An Author's Odyssey

by Chris Colfer

  He said it like it should have been a relief, but it only concerned his mother more. Charlotte was going to ask him for more details, but she was distracted when Alex suddenly leaned out from the beam of light.

  “Hi, Mom—hi, Bob!” she said, then looked to her brother. “Conner, we’re ready!”

  Alex leaned back and disappeared. Conner went to the window and had a good look at the large pool in their backyard.

  “Hey, Bob, how deep is the pool?” he asked.

  Bob shrugged. “Ten, maybe twelve feet,” he said. “Why do you ask?”

  Before Conner could answer, he scooped up the binder and ran into the backyard. The Book Huggers quickly got to their feet and ran to the other side of the property. They peeked between boards and through holes in the fence to see into the backyard. Conner stood at the edge of the pool and aimed the binder’s beam of light directly at the water.

  “Go for it, Captain!” he said.

  Bob and Charlotte joined Conner outside just in time to see the Dolly Llama emerge from the binder and land in the pool. Charlotte and Bob screamed and grabbed on to each other. The splash knocked half the water out of the pool and drenched Conner and his parents.

  It was too much for the Book Huggers to take. All four girls fainted at once and collapsed in a pile behind the fence.

  “Charlotte,” Bob said quietly, in shock. “There’s a pirate ship in our pool.…”

  “Sorry,” Conner said. “The captain was adamant about bringing her ship along. But the good news is that the pirates live in it, so you don’t have to worry about them sleeping in the house.”

  “Right,” Charlotte said with large eyes. “Nothing to worry about.”

  Had the Dolly Llama been just a tiny bit bigger, it wouldn’t have fit in the pool. Auburn Sally and Alex were standing on the upper deck behind the wheel and had a great view of the neighborhood. The Rosary Chicken was perched on the ship’s railing beside them.

  “So this is the land of Sycamore Drive?” Auburn Sally asked.

  “It’s just one of many neighborhood streets in the town,” Alex said.

  “I like it,” the captain said. “The cottages in this village are very charming.”

  Auburn Sally kicked down a gangplank and she, Alex, and the Rosary Chicken climbed down from the Dolly Llama. The Rosary Chicken happily waddled onto the grassy yard and pecked at bugs. The twins introduced Auburn Sally to Bob and Charlotte, and the captain gave them each a very firm handshake.

  “It’s an honor to meet you,” Auburn Sally told them. “You have very crafty children.”

  “Tell me about it,” Charlotte said.

  “It’s never a dull moment,” Bob said. “Wait, is that chicken wearing a rosary?”

  Now that the twins had successfully escorted the Dolly Llama crew into the Otherworld, they immediately began planning their next venture. Conner opened his binder to the second tab, retrieved the Portal Potion from his backpack, and poured three drops on the pages of his next story. Another beam of light appeared and shined into the sky like a spotlight.

  “Time for our second stop,” Conner said.

  “What’s your next story about?” Alex asked.

  “‘Galaxy Queen’ is an intergalactic space odyssey,” he explained. “It takes place in the year 3000 and follows the queen of a Cyborg civilization as she travels through the universe.”

  Alex took a deep breath. “It doesn’t get easier after ‘Starboardia,’ does it?”

  “Not really,” Conner said. “But at least we learned a lot from ‘Starboardia.’”

  “Is there anything I can help with beforehand?” Alex asked. “Think about it.”

  “There is, actually—we’re going to need space suits,” he said.

  Alex snapped her fingers and their clothes transformed into chic, shiny, and futuristic space suits. Their suits were silver and had round helmets, and there were oxygen tanks attached to their backs.

  “These are perfect!” Conner said excitedly.

  Charlotte put a hand over her heart. “You both look so cute!” she said. “Stay right there—I need a photo of this!”

  “Mom, we really don’t have time to take a—”

  Charlotte gave her son a dirty look that said a thousand words, but most specifically: There are fifty pirates in my house and a ship in my backyard pool. You WILL take a photo for me whether you like it or not. Conner didn’t say another word, and his mother ran into the house and returned with her camera.

