by Quinn, Taryn
But the baby support group and far too much of Macy’s coffee blend weren’t why I didn’t want to go to the bathroom.
I didn’t want to know if I’d gotten my period—again. But I was almost sure I had.
Cramps, I hate you.
Not because they hurt. Because of what they signified.
So, yeah, I had gotten so many of the things I wanted. More than I’d ever dreamed of. Just one thing was proving elusive.
What had led me to Cabin Fortress—and Murphy—in the first place.
It was early days yet. So early. We’d only been trying for a few months. It was just that Crescent Cove had been built up to be this great mecca of unplanned pregnancy, and here I was, planning the shit out of it, right down to the times I was supposed to be ovulating. I’d even visited Murphy for lunch at his work site with a sandwich and an edible thong.
Three times.
And so far?
Nada.
Which was why I was working on emails and chatting in our newly created Facebook group for Baby Daddy Wanted, that went along nicely with our new website. Along with all the other facets of our growing business that Murphy was working on in his spare time.
He didn’t have much, what with his now three jobs and his very horny, very desperate to be knocked up girlfriend. But the guy did not complain.
Like ever.
He was basically perfect, and I so was not. Too bad a girl could only use the PMS excuse for why she was being a raging emo-ball so many days out of the month.
I didn’t want him to know I was freaking out about the pregnancy thing. It was too early. I knew that logically. In my heart? I was a big ol’ mess of stress.
A knock sounded on the door and I glanced guiltily at my phone before I tucked it into my pocket. I would reply to Murphy soon. Once I was sure I could say something like bring home Chinese, please rather than I have my period and I need chocolate and a million hugs.
Murphy wouldn’t blink if I blubbered all over his shirt. I’d done it before, usually related to my period. But I was trying not to burden him. He had so much on his shoulders, and he was so amazing. The last thing he needed was a meltdown from me.
Neither did whomever was at the door.
I whisked my thumbs under my eyes as Latte scampered up and ran over to the door, barking up a storm. I was halfway to the door when I heard Macy’s very distinct response.
“Hear all that? That noise is why I’m a cat person.”
I was laughing as I scooped up Latte and tucked him under my arm so I could open the door. On the other side of it stood Macy and Rylee and the cutest baby unicorn I’d ever seen in my life.
Here I’d been bored half the day since I had it off, and little had I known my friends were planning a sneak attack.
“Hayley!” I squealed so loudly that Latte looked at me in alarm as he was passed to his aunt Macy—who did not hate dogs, despite her cat-loving stance—and then I reached for baby Hayley. I hadn’t gotten to see the baby since shortly after she was born, and I couldn’t wait to get in some snuggles.
Rylee eagerly shifted her into my waiting arms. “God, I need a drink.” Though she hadn’t been to Murphy’s cabin before, she breezed past me and right down the hall into the kitchen. “You gotta have a beer, right?” She opened the refrigerator. “No beer?”
“She’s having a rough mothering day,” Macy explained, rubbing noses with Latte. She was always happier cradling fur babies, no matter how she snarled.
“There’s a couple hard ciders on the door,” I called, smiling down at little Hayley with her bright blue eyes and long dark lashes.
Seriously long.
“Wow, she’s a beauty,” I murmured as she smiled up at me, as angelic as a Gerber baby, for pity’s sake.
And Rylee was finding it rough being a mother? My heart lurched. I knew it wouldn’t be as easy as it seemed from the outside. Of course not. But I wanted so badly to experience it for myself.
Yeah, it probably wasn’t the best day for a visit.
I dragged my gaze from Hayley and grinned at Macy snuggling my dog. “Let’s sit down.”
We’d just dropped onto the long couch when Rylee came back in and passed around the hard ciders.
“You’re not nursing?”
Rylee looked at me as if I’d grown a horn to match the one on the top of Hayley’s unicorn onesie. Freaking adorable. “I pumped like a champ ahead of time just so I could drink today. Macy promised there would be alcoholic beverages.”
