by Chris Colfer
“Who are you?” she asked.
“Hello, Your Electronicness,” Conner said. “My name is Conner and this is my sister, Alex. We’re human beings from the planet Sycamore Drivious of the Willow Crestian system.”
The Cyborg Queen squinted her human eye at them. “I’ve never heard of such places,” she said. “What are you doing in this part of the galaxy?”
“We were stranded and left for dead after our ship was stolen by Orphianotics,” Alex said. “Your commander kindly saved our lives and brought us aboard.”
The mention of the Orphianotics’ name infuriated the Cyborg Queen. Two exhaust pipes shot out of her shoulders and steam erupted from them.
“I HATE Orphianotics!” she yelled. “I’ll admit there are few alien species I can stomach, but the Orphianotics are extra-terrible extraterrestrials! I’ve begged the United Universe Council to do something about it, but they refuse! They had the audacity to tell me collecting planets is no different from the destruction those scoundrels cause! But I don’t steal resources from other planets, I just move them into a better neighborhood!”
Conner waited for the Cyborg Queen to let off all her steam before he said another word.
“You know, the Orphianotics aren’t allowed in our solar system,” he said. “They were kicked out eons ago. If you wouldn’t mind giving us a ride back to Sycamore Drivious, we’d love to give you a tour of the Willow Crestian system.”
“No Orphianotics, you say?” the Cyborg Queen asked. “Perhaps I should move my planets to your system. What type of star does Willow Crestian revolve around? White dwarf? Blue dwarf? Yellow dwarf? Red giant? I like knowing I have at least two hundred billion years left in a new system before making such a big commitment.”
Conner wasn’t sure how to answer. “It’s a seventh dwarf,” he said. “Yup, seven white dwarves from the Milky Snow White Galaxy combined into one and boom—the Willow Crestian system was formed.”
The Cyborg Queen nodded as she gave it some thought. She had never heard of stars combining in such a manner, and the impossibility intrigued her.
“I’d like to see this Willow Crestian,” she said. “We’d be delighted to give you a lift to your home planet. Unfortunately, there are a few stops we need to make along the way. There are a handful of planets I need to inspect and collect before the Orphianotics get to them. I hope you don’t mind waiting.”
“No worries,” Conner said. “We’d be happy to accompany you!”
“Marvelous,” the Cyborg Queen said. “Commander Newters, take us to Gumdropida, please.”
“Full speed to Gumdropida!” Newters ordered the crew.
The Cyborgs went to work pressing buttons at their control stations. The BASK-8 shot through the galaxy at light speed. The powerful jerk almost knocked Alex over and she screamed. The Cyborg Queen gave her a funny look—surely this wasn’t her first time experiencing light speed.
“She doesn’t get out much,” Conner said.
The BASK-8 whizzed through the stars and then slowed down as it approached the new planet. Gumdropida was bright orange and covered with snowy mountain ranges. The spaceship orbited the planet, and information about Gumdropida loaded on all the screens in the Command Bridge. A detailed hologram of the planet appeared in front of the Cyborg Queen’s throne.
“Gumdropida,” Newters read from a screen. “It has a diameter of three thousand four hundred seventy-eight miles. Surface temperatures range from negative ninety degrees to positive thirty degrees Fahrenheit. Atmosphere is made of helium. Currently there is no life on the planet, but forty percent of it is habitable for a Cyborg population.”
“It would be perfect for that ski resort I’ve been itching to build,” the Cyborg Queen said. “Upload the planet!”
The green laser shot out of BASK-8 and surrounded Gumdropida. Just like Jawbreakeropolous had, the orange planet shrank and disappeared from the universe. The words Upload Complete appeared on all the screens in the Command Bridge.
“The upload was successful, Your Majesty,” Newters said.
“Splendid. Please proceed to the next planet,” the Cyborg Queen ordered.
The BASK-8 raced through the galaxy in a different direction and arrived at the next planet. It was green and had white clouds spiraling through its atmosphere. Whatever sweet tooth Conner had when he wrote this story was contagious, and suddenly Alex had a strong craving for candy.
