CHAPTER VIII AND LAST
HERE begins the never-to-be-too-much-studied account of thenine-hundred-and-ninety-ninth part of the wonderful things which Tom sawon his journey to the Other-end-of-Nowhere; which all good littlechildren are requested to read; that, if ever they get to theOther-end-of-Nowhere, as they may very probably do, they may not burstout laughing, or try to run away, or do any other silly vulgar thingwhich may offend Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid.
Now, as soon as Tom had left Peacepool, he came to the white lap of thegreat sea-mother, ten thousand fathoms deep; where she makes world-papall day long, for the steam-giants to knead, and the fire-giants tobake, till it has risen and hardened into mountain-loaves andisland-cakes.
And there Tom was very near being kneaded up in the world-pap, andturned into a fossil water-baby; which would have astonished theGeological Society of New Zealand some hundreds of thousands of yearshence.
For, as he walked along in the silence of the sea-twilight, on the softwhite ocean floor, he was aware of a hissing, and a roaring, and athumping, and a pumping, as of all the steam-engines in the world atonce. And, when he came near, the water grew boiling-hot; not that thathurt him in the least: but it also grew as foul as gruel; and everymoment he stumbled over dead shells, and fish, and sharks, and seals,and whales, which had been killed by the hot water.
And at last he came to the great sea-serpent himself, lying dead at thebottom; and as he was too thick to scramble over, Tom had to walk roundhim three-quarters of a mile and more, which put him out of his pathsadly; and, when he had got round, he came to the place called Stop. Andthere he stopped, and just in time.
For he was on the edge of a vast hole in the bottom of the sea, up whichwas rushing and roaring clear steam enough to work all the engines inthe world at once; so clear, indeed, that it was quite light at moments;and Tom could see almost up to the top of the water above, and downbelow into the pit for nobody knows how far.
But, as soon as he bent his head over the edge, he got such a rap on thenose from pebbles, that he jumped back again; for the steam, as itrushed up, rasped away the sides of the hole, and hurled it up into thesea in a shower of mud and gravel and ashes; and then it spread allaround, and sank again and covered in the dead fish so fast, that beforeTom had stood there five minutes he was buried in silt up to his ankles,and began to be afraid that he should have been buried alive.
And perhaps he would have been, but that while he was thinking, thewhole piece of ground on which he stood was torn off and blown upwards,and away flew Tom a mile up through the sea, wondering what was comingnext.
At last he stopped--thump! and found himself tight in the legs of themost wonderful bogy which he had ever seen.
It had I don't know how many wings, as big as the sails of a windmill,and spread out in a ring like them; and with them it hovered over thesteam which rushed up, as a ball hovers over the top of a fountain. Andfor every wing above it had a leg below, with a claw like a comb at thetip, and a nostril at the root; and in the middle it had no stomach andone eye; and as for its mouth, that was all on one side, as themadre-poriform tubercle in a star-fish is. Well, it was a very strangebeast; but no stranger than some dozens which you may see.
"What do you want here," it cried quite peevishly, "getting in my way?"and it tried to drop Tom: but he held on tight to its claws, thinkinghimself safer where he was.
So Tom told him who he was, and what his errand was. And the thingwinked its one eye, and sneered:
"I am too old to be taken in in that way. You are come after gold--Iknow you are."
"Gold! What is gold?" And really Tom did not know; but the suspiciousold bogy would not believe him.
But after a while Tom began to understand a little. For, as the vapourscame up out of the hole, the bogy smelt them with his nostrils, andcombed them and sorted them with his combs; and then, when they steamedup through them against his wings, they were changed into showers andstreams of metal. From one wing fell gold-dust, and from anothersilver, and from another copper, and from another tin, and from anotherlead, and so on, and sank into the soft mud, into veins and cracks, andhardened there. Whereby it comes to pass that the rocks are full ofmetal.
But, all of a sudden, somebody shut off the steam below, and the holewas left empty in an instant: and then down rushed the water into thehole, in such a whirlpool that the bogy spun round and round as fast asa teetotum. But that was all in his day's work, like a fair fall withthe hounds; so all he did was to say to Tom--
"Now is your time, youngster, to get down, if you are in earnest, whichI don't believe."
"You'll soon see," said Tom; and away he went, as bold as BaronMunchausen, and shot down the rushing cataract like a salmon atBallisodare.
And, when he got to the bottom, he swam till he was washed on shore safeupon the Other-end-of-Nowhere; and he found it, to his surprise, as mostother people do, much more like This-End-of-Somewhere than he had beenin the habit of expecting.
