Your mother laughed then as she told me this. She said she was about to scold you for ruining your dress, but then your face lit up and holding your hands out, you exclaimed excitingly, "Mom I caught it!" Then you let the frog hop from your hands onto the picnic table.
I saw it all as your mother told me this and all I thought was, "Yes that’s Meagan." Get better dear; I want us to share those kinds of stories with our own children.
Letters from the Heart: November 18, 2003
It's not a good day! When I arrived this morning the doctor was with you and your mom. I was going to leave when your mother shook her head and reached her hand to me. She placed my hand in yours and motioned me to sit on the bed with you.
The doctor was calm as he explained that the treatments weren’t going as well as they planned, and that the cancer has spread to your liver and can't be treated. Your hand tightened on mine as your mom sobbed out loudly. My focus was on you and though you had your eyes turned away from me, I could feel your body shake, and I knew the tears came. I held you; it was all I could do.
Now we know, now we know there will not be any further exploration with us, and I am devastated. My heartaches, I knew I said I could be strong but I can't, I do love you and this is killing me as surely as your disease is killing you.
We have weeks maybe a month he said. How the hell can they know when you will die, but not be able to stop it? What good is medicine if that’s all it can tell us? I love you Meagan, and now that I know I’m going to lose you, I can't let go.
Tomorrow I go to work and ask for a leave, I don't want to lose the time I have left with you.
I weep and my pillow is saturated from the tears, even the page that I write this on is damp. How can life be so cruel to take you away just as I find you.
Letters from the Heart: November 23, 2003
I spent the entire day with you today. It was also the first day since this ordeal began that you actually talked back to me, seemed genuinely happy I was there. I loved that!
Your mom went out for the day, I think to give us time together, I don't care for the reason, I was just happy to be with you. I laid on the bed with you and though small, we found plenty of room as we entangled ourselves together.
We pretended that you weren't sick and talked about the future, what it held for us and as you spoke I could envision the children, the home you described to me. It was a beautiful day in amongst the ugliness and I absolutely cherished the time.
Day turned to night and as visitor time slowly came to an end I didn't want to leave you, and when you told me half heartedly that you didn't want to see me anymore, that you hate me seeing you this way, my heart hurt. I knew you didn't mean what you told me and I took your hand in mine and smiled, "You can't get rid of me that easily, I'll be here tomorrow, not because I have to, but there is no other place I'd rather be than with you, I love you Meagan." You cried then and pulled me close, we held each other for what seemed like a blink of an eye, not nearly long enough.
You mother had returned to say goodnight and to kiss you before you fell asleep. I'll never forget the way you looked at us, it was almost as if all your pain and hurt was lifted. You smiled and said, "I love both of you, very much, know that and though I might be dying, I know no boundaries of your love for me and that sustains me."
As I left the hospital, your mother beside me, I felt honored to be included in your small family, and as your mother hugged me before I drove away I felt none of the uncomfortableness I felt before, and I actually embraced her back.
Meagan all my heart is yours and I'm lost to the world, you are everything.
Letters from the Heart: November 24, 2003
I arrived at the hospital and your mom met me in the hallway. She was there to prepare me for the sight. Sometime during the night you took a turn to the worst. You were on a ventilator and though you slept, you looked lost already.
"The doctor is unsure if she will ever regain consciousness," your mom wept to me as we entered. My heart felt like it would burst from the pain as I looked at you and the tubes and machines, keeping you alive. The words from last night rushed back and I cried as your mom and I held each other, we didn't know those would probably be the last words we heard from you.
I helped your mom to her chair and I knelt down beside her as we held your hand together, the sobs still thick in our throats. I don't know how long we stayed that way and I don't know how many times a nurse or doctor came in to check on you, none spoke to us, leaving us to our silent pain not knowing how to help.
Day turned to night, but know this, during the entire day you were never left alone. The short bathroom break was always quick and then we would all be together again, our silence filling each of us.
I truly know what love is now, this is love and it sucks! We were meant to be together but not like this, not like this. We should be happy laughing, chasing each other through the tall grass of the fields, the cascading surf on some beach, not in some shitty hospital room, with life fading away.
This is so hard Meagan; I miss your smile, your laugh already.
Letters from the Heart: November 28, 2003
The pain is unbearable; my chest hurts from the wracking of sorrow, my throat raw, the day long over. I came to your room early as all ways, I met your mom as I entered and we once more shared your hand between us.
Mid day it happened, it shocked us both, I think you knew. Your mom and I felt you squeeze our hands together, as if saying be strong. We looked at each other your mom and I, trying to decide if we actually felt what we thought, then your hand went limp and alarms went off!
