by Chris Colfer
“Oh baaaaby, please don’t play this game,
My heart is so full of shame,
My love cannot be tamed,
I’m a moth and you’re the flame,
And even though it’s lame,
Remind me of your naaaaame!”
The twins were laughing so hard, their stomachs hurt. The rest of the ship screamed and pointed at the possessed skulls.
“It’s the devil’s music!” Winking Wendy shouted.
The pirates waved crucifixes at the island and shot the rocks with their rifles. Alex figured the joke had gone far enough. She cleared her throat again and the skulls returned to normal.
Once the Isle of Skulls was far behind the Dolly Llama, Conner excitedly ran from the front of the ship to Auburn Sally’s side on the upper deck.
“All right, we’ve passed the Isle of Skulls!” he said. “Time to travel starboard.”
“And if we sail in circles to the right all night, we’ll find Starboardia?” Auburn Sally asked.
“More like Starboardia will find us,” Conner said.
The captain stepped to the side of the wheel and presented it to him. “Would you like to do the honors, Commander Bailey?” she asked.
“Oh gosh,” he said. “Sure!”
Conner had never even driven a car, so he wasn’t going to turn down the opportunity to steer a pirate ship. He put his hands on the wheel and could have sworn he felt the ship’s heartbeat pulsing through it. It was an exhilarating sensation—with just the slightest movement, he had the power to change the ship’s course and the crew’s destiny. It reminded him of the feeling he had when he wrote, but it was ten times stronger. He was living and breathing the adventure he had only dreamed about.
Naturally, being chased by a fleet of dangerous pirates took some fun out of steering the ship, but it was thrilling nonetheless. Since they arrived, he had been angry, frustrated, anxious, and scared by different things, but the excitement of being in the world he created never left him. He wished every author got to feel what he was feeling right now.
As the sun started setting, it illuminated the ocean waves around the Dolly Llama like golden zebra stripes. Conner turned the wheel as far to the right as it would go and tied it down.
“Starboardia, here we come!” he said.
That night, all the pirates and sailors gathered in Auburn Sally’s chambers so Conner could tell them what to expect the next day. It was strange to prepare them for a place he technically had never been before. He could only rely on the images in his head and hope they matched. The Rosary Chicken got cozy on Alex’s lap and she stroked her feathers while she listened to her brother.
“Ladies, gentlemen, and chicken,” Conner said. “Welcome to Starboardia 101. I’m assuming by now, whether through eavesdropping or word of mouth, everyone knows why we’re headed to Starboardia.”
Not-So-Jolly Joan and Too-Much-Rum Ronda raised their hands.
“No one ever tells me anything,” Not-So-Jolly Joan said, and burst into tears.
“I was told, but I don’t remember,” Too-Much-Rum Ronda said, and hiccupped so hard, she fell off her seat.
“No worries, I’ll explain,” Conner said. “We are outnumbered ten to one by Smoky-Sails Sam’s fleet. There is a fortress on Starboardia that was designed for a group in our exact predicament. The fortress is filled with hundreds of booby traps; there are trapdoors, human slingshots, swinging blades, endless mazes, and much more. Once the fortress is activated, the traps will go off every thirty seconds.
“Unless you want to be crushed, cut in half, or fall to your death—listen to this part very carefully. There are safe zones throughout the fortress painted in red. Five seconds before the traps are set off, you will hear a bell—when you hear the bell, find one of those safe zones immediately! I’ve come up with a motto to help those of us who have difficulty remembering directions. Repeat after me: In Red, Ain’t Dead.”
“In Red, Ain’t Dead,” the pirates and sailors repeated.
“Very good,” Conner said. “Now, once we’re on the island and find the fortress, we have to wait until all of Smoky-Sails Sam’s men are inside before we can activate it. The fortress sort of works like a clock—a very heavy net of boulders pulls on gears located at the top, which turn and operate all the booby traps. The net is held up by twenty-one ropes and needs all twenty-one ropes to support it. Once one of these ropes is cut, another rope will snap under pressure every thirty seconds, causing the net of boulders to drop a little lower, which pulls on the gears, and activates the booby traps. Does this all make sense?”