And first he went through Waste-paper-land, where all the stupid bookslie in heaps, up hill and down dale, like leaves in a winter wood; andthere he saw people digging and grubbing among them, to make worsebooks out of bad ones, and thrashing chaff to save the dust of it; and avery good trade they drove thereby, especially among children.
Then he went by the sea of slops, to the mountain of messes, and theterritory of tuck, where the ground was very sticky, for it was all madeof bad toffee, and full of deep cracks and holes choked with wind-fallenfruit, and green goose-berries, and sloes, and crabs, and whinberries,and hips and haws, and all the nasty things which little children willeat, if they can get them. But the fairies hide them out of the way inthat country as fast as they can, and very hard work they have, and ofvery little use it is. For as fast as they hide away the old trash,foolish and wicked people make fresh trash full of lime and poisonouspaints, and actually go and steal receipts out of old Madame Science'sbig book to invent poisons for little children, and sell them at wakesand fairs and tuck-shops. Very well. Let them go on. Dr. Letheby and Dr.Hassall cannot catch them, though they are setting traps for them allday long. But the Fairy with the birch-rod will catch them all in time,and make them begin at one corner of their shops, and eat their way outat the other: by which time they will have got such stomachaches as willcure them of poisoning little children.
Then came Tom to the great land of Hearsay.
When Tom came into that land, he found them all, high and low, man,woman, and child, running for their lives day and night continually, andentreating not to be told they didn't know what: only the land being anisland, and they having a dislike to the water (being a musty lot forthe most part), they ran round and round the shore for ever, which washard work.
And running after them, day and night, came such a poor, lean, seedy,hard-worked old giant, as ought to have been cockered up, and had a gooddinner given him, and a good wife found him, and been set to play withlittle children; and then he would have been a very presentable oldfellow after all; for he had a heart, though it was considerablyovergrown with brains.
He was made up principally of fish bones and parchment, put togetherwith wire and Canada balsam; and smelt strongly of spirits, though henever drank anything but water: but spirits he used somehow, there wasno denying. He had a great pair of spectacles on his nose, and abutterfly-net in one hand, and a geological hammer in the other; and washung all over with pockets, full of collecting boxes, bottles,microscopes, telescopes, barometers, ordnance maps, scalpels, forceps,photographic apparatus, and all other tackle for finding out everythingabout everything, and a little more too. And, most strange of all, hewas running not forwards but backwards, as fast as he could.
Away all the good folks ran from him, except Tom, who stood his groundand dodged between his legs; and the giant, when he had passed him,looked down, and cried, as if he was quite pleased and comforted,--
"What? who are you? And you actually don't run away, like all the rest?"But he had to take his spectacles
off, Tom remarked, in order to see himplainly.
Tom told him who he was; and the giant pulled out a bottle and a corkinstantly, to collect him with.
But Tom was too sharp for that, and dodged between his legs and in frontof him; and then the giant could not see him at all.
"No, no, no!" said Tom, "I've not been round the world, and through theworld, and up to Mother Carey's haven, beside being caught in a net andcalled a Holothurian and a Cephalopod, to be bottled up by any old giantlike you."
And when the giant understood what a great traveller Tom had been, hemade a truce with him at once, and would have kept him there to this dayto pick his brains, so delighted was he at finding any one to tell himwhat he did not know before.
"Ah, you lucky little dog!" said he at last, quite simply--for he wasthe simplest, pleasantest, honestest, kindliest old Dominie Sampson of agiant that ever turned the world upside down without intending it--"ah,you lucky little dog! If I had only been where you have been, to seewhat you have seen!"
"Well," said Tom, "if you want to do that, you had best put your headunder water for a few hours, as I did, and turn into a water-baby, orsome other baby, and then you might have a chance."
"Turn into a baby, eh? If I could do that, and know what was happeningto me for but one hour, I should know everything then, and be at rest.But I can't; I can't be a little child again; and I suppose if I could,it would be no use, because then I should know nothing about what washappening to me. Ah, you lucky little dog!" said the poor old giant.
"But why do you run after all these poor people?" said Tom, who likedthe giant very much.
"My dear, it's they that have been running after me, father and son, forhundreds and hundreds of years, throwing stones at me till they haveknocked off my spectacles fifty times, and calling me a malignant and aturbaned Turk, who beat a Venetian and traduced the State--goodness onlyknows what they mean, for I never read poetry--and hunting me round andround--though catch me they can't, for every time I go over the sameground, I go the faster, and grow the bigger. While all I want is to befriends with them, and to tell them something to their advantage: onlysomehow they are so strangely afraid of hearing it. But, I suppose I amnot a man of the world, and have no tact."
