“And your sister?” I asked, not looking at Willow. I couldn’t take my gaze off Aria as she pushed her books inside and flinched when someone barged past her. I had no doubt she was getting verbal abuse today. I knew how high school worked, and there was no way she could get away from what she’d done to the head cheerleader.
“She’s doing better now—”
“No.” I finally snapped my gaze off Aria and whipped my head around to face Willow. “I mean, shouldn’t Jasmine have gotten the same punishment as Aria?”
Willow’s brows came low over her eyes, her cheeks starting to turn pink at my words. “What?”
“Jasmine isn’t innocent.”
“What?” Willow’s nostrils flared, and her hands fell beside her waist. “She knocked my sister out, Cade. What more do you need?”
“And your sister didn’t fight back?” I raised my brows for effect. “Your sister didn’t split Aria’s lip and blacken her eye?”
“Yes, but she was defending—”
I shook my head and took a step back. “If you believe that, really believe it, then you’re just as bad as she is.”
“Cade!” Willow shouted, gaining the attention of the students milling around us. Aria walked by us but didn’t make a move to look at me. Today was Monday, which meant track practice, but I had no idea if she was going to turn up or not. “You can’t say that.”
“Miss Simmons.” I closed my classroom door and locked it. “It was nice talking to you.” I walked past her and sauntered down the hallway toward my office. I wouldn’t stand there while she acted like Jasmine wasn’t to blame. I had no doubt Aria shouldn’t have done what she did, I wasn’t excusing that at all, but there was only so much of one thing someone could take until they snapped.
I got changed out of my shirt and pants and into my sweats then headed for the track. I needed to run off some of the tension my body was holding on to.
By the time I’d done ten laps around the track, took a shower, and was dressed in fresh sweats, the end-of-school bell rang. I headed out onto the field and waited for Reagan and Aria. Part of me wasn’t expecting her to turn up, not after everything that happened, so when she walked out of the building side by side with Reagan, I tried to mask my surprise.
“One jog around the track to warm up, girls.”
Neither of them spoke to me as they took off around the track. I stood motionless as they jogged, my stomach dipping with every stride Aria took. She was going too fast for a warm-up, but I didn’t say anything about it. I was just glad she was here.
I tasked Reagan with improving her one track time and then turned to Aria. “We need to work on your long-distance and endurance today.” She was staring down at the grass beneath her sneakers as I spoke to her. “Three laps, I’ll be timing you.”
She lined up at the starting line and then took off. Each lap she ran faster than the previous, and when she’d finished, she’d set a new personal best. Sweat was rolling down her face, her cheeks bright red from the exertion.
“Take a breather and then go again,” I told her, but she didn’t take a break. She started up the next three laps and went at it harder than before. She was running away, she just didn’t realize she’d never be able to outrun herself. It was an impossible task I was all too familiar with.
Reagan improved her time with each lap, and when she hit the time I’d set for her as a goal, Aria was on her last lap. “You can head in and get changed, Reagan. Good practice today.”
“Thanks, Coach.” She spun around and jogged across the field and into the building. She’d made it through the door when Aria came to a stop ten feet in front of me.
“What are you doing, Aria?” She kept her gaze locked on the ground, and I itched to step forward and grab her chin so she’d give me her eyes. My fingers twitched at the thought, but I managed to keep my feet planted to the grass. “Aria?”
“Am I done, Coach?” her soft voice asked.
I dipped my head back and stared at the clear blue sky. I had no idea what to do or say to her. I was afraid I’d say too much or too little. There was no winning the game we’d played, only losing.
“Yeah, Aria. You’re done for today.”
She nodded three times in quick succession but didn’t move. My gut churned at the thought of her possibly looking at me or saying more than the bare minimum, but it soon disappeared when she turned around and walked across the field.
I didn’t move from my spot when she entered the building. I stayed where I was for another fifteen minutes, hoping, by the time I went inside, she’d be gone because I wasn’t sure what I would do if we were alone again. I’d spill it all and say fuck it.
And I couldn’t risk everything just to touch her one more time.
* * *
ARIA
I didn’t know ninety percent of the people filling up the diner, but apparently, they knew me. Their faces all blurred together as they said hi to me.
The whole place had been transformed into a party space and closed to the general public. I wasn’t sure why Mom and Sal decided to have an engagement party on a Wednesday evening. Maybe it was because of their schedules, or maybe Mom just didn’t want to have to sit opposite me at a family dinner without a buffer.
Either way, I sat in the corner toward the back of the diner in a booth, watching everyone talk, laugh, and have a good time. Drinks were handed out, music was played, and a dance floor was created, but I didn’t move from my position.
The above-the-knee dress Mom had bought me still hung on the back of my bedroom door. She didn’t realize I couldn’t wear it because of my scars. She simply thought I was resisting her. If only she knew the real reason.
Belle’s sweaty face came into view, her mouth moving, but I wasn’t hearing anything she said. All I could hear was the buzzing in my ears, and the sound of my heart beating faster and faster. There were too many people. Too many eyes staring at me. Too many whispers between people I didn’t know.
