One—was the number of people who knew what I’d done to my body.
Three—was the years it had been since my mom thought I’d stopped.
I’d been keeping a secret from everyone. No one would understand why I needed to do it. They didn’t understand it wasn’t about anything but feeling the relief and—for one second—not being me.
I was a pro at making myself look put together. I could fool the one person who knew me better than anyone. Sure, Mom still had concerns, but she had no idea what I did when I shut my bedroom door. It wasn’t like she was home most of the time anyway. She was too busy working double shifts and looking over the plans to the new diner. She didn’t see it because she wasn’t looking. She ignored the signs, and that was more than okay with me.
Just like she ignored the fact it was Friday and school had finished ten minutes ago.
My ankle was sore and pulsating. I needed ice and to rest it, but I couldn’t do that until I was home. There was no way I’d attempt walking, which meant I had to wait until she turned up.
“Need a ride?”
My shoulders slumped at the sound of his deep voice, and my hands started to shake. At this point, he was my only option, but I was afraid.
Afraid of what he’d say.
Afraid of who he’d tell.
Afraid of being in a confined space with him after what he’d seen.
“I’m good,” I said, trying to make my tone sound light and airy, but it was anything but that. My words were broken, much like my soul.
I heard his huff a second before he sat next to me on the step. His long legs stretched twice as far as mine did, and his sleeves were now pushed up, showing his tattoos. I hated that my gaze veered over to him. I didn’t want to look at him. But there was nothing I could do to stop it.
He knew my secret. He witnessed the darkest part of me. And the worst thing was, I couldn’t take it back.
“Aria.” My name rolled off his tongue like he’d said it a thousand times. “You hurt your ankle, and your mom isn’t here. Let me give you a ride.”
“Mom said she’s on her way,” I told him. It was a lie, but—
“No, she’s not.” He held his cell up, and I caught the tail-end of a message. “She messaged me asking if I’d give you a ride.”
Shit.
I swallowed and tried to keep my emotions at bay. I was sure I’d see pity in Cade’s eyes, and I wasn’t willing to let myself see that—not from him. So instead of giving him any eye contact or answering him, I stood and hobbled a couple of steps.
“Let me help—”
“I got it,” I told him, wincing when more of my weight landed on my bad ankle. “Motherfuc—”
“You got a potty mouth on you, Aria.” His tone was light and teasing, making me forget about everything that had happened today.
It was the thing I was best at: forgetting. Forgetting who I was and what I’d witnessed in my life. Forgetting what I did to myself and forgetting what mattered.
I could feel his hand at my back, and I craved to be able to turn around and collapse into his arms. I needed his safety more than he would ever know, but I couldn’t let myself have it. I couldn’t rely on him to make me feel okay, not after what he’d witnessed.
We finally made it to his car, and he opened up the passenger door. He didn’t move as I tried to shuffle myself onto the seat. I wobbled, and his hand grasped my waist to right me, and yet, I still didn’t look up. I kept my focus on the floor and then on the inside of his windshield when he shut the door behind me.
The engine roared to life a few seconds later, and we were pulling out of the lot and heading toward my apartment. It would only be minutes until I was away from him. Minutes until I was alone again. Seconds until I didn’t have to see him for at least two days because I had every intention of hiding from him.
I was so focused on my own thoughts that I didn’t realize we’d passed my apartment until it was too late. I looked over at him, careful not to gaze at his face, and watched the way his large hand gripped the steering wheel. “What are you doing?” I asked, my voice low. I was afraid if I talked too loud, he’d come right out and ask me what I was doing—why I was hurting myself.
“I’m hungry. Are you hungry?”
“No.”
“More for me then.”
I hated how easygoing he was. He was acting like he hadn’t seen every exposed piece of me. He was pretending this was any other normal day.
But it wasn’t.
He parked outside a burger joint and pushed out of the car, leaving me alone and debating whether I could hobble to my apartment. I rolled my ankle and let out a little squeal. Definitely couldn’t make it there.
A few minutes later, Cade jumped back into the car with drinks and a couple of bags in hand and passed them to me. He didn’t say another word as he drove out of the lot and back the way we’d just come. But it wasn’t my apartment he pulled up at. It was his house.
I should have known he’d bring me here. I should have known he wouldn’t let this slide. I should have known because Cade wasn’t one to forget things. He wasn’t an expert at it like me.
“Cade,” I huffed out when he turned the engine off in the driveway. “Please take me home.”
“No can do.” He took the bags from me. “I’m too hungry to wait.” He left me in the car while he carried the bags and drinks inside, but I didn’t make a move to get out. I’d stay here until he took me home because the thought of being alone with him and what he would inevitably ask wasn’t—
The door flung open, and then I was airborne, my head upside down and my stomach pushing into a shoulder. “What the hell are you doing?”
“Taking you inside.”
“Cade, stop! Let me down.”
He didn’t adhere to my demands. He kept on walking and entered his house. The light walls came into view, and no matter how much I tried to deny it, being back in his space calmed me.
Cade walked down the hallway and finally let me down in the kitchen. The tiles were a mixture of white and gray—glossy and sparkling—and the smell of the food drifted from the counter we’d sat at last week. The same counter he’d placed me on and kissed me.
