all we can do is wait,” his mother cautioned.

  David knew she was right, but the waiting was going to be impossible.

  DAYS came and went. David kept checking the front and garage doors for a note from Benjamin, but none came. He worked and signed up for fall classes at the community college. Both David and his mother had talked about him going away to school, but they decided that for the first two years, which were mostly general education, David would get more out of the community college, with its smaller class sizes and personalized attention. It would also save a great deal of money and allow David to continue to save so he wouldn’t have to go so deep into debt. Every day he checked, hoping to hear something, and every day there was silence. David continued watching for Benjamin when he drove by, but never saw him.

  Slowly, day by day, the hope that had welled in David’s heart waned a little more than the day before. As June turned to July, David began to accept that Benjamin had indeed made his decision and that he wasn’t likely to hear from or see him again. One hot, sunny afternoon, David walked to the end of the drive and then down the street. He stopped in line with Benjamin’s family’s house, visible on the far side of the field. He told Benjamin good-bye and wished him a full and healthy life. “I’ll always love you,” he whispered. “I told you I’d always love you and would always be your friend. I meant it. Be happy—that’s all I want for you.” David watched the house for a few minutes before turning away and walking back home, his heart aching with each step.

  Chapter 16

  DAVID existed on autopilot most of the time. His mother tried to snap him out of it, but he didn’t care. Lynn and Carol tried as well. David tried, he honestly did, but nothing could make him really want to get out of bed or get excited about anything. He and his mother were planning their summer vacation. After debating where to go, t
hey’d settled on New England. David was looking forward to going away, but that was the only idea that seemed to appeal to him. “If you mope the entire time we’re gone, I’m going to leave you in one of the hotels,” his mother had threatened lightly, and David had agreed to try to snap out of his funk.

  “David,” his mother called from the living room, and he got up off his bed and turned off his music before shuffling down the hall. “There’s someone here to see you,” she said with a grin. As he turned the corner, he saw Benjamin standing nervously by the front door. The bags under his eyes and the slump in his shoulders told David that Benjamin hadn’t slept well in a long time. David could hardly believe his eyes. Benjamin looked amazingly beautiful to him, though, and he rushed to him, tugging him into a hug so hard he felt Benjamin’s feet leave the floor.

  “You had me so scared,” David said before kissing Benjamin hard. He didn’t care if his mother saw them—nothing mattered except Benjamin. “I thought you’d decided to stay, and I was trying to figure out how I was going to get along without you.” David stilled, stepped back, and looked into Benjamin’s eyes. “You have decided? You did decide? I mean, what did you decide?” David stumbled over his words in his excitement, but Benjamin’s pain stopped him in his tracks.

  “Let him breathe, David,” his mother said, and David nodded, guiding Benjamin in so he could sit down. David wanted to keep Benjamin close enough to touch, and thankfully Benjamin sat on the sofa, so David could sit right next to him.

  “I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I can’t stay there any longer,” Benjamin explained. When David took his hand, he saw Benjamin wince.

  “What happened?” David asked, and Benjamin grabbed his wrist.

  “Papa,” Benjamin began, and his voice broke. David held him while Benjamin went to pieces in his arms. “Papa didn’t want to let me go. He held me, and I pulled away. I didn’t know where else to go, but I can’t stay there.”

  David peered over Benjamin’s shoulder to his mother, who looked as worried and concerned as David. “Can you move it?” David asked, and Benjamin nodded.

  “What happened?” David asked softly, like he was afraid to spook Benjamin.

  “What you said in the clearing really stayed with me, and I knew you were right. I had to decide, so I chose to stay. But every day things got worse and worse. I didn’t want to obey Papa anymore. I couldn’t just do what he wanted without question.” Benjamin’s voice faltered, and David’s mother got him a drink of water. “I thought things would return to the way they were, but they can’t. Papa, Mama, and everyone in the community are the same as they’ve always been, but I’m not. They’re happy with the way things are, and I know I can’t be. I thought I could ignore what I was feeling, but it wouldn’t stop. Papa thought he could beat and punish it out of me, but he couldn’t.”

  “I knew he’d been hitting you,” David said.

  “But it’s his right as head of the house to…,” Benjamin began, and David gathered him into his arms again.

  “No one has the right to hit you, ever. You have the right to think and feel what you like. I know God gave you that, and it’s wrong for your father and anyone else to try to take it away.” Benjamin shook in David’s arms. “You’re too precious to be hit.” Even as he comforted Benjamin, David seethed with anger.

  “What am I going to do?” Benjamin asked, and David’s anger melted in the face of Benjamin’s deeper pain.

  “You’re going to stay here. Mom and I talked it over a while ago, and we’re going to clean out the extra bedroom for you. This will be your home, here with me,” David said. “I told you I’d love you and be your friend forever, and I meant it.”

  Benjamin sat up, his face a mess. “I can’t ask you to do that,” Benjamin said. “I’m….”

  “You didn’t ask,” David’s mother said. “Now, have you had anything to eat?” Benjamin shook his head, and she seemed to spring into action. Within a short time, she brought Benjamin a full plate of food. She set the plate on the coffee table and then left the room, returning a few minutes later with two cans of Coke and handing one to each of them. “Go ahead and eat, honey. I’ll get David’s room ready for you to use.”