"But why don't you turn round and tell them so?"
"Because I can't. You see, I must go backwards, if I am to go at all."
"But why don't you stop, and let them come up to you?"
"Why, my dear, only think. If I did, all the butterflies andcockyolybirds would fly past me, and then I should catch no more newspecies, and should grow rusty and mouldy, and die. And I don't intendto do that, my dear; for I have a destiny before me, they say: thoughwhat it is I don't know, and don't care."
"Don't care?" said Tom.
"No. Do the duty which lies nearest you, and catch the first beetle youcome across, is my motto; and I have thriven by it for some hundredyears. Now I must go on. Dear me, while I have been talking to you, atleast nine new species have escaped me."
And on went the giant, behind before, like a bull in a china-shop, tillhe ran into the steeple of the great idol temple (for they are allidolaters in those parts, of course, else they would never be afraid ofgiants), and knocked the upper half clean off, hurting himself horriblyabout the small of the back.
But little he cared; for as soon as the ruins of the steeple were wellbetween his legs, he poked and peered among the falling stones, andshifted his spectacles, and pulled out his pocket-magnifier, andcried--
"An entirely new Oniscus, and three obscure Podurellae! Besides a mothwhich M. le Roi des Papillons (though he, like all Frenchmen, is givento hasty inductions) says is confined to the limits of the GlacialDrift. This is most important!"
And down he sat on the nave of the temple (not being a man of the world)to examine his Podurellae. Whereon (as was to be expected) the roof cavedin bodily, smashing the idols, and sending the priests flying out ofdoors and windows, like rabbits out of a burrow when a ferret goes in.
But he never heeded; for out of the dust flew a bat, and the giant hadhim in a moment.
"Dear me! This is even more important! Here is a cognate species to thatwhich Macgilliwaukie Brown insists is confined to the Buddhist templesof Little Thibet; and now when I look at it, it may be only a varietyproduced by difference of climate!"
And having bagged his bat, up he got, and on he went; while all thepeople ran, being in none the better humour for having their templesmashed for the sake of three obscure species of Podurella, and aBuddhist bat.
"Well," thought Tom, "this is a very pretty quarrel, with a good deal tobe said on both sides. But it is no business of mine."
So the giant ran round after the people, and the people ran round afterthe giant, and they are running unto this day for aught I know, or donot know; and will run till either he, or they, or both, turn intolittle children. And then, as Shakespeare says (and therefore it must betrue)--
"_Jack shall have Gill Nought shall go ill The man shall have his mare again, and all go well._"
Then Tom came to a very famous island, which was called, in the days ofthe great traveller Captain Gulliver, the Isle of Laputa. But Mrs.Bedonebyasyoudid has named it over again, the Isle of Tomtoddies, allheads and no bodies.
And when Tom came near it, he heard such a grumbling and grunting andgrowling and wailing and weeping and whining that he thought people mustbe ringing little pigs, or cropping puppies' ears, or drowning kittens:but when he came nearer still, he began to hear words among the noise;which was the Tomtoddies' song which they sing morning and evening, andall night too, to their great idol Examination--
"_I can't learn my lessons: the examiner's coming!_"
And that was the only song which they knew.
And when Tom got on shore the first thing he saw was a great pillar, onone side of which was inscribed, "Playthings not allowed here;" at whichhe was so shocked that he would not stay to see what was written on theother side. Then he looked round for the people of the island: butinstead of men, women, and children, he found nothing but turnips andradishes, beet and mangold wurzel, without a single green leaf amongthem, and half of them burst and decayed, with toad-stools growing outof them. Those which were left began crying to Tom, in half a dozendifferent languages at once, and all of them badly spoken, "I can'tlearn my lesson; do come and help me!"
"And what good on earth will it do you if I did tell you?" quoth Tom.
Well, they didn't know that: all they knew was the examiner was coming.
Then Tom stumbled on the hugest and softest nimblecomequick turnip youever saw filling a hole in a crop of swedes, and it cried to him, "Canyou tell me anything at all about anything you like?"
"About what?" says Tom.
"About anything you like; for as fast as I learn things I forget themagain. So my mamma says that my intellect is not adapted for methodicscience, and says that I must go in for general information."
Tom told him that he did not know general information: but he could tellhim a great many strange things which he had seen in his travels.
So he told him prettily enough, while the poor turnip listened verycarefully; and the more he listened, the more he forgot, and the morewater ran out of him.
