by KD Ellis
“Yeah. Tell me about it. She could have at least fucking told me. All this time, letting me talk and talk about my surgery, letting me think that there was actually a chance of me getting to be me.” Teddy jerked to his feet and crossed to his closet, tugging it open. “Might as well get rid of all of this shit. No point in being a boy with boobs.” He grabbed a handful of his clothes and started angrily stripping them off hangers, letting them fall haphazardly to the floor. He knew he was being over-dramatic and that he should stop and find a solution that didn’t involve him devolving into a dysphoric mess on his bedroom floor, but if he stopped, he was going to start thinking, and if he started thinking, he’d start feeling—and that would hurt.
It wasn’t even that he would have to postpone his surgery that hurt, though he had to admit it was frustrating, but he’d been living like this for six years. Another few wouldn’t kill him. He was stronger than that. What hurt was that his mother, who had promised and promised to support him, who had told him over and over that she loved him and that she wanted what was best for him, had betrayed him, had stolen from him not once, or twice, but dozens of times over the past half-dozen years.
“Teddy, stop.” Shiloh tugged him back from the closet. He couldn’t see the clothing anymore, not through the haze of tears blurring his eyes. “Teddy, it’ll be fine. You’re just working yourself up now. Come on. Breathe with me.”
“I don’t want to breathe!” Teddy couldn’t stop his outburst. “You can’t say it’s going to be fine. I don’t have seventy thousand dollars just…just sitting around, and I can’t go to my daddy and ask for more. That money was all I had. You don’t understand.”
He registered the frozen, pained look on Shiloh’s face immediately and horror bloomed in his chest. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I shouldn’t have said that.”
Shiloh shrugged, the motion stiff. Teddy, more than anyone, knew that Shiloh didn’t have an easy life, even if his problems were rarely about money.
“Whatever.” Shiloh pressed his lips together so tightly they turned white at the edges before the expression softened, hidden beneath a mask Teddy thought would never be used on him. “Do you want money, then? I can talk to my dad. It’s not like I don’t have it. He likes you. I’m sure he’d help.”
“No, Shiloh, no.” Teddy stepped forward, wanting to soothe the wound his words had caused, but Shiloh jerked back, out of reach. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I was just angry and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”
“It’s fine. I gotta go, though. Thanks for letting me stay, but my dad is probably worried.” Shiloh gave a stiff smile and started packing his duffel, shoving his clothing inside with little care. “Let me know if you change your mind. I really can help.”
“I don’t want your money,” Teddy said, shame burning him. Shiloh didn’t answer. He just carried his duffel bag downstairs and gave a halfhearted wave before heading to his car.
Teddy followed him out onto the porch, wanting to say something…anything. Wanting to take his words back, but he couldn’t. Instead, he watched Shiloh leave.
He sank down onto the porch steps and buried his face in his hands. He’d really fucked up everything.
Chapter Eight
“Hey, Teddy? Everything okay, man?”
Teddy looked up, blinking his eyes clear and shrugged. He didn’t have the energy to fake a smile, especially not for his old friend, Lucas. Lucas had seen him cry before.
“Nah, man. Not really,” Teddy admitted.
Lucas hesitated then sank onto the step beside him. “I know I haven’t been around much, but I’m still a good listener if you want to talk.”
“Not much to say. I’m an asshole.” Teddy swiped at the dampness on his cheeks, embarrassed.
“Yeah right.” Lucas bumped shoulders. “You like assholes. That doesn’t make you one. What happened?”
“I fucked up. My mom spent the money I had planned to use on my surgery and I took it out on one of my friends.” Saying it out loud didn’t help. It just reemphasized the epic mistake he’d just made.
“If he’s really your friend, he’ll understand.” Lucas shoved his hands in the pocket of his baggy pants. “Did you talk to her about it? See if she had a good reason?”
“No. I went to the bank. I feel… God, I’m so pissed, but I feel like I don’t have the right to be, you know? She used it on bills. How can I be pissed for that? But…” Teddy hunched inward. “But then I keep thinking that, you know, she used the money on bills because she kept getting fired, and that was because she couldn’t keep her hands off the bottle. And that pisses me off because I shouldn’t have to support her addiction. It’s not fair. But I know it’s a sickness. She can’t help it, you know?”
