A flush of pleasure crept up Randy’s neck. Maybe he was wrong to think Randy had a secret in his past or something to hide because it had been years since he’d seen a man blush at praise. For the moment, Tash wished he could be as young and innocent as Randy.
The yearning in Randy’s clear green eyes drew Tash closer, and he wondered if his soft lips tasted as sweet as they looked. Randy’s golden lashes swept down against his cheek, and it took every bit of Tash’s self-control to not grab him and kiss him. No matter what Noah said, he had nothing to offer a man with the world spread out before him.
Reflectively, Randy sipped his glass of wine, a faraway look in his eyes. “I’ve been on my own for so long, I’d forgotten how nice it is to have someone to talk to in the evenings.”
The loneliness in Randy’s soft voice struck Tash; he wondered why a man who appeared to have everything seemed so alone and lost. Most likely it had to do with whatever had happened in his past that made him so jumpy and hesitant around strangers.
They ate their pasta, and Tash finished every scrap of food, including half a loaf of crusty Italian bread. It wasn’t until he was on his second cup of coffee that he’d formulated what he wanted to say. “That was delicious. Remind me when the weather changes; I owe you a good dinner. I mean, I owe you a hell of a lot more. Thank you. Thank you for being my friend and caring.”
“You don’t owe me anything. I’m the one who should be thanking you.”
“Well,” said Tash, draining his coffee cup, “we can start a mutual admiration society for each other. And the last thing I want you to do is think I’m kicking you out. I’m going to take it easy and later on go to see Wanda.”
“Wanda? The woman who runs that shelter you talked to me about?” He stood and began to gather the detritus from their dinner.
Unwilling to let Randy act like his housekeeper now that he felt better, Tash stacked the dishes closest to him, and together they cleaned up the kitchen. He hardly coughed at all anymore, and Tash knew he’d passed the worst of it. He also knew it was only because Randy had stayed by him, made sure he took his medicine and ate properly, that he recovered as quickly as he did without having it turn into bronchitis or pneumonia.
“Yeah. Let’s go sit in the living room. Want a beer or something?”
“Nah. I’m good, thanks.”
With the cats on their heels, he and Randy headed into the wide living area, and he flopped down onto the sofa, stretching out. Randy took the overstuffed club chair, bracing himself for Cleo to jump in his lap. To Tash’s amazement, Cleopatra had attached herself like glue to Randy, even forsaking her brother’s company to sleep in Randy’s bed with him. Tash wondered what damage she’d inflict on him once Randy left. An overwhelming pit of sadness loomed before him, and he dreaded going back to his dark, one-dimensional days. Having Randy with him here made the world brighter, a place where life unfolded around every corner, waiting with new opportunities.
Randy chased away his darkness, and that’s why Tash knew he had to let him go.
“Tell me about Wanda and the shelter.”
Tash gave himself a mental shake from his daydream.
Get your act together.
“She’s a fighter and stands up for those people like no one ever has. Everyone should have an advocate like her. I know you’ll love her.”
“She sounds wonderful. I’m sure I will, and I can’t wait to meet her.”
They sat in comfortable silence for a little while, Randy murmuring to Cleo on his lap. This scenario was all Tash ever wished for; he had no use for the nightlife waiting across the river in the clubs and bars. He closed his eyes.
“Tash? Hey, Tash?”
He blinked awake, finding himself in the semi-darkness. How long had he slept? Randy kneeled beside him, a serene smile on his face.
“I kinda passed out, huh?”
“You still need your sleep.”
What I need is you.
Frustrated, he swung his legs over the side of the sofa and sat for a moment with his head bowed. This attraction had to stop; Randy was simply being kind. It was his nature to care about others.
“I’m all right. What time is it, anyway?”
Randy checked his watch. “Almost six-thirty.”
“Good. We can go see Wanda tonight, help with the dinner service if you’d like.” His mouth suddenly parched, Tash headed to the kitchen for a drink without saying another word.
“Tash, what’s wrong? You seem angry.”
