Except…she knew that wasn’t fair to John. She could at least let him know she was okay, even if she wasn’t coming home.
Her sister…that was another story entirely. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see Faith, but whenever she thought of her, she thought of Katie.
Not just Katie, though. The way the air had crackled with tension as emergency vehicles surrounded the school, the static sound of the police radios, the frantic cries of parents as they embraced their children, and the screams of those who couldn’t.
She would never forget the sound of the ambulance door slamming shut before it drove toward the hospital, or the way the wheels of the gurney squeaked as Katie’s cold body had been rushed through the hallway.
Nor would the memory of her students who rushed toward her ever leave. Mrs. Bryar, you’re safe, they’d said. Safe. Whereas their other teacher was now dead. Dead. Because of her. Because she’d taken the day off to see her sister.
If she hadn’t, if she’d agreed to see Faith in the evening, after work, Katie would still be alive. Here to raise her daughter. But Grace had put her desire to see Faith first, and thus Katie’s life last.
She would never forgive herself for that.
Sophie fussed in her arms from a slight fever but finally fell asleep as Grace rocked her. She slowly placed her down in her crib and crept of out the room, where she took in a few deep breaths and forced the memories away.
To pass the time, Grace curled up on the couch, a glass of homemade iced tea she’d made earlier beside her, and she reached for a parenting magazine Katie had subscribed to before she stopped. It felt odd to be staying here in Katie’s home, especially now.
Her phone rang, and out of habit, because Sophie was sleeping, she answered it.
“Please tell me you’re okay.”
John’s worried voice hit her hard, and for a moment Grace felt guilty for not responding to his texts.
“I’m okay.”
“Thank God. I’ve been worried. It’s late; where are you?”
She glanced at the time on her phone. It was late. Just after eight o’clock. “Is Faith at the house?”
“She’s waiting for you.”
Grace bit her lip in frustration. “Then I’m not coming home. I told you that.” She flipped pages in the magazine without really looking at them.
John sighed. “Where are you?”
The baby monitor beside her crackled with rustling from Sophie. Grace waited to see whether she’d start crying, but blissful silence was all she heard.
“What was that?” John asked.
Grace got up and made her way out to the backyard. She pulled a chair away from the patio table.
“It doesn’t matter, John. I’m fine, but I’m not coming home while Faith is still there.”
She forgot that Sophie’s window was open and didn’t keep her voice down. Within seconds Sophie’s cries could be heard.
Grace sighed.
“Is that her? Sophie? Are you kidding me?” John swore beneath his breath, surprising Grace. “You’re at his house?”
“It’s not like that.” The moment he swore, she realized he must be thinking she was staying here with Nathan and she felt sick to her stomach. “He’s not here. He went to play golf at a tournament for the weekend.”
“That doesn’t change anything. You ran from me to him.”
“I ran to her. Sophie. To be there for Sophie.” She needed him to realize that.
“To play mommy?”
“What? No! John…”
He laughed, the sound grating. “I might be a little slow, but I’m finally seeing things for how they are. First I find out he comes to the house when I’m not home and now you’re staying there. Is this what you want, Grace? You want to make up for what happened so badly that you’re willing to…” His voice petered out and Grace fought to breathe.
“No, John, no. It’s not what you think. Sophie needs me. He needs me. I just… This is all my fault and I…” How could she get him to understand when she couldn’t even say the right words?
“What about me? What about what I need? What about our marriage and our life and everything we’ve been through together? You’re okay to throw that away, just like that, because Nathan needs you?”
She shook her head. It wasn’t like that.
She’d go home. She’d pack up Sophie and head home and try to get John to understand.
“I’ll come home.” Sophie was awake anyway, or at least she had been. She wasn’t crying anymore, but it didn’t matter. She suddenly felt panicky to get home and fix whatever had just happened between her and John.
“No, don’t. I wouldn’t dream of forcing you to do something you didn’t want, like coming home where you belong.” There was coldness in his voice that intensified the fear growing in the pit of her stomach.
“John, I’m sorry,” she tried again. “I came to see if I could take Sophie to the petting zoo, and Nathan mentioned the golf tournament and…”
“And you thought it was perfect timing. Except you didn’t bother to tell me, and let me get worried when you wouldn’t respond to any of my texts or calls. Doesn’t that tell you something, Grace?”
She looked around, at the darkening sky, and shivered.
“I’m sorry.” She let out a long breath.
“So am I. What’s happening to us? Ever since the shooting you’ve pulled away from me, from us. I miss you.” His voice broke. “I just want my wife back. The one before all of this happened to us.”
Being sucker punched right in the gut couldn’t hurt any worse than his words did.
“I just want my baby back. But we all can’t get what we want, can we?” The bitterness in her voice came through, and while she knew she should have bitten her tongue, for some reason she couldn’t.
“That hurt,” John almost whispered.
“I will never be that woman again, John. There is no going backward.” No matter how much she wished it.
“No, but you don’t seem to want to move forward either.”
She heard the frustration in his voice and understood it. She was just as frustrated. So where did that leave them?