“God, man, that’s rough. I’d be fucking pissed if someone did that to me.” Lucas frowned. “What about a loan? Can you get one of those?”
“With what credit? I don’t have collateral or a credit history. They’d laugh me out of the bank. And it’s not like my mom could co-sign.”
“What about your friend? The one with the fancy car?” Lucas suggested, his face creased in thought.
“He’s the one I just stepped all over, and even if I hadn’t, I can’t ask him. He already thinks everyone is using him for money.” Teddy certainly hadn’t helped with that, either.
They sat in silence for a while, both just staring at the cracked sidewalk in front of him until Lucas jerked then nudged him excitedly in the side. “Come with me. I know someone who can help.”
Teddy stared blankly at his old friend. “You know someone…who would just lend a complete stranger thousands of dollars.”
“Yeah, my cabeza, Julian. He’s always talking about wanting to make the city a better place, and he gives out loans to people all the time. I bet he’d give you one.”
“Not exactly legal, is it?” Teddy asked. It sounded sketchy.
“Why not? It’s not like it’s hurting nobody. Just a bit of borrowing between friends.” Lucas’ smile dimmed slightly and he nudged Teddy’s shoulder again. “We’ve been friends for years, right? I know I haven’t exactly acted like one lately, but I want to help. Let me help.”
“It’s just a loan, right?” Teddy hedged after a stretch of awkward silence.
“Yeah, just a loan.”
* * * *
Teddy wasn’t happy about it, but in the end, after a couple days of arguing with himself, he agreed to go meet Lucas’ so-called-friend, Julian. The man wasn’t as old as Teddy expected, only in his late twenties, and Teddy couldn’t help but wonder how a man that young had enough money floating around to hand out loans left and right.
Fortunately, Julian seemed nice enough. He laughed easily and shook Teddy’s hand readily enough, after having him sign a rather straightforward contract. “Don’t worry, compañero. Get your surgery, rest, recover. Six months, no payment, yeah? Sounds good, right?”
Teddy had to admit it sounded good. He wouldn’t be able to work for at least six weeks after his surgery. Not having to worry about making payments would be a godsend. He left the warehouse they’d met in—an odd meeting choice, but who was he to judge?—and headed home, in a better mood than he’d been all week. He didn’t even care that it was pouring rain, plastering his sweater to his sticky skin.
He was surprised to see a small figure huddled on his porch, a hood pulled up over his head to keep him dry, though he doubted it helped much. Teddy stopped at the foot of his stairs. He and Shiloh stared at each other for a few moments, neither willing to break the silence.
“Do you want to come inside?” Teddy finally offered, climbing the steps. He unlocked the door and held it open.
Shiloh was shivering as he followed. It wasn’t that cold, at least not in Teddy’s mind, but he didn’t really know how long Shiloh had been waiting, so he supposed, if he had been out there a while, that he was chilled from the rain.
“I’ll get you a towel,” Teddy offered, leaving Shiloh in the entryway to
grab one from the downstairs bathroom. He brought it out and passed it over.
“Where were you?” Shiloh asked, tugging his hood down to run the towel vigorously over his hair.
“I got a loan for my surgery,” Teddy said. “I was just signing the papers.”
Shiloh’s hands slowed in his hair for a moment. Teddy wished he could see his face to read his expression but the towel blocked it. “That’s…that’s good, I guess? Did you get good interest rates?”
Teddy shrugged. “I think so.” He wasn’t actually sure. Financial things weren’t his strong suit, but a six percent interest rate seemed low. The banks he’d looked at all spoke of interest rates upwards of ten, so it had to be good.
Shiloh lowered the towel and shook the last few drops of water from his hair. Teddy got his first glimpse of Shiloh’s face and cringed.
A dark, black bruise darkened Shiloh’s left eye, turning purple over his cheekbone, and his lower lip was split—like someone had bit it, hard.
“What the hell happened?” He reached out to grab Shiloh’s arm, keeping him still for him to look him over, but Shiloh jerked back.
