With my feelings caught in my throat, I tried to reply. “I’m sorry you guys had to watch—”
“Don’t say sorry. I’m aware of what you were trying to do. Wasn’t the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard. But from now on you call me first, before you get yourself in the damn hospital and we’re an hour away.”
“I didn’t plan this shit,” I groaned. “I was meant to be standing in the end. I guess with seeing Eli, calling Lizzie, and then practicing, I was a little preoccupied. Didn’t think dancing took that much out of me. Didn’t think playing like shit was taking that much of my energy until it hit halftime.”
“God, you can be painful,” Lizzie sighed. “Never taking care of yourself. Everyone else comes first. Almost throwing your life away, for what? Us? Because we would be okay without you? Did you not see what losing Jake did to all of us?”
“Girl’s got a point. You’re gonna have to get better at taking care of yourself,” Al said quietly. “Think you’re so indestructible. Stupid mistakes can be life-threatening. Your kidneys and shit can be at risk without water, the doctor told us. Boys from the club, the ones on the inside, they also mentioned you been screwing with your head.”
“You don’t need to worry. That’s stopped. This was an accident,” I explained. “I never make the same mistake twice.”
“Don’t be foolish, boy. Everyone makes the same mistake more than once,” Al told me, rolling his eyes. “But the lesson is always different. Pay attention. Learn from the shit you’re doing.”
“And in case you haven’t noticed, your lesson this time is,” Lizzie whispered softly as a single tear fell down her cheek, “you matter.”
“Shit, dude, and I thought my family was intense.” D, whom I had forgotten was still there, whistled after Al, Lizzie, and Beth headed to the cafeteria.
“They aren’t my family,” I muttered, staring at the door.
“You got big sister and little sister doting all over you while trying not to cry. Angry dad telling you he’s disappointed. Everyone sad about seeing you in a hospital bed and calling you stupid. That says family to me. Did I miss something?”
“They aren’t my blood. I have a brother—”
“He on his way too? He gonna be angry that you nearly got yourself hurt? Make you feel like gum stuck on the bottom of his foot?”
“It’s unlikely,” I grunted.
D just raised an eyebrow, then shrugged.
“Look dude, it’s just words. But you’re feeling shitty right now because three people put you in your place. No one does that to me except family.”
“Fuck, I can’t do anymore lessons today,” I groaned.
“Well, Machine, I'm gonna leave you to update your software and recharge your batteries,” he said, chuckling. “Damn, I'm gonna love this nickname. In any case, I better go check on Gray. He’s stuck with Parker and Rissie. All those women fussing over him, he might start to think he’s actually hurt.”
“I thought you weren’t leaving until Millie got here?” I asked him, suddenly feeling that last lesson sink home.
“Yeah about that. Gray messaged while your fam bam were here yelling. She visited him and Parker, but—”
“She’s not coming here, is she?”
“Like I said earlier, we totally should’ve practiced that fall.”
MILLIE
AS SOON AS WE ARRIVED at the hospital, I felt unnaturally calm. The nurse at the information desk offered to walk us to the private room Gray was put in due to the media storm, but I let her know that we would take the elevator and follow the signs without a problem. We made our way across the polished concrete floors, and I tightened my grip on Jessie’s little palm.
When I started following the ambulance to the hospital, I was just about to pass my street when I realized I couldn’t keep going.
I needed to hold on to her.
I needed to feel her heartbeat.
I had to grasp tightly to the one tether I knew would keep me in the world of the sane. I had watched Cooper fall down in front of thousands, and it was like watching the curtains close on the movie I thought I’d been living in. Everything dawned on me then. I needed to go back to my original plan and protect myself. A relationship with Cooper was beautiful and scary and complicated. We were able to create dreams together that stopped us from living with our ghosts. I had become strong enough to deal with his problems and he with mine.
But some things were out of our control. And those things could be catastrophic.
If Cooper got hurt, it wouldn’t be like Nate. I wasn’t whole anymore. If the pieces of me that were already shattered got hammered even more, there would be nothing left.