The room filled quickly and we were ushered from your side into the hall, the curtain was drawn and you were lost from our sight. An eternity passed before the doctor came out, we knew from his walk, that you had left. His words were lost to the two of us as we fell into each other’s arms your mom and I.
I did not allow your mom to be alone, and now as night surrounds us your mother sleeps on my bed and I write as I lay on my couch. My heart is broken, it bleeds! They were wrong the doctors, they said weeks, they cheated us of time, I feel like screaming at them at the world, "WHY!"
I do not know if I will sleep, and care not if I do, my heart feels empty without you here.
Letters from the Heart: November 29, 2003
I woke this morning to the smell of coffee filling my apartment, your mom in my kitchen sitting at the table. When I entered she gave me a weary smile, and motioned the other chair at the table and the steaming mug already there.
We spent the morning in quiet, you filling our thoughts and as afternoon approached your mom readied herself for her chore today, making arrangements for you. I asked if she wanted me to go with her and she waved me off, "A mother’s duty!" and left my home.
So I am on my couch with you in my head, my broken heart, can you hear me?
Letters from the Heart: December 1, 2003
Today was your funeral. The day was grey, ugly as if knowing that there was no cheer today!
The church was full of your family and friends, all were in tears and had choked voices, I felt like an intruder. Your mother had me sit beside her and she held my hand, she cried the entire time. I couldn't help it and wept with her.
When the service ended she pulled me up with her and we went to you one last time. You looked so calm in your resting, and through the gaudy make-up and sheen, I could still see your beauty, and I wondered where are you. “Where are you Meagan?”
The ride to the cemetery was a blur, it was all to fast. Everything but a moment! You and I laughing, kissing, and then dirt falling on your lid, everything but a moment!
I wanted to jump down to you, feel the dirt on my back as we were buried! Your love still fills my heart but you're gone, what now?
What do I do now?
The End
Chapter 16: I Hurt
I hurt, the pain exceeds
I hear, you’re special
But it’s only me
I give up for I hear it too often
Maybe better to be heartless
Than to share my heart
Today is like every other
Grey and dismal
But I have come to expect
Hurting is my companion
I shall learn to embrace
Because I hear you’re special
Yet I’m alone
Chapter 17: Light
I woke up today and my heart felt light.
I could not explain the change over me but I was no longer suffocating.
It was almost as if the sea of my depression had receded, my head at long last breaking the surface.
The air seemed fresher, cleaner on my skin and I smiled.
One of my few smiles, reserved it seemed for when only the kids are around.
I could not explain how an evening with you could cause this.
Would I say you're the one! I dare not say such words for what pressure, they would put upon your shoulders and mine!
I would say however, you have cracked opened the door.
Maybe it was only a crack, but it was enough to allow me to push it even more.
Whatever the reason, I didn't look at the day with the same despair that has so frequently come upon me.
The sky itself seemed more blue, or maybe its just because I've begun to look at it.
I look forward to hearing your voice, seeing you again.
For I'm curious what other recently erected barriers you might help breach, with a simple smile, cheerful laugh, a casual look.
And if our path leads nowhere I shall not despair, for the door lays open to me now.
And I will try to keep it so, for I wish not to have it close once more, shutting out the light.
Chapter 18: I Am
I am ugly.
Then see what my eyes see!
I am not smart.
Then hear what I hear!
I am alone.
Then see those around you!
I am nothing.
Then why do I see you!
I am lost.
Then let me help guide you!
I am a failure.
Then why do I see success!
I am unloved.
Then feel what my heart feels.
I am so cold.
Then let me embrace you!
I am getting old.
Then let me help carry you!
I am so frail.
Then I shall give you my strength!
I am so tired.
Then lay on my breast!
I am dying.
Then know that I won't let you!
I am afraid.
Then know that I love you!
Chapter 19: You Are
You are my evening glory, my early morning sun.
You are my spring flower, my summer day cheer.
You are the answer to my questions, the vision in my dream.
You are the quest that I seek, the treasure once revealed.
You are the smart to my ass, the better to my half.
You are the reason to my doubt, the feeling untouched.
You are the flame of my desire, the goddess of my wants.
You are the joy to my happiness, the song to my bird.
You are my future consideration, my path of success.
You are my hopes, and my dreams, of things unknown.
You Are
The world I wish to be.
Chapter 20: The Beat
I hear the drum beat in my ears
It’s filling up my head
My very core is bursting
From their constant beat of dread
The guitar screams its fury
Its wail fills the air
His fingers fly across the frets
Moving at rapid tear
The crowd moans and writhes
Their bodies move as one
The music guides their movements
Holds them till it’s done
The singer’s voice rises
It’s crisp and clean and clear
Washes over spectators
Drawing them ever near
That’s the power of the rhythm
The strength within the beat
The music's full of magic
That brings us to our feet
So let it wash through you
And carry us away
Let it drop our troubles to the side
Clear our cloudy day
Chapter 21:The Field
I dreamt of you at work today. I closed my eyes for a moment and I saw you.