Tom thought he was crying: but it was only his poor brains running away,from being worked so hard; and as Tom talked, the unhappy turnipstreamed down all over with juice, and split and shrank till nothing wasleft of him but rind and water; whereat Tom ran away in a fright, for hethought he might be taken up for killing the turnip.
But, on the contrary, the turnip's parents were highly delighted, andconsidered him a saint and a martyr, and put up a long inscription overhis tomb about his wonderful talents, early development, andunparalleled precocity. Were they not a foolish couple? But there was astill more foolish couple next to them, who were beating a wretchedlittle radish, no bigger than my thumb, for sullenness and obstinacy andwilful stupidity, and never knew
that the reason why it couldn't learnor hardly even speak was, that there was a great worm inside it eatingout all its brains. But even they are no foolisher than some hundredscore of papas and mammas, who fetch the rod when they ought to fetch anew toy, and send to the dark cupboard instead of to the doctor.
Tom was so puzzled and frightened with all he saw, that he was longingto ask the meaning of it; and at last he stumbled over a respectable oldstick lying half covered with earth. But a very stout and worthy stickit was, for it belonged to good Roger Ascham in old time, and had carvedon its head King Edward the Sixth, with the Bible in his hand.
"You see," said the stick, "there were as pretty little children once asyou could wish to see, and might have been so still if they had beenonly left to grow up like human beings, and then handed over to me; buttheir foolish fathers and mothers, instead of letting them pick flowers,and make dirt-pies, and get birds' nests, and dance round the gooseberrybush, as little children should, kept them always at lessons, working,working, working, learning week-day lessons all week-days, and Sundaylessons all Sunday, and weekly examinations every Saturday, and monthlyexaminations every month, and yearly examinations every year, everythingseven times over, as if once was not enough, and enough as good as afeast--till their brains grew big, and their bodies grew small, and theywere all changed into turnips, with little but water inside; and stilltheir foolish parents actually pick the leaves off them as fast as theygrow, lest they should have anything green about them."
"Ah!" said Tom, "if dear Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby knew of it she wouldsend them a lot of tops, and balls, and marbles, and ninepins, and makethem all as jolly as sand-boys."
"It would be no use," said the stick. "They can't play now, if theytried. Don't you see how their legs have turned to roots and grown intothe ground, by never taking any exercise, but sapping and moping alwaysin the same place? But here comes the Examiner-of-all-Examiners. So youhad better get away, I warn you, or he will examine you and your doginto the bargain, and set him to examine all the other dogs, and you toexamine all the other water-babies. There is no escaping out of hishands, for his nose is nine thousand miles long, and can go downchimneys, and through keyholes, upstairs, downstairs, in my lady'schamber, examining all little boys, and the little boys' tutorslikewise. But when he is thrashed--so Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid has promisedme--I shall have the thrashing of him: and if I don't lay it on with awill it's a pity."
Tom went off: but rather slowly and surlily; for he was somewhat mindedto face this same Examiner-of-all-Examiners, who came striding among thepoor turnips, binding heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and layingthem on little children's shoulders, like the Scribes and Pharisees ofold, and not touching the same with one of his fingers; for he hadplenty of money, and a fine house to live in, and so forth; which wasmore than the poor little turnips had.
But when he got near, he looked so big and burly and dictatorial, andshouted so loud to Tom, to come and be examined, that Tom ran for hislife, and the dog too. And really it was time; for the poor turnips, intheir hurry and fright, crammed themselves so fast to be ready for theExaminer, that they burst and popped by dozens all round him, till theplace sounded like Aldershot on a field-day, and Tom thought he shouldbe blown into the air, dog and all.
As he went down to the shore he passed the poor turnip's new tomb. ButMrs. Bedonebyasyoudid had taken away the epitaph about talents andprecocity and development, and put up one of her own instead which Tomthought much more sensible:--
"_Instruction sore long time I bore, And cramming was in vain; Till heaven did please my woes to ease With water on the brain._"
So Tom jumped into the sea, and swam on his way.
And next he came to Oldwivesfabledom, where the folks were all heathens,and worshipped a howling ape.
And there he found a little boy sitting in the middle of the road, andcrying bitterly.
"What are you crying for?" said Tom.
"Because I am not as frightened as I could wish to be."
"Not frightened? You are a queer little chap: but, if you want to befrightened, here goes--Boo!"
"Ah," said the little boy, "that is very kind of you; but I don't feelthat it has made any impression."
Tom offered to upset him, punch him, stamp on him, fettle him over thehead with a brick, or anything else whatsoever which would give him theslightest comfort.