I jumped as something clanged around the room, and when my gaze landed on Sal, I realized he’d tapped a knife against a glass to get everyone’s attention. “I’m not good at talkin’ in public,” he grunted, and everyone laughed. They thought he was joking, but the people who really knew him knew he was being honest. “I just wanted to thank Jan for coming into my life and saying yes to marryin’ me.” He cleared his throat and pulled at the collar of his shirt. “That’s all.”
Mom laid her hand on his shoulder and stared up at him. “Oh, Sal.” She chuckled. “A man of few words, my husband-to-be is.” The happiness emanating from her was palpable. She turned to face the crowd, her gaze batting over them all, finally landing on me. I wasn’t sure what she was trying to silently tell me, but I kept my stare locked on hers. “We also wanted to announce the date of our wedding.”
My breath caught in my throat. How had they set a date already?
“Grown-ups are so boring,” Belle whispered to me, but I didn’t look down at her. I kept all of my attention on Mom and Sal as she looked back at him and then out at the crowd.
“Christmas is just around the corner,” Mom started, “so we’ve decided to have a February wedding.”
My heart stalled, my pulse slowing down so much I was sure I would pass out. She knew what that month meant, she knew the agony and torment associated with it, and yet she chose it anyway. What was the rush? Why did they feel the need to get married so soon?
I stood, nearly toppling the drinks on the table. No one looked my way as they all cheered and spoke about when invites would go out. The air around me buzzed as I stumbled to the side and into the back of one of the booths.
“Aria?” Belle’s small voice called, but I ignored her as my fingers curled around the leather, the only thing keeping me planted to the universe I’d found myself in. I tried to slow my breathing down, but nothing was working. I was trapped, and I couldn’t see a way out.
I finally looked up and stared at the door. I mentally counted the nu
mber of steps it would take, and then took one at a time. By the time I pulled the door open, the world was tilting, and my breaths were pants I couldn’t gain control over. I knew my reaction to them setting a date wasn’t normal—I knew that. But it didn’t make an ounce of difference. My body had taken over, and there was no fighting to get it back.
My back scraped against the brick wall outside the diner, and I let myself drop to the ground. My palms dug into the gravel surface, the small stones biting into my skin and reminding me I was still here.
The sounds of the party were muted, but I couldn’t stand to listen to them. I looked over at the windows, seeing everyone having fun, and knew I couldn’t be here anymore. I couldn’t sit and watch them all smile and laugh, not when I was falling apart piece by piece.
I spotted Belle talking to Ford and pointing out of the window, and when his gaze met mine, I stood. My stomach churned as I let my feet take me away from here. I let them dictate where I would go.
The music got lower as I reached the edge of the lot, but I didn’t turn back when my name was called. I couldn’t face anyone. I wasn’t sure how long I walked for, and I wasn’t sure how many miles I’d gone, but when I stopped and saw the sign for the cemetery, I realized my heart had taken me to the root of the problem.
If it weren’t for the man buried in those grounds, I wouldn’t be this way. I wouldn’t have the memories that haunted me. My hands clenched into fists as I pushed through the gates and toward his headstone. The words etched into the surface were lies. Lies to make him look better.
Loving husband and father.
It was all a lie. A lie I’d kept hidden which had destroyed me in the process. “I hate you,” I whispered, staring down at him. “I hate you,” I repeated, louder this time. I backed away a step and let my head drop back, then shouted, “I hate you!”
I didn’t know what I was expecting. Maybe to feel some relief. Maybe to feel different. But it didn’t change anything. He was still ruining my life even when he wasn’t breathing, and I didn’t know what to do to change it. I had no idea how to fix what I’d become, and it was all his fault.
I took one last look at his name, burned the memory into my mind, and promised myself I’d never come back here.
Chapter Seventeen
ARIA
My Converse slapped against the concrete sidewalk as I walked into the parking lot of the school, but I didn’t take in any of the faces or words slung my way. I was blocking them all out and doing my best to survive.
Survive.
Just for one more day.
I just had to get through the next few hours and make it back to my bedroom where I was safe from everything. Safe from the world. Safe from…everyone.
I jogged up the stairs and headed for my locker, intent on going to my first class. The hours dragged by, each one taking what felt like forever. Lunch came and went without Hope again. I hadn’t spoken to her for weeks which was easier to do because of the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas had gone by uneventfully, at least, to everyone else. I was too afraid to talk to anyone, especially Hope, because I was sure she’d see through everything and figure out what was happening to me.
I didn’t need her help. I didn’t need anyone’s help.
The bell rang out for the second-to-last class of the day. Only a few more hours and then I could lock myself away for the night inside the empty house. Students barged past me in the hall, but I was used to it now. Since I’d knocked Jasmine out, nothing much had changed, apart from her locker no longer being next to mine.
Goose bumps spread along my skin, my hair standing on end, and I looked around, trying to figure out what had caused it. I stumbled when Cade’s dark-blue eyes connected with mine, but it wasn’t them that had me standing still in the middle of the hallway. It was Miss Simmons’ hand on his chest that had the wall crumbling down around me.