The pirates and sailors stared at Conner like he was speaking another language. Even Alex was having a hard time following along.
“Those are just the logistics in case anyone was wondering,” Conner said. “There’s only one thing you have to remember—which is?”
“In Red, Ain’t Dead!” the pirates and sailors said in unison. They were very proud of themselves and looked like dogs expecting treats.
“Great,” Conner said. “Everybody break a leg tomorrow! Oh—no offense, Somersault Sydney!”
“None taken,” the legless pirate said.
As the Dolly Llama sailed in large starboard loops around the Bermuda Triangle, the pirates, sailors, and the twins went to bed to rest up for the following day. In the sleeping quarters belowdecks, rows of white hammocks were stacked from floor to ceiling. It was chilly down there, so Alex and Conner were thankful their mother had packed sweatshirts for them.
The hammocks swung with the sway of the ship and were very relaxing. Soon the pirates and the sailors fell asleep. Their snoring was so loud, the twins were worried the sides of the ship would burst open. Alex glanced down at the hammock below hers to see if Conner was still awake.
“Oh good, you’re still up, too,” she said.
“I don’t think the dead could sleep through this,” he said.
“Are you nervous about tomorrow?” she asked.
“A little bit,” he said with a long sigh. “I just hope it all works out so the trip here hasn’t been for nothing.”
Alex could sense the doubt in his voice and she felt a little guilty. Had she been more supportive and encouraging in the beginning, he probably wouldn’t be so cynical.
“Everything is going to be fine,” Alex said. “You’re a really great author, Conner. I keep forgetting to tell you how impressed I am by all of this. Every beat of your story is so well thought out and entertaining. The more it unfolds, the more intrigued I become. I can’t wait for you to write your first book—there are millions of little Alexes and Conners around the world who are going to love it.”
Conner was touched by his sister’s words. It meant a lot coming from her, since he was convinced she had read every book in the world.
“Thanks, Alex,” he said. “I would never have met Jack and Goldilocks if it weren’t for you—so thanks for supplying all the inspiration.”
“But think of everything you came up with all on your own,” she said. “You would have done just fine without me. I wish I had your imagination. What’s your secret to making a story so good? Do you have any writing tricks or rituals?”
Conner had never thought about it before. He thought back to the very first time he wrote a story and recalled a tool that had helped him write ever since.
“Whenever I write, I imagine everything in Dad’s voice,” he said. “I try to describe everything with the same energy and enthusiasm he had when he read stories to us. Sometimes when I miss him the most, writing makes me feel like he’s there with me. It’s almost like he’s telling me the story and I’m just writing it down.”
The thought brought tears to their eyes. Alex knew exactly what he meant, because her dad’s narrative was ingrained in her mind, too. Whenever they thought about John Bailey, they didn’t think about the night they lost him, the funeral that followed, or the days they spent mourning him. They remembered the nights when he’d read them fairy tales by the fi
replace in their old house, the animated gestures he’d make while acting out every scene, and the different voices he made for each character. Their father was a storyteller in every sense of the word, and Conner had inherited the same gift.
“Dad would be so proud of you, Conner,” Alex said. “He would have loved everything about Starboardia.”
“He’d be proud of you, too, Alex,” Conner said. “Other fifteen-year-olds would have given up on saving the fairy-tale world by now.”
The twins laughed at the thought of another brother-and-sister duo going to the same extremes. Alex cast a spell so their roommates snored in silence, and the twins let the sway of the ship rock them to sleep, too.
CHAPTER TEN
STARBOARDIA
The following morning, the entire ship was awoken by a loud clanging coming from above deck.
“LAAAAAND HOOOO!” Siren Sue yelled, and rang the bell in the crow’s nest.
The pirates, the sailors, and the twins quickly swung out of their hammocks and ran up the steps to the lower deck. They dashed to the bowsprit and joined Auburn Sally and Admiral Jacobson at the front of the ship. The sun had just started rising and slowly shed light on an island directly ahead. It had a beach littered with wooden debris and was covered in a thick forest of tropical trees. The crew could make out the tip of a large fortress towering over the trees in the center of the island.
