What if that wasn’t good enough? What if he broke and she wasn’t there to pick up the pieces?
She joined him on the steps of their deck, where Jordan was tossing Buster’s ball in their dog’s favorite game, catch. Resting her hand on his knee, she leaned her head on his shoulder and thought about the things she could say to help him get through whatever had happened.
“What happened today? I thought you and Tyler were going to tag team on hiring new teachers?”
Last night, Tyler shared the news that three of their full-time teachers had quit, leaving them short-staffed. They were to create a strategy today, see how they could fill in the gaps and find new staff.
Obviously, today hadn’t gone as planned.
“I wish I were stronger for you,” Jordan said, his voice choked up.
She gripped his biceps and squeezed. “You are.” Now she was worried. “You don’t need to do this alone. I’m here, Jordan.”
Why couldn’t he just accept her help? Why did he continue to belittle himself? She wanted to yell at him, to shake him and tell him to wake up, to accept his mistakes and be a better man from it.
Obviously something had been said today.
With a heavy sigh, he leaned his own head against hers. “I’m not, Char. We’ve got five possible applicants, Tyler is going to set up interviews but each one of them said it would be an honor to work along side me and the other staff who so bravely put their lives at risk.” A slight tremor swept through his body. “Every time someone says something to me about being a hero, about how important I am to this town…all I can think about is…if only they knew. I’m the farthest thing away from what being a hero means.”
Charlotte reached for the ball Buster dropped at her feet and found herself squeezing it as hard as she could to relieve some of her own tension before tossing it again.
No, he wasn’t a hero.
She wished he were. She wished he were everything everyone thought him to be…but that wasn’t her reality anymore. Yet she needed him to believe he was, if not actually a hero, worthy of being called one.
“To our friends and family you are.” She swallowed past the dryness in her throat. “Don’t take that away from them because of your own insecurities.” She winced, knowing what Jordan’s reaction would be to the wording used.
“It’s not an insecurity.” He put some distance between them. “It’s the truth. I hate living a lie, Char. That’s not me.”
She snorted. He’d been living a lie their whole marriage. She squashed a tiny flame of anger that wanted to flare up. She squashed it like a bug, grinding it until it was dead.
“Ouch.” Jordan said. He pulled away from her even more until there was enough room for Buster to come and sit between them.
Charlotte felt bad; she really did. She shouldn’t have reacted like that but it was that or lashing out.
If she took out the omission of his previous relationship with Julia and the fact that he knew about his son, she would agree with him. He tended to be honest to a fault, hated any hint of subterfuge, and couldn’t keep a poker face if his life depended on it. It was one of the reasons people loved him so much—they trusted him to be honest, caring, and always one to focus on others rather than himself.
Which was why finding out about his duplicity was such a shock.
“Is that all that happened today?” That alone wouldn’t have been enough to bring him back to this place.
Jordan rubbed his face and frowned.
“I noticed a group of children from a summer camp playing in the school field, so I went out to join them. Little Ellie Thomlin was there and she ran to me, calling me her guardian angel.” His voice broke on the last word.
Ellie Thomlin had been found hiding in a storage closet following the school shooting, and it had been Jordan who’d found her.
“You will always be her hero, Jordan. Nothing will ever change that.” She looked away from him as she said it, not wanting him to see the lie etched all over her face. She swallowed back the bile that rose with her words, trying hard to ignore the nauseous feeling that overwhelmed her.
His fists clenched. “I’m not a hero, Charlotte. You know that.”
She knew it. He was a man who hid in a school closet to save his own skin. Knowing that made her sick to her stomach.
“She doesn’t need to know that, Jordan. She feels safe and secure with you. Would you really want to take that away from her?” She was asking a lot from him, from the both of them. Asking him to be someone she wanted him to be, someone the town needed him to be.
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his legs, and shook his head.
“No. I won’t take that from her.”
She let out a long breath she didn’t realize she’d held while waiting for his words. Once he realized this was more than about him things would be fine. She would be fine. She just had to remind him; that was all.
“What’s on the calendar for tomorrow?” she asked, wanting to change the subject.
Her phone rang before he could respond. It was her mother. Again.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” Jordan asked.
She hummed and hawed…it wasn’t that she was avoiding her mom’s phone calls except…she was.
There was never a good time to talk to her mom lately. Not just that, but she worried that her mom knew something was up and…no one knew her better than her mom. Right now, that wasn’t necessarily a good thing.
They both stared at her phone while it continued to ring.
“I’ll just call her later.” Charlotte eventually said after it stopped ringing.
“I’d hate to hear the message she’s leaving you. You know she doesn’t like being ignored.” Jordan gave her a small smirk before she swatted him on the arm.
The tension from earlier was gone.
“I can handle my mother.” Well, not really. No one handled her mother. “Now, what’s on the calendar for tomorrow?”
“We’ve got that security meeting at the school. You’re still coming, right?”