“I need to go home,” I said, but didn’t look at him. I kept my gaze focused on the drinks. “I need to take a shower.”
“You can take one here,” he told me, moving across the kitchen and then pulling the food out of the bags. “After you eat.”
“No.” I shook my head, and every thought in my brain screamed at me to turn around and head right back out of his door, but something kept me in place. Something overruled my brain and glued my feet to the floor.
I felt rather than saw him move closer, and when his feet came into view, I still ignored him, up until the point his thumb and finger grasped my chin, and he turned my face. “Stop hiding.”
“What?” I rolled my eyes. “I’m not hiding. I’m standing right here.”
“You won’t even look at me.”
He had a point.
I looked at him. I finally stared into his eyes and braced myself for what I’d see. But…it wasn’t there. The disgust I was sure I’d find shining in his dark-blue eyes was absent, and instead, I found…understanding?
The air swirled around us as I waited. Waited for him to ask about the scars littering my inner thighs. Waited for him to ask why I did it. Waited…
“Eat,” he said, his voice deeper now, but he didn’t let go of my chin. “Eat and then shower.”
I opened my mouth, not sure what I was going to say. If I stayed, he’d want answers, and I didn’t want him to confront me. I didn’t want him to ask any questions. But maybe it was time? Maybe it was time for me to confess my sins and rid myself of the burden on my shoulders? And maybe…
Maybe Cade was meant to be the person I did that with.
His gaze didn’t move off mine, his hand stretching to cover the side of my neck as he dipped down and pressed his forehead to mine. “I�
��ve got you, Aria.” He pulled in a breath and lowered his voice to repeat, “I’ve got you.”
My shoulders slumped.
He was determined to eradicate the wall I’d erected to keep everyone out, and I hated to admit he was getting through it. He was taking it down piece by piece, and there was nothing I could do to stop him.
* * *
CADE
I didn’t know what to do with myself. I paced the length of the kitchen and into the hallway more times than I could count and stopped at the bottom of the stairs several times. My body itched to move up the steps, but I tried my hardest to keep my feet planted on the floor.
She needed space and a little time.
I understood that more than anyone, but it didn’t make it any easier. I craved to hold her tight and ask her why. Why was she doing this to herself? Why didn’t she think she could talk to anyone? Just…why?
Her footsteps echoed above me, and I wanted nothing more than to help her down the stairs, but she’d refused to let me assist her up them, preferring to hobble slowly, so I waited patiently in the kitchen, listening as her feet met each step. Finally, she appeared and the sad smile on her face had me moving forward.
“You okay?” I asked. It was a stupid question, one that she’d no doubt say yes to, but I hoped she’d tell me no, and I hoped she’d be honest with me. I wished…
I wished she wasn’t hurting herself.
I’d kept my words inside as she ate the food I’d bought her and then headed upstairs for a shower. I’d managed to keep myself from going up there, but the more time that passed, the more questions I had.
“Yes,” she whispered, in that small, soft voice which always managed to calm me. Even when she was a little girl, she had an aura about her that drew me in. “No,” she finally admitted with a slump of her shoulders.
“Aria?” I didn’t know why I was trying to get her attention. Maybe it was because I needed her eyes focused on me, or maybe I was trying to portray something to her that even I didn’t know.
She stared at the floor, not willing to look up, so I stepped forward and grasped her chin with my thumb and finger, just like I had an hour ago in this very spot. Her soft skin whispered over my fingertips, and I knew right then I wouldn’t be able to let her go. I’d opened up a door that had been firmly locked, and now I couldn’t close it, no matter what I did.
I didn’t want to close it.
Her head tilted back, and she finally gave me her eyes. Honey-colored eyes that kept me captive. “I…” I had no idea what to say. I didn’t know what to ask. I didn’t know where to start.
The scars.
Scars I had seen with my own two eyes.
Scars I couldn’t ignore.
Scars I hadn’t asked her about.
It was my obligation as her teacher to report it, but I knew I wouldn’t. I’d bend the rules for Aria. I’d break them. I’d decimate them. Because none of it mattered when it came to her.
“It’s relief,” Aria blurted out, her eyes misting with tears. “I do it so I feel like I can breathe again.”
I swallowed against the lump building in my throat and shuffled closer to her, ready to catch her if she needed me to. “So it’s not…” I couldn’t say the words. I couldn’t form them and get them past my lips. But I needed to know if she was suicidal. I needed to know she wasn’t trying to eradicate herself.
“No.” She stared at me with sheer determination. “It’s never been about that.” Her nostrils flared, and she reached up to hold on to my forearm. “You should know that without even asking.”
“Should I, though?” I raised a brow, meeting her fierceness with my own. “You’re cutting yourself, Aria. You’re scarring your skin just to feel relief.”
She backed away so fast I swayed forward. “You don’t get it.” She limped back and forth in front of me. “No one ever gets it.”
I frowned and ground my teeth together. “Are you saying other people know you do this?” My anger was boiling over. If people knew, then why the hell was she still doing it? I saw the fresh cut, I witnessed the scab that wasn’t years old. I saw the old ones; I saw the amount. God, she had so many, and I was sure there would be more farther up her thighs. She was riddling herself with marks, and it broke my goddamn heart.