“Nothing. Had a bit of an accident, no big deal. That’s not why I came here, anyway. I just…I wanted to make sure you were okay…after everything. I left a bit abruptly last time and…I wanted to make sure you knew I wasn’t mad at you.”
“It was my fault.” Teddy shrugged the apology away, more worried about the bruises than their stupid fight anyway. “This doesn’t look like an accident. What did you do, fall face-first into a fist?”
Shiloh’s face darkened, the tendon in his jaw clenching. “I don’t want to talk about it. Leave it alone.”
“Shiloh—”
“I said no, Teddy.” Shiloh’s words were sharp, forcing Teddy to let the subject drop whether he liked it or not.
Teddy bit his lip, turning his words over in his mouth. “I’m sorry about what I said. You have every right to be mad at me. I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on you.” Teddy looked down. “I’d take it back if I could.”
“Can we just…agree to let it go?” Shiloh asked, his voice hopeful.
“Yeah, yeah. That would be great.” Teddy felt the last remaining tension in his shoulders uncoil. His strained relationship with Shiloh had been the only thing marring an otherwise-bright week. Or it had been, until Teddy had seen the bruises.
“Have you talked to your mother yet?” Shiloh asked.
Teddy shook his head. “She’s been so drunk that I wouldn’t get anything rational out of her anyway. Wanna come upstairs? I can kick your ass at Mario Kart.”
“I was gonna go to Vibe. You can come with if you want.” Shiloh twisted the hem of his sweater in his hands.
A night of dancing seemed like the perfect way to reconnect. Teddy grinned. “I have the perfect outfit.”
“Do my makeup?” Shiloh asked.
Teddy’s eyes drifted to the bruising. He nodded slowly. He wondered if he could get a picture of it before it was hidden under foundation. This wasn’t the first time Shiloh had shown up with suspicious injuries. It had happened more times than Teddy could count. He’d been trying to document them, storing the photographs in a file he’d hidden in his bottom dresser drawer. Shiloh refused to explain. He always brushed away Teddy’s concerns like they were nothing, but Teddy wasn’t stupid. He doubted they were caused by Shiloh’s dad. Mr. Beckett was controlling, but Teddy’d never seen him lift a hand in anger.
But someone was hurting Shiloh, and the injuries always coincided with Mr. Beckett’s trips out of town. Shiloh could claim they were accidents all he wanted—that he’d tripped down the stairs or walked into a door…or stemmed from a hookup gone bad—but Teddy wasn’t stupid. He was no stranger to using those same excuses, back when his father had still been alive. The only good thing the bastard had ever done for him and his mother was die.
“Come on. My mom won’t care if we borrow her makeup.”
* * * *
Later that night, Teddy closed the front door quietly and twisted the lock. Shiloh, more than a little buzzed from the shots he’d conned out of the bartender, had shoved a small wad of bills into Teddy’s hand and told him to call a taxi. His friend, despite Teddy’s protests, had gone home with a stranger.
“Boo Bear?”
Teddy froze at the sleep-mumbled words. He turned to find his mother blinking blearily at the bottom of the stairs. She was in a silk sleep set, and for once, it didn’t look rumpled or piss-stained. “Boo Bear, it’s late. Don’t you have school in the morning?” She asked, then frowned. “No, that’s not right…”
“I graduated. Remember? Oh, wait. You missed it.” Teddy clenched his fists for a second then let them uncurl. He repeated the gesture again once he found it soothing. He almost wished the smell of alcohol didn’t make him nauseated. Maybe he could make it through this conversation if he were drunk.
She frowned, frowning in confusion. “Did I? Oh, Boo, I’m sorry… I’ll make it up to you. We’ll go out for pizza.”
“Sure, with what money?” Teddy laughed coldly. “You don’t have a job, and you’ve already drained my trust fund. Oh, sorry, was I not supposed to know about that?”
His mother paled, lifting her hand to the rosary around her neck and fiddling with the beads. “I…I was going to put the money back, dear. Once we got caught up.”
“Which time? Because I went to the bank and they showed me the statements. Funny how every time you made a withdrawal, it was after you got fired from one of your jobs. And funnier still, each time you sobered up and got back to work, there was never a deposit. Not one.”