  “Stand on the grass so I can get the pirate ship in the background,” Charlotte instructed. “That’s nice! Now put your arms around each other—smile! This is going on the Christmas card!”

  “Mom, this is top secret! You can’t put this on a Christmas card!” Conner said.

  “Calm down, no one is going to know what you’re doing,” Charlotte said. “Everyone will just think we took a vacation to a theme park—you know, like normal families do. Okay, now just a couple more with my phone!”

  Begrudgingly, the twins smiled and posed as their mother took a dozen pictures. Once she was finished, they were permitted to continue their plans. The twins tightened their helmets, turned their oxygen tanks on, and toed up to the binder of short stories.

  “Next stop, ‘Galaxy Queen’!” Conner said.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  GALAXY QUEEN

  The twins stepped into the beam of light and re-entered the world of Conner’s handwriting. The words the universe stretched around them, and before they knew it, they were floating through an endless galaxy. They were surrounded by thousands and thousands of stars—it was a breathtaking sight, and the twins had never felt so small in their lives.

  All gravity disappeared, and the weightlessness gave the twins a falling sensation in the pit of their stomachs that didn’t go away. They moved their arms and legs and tried swimming through the emptiness, but there was absolutely nothing to swim against.

  Conner barely caught the corner of his binder before it floated out of reach, and tucked it safely into his backpack with the flask of Portal Potion.

  In the distance, Alex and Conner could see a large white planet with multi-colored clouds, but they were still thousands of miles away from its atmosphere. The planet looked delicious—like a large piece of candy floating in space.

  “What’s that?” Alex asked.

  “That’s Jawbreakeropolous,” Conner said. “I had a sweet tooth when I wrote this story.”

  It was difficult to make out at first, but the twins saw a small light traveling toward the planet. It orbited around Jawbreakeropolous and after the eighth or ninth rotation it shot out a green laser that engulfed the planet. In a matter of seconds, Jawbreakeropolous shrunk and vanished from the universe.

  “What just happened?” Alex asked. “Why did the planet disappear?”

  “It didn’t disappear, it was uploaded,” Conner explained. “That thing circling Jawbreakeropolous is the BASK-8, the Cyborg Queen’s spaceship. She travels the galaxy looking for habitable planets in other star systems’ Goldilocks zone. When she finds a planet she likes, her spaceship uploads it into its hard drive, and then she takes it back to her home solar system.”

  “What’s a Goldilocks zone?” Alex asked.

  “It’s the area of every solar system that’s not too hot and not too cold to host life,” Conner said. “That’s actually what scientists call it—I swear I’m not making it up!”

  “Why does the Cyborg Queen need so many planets?”

  “The Cyborgs have outgrown their home planet and need more room,” he said. “The queen travels with an army aboard her ship in case she runs into any trouble. We need to get aboard the BASK-8 and convince her to let us borrow her soldiers.”

  Conner opened the binder and aimed the beam of light in all directions around him, like a busted lighthouse, to get the BASK-8’s attention. It must have done the trick, because the spaceship zoomed toward the twins and within a few seconds was hovering just a hundred yards away f
rom them. The BASK-8 was the shape and size of a cruise ship. It was made from red steel and had wings like a plane. A cluster of satellites and antennas near the top made the spaceship look like it was wearing a crown.

  “Whatever happens, just follow my lead,” Conner told his sister. “I’m not going to tell them I’m their creator—I learned that lesson in ‘Starboardia’—but I think I’ve got something up my sleeve that will work.”

  “You’re the boss,” Alex said.

  Large speakers stuck out on both sides of the BASK-8 and someone aboard spoke to the twins. The voice was very proper and sounded awfully familiar, but Alex couldn’t tell who it reminded her of.

  “Attention, unidentified life-forms,” the voice said. “Please state your name, species, and home star system.”

  “I’m Conner Bailey and this is Alex,” he announced. “We’re human beings from the planet Sycamore Drivious of the Willow Crestian system.”

  “What are you doing in the middle of space?” the voice asked.