“That’s it!” Conner yelled. “That’s Starboardia!”
There wasn’t any time to rejoice because the discovery was immediately followed by the thunderous sounds of firing cannons.
“We’ve got company!” Siren Sue shouted, and pointed to the ocean behind the Dolly Llama.
Like a stampede, the twins, the pirates, and the sailors ran across the lower deck, climbed the steps to the upper deck, and crowded the railing at the back of the ship. The five large pirate ships of Smoky-Sails Sam’s fleet were so close, they could smell the torches burning above the sails—and the ships were headed right for them.
The ship in the center was the largest and Alex knew it was the Vengeance without having to ask. It was the color of charcoal and flew enormous black sails. The Vengeance’s sides and bow were covered in metal spikes, making it resemble a large floating cactus. A flag with an image of broken shackles flew proudly at the top of the tallest mast.
All the decks of the five-ship fleet were swarming with pirates eager for a fight. The Vengeance fired its cannons at the Dolly Llama and cannonballs splashed in the water beside it. Each splash crept closer and closer to the ship.
“We’ve got to get to the island now!” Conner yelled.
Auburn Sally stood on a barrel and whistled to get her crew’s attention. “Everyone gather as many weapons as you can carry and head to the boats,” she ordered. “We’ll lower ourselves to the water and row to the island.”
“They’re going to blow the ship apart!” Admiral Jacobson said. “We don’t have time to lower the boats! We have to abandon ship now!”
Conner shared a fearful look with his sister and they read each other’s mind—a little more magic couldn’t hurt.
“Everyone follow the captain’s orders,” Alex said. “I’ll keep the pirates busy until we get off the ship.”
The crew nodded and split up at once. Alex stood on the railing and faced the oncoming fleet. She twirled her index fingers in the air and two cyclones rose out of the water between the Dolly Llama and the Vengeance. She pointed at the fleet and the cyclones whizzed toward the pirate ships like bulls released from a pen. The pirates abandoned their vessels and dived into the water. The cyclones crashed into two of the five ships and obliterated them completely.
While Alex stalled the fleet, the crew aboard the Dolly Llama unloaded four heavy chests filled with weapons. They stuffed their vests, pants, coats, and boots with as many rifles, swords, and daggers as possible. Conner ran belowdecks and retrieved the twins’ backpacks. As he headed back up, he found the Rosary Chicken on the steps behind him.
“Bagawk?” the chicken asked, tilting her head.
“I’m sorry, but battle is no place for a chicken,” Conner said. “You need to stay on the ship.”
“Bagawk!” she squawked, horribly offended.
“I’m not calling you a chicken—you are a chicken!” he said. “This is ridiculous! I’m arguing with a typo!”
The Rosary Chicken puffed out her feathers and extended her wings. She had the heart of a turkey, the determination of a duck, and the bravery of a goose. Misspelled or not, she was ready for combat.
“Fine, but you have to stay in my bag,” Conner said.
He tucked the Rosary Chicken into his backpack and left the zipper open enough so the chicken could peek her head out. Conner met his sister on the upper deck and handed Alex her backpack. They joined Auburn Sally and Admiral Jacobson in a boat and were lowered into the water. Once the entire crew was off the Dolly Llama, they rowed the boats to the shore of Starboardia.
Smoky-Sails Sam’s men weren’t too far behind. All five hundred pirates swam after the Dolly Llama’s crew. There was so much splashing, it looked like a school of hungry sharks was headed for the island.
“Everyone follow me,” Conner told the crew. “The fortress is just through these trees!”
Alex, Auburn Sally, Admiral Jacobson, and the crew followed Conner as he raced through the tropical trees. The admiral’s first mate gave Somersault Sydney a piggyback ride so she could keep up. Except for a few birds and a couple of large iguanas, the island was mostly deserted. They emerged into a clearing in the center of the island and found the legendary fortress of Starboardia.
“My God,” Auburn Sally said.
“Conner.” Alex gasped. “It’s amazing!”