“I didn’t just lose my best friend. I lost our child.” Why did she have to remind him of this; why did she have to keep saying this before he’d understand? “I lost my dreams and hopes, and it was because of something I did.” Her whole body shook.
“I was the one who got Katie killed. No!” She stopped him before he could even argue with her about this. “I know what you’re going to say, because you say it every single time. This is something I need to work through, and it’s going to take time.” She sighed and leaned back in her chair, tears streaming down her face. “Maybe you can get past the loss our town experienced. Maybe you can forget that we lost our child…but I can’t. Stop expecting me to deal with things as fast as you have.” She paced the backyard, walking along the patio and onto the grass. She kicked off her sandals to feel the strands between her toes.
If she didn’t hold on to her grief, then that baby they’d lost would be forgotten.
“Who said I’ve dealt with it? You think I’ve forgotten what happened? The pain you were in when you collapsed and had to be rushed to the hospital? I thought I’d lost you, Grace. You talk about wishing it had been you, of trading places with Katie, and all I can think about is the fact that I’m glad it wasn’t you.” He stopped and there was silence between them.
“I know it’s wrong of me to be glad you weren’t the one at the school that day, and yet I won’t take it back. The worst thing I can imagine is losing you, and that’s where we’re different, aren’t we? Because for you, the worst thing has been being alive.” His voice was low as he said the words.
“What do you want from me, John?” She forced the words past the lump in her throat. She couldn’t change how she felt. She couldn’t get rid of her guilt or wishing things had been different.
“The only thing I’m expecting from you, Grac
e, is to be there. With me. But you aren’t. Your whole life revolves around Sophie, because you feel guilty.”
Grace gasped. “Of course I feel guilty. But that’s not why I’m here with her. I love her. She’s innocent and precious and doesn’t deserve to be affected by the nightmare we’re all living. She deserves to feel the love of a mom in her life.”
“But that mom isn’t you,” he said quietly.
She trembled at his words and felt her heart tear into small pieces.
“I know,” she whispered.
“If you know that, then why are you there when your home is here? You could have brought her here. So I need to ask you a question.”
Grace waited, dreading the words she was about to hear.
“Is it love for Sophie or her father that has you there?”
How could he say that? How could he ask that? He should know…he should know.
“But I don’t,” John said softly, his words piercing her heart.
She hadn’t realized she’d said that out loud.
“I love you, John. You. Only you. Nathan doesn’t even… He’s not even part of the equation here.” She really needed him to understand. “Everything I’ve done, everything I’m doing…it’s for Sophie.” She swiped at her cheeks, the palms of her hands wet from her tears.
It killed her inside to know her husband doubted her love for him. Killed her. The problems they’d been having, she thought they could work through them, that they remained unbreakable…but if he doubted her, doubted their love…
Oh, God, what had she done?
* * *
“Faith!” Grace opened the front door in surprise. She was in the middle of getting Sophie’s bag ready to head home and talk to John when the doorbell sounded.
The change in her sister startled her. She was thinner, with an almost gaunt look to her face. There were dark circles beneath her eyes, and her hair was in a messy bun.
Faith’s hair was never messy.
“I figured if you weren’t going to come to me, I’d come to you.” Faith stood there, hands clasped tightly.
“I was just on my way home.”
Grace went to take a step backward but stopped, remembering she’d set Sophie’s carrier behind her earlier, which left Grace with nowhere to go once Faith’s arms wrapped around her in a hug.
“I’ve missed you, Grace,” Faith said softly.
It took a few seconds, but Grace’s body relaxed and she raised her arms to hug her sister back. “I told you not to come,” she reminded her. But now that she saw her, she was so glad to have her here.
Faith shrugged. “I decided not to listen.”
“Did John send you?” Grace let her arms fall.
“No. It was my suggestion. I offered to come and spend time with the baby so you could go home. You guys have some things to talk about.”
Grace crossed her arms. “I don’t need marriage advice from you.”
“Of course not, sorry. I just…I can’t seem to say anything right with you lately.” Faith rubbed the back of her neck.
Grace turned, grabbed the car seat, and walked into the kitchen, where she unbuckled Sophie and held her close.
Faith followed close behind. “I’m also here to talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Your avoiding me says otherwise.” Faith held her finger up for Sophie to grab hold of and smiled as the little girl reached out for her.
“Can I?” Faith asked, her own arms outstretched.
With reluctance, Grace relinquished her hold and her stomach twisted as she watched her sister interact with Sophie.
Faith would have made a wonderful aunt.
“I’m sorry, Grace,” Faith said, as if reading her mind. “I know I’ve said it before, but I can’t say it enough: I’m so sorry that you lost your baby. I know how excited you were.”
“It was my own fault,” Grace said quietly. “Nothing for you to be sorry about.”
Grace jumped as Faith touched her arm. “You can’t believe that. It wasn’t your fault you had a miscarriage.”
Grace shook her head in disagreement and looked away. Faith didn’t know, didn’t understand.
“Then tell me.”
Startled, not realizing she’d said that out loud, Grace turned around and stared out the large kitchen window.