I stared at Jessie’s brown curls flying with every twist of her head and remembered how important it was that I didn’t lose myself completely.
We exited the elevator on the second floor, passed hospital room doors and the cafeteria. Jessie tried to direct our steps toward the doors with the most noise and activity. This large building with so many hallways and doors to explore was like a carnival maze to her. It wasn't a place of sickness and pain, it was a labyrinth of white walls and red handles with the sound of unusual bells and whistles ringing in the distance. I lifted her and rested her weight on my left hip as I kept moving forward, counting the numbers above each door to find 205B.
When I paused in front of the right door, I was tempted to put Jessie back on her feet and allow her to pull me in another direction. I didn’t want to face my fear, afraid I would see Nate sitting in that damn hospital bed. I wanted to be calm and collected. I hung my head, stared at my fancy ankle boots, and reminded myself that I was not in my pink Converse sketchers. I wasn’t a kid anymore—I could and would handle this. I reached for the door, turned the handle and opened it to stare at Gray sitting in a hospital bed hugging Parker.
“I’m so sorry—” I began before being knocked to the side by a pushy pixie in a yellow sundress and black combat boots.
“What the fuck?” the stranger exclaimed as she stared at Gray and Parker snuggling on the hospital bed. “Where the hell is Cooper?”
“Liz, you sure we’re in the right place?” a mountain man asked from behind. I turned to take in the bulky guy with a long salt-and-pepper beard and black leather vest holding the hand of a gorgeous little girl with long black hair.
“The guards downstairs said they brought the football player to room 205B, Al. They didn’t stutter,” the blonde replied offhandedly without taking her gaze off my friends.
“Well clearly the boy isn’t here, so maybe we should leave these people in peace.” He stepped into the room to grab her by the elbow.
“He’s in 209B,” Gray told them from the bed. “I’m the other football player.”
“Okay then” she exclaimed, turning on her heels and leaving as abruptly as she’d entered. I don’t think she saw me, or maybe she did and had no idea who I was.
Although I knew who they were from the stories. I took one last look at their fading backs before I turned to stare at Gray.
“Did you want to go with them?” Parker asked me.
“No. I think . . . I think it’s best I give him some space,” I muttered as I look down at Jessie.
“He’s fine,” Gray said. “D’s with him. He’s been texting and telling me that it was just dehydration. It was foolish and dangerous not to drink enough water with all shit considered, but it’s almost a lucky break.”
“Him passing out, possibly killing himself was a lucky break?” There was steel in my voice.
“Millie, you know what Gray is trying to say,” Parker placated.
“Yeah I know. Look, I’m sorry. It’s just been a rough day. I’m tired.”
“How about you pass over my girl and go get a coffee?” Gray put his hands out for Jessie. “It’s been a long-ass day. If you raced home and grabbed this one after all the drama, I doubt you’ve had a chance to sit down in silence.”
“I came to be here with you. I don’t really n
eed a drink. I’m also sure after everything you’ve gone through today, the last thing you need is a two-year-old running wild—”
“Remember it was all an act. It only looks bad, but I’m fine. Parker’s here if Jessie wants to get down and run around,” Gray said before turning his attention to Jessie. “What do you think, Jessie my girl? Want to play with me, let your mom have a break?”
As soon as she noticed his outstretched hands, Jessie became desperate to get to him. I set the wiggling little girl onto the bed before she could jump out of my arms.
“You sure you’re okay with her?” I repeated, staring at all the machines, flowers, and features in the hospital that a two-year-old could destroy in seconds.
“Millie, go get a drink, sit down for a second. We have her,” Parker said. “Have a rest. We aren’t going anywhere until the doctor clears Gray, Coach Hardy gets here to yell at us, and the media stops scrambling. It’ll be awhile.”
“Okay.” I knew she was right, and if they wanted to have a moment with Jessie, I also understood that feeling. She was a pretty good reminder for why we’d worked so hard to be rid of Gray’s dad.