She was silent, clearly at a loss for words, and Teddy didn’t blame her. There was no excuse. Still, his anger wouldn’t let him stay silent as well. “You know if you’d have asked, I’d have given it to you. You didn’t have to steal it. How could you let me make plans when you knew… When you knew that money was gone?”
“Baby…” His mother tried to placate him but he refused to be calmed.
“I’m not a baby. I’m not your honey or your Boo Bear. I’m your son, and you should have asked me first.” Teddy’s fists curled again. Rather than strike the wall, or worse, his mother, he pushed past her and started up the stairs.
“I’ll do better, baby. I’ll get clean this time. I really will,” she promised, trailing him up to his room.
Teddy flung open his closet and dragged out his suitcase, tugging his clothes and toiletries out of drawers and stuffing them inside. His Shiloh file got stuffed down the side, where it hopefully wouldn’t get bent.
“Where are you going?” his mother asked, her voice small.
“I’m going to Shiloh’s. Then…I’ll probably get an apartment, I guess.” Teddy stilled, freaking out for a second. He’d never lived away from home. He’d always kinda anticipated his mother helping him through his recovery. The last few years, though, were proof enough that she wasn’t capable of it. He returned to packing, pushing the thought from his mind. Maybe Shiloh would help, though he hated to ask.
“Why?” Mother whined, rushing into his room and gripping his arms tightly.
“Ow, Mom!” Teddy yelped and tried to tug free as her nails, sharp and untrimmed, dug into his skin. One had bitten so deep that a small rivulet of blood streaked its way down his arm.
His mother’s grip, rather than loosening, tightened, and anger flashed across her face. “You can’t leave me. It’s not fair. I’m your mother.”
“Right now, you feel like a parasite.” Teddy tore himself free and grabbed his bag.
His mom clawed for his arm again but he avoided it. He wasn’t expecting the slap that cracked across his face, snapping his head to the side. His cheek burned where her palm connected. Tears burned in his eyes, his breath choking in his throat. It wasn’t the first time he’d been hit—his father had been fond of slapping him around—but it was the first time the hit had come from her.
He stumbled back a step, his heart in his th
roat. He watched the horror spread across her face as she realized what she’d done. She reached out for him, but he stepped back again. He wasn’t a little kid anymore, too small to defend himself, and he sure as fuck wasn’t going to be like his mom, going back to the same bad situation over and over again. He’d promised himself, when he was old enough to understand that not every dad showed his love in bruises, that when he grew up, he’d live by a ‘one-and-done’ policy.
One hit and he was done.
He brushed past her and headed for the door. Like a broken record, she trailed behind him, muttering apologies over and over.
He shut the door on the sound.
He was halfway down the sidewalk before he remembered that Shiloh was at a stranger’s. He fumbled for his phone and thumbed Shiloh’s contact until the number pulled up. He listened to it ring.
“Shiloh’s phone, hit me up later.”
Teddy cursed and ended the call without leaving a voicemail.
He glanced over his shoulder, back toward his house.
The light was on at the Romeros’.
Mama Romero didn’t ask questions. When she saw the bag flung over his shoulder, she held the door wider. “I’ll make up the guest room, dulzura.”
Chapter Nine
Ian woke to the sound of cheerful whistling coming from the kitchen downstairs, mingling with the rattling of pans. He rolled out of bed and stretched, his spine popping. He’d been working late and honestly could do with another few hours of sleep, but he had an online exam at ten and he’d have to study a bit after breakfast.
Rubbing his eyes, he didn’t bother to put on a shirt before he padded across the hall to the bathroom. His brother barely woke up early enough to run down to breakfast, so he didn’t pay much attention to the sound of the shower running until he’d already pushed open the door and gotten an eyeful of skin—long, slender limbs and lithe muscles barely hidden by the frosted glass.
He sucked in a breath, arousal stirring even as he quickly backed up, silently shutting the door before Teddy—because it was undeniably Teddy—could notice his intrusion. Heat coursed through his veins and burned his skin. He didn’t know why Teddy was there, unless he’d spent the night with Lucas, but it had been nearly a year since they’d had a sleepover. Was it still a sleepover if they were both fully grown?