You stood across a small field from me; flowers of yellow, red, and purple divided us, their fragrance surrounded us. You smiled and my heart lit up, seeking to smile back. The flowers passed like waves as I walked towards you, a slight breeze blowing your hair across your cheek, which you brushed casually away. Your eyes were alight and I all I could think was how your presence paled the flowers.
Your lips parted and you said a word, but the breeze carried it away from me. You laughed and I felt as if I would melt, again you spoke and I heard the word, “Sweetness.”
How could such a simple word fill me with such joy? I didn’t know, but instead relished the feeling it brought. Finally we stood in front of each other, mere feet away and I reached up and gently took your hand in mine and we were connected. We lay in the field, the flowers our bed, and we watched the day pass us by, content in the others arms.
This is the dream that I had, and it filled me with joy.
Chapter 22: Vengeance
The silent whisper fills the room,
He wakes in a cold sweat, a shiver down his spine.
Something is with him begging for release,
But he cannot see it though the presence fills the room.
"Who are you?" he calls out.
The only response is a wisp like touch along his cheek.
His body shakes from the unknown familiarity.
A lovers touch, he hasn't known in years.
"It can't be," he calls stumbling to his knees.
"Why do you torment me?"
The room flutters with unexpected activity,
His eyes wide with fear, he covers his head.
Heart heavy in his chest, his eyes turn wild,
He crawls to his feet, the air battling around him.
"I did nothing wrong, you don't belong here!"
His head, not believing his words.
The room does not answer but the anger is visible,
The air thickens as the weight increases.
His chest compresses making it hard to breath,
Ears screaming with the sudden pressure.
He can feel the blood of his past
Its slick on his hands, the smell is thick in his nose.
Thought it forgotten, buried to remain unknown.
So why has it come to show itself now?
His mouths dry, as if the decade of earth filled him,
His breath in gasps as if it were his last.
Darkness as light is removed by weight baring eyelids.
His scream silenced as dirt crashes down.
He feels it all and succumbs to the terror,
His past now his reality, reaches for him.
Her grip tight she pulls him down.
Her lips on his neck, forever embraced.
Body is cold the room empty,
The corpse on the bed.
Death has come with horrible remorse.
Vengeance has finally called.
Chapter 23: Puppet
The puppet master holds my string.
He pulls and shakes to make me swing.
My life is guided by his hand.
Without his help, I could not stand.
These are the words he tells me so.
I know it’s him that helps me grow.
If he let go, I'm afraid I'd be lost.
So I will curb his anger, at all cost.
He tells me how it is, I should be.
He tells me what it is, I should see.
He will not allow me, to be hurt by others.
He will shield me because, he says we are brothers.
He's my friend, my teacher, my protector of all.
He'll be there to catch me when I fall.
I'm happy to know my life is his.
I know this because, he tells me it is.
When I look around, things seem askew.
Because I see no strings, when I look upon you.
How is it that you can survive?
When you have no one, to lead your life.
You must be lost, confused and alone.
With nobody guiding you, your life being your own.
You must wake up, each morning and say.
I wonder what the world, will throw at me today.
But you don't look lost, confused or sad.
You actually look happy, you seem to be glad.
You do what you want, you say what you will.
You make your mistakes, but your life moves on still.
How can this be, it was not what I was told.
He told me I needed guidance, so I could grow old.
So here you are on your own and so strong.
How is it possible, that that, could be wrong?
Something is bothering me, something’s amiss.
How can my life be solely his?
Do I not have thoughts, have free will.
Can I not find love, can I not seek thrill.
Am I expected to do what I am always told?
Can I not have a life before I'm too old?
What did I do to get myself into this?
How was it my life, came to be his.
Now I see and want what you've got.
A life that is mine, to draw my own lot.
To wake up tomorrow and see what it will bring.
To stand up and shout, stand up and sing.
I'm taking back my life; I'll be a puppet no more.
I'll do what I want, show me the door.
So tomorrow I'll wake, afraid with brow furrowed.
But happy I'll be, to take on my own world.
Chapter 24: The Sunset
The walk had taken hours. They didn't care! They didn't care that darkness would be upon them in mere minutes, and the tent though brought, already lay forgotten, still in its bag. The pack was opened and the most important article for the trip was removed.
Hope, Depression, Love & Fractured Hearts: A Collection of Short Stories & Other Pieces of Writing Page 6