  “Our spaceship was hijacked by Orphianotics,” Conner said. “Would you mind giving us a lift back to our planet?”

  Conner was confident the tall tale would grant them admission to the BASK-8, and he gave Alex a thumbs-up. She hoped whatever plan he had cooking was going to work. There was silence from the speaker as whoever was on the other end considered the request.

  “Any enemy of the Orphianotics is a friend of ours,” the voice said. “Please, come aboard.”

  A large compartment door opened and two steel claws reached out of the BASK-8 and plucked the twins from space like stuffed animals in an arcade prize machine. They were pulled into a large hangar where several smaller spaceships were kept. The BASK-8 had artificial gravity, so the twins hit the floor as soon as they entered.

  Once the compartment door was shut behind them, a pair of automatic doors on the other side of the hangar opened. A lizard the size of a man walked in with two Cyborgs on either side of him.

  The lizard had big yellow eyes and red slimy skin and wore a gray jumpsuit with several buttons. The Cyborgs were half human, half robotic in a variety of combinations. Some were human with robotic arms and legs; others were split evenly down the middle. They all wore red goggles and held guns with barrels that pulsated bright blue light. They also wore vests that monitored their heartbeat and/or remaining battery percentage.

  Alex and Conner quickly got to their feet and the Cyborgs raised their weapons toward them. The lizard man cautiously looked the twins up and down.

  “Neither Sycamore Drivious nor the Willow Crestian system are registered in the intergalactic database,” the lizard man said with the same voice they had heard outside.

  “Oh…” Conner said. “That’s because we hate solicitors.”

  The lizard man stepped toward the twins to inspect them further.

  “You’re awfully young to be traveling through the universe by yourselves,” the lizard man said. “Were there more in your crew?”

  “We had an android chaperone, but the Orphianotics stole him, too,” Conner explained. “Darn those filthy creatures!”

  The lizard man nodded to the Cyborgs and they lowered their weapons.

  “I’m Commander Newters,” the lizard man said. “Welcome to the BASK-8. You may remove your helmets—this ship is equipped with oxygen.”

  The twins unscrewed their helmets and shook Commander Newters’s hand.

  “Thank you so much for rescuing us,” Conner said. “We would have been goners if it weren’t for you.”

  “I’m sorry to hear about your unfortunate encounter with the Orphianotics,” Newters said. “The Cyborg Queen has made many exhausting requests to the United Universe Council to ban them from our quadrant of the galaxy, but they won’t listen to her.”

  “What are the Orphianotics?” Alex asked, forgetting to go along with the story her brother was describing. “They stole our ship so quickly, I didn’t get a good look at them.”

  “They’re a terrible species,” Newters explained. “They destroyed their home planet, and now they travel through the galaxy stealing resources from other star systems.”

  “But isn’t that sort of what the Cyborg Queen does, too?” Alex asked.

  “That’s exactly what the United Universe Council said,” Newters said. “Never mind that, we would be happy to escort you to your home planet. The queen loves traveling to new star systems—I’m sure she’d be delighted to see Sycamore Drivious in Willow Crestian.”

  A loud alarm suddenly went off, startling the twins. The hangar was filled with flashing red lights. Commander Newters and the Cyborgs looked around in panic.

  “Oh no!” Newters said. “This is terrible!”

  “What’s happening—are we under attack?” Alex asked.

  “Worse,” Newters said. “That alarm means the queen has awoken early from her charging slumber! She’s always in a terrible mood if she doesn’t get a full twenty hours. I must get to the Command Bridge before she arrives!”

  Newters and the Cyborgs bolted through the automatic doors and the twins ran after them. They ran through the spaceship, passing several hallways full of frantic half-human, half-robotic men and women. The alarm was even louder outside the hangar and was accompanied by a voice that repeated, “The queen is awake, the queen is awake, the queen is awake.”

  They finally reached the Command Bridge in the center of the ship. It was a wide room with a gigantic set of windows that had a view of the galaxy ahead. The walls were covered in screens with information about different parts of the spaceship, the queen’s location, and the universe around them. There were dozens of control stations scattered around the Command Bridge like desks in a classroom. Each station was covered in hundreds of blinking buttons, dials, and levers.