It was a breathtaking sight and everyone stopped in their tracks to take it in. The fortress was like a large Mayan pyramid constructed entirely out of broken pieces from hundreds of old ships. Everywhere they looked they spotted masts, bowsprits, sails, planks, bows, wheels, rudders, crow’s nests, and flags all pieced together to form one massive structure.
It was twelve levels high and looked like a labyrinth of ladders, slides, rope bridges, swings, and tunnels. It was like a gigantic jungle gym, but it definitely wasn’t for children. The structure was built on stilts over a shallow lake with sharp rocks that was home to dozens of alligators. The only way inside the pyramid was up a rickety staircase that led to the first level.
The Dolly Llama’s crew carefully climbed up the steps and entered the fortress. The inside was hollow and the bottom floor gave a perfect view of the eleven levels above it. Hanging in the very center of the pyramid like a chandelier was a heavy net filled with a dozen large boulders. It hung from a chain connected to a ceiling full of gears, and was secured by twenty-one ropes. Scattered all over the floor were the safe areas outlined in red that Conner had informed them about.
“Well,” Alex said as she glanced around the fortress uneasily. “Is it like you were expecting?”
“That and more,” Conner said breathlessly. “I feel like I planted a seed and all this grew.”
The crew heard the trees rustling outside the pyramid. They walked to the edge of the first level and saw Smoky-Sails Sam’s army of five hundred pirates emerge into the clearing. The men were so rugged and filthy, they made Auburn Sally’s pirates look like contestants in a beauty pageant. They were soaking wet from their swim, and thanks to the red worms Alex had left on the Parakeet Islands, their raggedy clothes were stained with bird droppings. After a wild-goose chase around the Caribbean, the pirates were ready to take out their aggression on the Dolly Llama’s crew.
Most of the pirates were covered in tattoos and had missing limbs, teeth, eyeballs, and ears. Their appendages weren’t replaced by traditional hooks and peg legs, but rather by daggers, razors blades, and metal spears.
Smoky-Sails Sam was in the last group of pirates to step into the clearing. He was seven feet tall with a long dreadlock beard. His coat, hat, belt,
and boots were all made from black leather. A long sword proportionate to his height and a silver revolver hung from his belt. His appearance was just as intimidating as his reputation.
The pirate known as Killy Billy stood beside him. He had large bulging eyes and greasy hair. He was shirtless and his chest, arms, and back were covered with tattooed tally marks—each strike represented someone he had killed.
Just like the Dolly Llama crew had, Smoky-Sails Sam’s men stared up at the structure in astonishment, as if they were facing a forgotten Wonder of the World.
“What do we have here,” Smoky-Sails Sam said in a deep, raspy voice. “It looks like little Christine Connelly has discovered Starboardia.”
“Look: up there!” Killy Billy said. He pointed to the crew on the first level of the fortress. “It’s the thief and her hags! And they have Admiral Jacobson and his navy dogs with them!”
“Joined forces to finish me off, have you?” Smoky-Sails Sam chuckled. “It’s going to take more than an ancient tree house to defeat my men.”
The Dolly Llama’s crew gulped in fear. Auburn Sally put on a brave face and roared with laughter.
“Did you hear that?” the captain asked. “Smoky-Sails Sam thinks he has men! It’s funny, because I don’t see any men below us—I only see swine.”
The pirates roared angrily at the women and men on the pyramid.
“Don’t worry, boys,” Smoky-Sails Sam said. “We’ll put Captain Auburn Sally in her place! Just like everyone who steals from me, she’ll end up at the bottom of the Atlantic! ATTACK!”
The pirates charged up the staircase and stormed into the fortress. The Dolly Llama crew spread out on all levels of the pyramid and Smoky-Sails Sam’s men followed them. The clanking of swords echoed through the structure as Auburn Sally’s women and Admiral Jacobson’s men bravely took on Smoky-Sails Sam’s crew.
Once all five hundred pirates were inside the structure, Auburn Sally pointed her pistol at the ropes supporting the net of boulders and fired. The net descended several feet, pulling on the gears above, and the fortress came to life.