Brandon blinked, returning to the present. Another time, another world. He’d long since made peace in his heart that he’d never see his brothers again. And while life was far from perfect, he no longer lived in the blackness that had surrounded him on the fateful night Gabriel found him. In the years since, he’d gone to college, gotten a job, and even had his one and only love affair, so to speak.
A slight smile crossed his lips. Charlie had been goofy and fun, but it was nothing more than two friends coming together to stave off their mutual loneliness. There’d been no grand passion, no thoughts of anything permanent between them. When Charlie told him one night as they lay in bed that he’d accepted a job in Florida, Brandon wished him well and kissed him good-bye, regretting only that he was losing a friend, not a lover.
“Who’s in here? Oh hi, Randy.” Gage Taylor stuck his head inside. “What’re you doing here?”
Brandon switched his easygoing persona back on. Never let them see how scared you are, how frightened that in an instant, your entire world could go up in flames.
“I forgot my laptop and came back inside to wait out the rain.” Brandon zipped up his backpack and headed toward the door. “I think it’s stopped. We can walk out together.”
He shut off the lights and closed the door behind him. They walked down the stairs, and as Brandon had predicted, the rain had ceased. Peeks of blue sky appeared from between the heavy clouds. He stood at the corner waiting for the light to change and surveyed the glistening, wet streets.
“Well, see you tomorrow.” Brandon stepped off the curb.
“Wait. What are you doing tonight?” Gage put a restraining hand on Brandon’s arm, and Brandon froze at his touch. Though Gage had been his mentor teacher at the school, Brandon had kept him at arm’s distance, never encouraging the friendship he knew Gage tried to build.
Without noticing Brandon’s reaction, Gage continued to speak. “The reason I ask is, I’m going to this meeting at a clinic in Red Hook. They have programs where adults help kids. Mentor them if they need help in school or an ear to listen to their problems. I was wondering if you’d want to come with me tonight. The doctor who runs it is pretty cool.” Gage dropped his hand, and they faced each other. “I think you’d be perfect.”
Brandon shifted his backpack to the other shoulder. “Why me? Not that it isn’t flattering, but we don’t know each other outside of school.”
Gage’s dark eyes pierced through Brandon. “I wanted you to have your own space and not think I was intruding on your ability to run your own classroom. But I see how you feel about these kids. It’s personal with you, like you understand them. You really want to help…they mean something to you.”
“Yes, yes they do.” Brandon swallowed against the rising lump in his throat. Gage had no idea.
“These kids need a champion. Someone like you who wants to help, judgment-free. If you were in trouble and needed help, wouldn’t you want someone there to catch you from falling, or prevent you from getting hurt?”
Those poignant words struck Brandon deep in his heart. Maybe if he’d had someone to talk to, he wouldn’t have needed to run away. At the very least, he could have talked to his foster mom and explained. Perhaps Ash and Luke had been forced to do similar things. He hoped not because no one should live with the taste of fear forever on their lips.
“Sure. I’ll be there. Give me the information.” Brandon took down the address and agreed to meet Gage there at seven that night. As he sat in the swaying subway car, Brandon smiled to himself. He’d finally made it—a dream job and another purpose now, with this mentoring program. As for the aching loneliness? Well, it was a small price to pay for what he’d done, no matter how well deserved.
Brandon had spent years debating his decision, never reaching a satisfying answer. Life stuck you with the choices you made and the consequences that were born from them. And sometimes, you had no choice at all.
Chapter Two
He missed sex. Dr. Sebastian Weber, “Tash” to his family and friends, came to that startling revelation as he surreptitiously watched the good-looking male waiter in the diner approach his table. And not simply sex for the sake of getting off. That he could find anywhere, with anyone—his own hand included. No, what he missed was hot, sweaty, screaming-down-the-walls sex with a lover who knew better than anyone else what he wanted and needed to feel loved.
He hadn’t had that in years.
