All the applicants were called that very night to the college and elimination rounds started. No sleep, no food, back to back group discussions & presentations. That entire week it felt like we were competing to make it towards the stairway to heaven, with every passing round the worth of that position kept increasing in our heads. Being one of them was painted to be like being among the royals in our minds. Now whoever wasn’t sure of it earlier, even wanted it. I had made it to the last round and now had to be interviewed by one of their senior members, I had no idea if it was a stress interview or she was taking a shot at concealed ragging, but I chose to think the former. She asked me horrible questions and attempted to ridicule me after every sentence I said. After putting myself through five sleepless nights for their process I expected them to have professionalism in this last round but sadly it was anything but that. I kept my cool and answered all her questions as politely as I could. “I think all your confidence comes out of you being a 9 pointer in Electrical & Electronics Engineering from CVIT, I want to tell you that it doesn’t matter here, everything you have achieved in your past… all your gold medals …is reduced to zero because now we are all the same”. I knew that her words came out of her own envy just like Nisha’s in the CVIT library, otherwise, why would she say that? I was being nothing but sweet! But then darkness overshadowed all the thoughts which used to give me the power to stand up to people like her, she had said the same sentence as Mr. Lala from corporate. Before I could have realized, I was in tears. She was taken aback and apologized, “Take a minute”, she said as she went out. I was still figuring out why I cried when I heard her saying to her fellow placecommers in the adjacent room that she got me, they laughed. I wanted to walk away from that interview but in my mind, I thought I had developed a tendency to run away from tough situations and I pushed myself to stay back & complete the process as a step to overcome it.
The results were announced later that day and I knew with the tone of jealousy that I had sensed in the interview that they were bothered by the golds, they wouldn’t want me to be a part of their team as they would have thought, it would push the strength of my resume farther than their own. I was prepared for this as Aman had told me one of his similar business school experiences once. But what was more disappointing was that after rigorously testing our writing, speaking & people skills for a week, Srishti chose her undergrad college senior, her college boyfriend’s best friend who was now her junior as the chief of placement committee and her own favorite course mate from the same college, Chaitra Vishnoi who was well known to have a really sour attitude, now we knew why! because she had Srishti - justifying herself without anyone questioning her, Srishti said they were interviewed by others. She wasn’t the only one doing something like that. Almost all the students selected had some connection with one of the senior placecommers and according to Srishti, they had all been interviewed by others! Huh! After listening to the senior interviewing, me discussing all the details with her entire team mercilessly, I knew that wasn’t possible. I just wished that Srishti & others would have taken those people unanimously without casually harassing so many to make themselves feel better.
Classes started and I decided to focus there, I had made a fool out of myself to believe that the selection processes for office bearing positions were fair, first the class representative mix up & then the placement committee! I was done being a puppet for their amusement. But we were asked by the career development services to mandatorily take up at least one club. I was a technologist & no club catered to it but after thinking about it hard, I chose the finance club. Throughout the entire process for placecom I noticed that their most popular committee member, Ankit Sharma was least involved. I had faith that at least his other club where he was the in charge of operations & where none of the other placecommers were present, would keep me away from the ugly activities happening around. I gathered all my energy to attend one of their sessions on a Monday afternoon and it turned out to be refreshingly interesting. Ankit was definitely the best our business school had in finance, he took an amazing session on investments & special purpose vehicle, just that and no drama. By the end of the session, I was glad of my choice. It didn’t feel like it had been four hours since we had been listening to him, he was effortless. It was late in the evening and I wanted to head back to the hostel but the Mumbai rains had started to make our lives chaotic. I sat on a bench at the reception, waiting for the rain to slow down, but twenty minutes passed and it only got worse. I couldn’t imagine walking back to my hostel in that weather and at that hour, so decided to book a cab. “Hey! You look worried, can we drop you somewhere?”, asked Ankit as he came beside me all of a sudden, he had one of his friends along with him. I was surprised by the friendly tone of his voice, he was well known to be an authoritarian. “I stay at the hostel, not far. I have waited long enough though, was about to book a cab?”, I replied. “The girl’s hostel, right? Are you telling me you are booking a cab for a destination which is 500 meters away?”, he looked at me and then at his friend, perplexed. “Yes, I can’t walk when it’s wet and dirty outside”, I was trying hard to justify myself. “My God! You are such a cotton doll, haha”, they both laughed. “Come, today we will drop you and I guarantee that you’ll start enjoying the rains”, Ankit said with a radiant smile. I couldn’t say no. The roads were full of water, traffic was at its peak, Ankit led the way and asked me to follow him, behind was his friend. They both waited downstairs till I texted Ankit that I had reached. I thanked him for his wonderful gesture.