  In preparation for the Cyborg Queen’s arrival, the Cyborg crew throughout the Command Bridge lubricated their joints, tightened their screws, and polished the steel covering their bodies.

  “How close is she?” Newters asked the nearest Cyborg.

  “She’s descending from her chambers now, Commander,” the Cyborg said. “The levels of her emotion chip are off the charts—she must be upset about something!”

  The Cyborg pointed to the queen’s private elevator in the back of the Command Bridge. All the Cyborgs stood at their control stations just as the elevator doors opened. There was a collective hiss as their mechanical bodies compressed into bows. Alex and Conner followed their example and bowed, too.

  The Cyborg Queen was more robotic than anyone else aboard the BASK-8. She was only humanoid from the chest up, and even that was questionable. Her nose, her chin, and most of her forehead were covered in metal plates. Her left eye was a camera lens, and instead of hair, her head was covered in wires that wove through a beehive of gears like the film in a projector. On the top of her head, above the wires and gears, was a steel crown. The word QUEEN blinked on it like the numbers on a digital alarm clock.

  The queen had thin metal arms, and her steel body was shaped to look like she was wearing a gown. She had wheels instead of legs and rolled out of the elevator and into the Command Bridge. The twins could tell she was mad because her lens was twitching and a few of her wires snapped and stuck straight up.

  “Your Majesty,” Commander Newters said with a deep bow. “We weren’t expecting you to wake early. Did you have a restful charge?”

  “Someone left the gravity on in my chambers while I was charging,” the Cyborg Queen said sharply. “Not only did it prevent me from a restful charge, but when I awoke, the human side of my face was puffy!”

  With this, Alex realized why the “Galaxy Queen” was so familiar—she was embarrassed it had taken this long to click. Without a doubt, the Cyborg Queen was based on Red Riding Hood, Commander Newters was based on Froggy, the Orphianotics were based on the orphans Red despised, the BASK-8 was a clever play on basket, and the Cyborg Queen’s passion for collecting planets was based on Red’s passion for real estate.

>   “You didn’t,” Alex whispered to her brother.

  Conner knew exactly what she was referring to by her smile.

  “Yeah, I did,” he whispered back.

  The Cyborg Queen rolled through the Command Bridge and glared at her Cyborg crew, waiting for one of them to step forward.

  “Well?” she said. “Someone better claim responsibility or I’ll take away battery privileges for the entire ship!”

  The smallest Cyborg in the Command Bridge became so nervous, he began short-circuiting. Sparks flew out of his mechanical neck and his head started spinning. He fell to his metal knees and pleaded for forgiveness.

  “I’m so sorry, Your Majesty!” the small Cyborg said. “I was inspecting the artificial gravity generator and forgot to adjust the pressure in your chambers!”

  The Cyborg Queen rolled her human eye and her lens pointed upward.

  “Commander Newters, please have this Cyborg re-started before he catches on fire,” she ordered. “And have him re-programmed to remember the priorities of his assignments.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Newters said, and nodded to the Cyborg soldiers. “Take him to the Upgrade Center.”

  Against the small Cyborg’s will, the soldiers escorted him out of the Command Bridge. The Cyborg Queen rolled to the center of the room and the bottom half of her body transformed into a throne. The Cyborg crew took it as a cue to be seated at their control stations.

  “Was Jawbreakeropolous uploaded successfully?” the Cyborg Queen asked.

  “Yes, Your Majesty,” Newters said. “It’s been safely added to the hard drive and will be a wonderful addition to your home system.

  “Then why are we still in this solar system?” the queen asked. “Shouldn’t we be at Gumdropida by now?”

  “We were en route to the next planet when we answered a distress call,” Newters informed her.

  “A distress call?” the Cyborg Queen asked. “From whom?”

  Newters cleared his throat and gestured for the twins to come stand beside him. Alex and Conner cautiously approached Newters and the Cyborg Queen. Her lens popped several inches out of her head to examine them.