He was. Angry with himself for being attracted to a man who was wrong for him. Angry for letting it happen despite all the warning signals he himself put up then chose to ignore. Randy had that same sweet, irrepressible spirit as Danny…before drugs distorted him and took him away from the people he loved and who loved him back.
“I’m fine.”
But Randy, as he’d learned this past week, was a persistent man and didn’t back down so easily.
“You don’t look fine. You look upset. Did I do something? I haven’t lived with anyone really ever, so I don’t know. If I overstepped any boundaries, I’m sorry.”
By this time, Randy had followed him into the kitchen, and Tash had to turn away. He didn’t want to see Randy’s worried face, his fair brows pinched together as he tried to figure out the cause of Tash’s anger.
“It isn’t you.…it’s me. I’m a fool.” He wrenched open the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water, but before he could open it, Randy took it from his hands and held him by the shoulders, forcing their eyes to meet.
“The last thing I’d ever call you is a fool.”
The close proximity of their bodies proved too much for him; for a week now, he’d been lusting after this guy—his dreams had been nothing short of erotic and after his prolonged abstinence, what little self-control he’d been holding onto shattered.
It started out as a sweet kiss of comfort, their soft lips barely touching. Then Tash’s long-dormant desire flared hot and deep; holding himself together while Randy ministered to him would do that to any man. He crushed his mouth over Randy’s, the softness of his lips as sweet as he’d imagined, yet the reality so much more intense and beautiful. Tash ran his hands over Randy’s arms, their muscles flexing as Randy slipped his arms around Tash’s neck, pressing their bodies together. The unmistakable bulge of Randy’s cock nudged his thigh, hot and hard against the thin sweats he’d taken to wearing since he’d been sick.
Feeding off the hunger that had built up inside him, Tash licked along the seam of Randy’s mouth and slid his tongue inside, loving the heat and velvet touch of Randy’s tongue as they met. Their teeth clashed and their breaths mingled, sending him reeling—the pleasure-pain centering on the ache in his dick and balls, the liquid fire slowly burning through his veins.
His life had spiraled down to become a blank, meaningless existence. Unremarkable and forgettable until now.
This was the magic he’d been missing.
Incapable of stopping, his lips trailed hot and wet along Randy’s jaw to suck at his neck, only to return to once again capture Randy’s mouth. Randy sank into his embrace, breathing heavily against the curve of his neck.
“I’ve wanted to kiss you all week, but I was afraid.” His warm mouth moved against Tash’s skin and he trembled. “I’m glad you made the first move, or I might’ve never gotten up the nerve.”
Like a bucket of cold water dashed over him, Tash was brought back to reality. For a wild moment, the loneliness had blinded him, and he’d remembered how it was to feel happy and whole. For the past week, his house had been an actual home again, and though he wanted that more than anything, he couldn’t shake the thought that Randy was too young for him and deserved so much more.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lost control like that. It shouldn’t have happened.” Lame as the excuse sounded, Tash knew it was for the best. He touched his burning cheek, the feel of Randy’s scruff still hot against his fingertips, and took a step back.
But Randy persisted, confusion clouding his eyes. “Why not? We’re both adults. You aren’t seeing anyone, right?”
“No, obviously not, but you can see how this isn’t right.” Keeping his distance, Tash circled around Randy and took a seat at the table. “I know almost nothing about you but that I’m almost fifteen years older than you are. And that right there is enough. You should be out with people your own age having fun. I’m not into that.” Much as it hurt, Tash had to say it. “What’s the saying? There’s no fool like an old fool?” How pathetic did he sound? “I’m not the right person for you.”
Randy took the chair opposite him and braced his elbows on the table, his mouth hard and jaw set in a challenging line. “So, admittedly you know nothing about me, but you think you can and should decide who I kiss?”
“I know that you’re incredibly attractive, smart, and young. Three deadly sins for an older man like me.”