After this day he became my go-to person whenever I felt down. He would make my life so much simpler by making me laugh all my worries away. But for how long? It was just one month left for them to go for their Milan semester. When it came to my batchmates, I admit that I had judged them long back at the fresher’s party where they got drunk, partied like teenagers & hooked up randomly. All these things were never for me, I was way past my drinking & partying phase and hence I just couldn’t resonate with them. One day I had gone to buy some essentials when I saw Ankit there. He immediately took the bags away from my hand and we went for a coffee. “There’s a mystery about you, there’s a pain in your eyes that you are trying to hide”, he said. I looked down. “Don’t suffer so much, if you are comfortable then you can open up to me”, he added. He was the only one who saw through me at our b school, I felt warm and told him most of the things I had gone through but in a superficial way.” I know it’s not the entire truth but it’s okay, it’s at least the first step “. He smiled. “Let me drop you home, but I guess your hostel is far from here, you want me to book you a ride?”. “No, let’s walk”, I said. I had started to like his company. We were joking about random classmates when I noticed he was fidgeting. “You don’t talk to many girls, do you?”, I laughed. “Nopes!”, he had a hilarious grin on his face. I asked him why did he then speak to me. “You were different, the day I saw you in the placecom process, your personality caught my attention “. We smiled. “You are not what they think of you, you are simple & just want respect and maybe … love”, he hugged me goodnight near my hostel and as usual waited till I texted him that I had reached my room. To me, it felt like casual admiration.
Studies had started and most of my time went in working with my group for class projects. It had become extremely hectic managing them with the classes and the guest lectures. All the academic clubs were now appointing core committee members and so was finance club, they announced it at our weekly meet. I went to speak to Ankit during the session after which the core committee interviews had to be conducted. I t was the first time we were speaking to each other publicly, “Do you think being a badge holder adds to one’s resume drastically?”. “It does”, he replied.” I think I don’t want to stay in the club after you leave for Milan in the next three days “. I was shocked to hear myself as well, “Um, excuse me!”, I rushed outside. There was a part of my mind which was screaming how important it was to have at least one club position to
stay relevant. But my heart said something else, I felt if I sat for that interview will Ankit be able to reject me if I wasn’t good? I had become a victim of bias earlier and just hated to be having a possibility of benefiting out of it this time. I didn’t apply for the core committee, I didn’t befriend him for that neither I wanted him to feel that way ever. He was stunned when he got to know I hadn’t applied but had to carry on with the rounds and choose five people. According to the tradition, when the senior’s hand over the club to the juniors, they have to be given an amazing club farewell that night and hence there was a party. I never used to go to such events as I knew how crazy they got but that day I wanted to go, I chose to wear my favorite white dress. The party was cold until Ankit showed up wearing a white casual shirt. Girls were a huge fan of his, especially after his lectures and were hovering around him. We smiled at each other. “Just a minute”, he made his way to me. “Why did you do this?”, he asked. “I didn’t make you my friend to take any kind of advantage, even if it’s subconscious”, I said. He felt sad, I could see it in his eyes. As expected the party had turned into a teenage wonderland and we both were zoned out seeing that.” Let’s go somewhere we can eat peacefully, man”, he was looking exhausted just by the sight of the madness. “Now you know what I was referring to!”, I laughed. We both left the party and went to an elegant French restaurant.