  “I can’t do that,” Benjamin said after he swallowed what he was chewing.

  “Yes, you can. You’re exhausted, so finish eating and I’ll show you where everything is,” David said. “I’ll sleep on the sofa, and tomorrow we’ll get that room cleaned out.” David’s mother was already in his room. Sure enough, within minutes she carried out his sheets in a wad.

  “But what will I sleep on?” Benjamin sounded almost fearful.

  “Hey, don’t worry about anything. What would happen if something like this happened in the community?” David asked.

  “Well, everyone would get together and contribute what they had, or they’d arrange to build whatever was needed,” Benjamin answered between bites. “But that’s how the community works. Everyone helps everyone else.”

  David wanted to snipe that they hadn’t helped Benjamin, but he kept that to himself. “Well, I have a community too.” David stood up and retrieved his phone from the counter, then sat back down on the sofa.

  David watched Benjamin eat before dialing the familiar number. “Lynn, it’s David,” he said. “Benjamin’s here with me.” The squeal in his ear was nearly deafening. “The thing is, he had to leave the community and he has nothing. He’s going to use the spare bedroom, but—” David didn’t get the rest of his sentence out.

  “Is he staying?” she asked gruffly. “Because I’m not putting up with another two months of you moping and nursing a broken heart.”

  “He’s going to be staying in the extra bedroom, but like I said, he doesn’t have anything,” David explained excitedly. “I was hoping you might see—”

  “We have plenty. Mom never throws anything away,” Lynn finished for him. “I’ll make some calls and get back to you, probably tomorrow. How is he doing?”

  David looked at Benjamin. “As well as can be expected, I guess,” David said, knowing Benjamin wouldn’t want to be talked about.

  “I’ll call Carol and some other people. You take care of him, and I’ll be over tomorrow. I can’t wait to meet him.” Lynn was gone before David could say anything else, and he ended up staring at a dead phone.

  “That was one of my friends,” David explained to Benjamin, who looked at him questioningly. “She said she’ll be over tomorrow. She wants to meet you.”

  Benjamin looked at David like he was crazy. “But she’s a girl. You’re friends with a girl?”

  “I’m friends with lots of girls. I’ve sort of figured out that when you’re gay, like us, we tend to make friends with girls. Don’t know why, but that’s the way it seems to work. Anyway, Lynn and Carol are the closest friends I have. They’re like my sisters… sort of. You’ll meet both of them, I’m sure.” David picked up Benjamin’s empty plate and carried it to the kitchen. When he returned, Benjamin stared back at him with “deer in headlights” eyes.

  “I don’t know what to expect about anything,” Benjamin told him, and David nodded, sitting down on the sofa and taking his hand.

  “I know. Things are going to be different for you, and a lot of things will come as a shock, but I’m here and so is Mom. If you have questions, ask us. We’ll be glad to help you.” David yawned, and Benjamin followed right behind. “Come on, I’ll show you where you’re sleeping.”

  Benjamin nodded and followed David down the hall to his room. He stepped inside and looked around. David did the same and wished he’d cleaned up before bringing Benjamin in here. His mother had already picked up some, and the room wasn’t dirty, but his desk and dresser were piled with stuff. “Are these your gods?” Benjamin asked, pointing at the posters on the walls.

  David laughed. “No. Those are just movie posters.” David followed Benjamin’s gaze. “Have you ever been to the movies?” Benjamin shook his head. “Maybe we could go and you can see what it�
��s like. It’ll be fun.” Benjamin nodded and then turned toward him, looking completely lost. “It’ll be okay. We’ll take things one step at a time. Right now, you need to rest.”

  “Okay,” Benjamin said, and David stepped toward him, giving him a light kiss. He then showed Benjamin where the bathroom was and laid out some things for him to use. Then he left Benjamin in the bathroom. He returned to his room and found some pajamas Benjamin could use if he wanted.

  David returned to the living room to make up the sofa for himself to use and found his mother waiting for him.

  “You know this is going to be very difficult for him,” she whispered. “He’s lost everything he ever knew, and I’m afraid he did a lot of what he did because of you. That’s a lot of responsibility to put on anyone.”

  “I know, Mom.” David sat in the closest chair, turning his head when he heard Benjamin walk across the hall. “But his father was hitting him and he wasn’t happy.”

  “I’m not saying you were wrong or that he made the wrong decision. I just want you to realize that Benjamin is another human being. He’d not a pet project or a toy you can tire of and put in a box. He’s going to need you for quite a while.” She moved closer to him. “You’re young, and so is he. I know you love him, but what happens if those feelings change for either of you? He has no place else to go right now.” She sat back, and David let the weight of what he’d done settle on his shoulders. “You’re a caring, loving person, but he’s going to need a lot of help to find his way, and it may take him a long time to do it.”

  David nodded. “If he’s ever able to do it,” David admitted, and his mother’s eyes widened in surprise. “I’ve done lots of research during the last year. I know that a lot of Amish people who leave eventually return because the outside world is too much for them and they don’t feel like they have the community support they’re used to. Like I said, I’ve read a lot. I don’t know firsthand what he’s going through, but I’ll do my best to help him.”