Macy rolled her eyes. “And so there are. Now hush.”
Rylee sat down on the other side of me and kicked out her legs while Macy bent to pick up Latte’s bright green toy squeaky bone and flung it wide. Latte went running, skidding on the hardwood floors, his tiny nails scrabbling for purchase.
We all laughed, except for Hayley, who was already wiggling for her mother.
Rylee tipped back her cider, took a long pull, then put it aside to take back her daughter.
“She’s probably the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen.” I adjusted Hayley’s little unicorn rainbow onesie as Rylee preened.
“She totally looks more like Gage, but I’m going to take it as a win anyway because she has my nose. See? Tiny button.” She flicked the body part in question and Hayley giggled.
“She’s cute for a human baby,” Macy said grudgingly. “Just don’t think I’m giving you any more baby showers if you have more.”
“Girl, shush. This body is solo occupancy for a few years at least.”
“You hear that? Before it was, oh, this will probably be our only baby. Now the kid’s a few months old, and it’s oh, not for a few years.” Macy shook her head. “Baby fever is everywhere in this town.”
“C’mon, we make stupendously cute children. We can’t deny the world our progeny. It would be cruel.” Rylee grinned and adjusted her hold on her daughter so she could reach for her cider. “Just gonna fuck like bunnies until if and when. Once the doctor clears me anyway. I was stitched up like a damn Velveteen rabbit.”
I winced. There was an image.
“Speaking of baby fever.” Macy reached for the paper bag beside her purse. “I got you something.”
“We got you something,” Rylee corrected. “Who saw it first and mentioned Vee?”
“She’s such a glory hound. Here.” Macy pushed the bag into my lap.
Already my stomach was knotting with dread. Anything baby related probably wouldn’t go over well with me right now. I was so happy for Rylee and the rest of my friends with babies—even Sage, who had become a good friend over the last few months—but I was just a little tender today.
Every day lately.
I set aside my untouched cider and pulled out a tiny gray dinosaur onesie with little spikes on top of its head. And had to swallow a sob.
Later, I promised myself. I’d have a good cry in private. And I wouldn’t burden Murphy with it either.
“Oh, how cute is this.”
“Gender neutral.” Macy poked one of the spikes. “Any kickass Dixon-Masterson kid would love this, right?”
“Absolutely. Thank you so much. It’s perfect.” I didn’t even sniffle as I gave her a one-armed hug, then did the same with Rylee.
“No bun in the oven yet?” Rylee tipped back her bottle again. “Not for lack of trying, I bet, what with how Murphy looks at you.”
It made me smile despite the tears that were hovering. “Lots of practice. No results yet.”
Macy shocked me by rubbing my back and not making a smart crack. “It’ll happen.”
“Until then, we have Latte.” I smiled at the puppy currently curled up protectively over his bone. He’d fallen asleep mid-chew, as he often did.
“And you have Baby Daddy Wanted. Look at that, already in business together. Mace said you practically live here too. Bet this won’t be far behind.” Rylee tapped her own ginormous ring and yet again, tears hovered.
Jesus, Dixon, get it together. You’ve only been dating
for a few months. Next, you’ll want a pony too.
The crazy thing was, if I said I wanted a pony, Murphy would’ve probably built on a paddock and bought me one. He did anything to make me happy. Which was a big part of the reason I was scared I couldn’t fulfill my end of our happy family bargain.
Yes, it was early. No, neither of us had been tested. We weren’t even married or engaged or any of those things, so trying to start a family was probably nuts anyway.
But what if years passed and I still never got pregnant? And what if Murphy with his big family and traditional values started to feel like he’d missed out?
Then what?
I was putting the buggy before the kid. Intellectually, I knew that. But I’d never had even a glimmer of this much happiness before, and I was so terrified of somehow messing it up.
Somehow not being enough for this wonderful, incredible, perfect man I’d found.
By the time they left a short while later, I was ready to take a shower and just hide from the world for the rest of the day. Murphy was bringing home Chinese takeout and we’d binge on Netflix tonight.