Irritation flashed across Randy’s face. “You make yourself out like you’re an old man, not simply a man who’s a few years older. For Christ’s sake, stop being so stuck on this point. I couldn’t sit around and listen to a bunch of jocks talking about football, or guys in suits talking about the stock market. I’d be bored to death.” He hitched his chair around, closer to Tash. “I may only be twenty-five, but trust me when I say I’ve lived a lifetime already.”
Tash had no idea what to think. Wanting Randy was easy. But trusting himself not to make mistakes could prove the hardest thing of all.
“It’s not only the age difference. I was reminded of someone I used to know and mistakes I made. Mistakes that led to the most horrific consequences. And even though it happened years ago, I can’t forget. It’s colored my whole outlook on life and drives me in everything I do.”
“Was it someone you loved?”
He raised his gaze to meet Randy’s. “Yeah. But it forced me to realize I wasn’t as good a judge of people or as good a doctor as I thought. He hid everything from me—his addiction, his cheating…” The bile rose in his throat. “His disease.”
Randy’s face whitened. “He was positive?”
“He was. Without me ever knowing, he’d become hooked on heroin while we were together, and it took over his life until he ran away. And until the hospital called us because he OD’d, we had no idea. By then it was too late.”
“I—I’ve seen people suffering in some of the shelters I volunteered at. It broke my heart knowing how alone they must’ve felt.” Randy bit his lip and looked down at the table as if unable to meet his gaze.
Tash knew what he wanted to ask but was too afraid or maybe didn’t think he had the right to.
“Hey. I’m not positive if that’s what has you looking so concerned. Danny and I hadn’t been together for almost two years before we found him. Of course, I had myself tested anyway. We were just thrilled to be able to be there with him in the end.”
“Who’s we?”
It occurred to Tash that Randy knew as little about his life as he did about Randy’s.
“Gage.”
“Gage?” Randy blinked in confusion. “What did he have to do with it?”
“Danny was Gage’s brother.”
Leaving Randy slumped in his chair to digest all this information, Tash walked away.
Once Randy went home and life went back to normal, he’d see Tash was right. “I think we’ve had enough true confessions for the evening. Let’s go to the shelter and you can meet Wanda.”
Randy’s face brightened a bit, but he still looked uncertain. “Sure. But we can finish this conversation later, right?”
“I’m going to get dressed. Be down in a minute.” He mounted the steps while Randy followed behind him but remained below.
“I see what you’re doing,” Randy called up to him. “You can only run from it for so long.”
“I could say the same to you.”
Chuckling to himself, Tash ascended the stairs, leaving Randy standing speechless.
Chapter Nine
It was easier to take a cab to the Lower East Side than for Tash to take his car and look for parking. They found one easily enough and settled into the back seat. Randy sat, silent, probably processing all the information Tash had dumped on him, so Tash kept quiet, his own thoughts a mass of confusion as well.
What had possessed him to talk about Danny, to tell Randy about him? Tash knew he was kidding himself. For a brief moment, Tash had allowed his grief to overcome his good sense. Although Randy and Danny were nothing alike, it was the joy of sharing his life with someone, having another person around to talk to and do the mundane, everyday things with that brought the ache of Tash’s loneliness to the surface. How many nights before Danny had left him did they spend together, joking around, cooking, and cleaning up, then retiring to their bedroom to make sweet and passionate love?
In the year after Danny died, Tash saw him around every corner in the apartment they’d shared, so he’d bought his little carriage house in the quiet neighborhood of Brooklyn Heights. It became his sanctuary; a perfect place to hide away from life. Although the hurt of Danny’s betrayal had passed, Tash still mourned a life lost so senselessly.
After that shattering kiss he and Randy had shared, Tash wanted nothing more than to rip the man’s clothes off and bend him over the counter right there in the kitchen. Instead, he’d done the mature thing and pulled away before he’d lost his head. Who was he kidding anyway? The guy was young and gorgeous. The last thing Randy needed was an almost forty-year-old man with a head full of baggage. Randy had reacted like any young man full of hormones. “Hooking up,” they called it these days—sex without strings or expectations. Foolish, dangerous, and definitely not for him.