Refusing to think about that now, he glanced into the dark eyes of the patient man who stood by his table waiting to take his order. “Sorry. I’ll have the French toast and scrambled eggs. You can leave the menu. I have someone joining me soon.”
The young man smiled. “Certainly, sir. Do you want your coffee now?”
“Yes, please.”
The waiter poured and left. Tash stirred in his milk, staring unseeingly into the swirling caramel depths of the coffee mug.
The diner was practically empty; only a few retirees and moms with young children sat drinking coffee and passing the time. It was off-peak for breakfast, around ten thirty on a Monday morning, and he was meeting his sister for a late breakfast. Her boss’s boyfriend had surprised him with a two week-long vacation to Paris, and subsequently, she’d found herself with unexpected time off from her job as his personal assistant. She and Tash tried to see each other at least once a week, but with her long hours and his spur-of-the-moment appointments with patients, their plans often got pushed off to once a month.
But that was as far as he’d let it go. Now that their parents were no longer snowbirds and had permanently moved to Florida, he and Val were each other’s only family in New York. And while Val had an active social life that included dates, parties, and a stream of admirers, Tash remained alone. Aside from his two cats, there had been no one to share his evenings with for far too long.
To her credit, Val refused to allow him to wallow in his self-imposed solitude, forcing him to come with her to events he’d rather miss and dinners he’d prefer not to eat. It was at the opening of a local community center that Tash had met her boss, Luke Conover, and his lover, Jordan Peterson. He drank down his coffee, wishing he could have a relationship like Jordan and Luke or Ash and Drew did, fiercely devoted and loving. Those men had been through hell with each other and had come back stronger than ever to embrace life to the fullest.
When he’d agreed to treat Jordan for a Xanax dependency, he never imagined he’d be inheriting a new social circle instead of a solitary patient undergoing treatment. Jordan came with a group of overprotective, highly involved friends, all of whom had taken Tash on as not only their colleague but as a friend and, he suspected, a group project.
So, against his better judgment and desire to isolate himself from these well-meaning people, their laughter, conversation, and happiness, Tash became swept up into their lives and love affairs. He found himself invited to Friday night dinners, Saturday night movie watching, and Sunday afternoon brunches, complete with subtle and not-so-subtle offers to set him up.
Highly involved was ostensibly also code for nosy and intrusive. They constantly tried to set him up on dates, which he almost always turned down—using work and a busy schedule as his excuse. The mentoring program had become his latest passion, and he preferred to give it all his attention for now.
Tash finished his coffee and checked his watch.
“I’m on time, big brother. You’re always early; that’s the problem.” Valerie slid into the seat across the table from him. Immediately, the waiter reappeared and gave her a big smile and greeting.
Val turned on her lovely smile. “Just scrambled eggs and toast, please. No butter. And milk for the coffee.”
The waiter hurried off to do her bidding. Anyone who became caught up in the glow of Val’s big brown eyes immediately fell under her spell. Her coffee appeared instantaneously, as well as a small bowl of fruit “on the house for the pretty lady.”
She blushed. “Oh, you shouldn’t have, but thank you.” Af
ter tasting a piece of strawberry, she pushed the dish to the middle of the table. “Here, share with me.”
He shook his head. “No, thanks. What’s up with you? I haven’t been able to get ahold of you for ages.”
Val drank her coffee and moaned with delight. “God, that’s good. Well, with Luke leaving so unexpectedly for Europe, we had a lot of things to settle before he went away. I didn’t have the heart not to help him.” She drank more coffee, and as soon as she set it down, the waiter was right there to refill it.
“You should’ve seen him; it’s so cute how excited and nervous he was to meet Jordan’s parents.”
Tash smiled faintly. “I’m glad things worked out for the two of them.”
Val’s happy face turned sympathetic. “I know you liked Jordan, sweetie. I’m sorry it didn’t end up the way you would’ve wanted.” She reached out to take his hand. After a moment’s hesitation, he took it, giving a hard squeeze before releasing it.