“Of course I’ll be there.” Like that was in doubt. It was important to her to ensure that everyone felt safe to send their children back to school come September first. “If there’s anything you need from me, let me know. Sheila has some requests for us to look through.”
There’d been an outpouring from companies and charities to help their town get back on their feet.
He leaned his head on hers, relaxed his fingers, and squeezed her leg. “I need you more than you could ever know,” he said quietly, as if he hadn’t heard the part about the supporter requests they needed to figure out.
Her stomach clenched at his words and the neediness in his gaze, and she had to force away the anger that simmered below the surface. Once upon a time all she’d wanted was to be needed.
She should have said she needed him too, that they were supports for each other, and how they remained strong. But she didn’t.
She used to dream about having a fairy-tale life, of being swept away by a prince who loved her unconditionally and never left her. But not all fairy tales ended with a happily-ever-after. In fact, true fairy tales often ended in bloodshed, death, and unmistakable horrors, thanks to the Grimm brothers.
She wanted there to be a happily-ever-after for her and Jordan. She really did. But the hard, cold reality that life wasn’t perfect, that people let you down and there were no easy decisions was suddenly her life, and while she’d made the decision to look past his lies and deceit…it didn’t mean she’d forgotten and that she was scar-free.
“I know it’ll take time. I know you haven’t fully forgiven me—it’s too soon, no matter how much you smile and try to convince me everything is fine.” He pulled away and looked at her intently. “But I won’t give up, Charlotte. I will do anything and everything I can to earn your forgiveness, to make our marriage work.”
She swallowed past the golf ball–size lump in her throat. She wasn’t sure whether she coul
d truly forgive him. She needed to; she knew that. But knowing it and being able to do it were two different things. What she would like to do was try to ignore it for now if she could. She could deal with the hurt and anger and pain when things were less unsettled…like after the school opened with no issues.
Otherwise they’d be back to where they were a few weeks ago…their marriage falling apart, the life they’d built together slowly being destroyed thanks to his secrets.
While she’d never wanted children, she would have loved Gabe. She would have fought hard for him, pushed Jordan, forcing him to actually be a father to the boy. She would have worked on building a relationship with him and supporting Julia more than she had.
Gabe Berry was someone she’d kept her eye on for years. She’d lost track of the times she’d find him sitting alone on the beach. There was a large rock just down from their house that he’d claimed as his own. She’d take a bowl of ice cream with two spoons and go sit with him. Sometimes he’d eat the ice cream; other times he’d sit there in complete silence no matter what she said to him. As he grew older, she’d text Julia, letting him know he was there, and then she’d let Buster out of the yard and watch as Gabe played fetch with her dog before Julia walked down to sit with her son. Charlotte watched Gabe grow from a quiet little boy to a sullen and somewhat angry teenager.
Charlotte would often ask Jordan to go in her stead, to sit with the boy on the rock and play ball with him or something, and yet her husband would always have an excuse not to.
She should have prodded more. Should have forced him to go.
If only…
Julia had come to town when Gabe was still quite small, and the whole community took in the single mother and young child, being there to help however they could, supporting Julia as she opened up the Treasure Chest, a store where people could sell their homemade items on consignment, and then working together as she focused on supporting members in their community.
Julia became a lifeline in their town for so many members. She was loved by all, hated by no one, and when Gabe started acting out, the men in their community stepped up to provide positive male role models.
All except Jordan. She couldn’t get past that. Now, knowing the truth…that Julia hadn’t wanted Jordan in her son’s life…it bothered her that she’d never dug into it more. Why hadn’t she?
Charlotte was never one to let things slide.
As the principal for Stillwater Elementary, Jordan knew all the children in the school, talked with them on the streets, cheered for them at their softball games…except for Gabe.
She’d once accused Jordan of being mean to the boy. If only she’d known.
She kept thinking about Gabe. She could never understand how one child could affect her husband so much throughout the years—but now she did.
Every time he came home from school and railed about Gabe and his poor attitude, she now understood.
Every time he’d leave when Julia and Gabe were around, she now understood.
Every time he’d change the subject whenever Charlotte would mention Julia, or when she’d ask Jordan to try to be a strong role model for Gabe…she now understood.
There were no excuses for Jordan. None. He wasn’t just an absentee father—that she might be able to forgive if he’d wanted to make amends and get to know his son.
No. He was a man who saw his son every single day and didn’t do everything in his power to be a father to him.
Regardless of how Julia had felt, he should have made the effort. It should have been important to him.
It obviously hadn’t been.
The weight of Jordan’s secret crashed into her.
She’d been caught in a rip current once when she was a teen swimming out in the bay and not paying attention. She’d panicked when she realized she was being pulled out to sea. It was hard to get her bearings back, to keep from letting panic overwhelm her. She’d known what to do if this ever happened: remain afloat and get to shallower ground so her feet could touch the bottom of the bay. She’d been out farther than expected and knew that was from not paying attention. If she didn’t want to drown then she had to remain calm.