“Mintune,” Newters read from the screen. “It has a diameter of fifty-four thousand six hundred thirty-two miles. Surface temperatures range from five degrees to two hundred and three degrees Fahrenheit. Atmosphere is made up of sulfuric gases. The planet is home to an alien species known as Gas Whales, but only five percent is habitable for a Cyborg population.”
“Pass,” the Cyborg Queen said. “Five percent isn’t worth an upload—and I loathe neighbors. Proceed to the next planet.”
The queen was served hot oil in a teacup as the BASK-8 traveled through space to the next planet. However, when the spaceship arrived, they found nothing but a field of crunchy-looking asteroids.
“Oh dear,” Newters said. “It appears Granolia was hit by a comet and this is all that remains. Shall we continue ahead, Your Majesty?”
At first the Cyborg Queen slouched with disappointment, but her attitude quickly changed when an exciting idea popped into her head. The twins knew she had had an idea because a flashing lightbulb stuck out of her crown.
“You know, our solar system could use a belt,” the queen said. “Upload the asteroids and we’ll place them between Blousery and Skirturn when we get home.”
The Cyborg crew did as they were told and then proceeded to the next stop. The back-to-back light speed was making Alex a little nauseated. The subsequent planet was a russet color and had a rocky surface.
“Nutfugdus,” Newters read from the screen. “It has a diameter of two thousand seven hundred seventy-nine miles. Surface temperatures range from fifty degrees to three hundred degrees Fahrenheit. Atmosphere is very thin and made of carbon monoxide. Fifty-six percent of the planet is habitable for Cyborg life. Nutfugdus once hosted an alien species known as the Desert Ferrets, but they’re extinct.”
“Wonderful!” the Cyborg Queen said. “I love a good dry heat. Upload!”
Once again, the BASK-8 crew followed their queen’s instructions. When the upload was finished, the spaceship zipped across the galaxy to the location of the following planet. Alex pulled her brother aside as it traveled.
“How much longer until we ask the Cyborg Queen to borrow her army?” Alex asked.
“Soon,” Conner said. “There’s only one more Goldilocks zone left with a planet the queen is going to go nuts over. We’re going to help her upload it in exchange for the use of her Cyborg soldiers.”
“Did you intentionally base a story about a queen who steals things from Goldilocks zones on Red Riding Hood?” Alex asked. “I can’t decide if it’s brilliant or brutal.”
“Oh, I never thought about that,” Conner said. “Red is going to kill me if she ever finds out.”
The BASK-8 arrived at the next planet. It was purple with turquoise rings and by far the most beautiful of all the planets they had visited so far. The Cyborg Queen was enchanted by it. Her throne transformed back into a gown and she rolled over to the hologram to take a closer look at the majestic world.
“What’s the name of this beauty?” she asked.
“Lollipopigust, Your Majesty,” Newters read from the monitor. “It has a diameter of three thousand ninety-nine miles. Surface temperatures range from twenty-five degrees to ninety degrees Fahrenheit. Atmosphere is made of pure oxygen, and ninety percent of the planet is habitable for Cyborg life.”
“I LOVE it—it’s meant to be!” the Cyborg Queen said, and clasped her metal hands together. “Upload it immediately! I’ll share Jawbreakeropolous, Gumdropida, and Nutfugdus with the Cyborgs at home, but I want Lollipopigust for myself!”
The green laser engulfed the p
urple planet. But as Commander Newters read more information about Lollipopigust, a grave expression came over his red face. The commander bolted to a control station and pulled a red lever to abort the mission.
“What are you doing?” the queen demanded.
“Forgive me, Your Majesty, but I just read some troubling information,” Newters said. “One thousand years ago, scientists from another planet sent a vial of insects to Lollipopigust to see if it would sustain life. The high oxygen levels in the atmosphere made the insects grow to enormous sizes and now they dominate the planet. If we upload Lollipopigust, it would be like uploading thousands of tiny viruses into our hard drive! The entire ship would crash.”
The flashing lightbulb reappeared above the Cyborg Queen’s crown. “Can’t we send the army to Lollipopigust to terminate the insects?” she asked desperately.