After about half an hour, thanks to the usual stop-and-go traffic on the Manhattan Bridge—no matter the time of day or night—the cab pulled up in front of the shelter. Tash paid the driver, and they got out. It looked like the depressing place it was on the outside: dark brick, graffiti on the cement wall, and garbage pails stacked along the sidewalk. Unreal to think that around the corner, real estate developers were gobbling up properties and converting them to million-dollar apartments. Tash couldn’t imagine living here.
“Come, let’s go inside; it’s getting colder as we stand here.”
Randy nodded and followed him as they entered the shelter’s warmth. Tash greeted the security guard at the front desk. “Hey, Vic. How’s it going tonight?” He shook the big man’s hand. Victor had been here for years, and they were all thankful Wanda had someone around like him, who made sure everyone behaved and didn’t act up.
“Good, Doc. Can’t complain. Wanda’s in the back. She’s getting ready for the dinner service, I think.”
“Excellent. Thanks. This is Randy. He’s going to be helping on some projects with me and the other guys.”
Randy stuck out his hand. “Hi, Vic. Nice to meet you.”
Vic shook his hand, and Tash could see Vic taking Randy’s measure, checking him out. “Nice to meet you too.”
“Randy’s a sixth-grade teacher in Brooklyn.”
Vic raised a brow. “One of those fancy private schools?”
Randy laughed out loud. “Hardly. My school’s in Bushwick.”
“Well, all right, then.” Vic nodded with obvious approval.
They said their good-byes and headed down the hallway to the back. Tash pointed out various rooms to Randy before they came to a door marked OFFICE. He stopped and knocked.
“Come on in.”
Tash grinned at a nervous Randy who stood bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Don’t worry. You’ll love her.”
He pushed open the door and found Wanda on the telephone. Her hair was in its usual tight braids against her head, and her eyes rolled with frustration at whomever she argued with. When she saw him, however, her face brightened, even as she continued to lambaste whoever was on the opposite side of the phone.
“Listen. I don’t care what they say. I’m telling yo
u; every can they sent me was banged up and damaged. Just ’cause these people are in a shelter don’t mean they gotta eat bad food. Now send me a new shipment, or I’ll call the news on you and run your name all over the television.” She slammed the phone down with obvious relish. “Ha! That’ll get ’em moving.” She stood up and circled around from behind the desk.
“Dr. Tash. How are you?” They hugged, and he kissed her warm lavender-scented cheek.
“I told you to call me Tash. No need for titles here.”
She patted his cheek. “And who do we have here?” She turned to Randy, her eyes gleaming with approval. “Is this fine-looking man a friend of yours?” Without waiting for an answer, she stuck out her hand. “I’m Wanda, honey. What’s your name?”
“Randy, ma’am. I’m here to help Tash with the mentoring program.” He took her hand and shook it.
Her dark eyes flickered between the two of them. “Well, lookie here. You’re a Southern boy, aren’t you? Where are you from?”
“No, ma’am. I-I’m from Pennsylvania.”
Tash knew Randy enough by now to see the alarm flaring in his eyes, and decided to change the course of the conversation before Wanda started her usual third degree. “Randy’s a sixth-grade teacher in Bushwick.”
Respect and admiration dawned in Wanda’s eyes. “You are? That’s wonderful. Ain’t many young men like you willing to put themselves out for the kids these days. Most of them go to Wall Street where all the money is.” She shook her head. “Like my poor Luke. They work my boy half to death over there.”
She turned to Tash. “I got a few texts from the two of them. They had such a good time; I’m so glad Luke got to meet Jordan’s parents, and they had some time for themselves as well. I can’t wait to see them tomorrow. Jordan told me he got me a present from Paris.”
“That’s great, Wanda. I’m looking forward to hearing about their trip.” Tash spoke the truth. He didn’t begrudge them anything. The two men had fought long and hard for their relationship. Tash knew, however, that neither Luke nor Ash would ever truly be happy until they found out what had happened to their younger brother, Brandon.
Embrace the Fire Page 8