She was in a world of her own as she spoke. “Mom found out once”—she laughed, the sound eerie—“but I told her I wouldn’t do it again, and she believed me.” She dropped her chin to her chest and whispered, “Of course she believed me. Why wouldn’t she?”
“Aria…” I wanted to step forward, but I wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was. Did she need space? Did she need me to hold her? I had no idea because I’d never been confronted with anything like this before.
“I’m not trying to kill myself,” she suddenly said, her voice brooking no room for argument. “I’m not like him.”
I blinked, not expecting her to have said that. The last time she’d mentioned him to me had been at the hospital nine years ago, and since then, she’d burrowed herself away in her own little safe space. But maybe that was the problem. She hadn’t dealt with it, and now it had manifested into…this.
“I can get you help,” I told her, straightening my back. “We can make you better, and—”
“Better?” She screwed up her nose. “That’s what this is about?” She shook her head, and I heard her huff of breath as she limped toward the door and into the hallway. “I knew I shouldn’t have stayed—”
“Stop.”
She didn’t stop. She kept backing away. She was running from her problems, but I wasn’t going to stand here and allow her to do that anymore. She needed to face it head-on.
“Just…leave me alone.” She was saying the words she thought she should, but I could hear the sadness behind them. I could sense the heartbreak, but also the silent plea showcased in her eyes. She’d made sure to tell me her mom had believed her, but she shouldn’t have. Just because someone said something didn’t mean it was the truth.
I darted forward, catching her up in two strides. “No.” I grasped her arm and pulled her to me, my arms ready and primed to hold her against my chest. This wasn’t me talking to a student. It wasn’t even me talking to someone who had become part of the family over the years. This was simply a guy hoping he could help save the girl, even if it was from herself.
“If you don’t want to talk to a shrink, then don’t.” I flattened my palm against the bottom of her back and dipped down so our faces were level. “If you don’t want to put everything out there, then don’t.” I moved my other hand to the side of her face. “I won’t make you promise to not do it again. I won’t tell anyone. I won’t make you do anything.” I paused, hoping the truth shining in my eyes drove my point home. “But I ask that you come to me.” I pulled in a breath. “I ask when you feel sad, you come to me. When you feel like you have no other option but to cut, talk to me. If you do cut, reach for me.”
“But—”
“No buts.” I leaned closer to her. “No ifs, no maybes, just this. You come to me, and I’ll always be there, no matter what.”
Her gaze flicked between my eyes, searching for the truth behind my words. “Promise?”
“I promise.” I pressed my lips gently to hers, sealing it with a kiss. I’d move the earth for her if I could. I probably should have been scared of where my thoughts were going, but I couldn’t lose her. I’d only just got her, and I wasn’t sure what I would do if something happened to her. She was teetering on the edge of a cliff, but my hand would always be there to pull her back.
I stared at her face as she swiped the tears running down her cheeks. I’d swallow every ounce of her pain. I’d take it all away from her.
“What now?” she asked, her voice cracking with emotion.
“What do you want to do?”
“Sleep.”
I pulled my lips up into a smile. “Then, you sleep.” I moved my hand off her face and grasped her palm, then led her upstair
s. I’d blurred the lines last week, but now I was erasing them, and I couldn’t bring myself to regret it one bit.
Chapter Ten
ARIA
I wasn’t sure what would happen when we were back at school, not after the weekend we’d had. I’d fallen asleep in Cade’s arms and woken up on Saturday morning in the same position. He hadn’t asked me about my scars again. He hadn’t pried me for more information, and I was thankful for that because I wasn’t sure how much more I could tell him.
He’d asked me to come to him when I was struggling, but I wasn’t sure if I could. I didn’t need him to be the hero. I didn’t need him to come to my rescue, but the thought of him being there if I did need him had me at ease.
I may have still been keeping a secret, but someone else knew now, and they weren’t trying to lock me away in a mental hospital. They weren’t making me go and see a shrink or attend a group meeting. Cade promised to just…be there, which was more than anyone had ever promised me.
“I swear I could sleep for a week,” Hope groaned out from beside me. I hadn’t seen her much since we’d gone out to see her sister’s boyfriend’s band. She was spending more days out on the road than in school, and I had no doubt she was falling behind on her schoolwork because of it.
“Rough weekend?” I asked, wincing at the twinge in my ankle with each step I took. I’d rested it most of Saturday after Cade dropped me home, and not moved much at all yesterday apart from getting fresh ice from the refrigerator.
“You could say that.” She halted next to my locker and yawned big and loud. “Thank god we only have one class left today. As soon as I get home, I’m crashing.”
I opened up my locker and tried my hardest to ignore Jasmine, who was on the other side of me. Normally, her words would puncture me, but today, nothing could touch me. I was floating on a cloud no one could see.
“Aria? Did you hear me?”
“Huh?” I whipped my head around to face Hope and frowned at her. “What did you say?”
“I asked if you had track practice today?”
Defy Fate: Fated Duet: Book One Page 11