He didn’t move her hand off him. He let her touch him in the same way I had.
Sometimes, all it took was one thing to knock you over the edge completely and have you falling to your death. They said you’re meant to get back up when something knocks you down, but what if you’re punished with blow after blow? What if each one pummels you farther into the ground until you’re part of it, never able to separate yourself?
I closed my eyes, sure I was seeing things, but when I opened them back up, she was still touching him, and he was still staring at me. I didn’t know what to do or how to react, so I spun around and headed for the bathroom.
My breaths heaved out of me as I halted in the middle of the room. I turned toward the sinks with small mirrors attached to the walls above them, and I blinked. Stared. I saw…nothing. There was nothing behind my eyes that were surrounded in dark circles, and my lips sat in a straight line on my face, a face that was paler than usual.
The Aria everyone thought they knew was gone, and in her place was a shell. A shell that only wanted one thing. Something I’d itched to do all week but had stopped myself, but I couldn’t now. I couldn’t stop my feet as they moved me toward the stalls. I couldn’t stop my hands as they locked the door behind me and opened up my bag. I’d put my black case in there when we moved to the new house, and I hadn't taken it back out. I always kept it close now, just in case.
I sat down on the closed lid of the seat and stared at the door, not moving an inch. The bell rang, signaling everyone must be in their classes, but still, I didn’t move. I stayed right where I was. This was always something I did at home. I may have craved and itched to do it at school, but I always managed to wait it out. Not today, though. Today I was reaching into my bag and pulling out my small case.
I kept my gaze focused on the writing on the back of the door as I stood. My body worked on automatic and yanked my jeans down, exposing my legs. My ass hit the cool seat of the toilet, and then I spun sideways, using the side of the cubicle to prop my right leg up.
My fingertips ran over the scars, the bumpy, straight lines calming me somewhat. Sometimes it was all I needed, but today was different. I needed to feel the scratch of the blade as it pressed against my skin. I needed to wince at the sharpness, and then finally exhale as the wet blood ran over my skin and dipped between the scars.
I opened my case, the zip so loud it made my ears hurt. I was doing this, here and now, and there was nothing that would stop me.
My collection of blades sat in their own little elastic holders, and I plucked out the freshest one. I needed something that would give me quick relief. Something that would make me stop feeling the way I did right then.
I balanced the case on my other leg and placed my thumb and middle finger against my thigh, cordoning off the area I was going to cut. It was lower down than I’d have liked, only an inch above my knee, but it was the only place I could go to. It was in the back of my mind that I’d soon have to find a new place, but right then, this would do.
I inhaled a deep breath and pressed the blade against my skin without any pressure. My ritual allowed me to keep calm. A ritual I’d perfected over the years. I counted to seven and pressed a little harder. By the time I made it to ten, the blade was piercing my flesh. The sharp metal dragged over my skin, but it wasn’t a small cut this time, I kept going, only stopping when I finally was able to exhale.
My head dropped back and leaned against the other side of the cubicle, and for the first time today, I felt like I could finally catch my breath.
The euphoria was instantaneous.
The sharpness of the cut made me wince.
The blood flowed down my leg and made my eyes flutter.
Then it was gone.
In an instant, everything I’d felt disappeared, and I realized what I’d done and where I’d done it.
My body came alive, my brain whirring as I pulled my cell out and looked at the time. I only had ten minutes until my next class, and in that time, I needed to patch up my cut. I looked down at it and groaned. I’d gone deeper and longer than I meant to, but it was nothing a wad
of tissues and some medical tape couldn’t cover up until I got home.
I wrapped the blade in some tissue and placed it on top of my case as I swung my legs down. I stared at the drop of blood flowing down my calf, fascinated with how quickly it made it to my ankle.
I sighed as I pressed my hand against the cut, relishing in the burn of it. I may have gone deeper than I should have, but at least with a squeeze of my legs, I could feel the burn I so desperately needed.
* * *
CADE
The students for my last class of the day filed in as I stood beside my desk. They all took their seats, but I didn’t move, knowing there was someone missing.
I waited an extra beat for her to show, but when the second bell rang out, I closed the classroom door and huffed out a breath. Maybe she’d decided not to come to my class after what she’d seen in the hallway.
Willow had cornered me for the third day in a row, and I couldn’t get away. I shouldn’t have let her touch me, but with my gaze focused on Aria, I couldn’t see or feel anything but her anyway. Willow didn’t matter. No one mattered, not like Aria.
I turned around, not really taking anything in, and then the door creaked open. My gaze flicked over to it, seeing Aria standing in the doorway. Her eyes were focused ahead of her, but it didn’t seem like she was looking at anything in particular.
Part of me wanted to lecture her on being late, but when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. She blinked several times, but nothing seemed to clear the way her eyes appeared—empty and lifeless. My stomach dropped, and my hands started to shake. She’d buried herself down so deep she couldn’t find a way out.
She shuffled over to her desk and sat in the chair, her bag still attached to her shoulder as she stared down at the wooden surface of her desk.
Defy Fate: Fated Duet: Book One Page 20