Commander Newters shook his head. “The BASK-8 has been traveling for so long, it doesn’t have enough power to charge the soldiers’ battle batteries,” he said.
The queen’s lightbulb went off again. “Can’t they use their solar panels to charge their battle batteries?” she asked.
Commander Newters gulped. “That would only work while the soldiers were on the surface—but most of the insects live in colonies under the ground,” he explained.
All the Cyborgs knew their queen wouldn’t take the news well, so they dived under their control stations. The Cyborg Queen was so mad, the lightbulb above her crown burst and fiery blasts erupted from her exhaust pipes. Four robot legs wearing boots emerged from her steel gown and stomped the floor. Tears rolled down from her human eye and oil dripped from her lens.
“All I want is every habitable planet within a trillion-mile radius—it’s not like I’m asking for the world!” the Cyborg Queen lamented. “Everyone put your brains and A.I. chips together! There’s got to be something we can do!”
Once the fiery blasts had finished, Conner stepped toward the Cyborg Queen and tapped her on the exhaust pipes. Alex had no clue what her brother was up to.
“Excuse me, Your Mechanicalness, but I might have a solution,” he said. “You see, my sister and I just happen to be the children of the best exterminator in the galaxy!”
“We are?” Alex said.
“Yes, we are!” Conner said, and sent her a dirty look. “Meteor Magazine gave our father four and a half nebulas out of five in their review, and the Alien Voice gave him three appendages up! Those are the most popular publications in the Willow Crestian system!”
The Cyborg Queen’s eye and lens darted between Alex and Conner. Her eyebrows turned into tiny windshield wipers and cleaned the tears off her face.
“So the two of you could exterminate all the insects on the planet for me?” the queen asked hopefully.
“We could…” Conner said, lowering his head dramatically. “You’ve already been so kind to us by offering transportation back to our planet. I hate to ask you for another favor in exchange for exterminating the insects, but there is something else my sister and I could use your help with.”
The Cyborg Queen wanted Lollipopigust so badly, she was willing to strike whatever bargain it took. “That’s quite all right, just tell me what you have in mind.”
“It’s not for us, it’s for our friends,” Conner explained. “They live on a small planet called Fairytaletopia in the Storybookian Galaxy. Their planet has recently been invaded by a savage race known as the Literarious Villainomous.”
“Bless you,” Alex said.
Conner ignored his sister. “The Literarious Villainomous are twice as bad as the Orphianotics and ten times more powerful! The worst part is, Fairytaletopia has no way of defending itself.”
“That sounds terrible!” the Cyborg Queen said.
“It is,” Conner said. “But it’s nothing your Cyborg army couldn’t help with. If my sister and I exterminate the insects on Lollipopigust, would you lend us your soldiers to help our friends fight the Literarious Villainomous?”
It wasn’t every day the Cyborg Queen was asked to lend out her army—however, it wasn’t every day she came upon the planet of her dreams, either. She turned to the hologram of Lollipopigust and stroked it with her metal hand.
“Fine,” the Cyborg Queen said. “Wipe that planet clean of insects, and I will let you use my Cyborg army to save Fairytaletopia.”
Conner shook her metal hand appreciatively. “Thank you so much, Your Engineeredness,” he said. “We couldn’t be more grateful! Right, Alex?”
“Sure… grateful,” she said unenthusiastically.
“Sure, sure,” the Cyborg Queen said. “Commander Newters, please see that the humans from Sycamore Drivious have everything they need for their extermination plan. I’m going to my chambers now to finish my charge. Please see that the gravity is turned off, and wake me when the extermination is over.”
“Yes, Your Majesty,” Newters said with another deep bow.
The Cyborg Queen rolled into her private elevator and ascended through the ship. Alex yanked her brother aside.
“Bugs?” she asked. “That’s your plan? We’re going to kill bugs in exchange for soldiers?”
“Oh, come on,” Conner said. “We’ll get to travel to another planet and shoot at some overgrown pests! It’ll be fun—like we’re in a video game!”
Alex shook her head—she couldn’t believe she had gone into this situation willingly. There were many times when Alex was convinced she and her brother were from different planets, and this just about proved it.