The coffee wasn’t good. The pastries were even worse. Everything tasted two days old, but I kept eating and drinking anyway. It was something to do other than think about going to Cooper. I realized that was Gray and Parker’s ploy the moment they pushed me out of the room. Without Jessie to cling to, they knew all I would want to do was see that he was okay. They didn’t know that the fear of talking to two ghosts was a big enough deterrent to keep me from room 209B and spend my time in the cafeteria.
The cafeteria wasn’t too bad. It was somewhat peaceful because it was mostly empty. Besides a single table of old men playing cards and a woman who appeared to be in her late forties quietly crying into her coffee, the place was devoid of action or drama. I slipped in without notice and decided once I finished my coffee, I would slip out just as silently.
I had almost reached the bottom of my glass when I heard one of the spare chairs at my table move. I looked up from my mug, suddenly face-to-face with Cooper’s childhood best friend. Her partially shaved, peroxide-blonde hair and gray eyes scared the shit out of me.
“You’re Millie, right?” Lizzie asked abruptly.
“Yes—”
“Great,” she exclaimed. “Watch this one, would you. I'm getting myself some of that crap you’re drinking. Al’s gone to find a bathroom. He’ll likely be lost for a good hour. He sucks at directions. Why the man can’t read a sign is beyond me. I also can’t go another minute without caffeine. You need me, just yell. Beth, sit down.”
“Sure,” I said, feeling dazed and confused. When she walked away, no doubt to steamroll the coffeemaker into producing the finest quality drink in the entire state, I took a look at the little girl who sat silently beside me. She was stunning, making me think of what a young Cleopatra might’ve looked like with her long black hair and brown eyes that almost appeared black. She was also royally pissed off.
“I’m twelve,” the pretty girl muttered under her breath when she sat down as instructed. “Not nine. I cannot wait until I’m older and taller so people stop bossing me around.”
“Don’t count on it,” I told her between the final sips of my drink. “I was told to come here, and I’m not even sure I wanted to.”
“You telling me I’m always going to have to do everything she says?” the little girl moaned.
“I won’t lie,” I laughed. “It’s a strong possibility.”
“Okay, I’m back. Sorry I didn’t say anything in that other guy’s room earlier. Your hair. The kid. Figured out who you were but was in a bit of a rush to see Coop,” Lizzie said as she took the chair opposite me.
“Understandable.”
“We saw him fall on the TV,” Beth murmured. “Didn’t look good.”
“But we’ve seen him now. I poked and prodded, Beth cuddled, Al lectured. Al does a good lecture,” Lizzie rambled with half a pastry in her mouth. “We all know he’s okay if not stupid. I still can’t quite believe how he forgot to drink during the game. He ends up in the hospital over water, are you freaking kidding me?” She was gesturing with her food, dropping little crumbs all over the table. “Annoyingly we all know he’ll fuck up again. It’s Cooper’s nature to throw himself in front of buses and forget about the fact that he isn’t indestructible. I blame the Batman and Superman comics the group home used to have in all the rooms. At least he’s scrapped the shit that was still clinging to him from prison. Can you believe that psycho? And I thought the scum we met growing up were the worst. Who knew? Trust Cooper to find a pretty girl in all this drama though,” she laughed.
“Look, I think you have the wrong idea about Cooper and me—” I tried to tell her.
“They filmed you crying,” Beth whispered.
“Yes, I know it looked like—”
“You started screaming when Cooper was put on the stretcher,” Lizzie pointed out.
“I’m aware of that, which is why I really need to take a step back—”
“Good luck,” Al said from behind me. I turned to take in the giant outlaw and watched as he took a seat beside me. “I was gonna take a step back. Found a troubled kid sleeping in my car, gave him to social services. I wasn’t good for no one back then. I definitely wasn’t father material. I did the right thing, but that boy gets under your skin. There’s no shaking it.”
“I remember when I first met him at the home and he told me he planned on protecting me,” Lizzie laughed. “I tried to get rid of him for months until he punched a kid who tried to slap me on the ass when I was eleven.”