A good way to escape from the reality I hadn’t been able to deny once I’d finally gone to the bathroom.
I wasn’t pregnant for another month. And I was okay with it. Or I would be. I’d take a nice hot shower, put my hair up and slip into a nightie, and I’d greet Murphy the right way with a welcome home blowjob before dinner. It would reheat, right?
But before I showered, I had a phone call to make. I’d put it off for almost three months, and today seemed as good as any for making amends. God knows she’d called and texted me enough times.
Biting my lip, I hit the speed dial for my mother.
“VeeBee. Thank God.” The relief in her voice was palpable as soon as she answered. “I didn’t think you were ever going to forgive me.”
I blinked. Say what? My mother never asked for forgiveness.
Then again, neither did I.
“I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have run out on dinner. I was just overwhelmed.”
“Of course you were. What kind of mother springs her marriage on her daughter like that? And I didn’t know it was a special date for you and your gentleman. I messed it all up for you.”
“You did?” I actually pulled the phone away from my ear. “Is this really Andrea Dix—I mean, Newman speaking?”
She laughed, but it was a softer, gentler laugh, not the loud, seemingly false one that always grated on my nerves. “Yes, it is. And it’s a new year, so I guess you could say I’ve turned over a new leaf. Trying to anyway. It’s hard teaching an old dog new tricks, even if she wants to learn.”
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know how to respond.
“How are things going with you and your young man?”
“Good. They’re really good.”
“I’m so glad to hear it. He’s a decent man. After you told me that Facebook post story, I was prepared for him to be some kind of pervert.”
That was so the opposite of my Murphy that I had to snort out a laugh.
“But that night at the restaurant after you ran off—and deservedly so,” she added before I could interject, “why, he sat there and just about flat out said he was in love with you and you were the best woman he’d ever met.”
My throat grew tight and hot. “He did not. Did he?”
Not that it came as a huge shock, since he proved his feelings to me every damn day. But telling a woman’s mother how you felt was big.
Especially since she’d acted wackier than a lawn appliance during dinner and he’d been left on his own to fend them off after I’d split.
“He sure did. And that he didn’t know if he’d get to be the father of your babies, but if he did, he’d think he’d won the damn lottery. I just can’t imagine anything sweeter than that. Right then and there, my opinion changed. Plus, he has manners too. To be honest, I’m not even sure he’s fully human. You don’t think he’s one of those cyborgs, do you?”
I rose to put away the cider I’d barely touched. Latte trotted behind me to the kitchen. “Pretty sure he’s not.”
“I know I screwed up some stuff for you growing up. Us moving around so much, never really setting down roots… I know it had to be hard for you.”
I stopped with my hand on the refrigerator and my dog circling my legs, begging to be picked up. “Since when?”
“Since Burke talked some sense into me.” She sighed. “It took some time.”
“I just bet.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me, VeeBee?”
“Tell you what?”
“That you weren’t happy. That I was messing everything up. Here I thought you liked that we were friends, that you had more freedom than the other girls at school. But that was never what you needed.”
I stared hard at the heart photo magnet on the fridge of our little family, taken just a few weeks ago in the backyard. It was after the first real snowstorm of the season, and Christmas lights glimmered behind us. Latte was wearing a little green jacket and he’d licked my chin just as the timer on the camera went off, so I was laughing while Murphy hugged me. I would have been anyway, because we were stupidly happy.
Swallowing hard, I glanced down at my flat-ish belly. Or we would be, if not for this one thing I kept trying to force.
For someone who was all about fate and what was meant, I sort of sucked at letting nature take its course.
“You’re right,” I said finally, setting the cider inside the refrigerator and shutting the door. “I wanted a real home. A family. Security. Stability.”
“Of course you did. And I’m sorry I didn’t see that.”