“It wasn’t any big deal, and in the long run it turned out for the best. Jordan loves Luke. They belong together; anyone can see that.” The coffee burned an acidic trail down his throat. For the first time in years, he’d been somewhat attracted to another man, but Jordan, recovering from the death of his fiancé, had come out of his yearlong grieving process to fall in love with Luke. “I’m happy I could help them in some small way. It’s how it was meant to be.”
Him. Alone. If he remained alone, he couldn’t have regrets; he already had enough of them to last a lifetime.
A small sound of dismay escaped Val. “Oh, Tash, don’t. You sound as though you’ve given up on everything.” She stopped speaking as the waiter approached with their food.
The warm, tantalizing smell of cinnamon and vanilla hit his nose as the waiter placed the plate of French toast before him. He busied himself by dousing the food with maple syrup but stopped when Val placed her hand over his. He shook off her touch. “You can’t give up what you don’t have. Leave it alone.”
“But—”
“Enough.” Torn between his love for his sister and the pain he still carried within, Tash knew he’d lash out and say something cutting and mean if he didn’t stop the conversation at that moment. He already lived with enough remorse crushing his soul. To hurt Valerie, the person who meant more to him than anyone, would break him. “Please,” he gritted out, dangerously close to losing the strict self-control he placed on his emotions. “The past is meant to be left where it is, not reopened and dissected. I made peace with everything long ago.”
But Valerie, who loved him, also knew him best. “You’re hiding away because of a mistake you believe you made years ago. I never thought of this before, but maybe you need to see someone yourself, to come to terms with what happened with you and Danny.”
Tash winced at the sound of Danny’s name. He huffed out a strained laugh. “The shrink needs a shrink?” He shoved a piece of French toast into his mouth and chewed, barely tasting it. After swallowing, he patted Val’s hand. “I don’t think so. I said I’m fine.”
Val shot him a disbelieving look through narrowed eyes. “That’s why you spend every night alone, you and those cats. I know the guys have tried to set you up and you refuse.”
“I’m busy. Between putting together the joint mentoring program with the Clinic, the community center, and the shelter, plus helping Legal Aid with the kid who sold Jordan his drugs, as well as my own patients, I’ve got a full plate.” He drank down his coffee. “I barely have time to eat.”
“Then slow down. You’re not doing anyone a favor if you get sick.” Tash squirmed under her gaze, but she ruthlessly continued. “You look like hell; your eyes are tired, and you’ve lost weight.”
“Gee, nice to see you too. Thanks.”
“I’m saying it because I love you. Punishing yourself isn’t helping you, and it won’t bring Danny back either.”
At her simple statement, he lost his breath. For so long he’d worn the guilt of Danny’s death like a second skin. He’d been living a shadow life, present and accounted for but never really there in full spirit. He’d lost himself somewhere along the way, and the sad thing was, he didn’t see the need to find himself again.
It was like the nursery rhyme: “All the king’s horses and all the king’s men, couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty together again.”
Tash was broken beyond repair, and he saw no need to gather the shards of his mental wreckage and try to piece himself back together.
“I promise to start eating better. And I think this mentoring program will be great. I always wanted to do something to help kids. If we can give them a support system before the bad outside influences sink their claws into them, they’ll have somewhere to turn. Drew’s clinic is great, but it steps in after the problem. I want to get to them before.”
A relieved smile broke across Valerie’s face. “Oh, I haven’t seen you this passionate about anything in so long.” She grasped his hand. “I think it’s terrific, and I know it’ll be a success.”
“Eat your breakfast.” He pointed at her plate of eggs and toast. “It’s getting cold.”
Val wrinkled her nose at him but took a bite of her toast. “There, satisfied?”
He tweaked her nose. Damn, he loved her. They finished their meal, and after he paid the bill, they walked outside and stood on the street waiting for a cab for Val to go back to the city. It was almost lunchtime now, and the nearby courthouse would begin emptying—all the judges, attorneys, and jurors fanning out to the restaurants in the neighborhood. He could see the kids from one of the local schools playing soccer in the park. He and Val hugged and made plans to get together over the weekend and have lunch.