“It’s not just about losing our baby, Faith. It’s about everything else. That little girl you’re holding is proof of it all; she’s…she’s the symbol of everything I’ve lost. I…” Her throat tightened, “I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be the one caring for her, but it’s because of me, because of you, that I am. We’re the reason Katie is dead.” She turned around to face her sister, taking in her pale face at Grace’s words.
“It’s because of you that I’m still alive. You know that, right? If you hadn’t called and mentioned that you were in the city, if you hadn’t talked me into taking the day off, I’d never have called Katie to take my class. I would have been the one there with my students, protecting them, dying for them. Me.” She pounded her chest hard. “Katie would still be alive. She’d be here to take care of her baby, to build a family with Nathan, but I took that away.” She crossed her arms tight over her chest. “We took that all away from them.”
Her voice broke and the tears fell. Guilt, anger, and sadness hit her hard, and she crumpled to the ground. With her knees pulled tight against her chest, she hid her face between her arms and cried, sobbing as if her whole world had just collapsed.
Faith was beside her, holding her close, and when she looked up she noticed Sophie on the floor with them as well, safely tucked into her car seat.
Grace rested her head on her sister’s shoulder, her breath ragged as she struggled to pull herself together.
“Have you been holding that in all this time?” Faith said. “No wonder you’re a wreck.” Her sister’s hand rubbed her arm soothingly. “It’s not fair, you know. You…” Faith sighed. “I love you, sister, but it’s time for some tough love, whether you want it or not.”
Grace pulled back. “What are you talking about?”
Faith stood, leaning against the counter, her arms crossed over her chest. “Grace, honey, I’m so glad you asked that. I love you. You know that, right?”
Grace nodded.
“Good. So, blame me all you want; I’m okay with that, now that I understand what’s going on. But this whole”—she drew circles in the air with her finger—“martyr thing? This isn’t you. Do you think Katie would like seeing you like this?”
Faith began to pace back and forth across the kitchen floor. “Let me answer that for you,” she continued. “She wouldn’t. Nor does your husband or anyone else who is close to you. This isn’t you.”
Grace snorted. Faith had no idea who she was anymore.
“What happened to the woman who looked for the bright side of things rather than focusing on the dark? What happened to the woman who lived her life with the challenge to make the world a better place? Is she lost?” She stopped when she reached Sophie. Faith bent down and gathered the little girl in her arms.
Grace wanted to stop her, to take the baby from her and hold her close to her own chest.
“What about your students, Grace? Have you thought of them in all of this? Are you spending any time this summer like you have in the past taking part in those teddy-bear parties on the beach or hosting tea parties at your house? Or are you only focused on this little one?”
Grace staggered back, horrified at the portrait her sister just painted with her words.
“How can you say that? You have no idea what I’ve been going through. None.”
Faith hadn’t been there. But Grace had been. She felt like she was still there. All it took was a moment of weakness, of letting her guard down, and the memory of that day hit hard.
After Katie had been taken away in the ambulance, Grace stumbled around, unsure of what to do, where to go. She saw the looks on people’s faces, the disbeli
ef, the fear, the horror, and she was helpless to help them in any way.
She’d begged one of the officers, a father to one of her students a few years ago, to let her into the school, saying that the children needed someone familiar when they were found. She’d walked through the hallways beside the police and paramedics, looking for her students, calling out to them, letting them know everything was okay now.
She came upon a closed closet door beside the girls’ washroom. She remembered looking back down the hall, where all the other doors were open. Grace could still see her hand reaching out toward the doorknob, could remember the way it shook as she swung it open to reveal little Ellie Thomlin huddled in the far corner, hands pressed hard over her ears.
“Oh, honey!” Grace stepped in and bent down, careful not to scare the little girl. “Ellie, it’s okay now,” she said as she reached for the Ellie’s hands and gently pried them from her head.
“Mrs. Bryar?” Ellie’s voice was shaky. “Mrs. Bryar, I’m scared.” She launched herself into Grace’s arms and wrapped her hands around Grace’s neck, almost knocking her over in the process.
“I know, honey, I know. But it’s okay now. Everything is okay now,” Grace repeated over and over as she stroked the girl’s hair.
Numb and needing to remain strong, eventually Grace was able to coax Ellie out of the closet, and hand in hand they made their way down the hallway and to the main front doors, where Ellie’s mom, Lauren, stood with a group of other mothers. The moment Lauren caught sight of her daughter she ran over, dropped to her knees, and held her daughter close to her chest, tears streaming down her face as she realized her child was alive.
Grace’s heart still ached at the memory of relief on Lauren’s face. Just as it ached as she thought about the way Nathan had looked when she found him.
Katie.
That was all he’d said. One word. His wife’s name.
But in that word everything he felt could be heard. Anguish. Disbelief. Anger. Heartbreak.
Grace couldn’t say anything. There were no words.
Charlotte Stone had come up to them and placed a hand on Nathan’s arm. She spoke the words Grace hadn’t been able to say.
The Stillwater Bay Collection (Books 1-4): Stillwater Bay Series Boxed Set Page 20