“I didn’t talk for a month when I met him,” Beth whispered. “He didn’t leave though. He read me stories about princesses.”
When all of them nodded, I tried to pretend their words didn’t apply to me. I was more determined than they could obviously imagine, more single-minded than soft-hearted.
“Look, it was really nice meeting you all. You seem like great people. I’m glad Cooper has more than one person to yell at him for not taking care of himself. But I have a daughter I should be getting back to her.”
When I left the cafeteria, it was lucky that I didn’t see Lizzie’s, Beth’s, and Al’s wide smiles or hear their conversation.
My dramatic exit wouldn’t have been the same had I realized they were discussing Thanksgiving and where they were going to find a booster seat for Jessie.
ANTHONY
I LIKED THE BOY. HE had vision. Not something that could usually be said about cops. I usually preferred to only deal with the police officers I paid to keep my company, but for Eli, I would make an exception.
I saw something in the boy that reminded me of myself.
Imagination.
“My brother was hurt trying to hurt your boy. It was masterful,” the boy praised. “The way you convinced him to attack the captain of the football team on national TV, genius. They’ll bounce back, of course. I don’t know if you saw the replay, but neither were very good at throwing punches worth a damn. Your son might try and press charges, but I doubt they’ll stick. That school cares too much about winning championships to suspend both of them from the team, let alone throw my brother back behind bars. Those boys might be stupider than a fly close to a blue light, but they can run a ball up a field.”
“Son, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I had nothing to do with your brother’s actions today. I was shocked by the sight I saw on the television,” I feigned ignorance. It didn’t matter that Eli had arranged his visit after hours. As far as I was concerned, Eli could pay every guard in the entire prison to leave and I still wouldn’t admit to shit.
Confessing to one’s actions was for amateurs. The glory was always in the awareness of the victim, never the attention of the audience.
“I’m a cop. I get it. Don’t tell me shit. Respect, dude,” Eli told me, smiling. “I wasn’t here for your confession anyway. I came to discuss the future.”
/> “The future?”
“Whatever you were planning to do next. To my brother. To your son or their families. I want you to kill it. Shut it down.”
“Boy, rest assured, I have no such plan,” I murmured softly. Too softly.
“Don’t bullshit a bullshitter,” Eli chuckled. “I’m not trying to deny you your revenge or your comeuppance. I’m here to offer you a different idea. My idea. You don’t want in, that’s cool, dude, but you’ll screw up a good thing for both of us if you play shit differently.”
“I’m listening,” I replied coolly. I didn’t enjoy being made to feel like the student in any arrangement. I taught others lessons, not the other way around.
“Reporters. Talk show hosts. They’ll come to the prison and pay your ass to talk. Your son and your ex-cellmate make it to the NFL, they’ll give you whatever you want to reveal the secrets you have to the public. If you want them to believe that your mere presence creates athletic superstars, or your dangerous past inspired them to be greater they’ll listen. People will read the memoir of Grayson Waters’s imprisoned father even if it is complete fiction. Fuck, the interviews, book deals, and television movie deals will set your ass up for life. It’ll buy a defense attorney worth a damn,” Eli rambled. “I’ve already been contacted by some eager reporters wanting to sell my brother’s rags-to-riches story. I can give you his number. You just need to make a choice. You want to see them punished, or you want to see your ass sitting in a diner outside these goddamn walls?”
“I sit on my ass while my ungrateful boy becomes famous?” My tone was part annoyance and part intrigue.
“You sit on your ass and start writing. Get ready to tell your story. Trust me, if you let your son and my brother make it into the NFL, people will want to listen to everything you say.”
It wasn't the future I’d pictured. I preferred a little more drama, a little more suspense and action. However, I could see the benefits of Eli’s words, and I did get to see my boy on the ground knowing it was me who put him there. That could be enough for act two. I would have to wait years, no doubt, before my stories would be worth the money I would want to demand, but I’d never had a problem in encouraging suspense.
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