“It wasn’t all bad. Or even most of it. You did the best you could. I know that. We had fun, and I got to have experiences traveling at a younger age than most of my friends. Just I would’ve liked seeing you more as I got older.” I lifted Latte and juggled him and the phone. “But that’s all water under the bridge. You’re happy now, and so am I.”
So much. And I was not going to mess it up with neuroticism.
I hoped.
God, I hoped.
“I am happy, darling, and I’m so glad you are. I was thinking maybe Burke and I could come for a visit for your birthday?”
That was a few months from now. I could handle anything in the future. Besides, she really seemed to be trying, and I only had one mother.
I didn’t want this distance to remain between us. So, if she was making an effort, I would too.
God help us.
“We’d love it if you visited for a few days. We’ll make arrangements as it gets closer, okay?”
“Okay. I love you, sweetheart. Don’t ever forget that. No matter what a jackass your mom is sometimes.”
I smiled through the veil of tears that wanted to break free. “I love you too, Mom.”
We hung up a little while later. Then I fed a demanding Latte before rushing upstairs to take a quick shower, spreading lotion over every inch I could reach. I wasn’t sure if I was in the mood for any sexy times—even ones focused strictly on him—but it never hurt to look as nice as first day cramps allowed.
After I’d tugged on one of my cuter nighties and swept on some mascara and lip gloss, I hurried out to make sure Latte hadn’t eaten a table leg along with his chunky kibble.
He was contentedly gnawing on his green squeaky bone, his face the perfect picture of innocence—until I found the purple Converse he’d dragged into his lair. Luckily, he’d barely chewed on it, but I still pretended to scold him until he scampered up my leg for a hug.
Yeah, my kids were probably going to run wild in the streets, since Mama didn’t have a disciplinarian bone in her body.
I carted him over to the couch, about to sit down for some serious snuggles, when I noticed the folded papers tucked in the side of the planner I’d been halfheartedly working on recently. Kelsey and Sage and Ally were all into planner stuff, decorating their weekly view in their calendar and
all that jazz. I was mostly just dipping a toe in, but with all the charting I’d been doing for my pregnancy planning, having a central location for it all helped.
Carefully, I set down Latte on the sofa and yanked out the papers. I didn’t need to know the best times for fucking for the foreseeable future. We would be together when the urge struck, not when my basal body temperature flashed the green light.
I tore up the papers and crossed the room to toss them into the fireplace. I flung the last of them into the fire just as the front door opened and Latte went flying off the couch, barking like a maniac.
Awesome timing, Dixon, as always.
“Hiya. How was your day?” Pasting on a smile, I dusted off my hands and turned to Murphy, whose arms were full of our dog, the plastic sacks that meant our favorite Chinese place, another brown paper sack that made me think of ice cream, and a huge stuffed brown bear.
I thunked down on my ass.
“You okay?” Murphy set down Latte, who immediately barked to be picked up again. But Murphy seemed to notice the bear in his arms and let out a half laugh. “Oh. This. This is for—”
“You think I’m pregnant, don’t you? Is this for the nursery?”
I wasn’t going to cry.
I so wasn’t.
“Are you pregnant?” His gaze sharpened and the joy I glimpsed in his expression both thrilled and hurt me, because I wanted it too. I wanted to give him that baby. Give it to us.
But it wasn’t just about me. It was about him too, and timing. And if now wasn’t the time, it just wasn’t. Maybe it never would be.
“No.” I drew my knees up to my chest. “You can keep the bear for someday if you want, but maybe it’s better off going to Goodwill for someone else to enjoy because I don’t know if I’m ever going to be pregnant.”
“Okay.”
“Okay? Did you hear what I said? I don’t know if I’m ever going to get pregnant, Murphy.”
“I heard you just fine. Have you been granted some future forecasting ability I should be jealous of?”
I almost laughed. Almost. But the frustration won out. “No, I’m just being real. We’ve been trying, tracking everything, and it’s just not working. Yes, it’s early, but who’s to say if it’ll ever work? So, it’s better if we’re just realistic and stop fooling ourselves.”