“I can’t believe you didn’t apply, I was disappointed”, he again picked up the topic. “I’ll be honest! I have lost many people I cared about in the past one year, some friends I had have become distant because they have their own lives now. I just didn’t want to take a chance and do something which might have given you the wrong idea. You are the only one who understands me currently & I just can’t afford to lose you”, I was surprised by my own words. He smiled gently and held my hand. “You are beautiful”, he kissed me on my cheek in the middle of a restaurant. I felt cared for and safe. After dinner, we were walking back to the hostel as usual but this time he held my hand close. The streets were dimly lit and unusually deserted. Soon I noticed a car was following us slowly, I shrieked, “Ankit! I think someone is onto us”, I was frightened and broke down in tears as he turned around. “Hey! calm down”, he held me tight. I hugged him and was shivering. “There are four of my batchmates in that car, I have never been spotted with a girl this way before so must have been following us to get more information, you know how mischievous they can get right! I know the license number of that car don’t worry “. I was still trembling with fear. “No one can do anything to you until I am with you and I am always going to be “. He kissed me softly. I was so scared of the loneliness that I had been dealing with in this huge city and that day he saved me from going into the darkness. He dropped me to the hostel the usual way.
That entire night my heart kept me awake, I had just found someone who was slowly mending my heart but was leaving for Milan in the next 72 hours. He had to stay there for four long months! Probably the kiss meant nothing. Then I thought of how Aman must have dealt with our separation and I was sure that given his popularity he must have met one or so many. I was thinking in iterations and finally, I told my heart to stop obsessing about Mr. Right. The next day I went for my classes keeping my brave face on. As soon as I entered the campus, I saw Ankit waiting for me at the reception. It seemed that even he hadn’t slept the entire night. “Shivangi! Can we talk”, he asked. I followed him to the study area. “Listen! let’s not make it awkward. I know you are leaving, it’s okay”, I said. “Just sit here”, he handed me a piece of my favorite cake from the coffee shop we had first met at. “I am a man of few words and I just want to confess that I love you. You might feel that we haven’t spent so much time together but for me, I have never had a better evening than the ones with you. I want to care for you, I want to protect you and I never want to see you cry again. I know I am leaving soon but trust me each day I’ll be there, I ‘ll just think of you & no one else. Once I give a commitment I give one and if you have a doubt you can ask any of my batchmates. Just be mine & I give you my word that I’ll never let anything make you upset ever again “. I was speechless. He had said the same words I had always dreamt to hear from the man of my dreams and I was deeply moved. He held me close as I sobbed and then we had our first meal of the day together - the proposal pastry.
The next two days, he took me around all the beautiful places in Mumbai. We saw sunsets at the beautiful sea, had his favorite Gujrati dishes and went to meet some of his friends too. But reality had hit hard and it was time, the day had come when he was getting late for his flight as we overspent our time at the beach. There was not enough time left to even book a taxi, he stopped an auto-rickshaw, threw all his luggage inside, turned around, hugged me quickly, “Please go to the hostel, don’t stand here. I’ll call you “. He sat in the auto and I held his hand. The rickshaw started and our hands drifted apart. We kept screaming & waving at each other until we left each other’s sight. I stood there longer than I had expected, trying to figure out with my embarrassing moist eyes, how I’ll survive the pain of seeing my happiness go far away yet again.
8
It was September, 2018, all my attention was concentrated on academics & building my resume. I didn’t want to give in to the student political circle I had been a victim of and decided that I won’t let having, no office bearing position affect my trajectory at business school. I was alone in my quest again but this time wasn’t lonely. Ankit used to video call me from Milan every single night after classes. My grades were consistent and now with some time in my hand, I started to apply for industry projects rigorously. I found an amazing opportunity at one of the popular IT consulting firms and started to gain expertise while working with their executive team. After this milestone, students at the consulting club started to approach me for taking learning & development trainings, it was a chance for me to enhance my public speaking skills. My first session was going really well but I guess it wasn’t with the people on campus who had targeted me initially. Chaitra Vaishnoi, along with two others barged into the classroom disrupting my flow and sat on the first bench, the two new ones she had along with her, helped her pull off all her misdemeanors. I gathered my thoughts and continued with my presentation.