It was like that now. She felt as if she were being swept out with a tide she had no control over. She was trying so hard to remain afloat, but all she was doing was drowning. She needed to keep calm, to not lose control, to remain ahead of things before it all spiraled in a direction she had no say over. Otherwise she’d lose it at the worst possible moment—and probably in front of others.
That wasn’t what she wanted. So she needed to get a firm grip on her emotions, follow through with the game plan they’d worked on and make sure it happened.
Like remaining a strong influence for their town, since so many people relied on them.
Like focusing on others and not themselves.
Like making right his wrongs.
Eventually she needed to talk to Julia, but she wasn’t ready. What would she say that wouldn’t make a bad situation even worse?
She’d lost a friend the day Jordan admitted the truth, and ever since then, her life had been thrown into a tailspin. Everything she did now was in reaction to his truth and she hated that. It scared her and she wasn’t sure how to process that.
7
“Well, if it isn’t my kind daughter finally returning my calls. I’m shocked.” The sarcasm in Doris’s voice over the phone was crystal clear.
“Sorry, Mom. I’ve been-” she wasn’t even sure why she was attempting to give an excuse. Her mother hated excuses.
“If you dare say you’ve been too busy to pick up a phone after I’ve called you numerous times this past week…” the disappointment in Doris’s voice had the same affect as fingernails on a chalkboard coated in paint.
“No, no…I’m sorry. No excuses, okay?” Charlotte knew when to give in.
“Better not be. You are still coming for dinner tonight, correct?”
Charlotte stifled her sigh. Dinner tonight? She’d totally forgotten about that.
“Yes. Dinner. I’ll be there. Can I bring anything?” She wasn’t sure why she even bothered to offer. Her mother always declined.
“Just bring yourself. It’s been a while since we’ve had the time to just sit and talk and I’d like to see how you are doing.”
Charlotte frowned. Sit and talk? That didn’t sound like Doris at all.
“I’m fine.”
Doris snorted. “Of course you are. That’s why you’ve been ignoring my phone calls. You can’t pull the wool over my eyes, Charlotte dear. Mother knows best. You should know this by now.”
Charlotte swallowed hard, squashing anything and everything she was tempted to say in reply.
“I’ll see you tonight.”
Charlotte tossed her phone onto the bed and then stood in front of her mirror with a dress held up tight against her. She cocked her head, unsure whether she liked the look. She’d lost some weight these past few months and she noticed that some of her clothes weren’t quite fitting properly.
“Charlotte?” Jordan knocked on her bedroom door and peeked his head in. “Can I come in? I thought I heard you on the phone…”
She frowned. “Just finished speaking to Doris. She was…not impressed that it took me so long to call her back and apparently I’m to come for dinner tonight.” She blew out a puff of air. “Does this look okay?” She kept her gaze on the mirror, not looking at her husband.
He looked her over and shook his head. “The dark blue makes you look really pale. You need more of a tan.”
He went into the closet and pulled out a cream dress that flared a little from the waist. “How about this one?”
She looked at it, at him, and then at the dress she held in her hands. He was right.
“Thanks.” She handed him the one she held, then turned from him and slipped the cream dress over her head.
“Sorry about your mom. You’re still coming to the meeting today at the school, right?” Jordan clasped hi
s hands in front of his body, his posture meek, but the pinch at the corners of his eyes and the slight tilt of his head told Charlotte more than he probably meant to let on.
“I’ll be there.” She smoothed the dress, then opened her jewelry box, looking for a pair of earrings.
“I know you’re busy, so it’s okay if you don’t come.” Jordan hedged. “I can handle the school security issues. We’re almost done anyway. Today is just a walk-through to make sure everything is taken care of. I can walk you through the meeting tonight over dinner.” He cleared his throat and when she looked over at him, he was rubbing the back of his neck while his face was all flushed.
“I’ll be there.” She said again. Why was this suddenly an issue?
“Don’t you trust me?”
She just shrugged. That wasn’t why she insisted on being at the meetings and he knew it.
“I trust you more than anyone else in this town when it comes to this.” She stress heavily that last word and caught the way he flinched at her omission. “The way you have not only handled the media but the intrinsic knowledge you’ve absorbed and the various meetings you’ve attended these past few months on school safety…you are a fabulous principal.” She had no problem giving praise where it was due.
So many organizations had come through their small town with the sole purpose of offering support in any way they could, and Jordan had spearheaded all of those meetings and worked with all the charities that wanted to help Stillwater Elementary. Even yesterday, he had received an invitation from a conference in New York City dedicated to this very problem—the escalating violence in their schools.
“But this is my town,” Charlotte asserted again, “and ultimately I need to be in the mix when it comes to security and what we are doing to keep our families safe. You should understand that more than anyone.” She gave him a pointed look before leaving her room and heading down the stairs to the kitchen.
Jordan followed her.
“You don’t have to be in control of everything, Charlotte.” He said while she poured herself a cup of coffee. “We’re a team. Remember?”
The Stillwater Bay Collection (Books 1-4): Stillwater Bay Series Boxed Set Page 28