“Commander Newters,” Conner said happily, “lead the way!”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
UNIVERSAL PESTS
We’re going to need two short-range blasters, one Omega GDD, and one Bio-Mat Compass,” Conner said. “Oh, and the 2999 Moon Jumper Express to get us there.”
Commander Newters gave him a peculiar look. “You’re very well informed as to our armory for someone who’s never been aboard this ship before.”
As if the BASK-8’s arsenal were a vending machine, Newters punched the codes of the devices Conner had requested into a touchscreen and they were brought out on a conveyor belt. The short-range blasters were long and silver with a bright blue light pulsating from the barrels, just like the Cyborg soldiers’ guns. The Omega GDD was short and round like a propane tank and had a small keypad at the top. The Bio-Mat Compass looked like a thick silver watch with a holographic arrow.
The commander handed a blaster to each of the twins, and Conner fastened the compass around his wrist. The Omega GDD was heavy, so Alex and Conner carried it together.
“What do the Omega GDD and the Bio-Mat Compass do?” Alex asked.
“The Omega GDD stands for gamma detonation device—it’s a very powerful bomb that uses gamma rays to vaporize its targets,” Newters explained. “The Bio-Mat Compass detects biological material within a three-hundred-yard radius.”
Alex gulped. “I’m sorry I asked,” she said.
“To detonate the Omega GDD, type in the code LRRH215, wait for confirmation, and then run,” Newters said. “The 2999 Moon Jumper Express is in the spacecraft hangar. I’ll show you to it.”
The twins followed the commander through the spaceship. The short-range blasters and Omega GDD made Alex uneasy, and she held them away from her body. She was terrified the tiniest bump or tap would set them off and injure someone. Conner, on the other hand, couldn’t have been more excited to be holding the weapons from his story. When he was a kid, he used to spend hours pretending he was fighting evil aliens on a distant planet with the devices now in his hands. He was eager to get to Lollipopigust and live his childhood fantasy.
Conner twirled and pointed the blaster around the halls as they walked through the BASK-8. He re-enacted scenes from his favorite action movies and even made the sound effects to go along with it.
“Conner, knock it off!” Alex said. “You’re gonna hurt someone with that!”
“Relax, I have the safety on,” he said. “Oops—okay, now I
have the safety on.”
The commander and the twins walked through a set of automatic doors and arrived in the hangar. He showed them to a small spacecraft with the words 2999 Moon Jumper Express engraved along the side of it. The spacecraft was the size of an SUV and looked like a mini version of the BASK-8. It was made of red steel and had two wings and a small crown of satellites and antennas. Newters pressed a button on the side of it and the door of the spacecraft slid open. There were two seats inside and compartments to store their weapons, but no sign of steering controls.
“How are we supposed to fly this thing?” Alex asked.
“The 2999 Moon Jumper Express is controlled from the BASK-8,” Newters said. “It prevents our spacecraft from being hijacked by Orphianotics—no offense.”
Alex was relieved. If her brother had been planning to pilot the 2999 Moon Jumper Express himself, she wasn’t sure they would have made it to Lollipopigust. The twins stored their weapons in the compartments, tightened their helmets, and then strapped themselves into the seats. Newters hesitated before closing the spacecraft door behind them.
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” he asked like a concerned father.
“One hundred percent,” Conner said. “Once you’ve exterminated one alien insect species, you’ve exterminated them all. By the way, would you mind holding on to this until I get back?”
Conner handed the commander his backpack.
“It’ll be safe with me,” Newters said. “Good luck, exterminators. May the cosmos smile upon you.”
The commander moved three fingers in a circle through the air and then pointed to his heart. Conner copied the motion exactly and Alex did her best to mimic him, but it was bizarre to her. Newters shut the door of the 2999 Moon Jumper Express and headed out of the hangar.
“‘May the cosmos smile upon you’?” Alex laughed. “Is that, like, a ‘Galaxy Queen’ catchphrase?”
“Do you know how hard it is coming up with an original science-fiction saying?” Conner asked. “Nearly impossible.”