“I love you. Promise me you won’t sit in your house with only those cats for company when you don’t have patients.” She wound her scarf around her neck, then buttoned her jacket.
He rolled his eyes. “God, you make me sound like a pathetic loser. Is that what you think I do?” She opened her mouth, and he put his hand over her lips. “Never mind. Don’t answer that. I’ll call you about the weekend.”
They kissed good-bye, and he hailed an oncoming cab for her. After watching Val get inside the car, he continued his walk down Court Street. Tash enjoyed the bright blue of the brilliant October sky and, as always during this season, welcomed the brisk freshness of the cooler air. Brilliant fall colors of crimson and gold painted the trees arching overhead, as he turned onto Pierrepont Street, walking deeper into the Heights. He loved his little enclave of a neighborhood. Brooklyn Heights was like a small town in the big city, where people knew each other on the streets and local storeowners were friendly and welcoming. Fewer and fewer independent stores remained due to the exorbitant rents, and he mourned that fact as he came to his street, wonderfully named Love Lane.
When he unlocked his front door, his two Siamese cats, Caesar and Cleopatra, ran toward him, yowling like banshees, looking for attention. They’d been returned numerous times to the animal shelter because of their loud meowing, but Tash didn’t mind. They were something to break the loneliness and give him love.
“Okay, you two, quiet down.” Identical pairs of turquoise-blue eyes regarded him steadily; then with a noise that sounded more machine-gun-like than should come out of any felines, they ran to the back of the carriage house.
At four, he’d be meeting with Connor Halstead, a Legal Aid attorney, and his client Johnny, about Johnny’s court-ordered treatment. That case promised to be tough. The young man who’d sold Jordan his Xanax was as mistrustful as they came. Another product of the streets. This time, Tash promised himself, he wouldn’t fail.
Johnny would be a perfect candidate for the mentoring program. Both Ash and Luke had agreed to help him; they would speak to the kids and show them that growing up with abuse and grinding poverty didn’t have to keep you from accomplishing a dream. It was a great idea to include teachers and other leaders from the community—possibly clergy and politicians. He stretched out on his sofa.
“Meow.” Caesar’s claws delicately pricked through Tash’s shirt as he continued to purr and began to knead Tash’s chest.
“Ow, stop.” Tash lifted him and placed him gently on the ground, yet the cat still gave him an affronted look as though he couldn’t believe Tash had had the nerve to displace him. Tash rubbed his face with his hands and sat up, his back creaking from the uncomfortable position he’d fallen asleep in on his sofa. He scratched his head, then stretched. At thirty-nine, he tried to keep himself in shape, but some days felt considerably more like a losing battle than others.
When he saw the time, he groaned. Damn, he’d never meant to take a three-hour nap. That’s what a restless sleep during the night would do, but he hadn’t slept properly in years. What all this meant was, now he’d have to haul ass to Drew’s clinic. Tash had taken a tour of it with Jordan and Luke and was extremely impressed at what the men had accomplished, and he was thrilled to be able to lend them whatever help he could.
He tied his sneakers and headed out the door. After checking his watch, he saw he had about twenty minutes to make it to Red Hook where the Clinic was located, and Johnny was doing his community service. Tash’s therapy session with the young man was to take place there, but first, they’d meet with the Legal Aid attorney. Hopefully, Johnny would open up and let Tash in. From the reports he’d read on the boy, he was a silent, resentful teenager.
As luck would have it, he picked up a cab right away on Henry Street and settled into the back seat as it rattled off down the cobblestones of lower Joralemon Street, heading toward Red Hook. Sheets of rain now poured from the sky, but even that didn’t diminish the sheer strength and enormity of the glass-and-steel skyline interspersed with the late nineteenth-century architecture of lower Manhattan. The cab bounced around as it ran up Van Brunt Street, finally slowing the jostling of his inner organs as it pulled up in front of the Clinic. He made a mad dash between the raindrops to the Clinic’s front door.
Embrace the Fire Page 2