“How dare you speak to Niraj sir?”, she yelled from her seat. Niraj sir, was the head of career development services at our campus, who along with a team of three managed all the recruitment activity and corporate interaction. Placecom was a student body working for him. Days ago, when I had met Niraj sir in the corridor, I had told him that a senior executive at the IT consulting company I was working at was interested to visit our campus for a guest lecture sometime, he was looking forward to it & had cheerfully told me to make all the arrangements. I assumed Chaitra being in placecom somehow wanted to create a ruckus out of nothing. I chose not to reply to her and continued. In a minute, she created a huge scene by acting to have a loud conversation with one of her allies, Umesh Jain who was also in placecom with her. She went on to say nasty things about me before she crossed her limit by using an abusive word. That was all I could take. “Show some manners and let’s talk later, this is a club session”, I said. “What do you think of yourself? You think you are the best and all of us are inferior to you? How dare you speak to Niraj sir? Only students in the placement committee are supposed to speak with him! Umesh, say something”, she was screaming at the top of her voice just when Umesh jumped into the conversation out of nowhere, “You can’t shout or retaliate, it’s time we confront your attitude “. When Umesh said this, he flexed his body trying to show me his strength in some way, it was downright demeaning. They both had surpassed their limits that day by an unbearable margin.
Chaitra & many others had an inferiority complex because of their own limitations they had in their minds & Umesh well! Was an ill-mannered rebel, ready to scream whenever and wherever his friends asked him to? “I can speak to whoever I wish, this campus is equally mine”, I left the classroom,
but they didn’t stop there. They tried to enrage all their friends and my batchmates against me for an hour. Despite seeing the entire episode from their eyes, the students kept a diplomatic stand because they were scared that going against placecommers would cost them their placement in some way, what they didn’t understand was that in these months, placecom didn’t have even one tangible achievement of their own apart from spreading a myth among the students about how powerful they were. Anyways, I had to report this violent behavior as it was threatening and enquiries happened.
A day after I was called to be told the results of the enquiry, “They both are not well and are depressed, Shivangi. They didn’t do anything intentionally”, said our discipline in charge at the campus. “Mam, whatever the reason might be, they are a threat to my safety and I just don’t want them to be in my proximity”. She assured me that she had conveyed them to maintain a distance from me at the campus, almost like a restraining order. Still, Chaitra didn’t stop rolling her eyes & making uncomfortable gestures. It was again on me to overcome this provocation from my own side.
One day Umesh’s roommate stopped me after classes and said he wanted to speak with me, “Apologize to Umesh! He has a big ego and since you have answered him back, he has not been keeping fine “. I was appalled. “He was the one who entered this argument, he was the one who threatened me showing his physical strength when his words didn’t work! Why should I apologize?”, I replied. “See there is a thing called male ego, in his case, you have destroyed it in front of our whole batch, boys can’t deal with it, just apologize! you are elder to him “. “Listen, mister! If your friend has problems with a woman merely replying to something he started then he needs help. I will not be saying sorry to him in the next 500 years “. “Don’t speak loudly!”, his friend yelled. At that moment, my hearing had stopped. I felt I was being mentally tortured for being a girl, sexist comments were hitting me again. I wanted to escape but that guy wasn’t letting me leave, finally, his girlfriend came in search of him & I ran away in that window. That day I was harrowed by the opinions educated young people who were studying to lead businesses had, where were we heading? Equality of the sexes seemed like a dream. It was deeply disturbing. I didn’t want to rope in Ankit as it would never have taught me to deal with misogynists.
Through Lemons & Peaches Page 8