But he only thanked Tom very civilly, in fine long words which he hadheard other folk use, and which, therefore, he thought were fit andproper to use himself; and cried on till his papa and mamma came, andsent off for the Powwow man immediately. And a very good-naturedgentleman and lady they were, though they were heathens; and talkedquite pleasantly to Tom about his travels, till the Powwow man arrived,with his thunderbox under his arm.
And a well-fed, ill-favoured gentleman he was. Tom was a littlefrightened at first; for he thought it was Grimes. But he soon saw hismistake: for Grimes always looked a man in the face; and this fellownever did. And when he spoke, it was fire and smoke; and when hesneezed, it was squibs and crackers; and when he cried (which he didwhenever it paid him), it was boiling pitch; and some of it was sure tostick.
"Here we are again!" cried he, like the clown in a pantomime. "So youcan't feel frightened, my little dear--eh? I'll do that for you. I'llmake an impression on you! Yah! Boo! Whirroo! Hullabaloo!"
And he rattled, thumped, brandished his thunderbox, yelled, shouted,raved, roared, stamped, and danced corrobory like any black fellow; andthen he touched a spring in the thunderbox, and out popped turnip-ghostsand magic-lanthorns and pasteboard bogies and spring-heeled Jacks, andsallaballas, with such a horrid din, clatter, clank, roll, rattle, androar, that the little boy turned up the whites of his eyes, and faintedright away.
And at that his poor heathen papa and mamma were as much delighted as ifthey had found a gold mine; and fell down upon their knees before thePowwow man, and gave him a palanquin with a pole of solid silver andcurtains of cloth of gold; and carried him about in it on their ownbacks: but as soon as they had taken him up, the pole stuck to theirshoulders, and they could not set him down any more, but carried him onwillynilly, as Sinbad carried the old man of the sea: which was apitiable sight to see; for the father was a very brave officer, andwore two swords and a blue button; and the mother was as pretty a ladyas ever had pinched feet like a Chinese. But, you see, they had chosento do a foolish thing just once too often; so, by the laws of Mrs.Bedonebyasyoudid, they had to go on doing it whether they chose or not,till the coming of the Cocqcigrues.
Ah! don't you wish that some one would go and convert those poorheathens, and teach them not to frighten their little children intofits?
"Now, then," said the Powwow man to Tom, "wouldn't you like to befrightened, my little dear? For I can see plainly that you are a verywicked, naughty, graceless, reprobate boy."
"You're another," quoth Tom, very sturdily. And when the man ran at him,and cried "Boo!" Tom ran at him in return, and cried "Boo!" likewise,right in his face, and set the little dog upon him; and at his legs thedog went.
At which, if you will believe it, the fellow turned tail, thunderbox andall, with a "Woof!" like an old sow on the common; and ran for his life,screaming, "Help! thieves! murder! fire! He is going to kill me! I am aruined man! He will murder me; and break, burn, and destroy my preciousand invaluable thunderbox; and then you will have no morethunder-showers in the land. Help! help! help!"
At which the papa and mamma and all the people of Oldwivesfabledom flewat Tom, shouting, "Oh, the wicked, impudent, hard-hearted, gracelessboy! Beat him, kick him, shoot him, drown him, hang him, burn him!" andso forth: but luckily they had nothing to shoot, hang, or burn him with,for the fairies had hid all the killing-tackle out of the way a littlewhile before; so they could only pelt him with stones; and some of thestones went clean through him, and came out the other side. But he didnot mind that a bit; for the holes closed up again as fast as they weremade,
because he was a water-baby. However, he was very glad when he wassafe out of the country, for the noise there made him all but deaf.
Then he came to a very quiet place, called Leaveheavenalone. And therethe sun was drawing water out of the sea to make steam-threads, and thewind was twisting them up to make cloud-patterns, till they had workedbetween them the loveliest wedding veil of Chantilly lace, and hung itup in their own Crystal Palace for any one to buy who could afford it;while the good old sea never grudged, for she knew they would pay herback honestly. So the sun span, and the wind wove, and all went wellwith the great steam-loom; as is likely, considering--andconsidering--and considering--
And at last, after innumerable adventures, each more wonderful than thelast, he saw before him a huge building.
Tom walked towards this great building, wondering what it was, andhaving a strange fancy that he might find Mr. Grimes inside it, till hesaw running toward him, and shouting "Stop!" three or four people, who,when they came nearer, were nothing else than policemen's truncheons,running along without legs or arms.
Tom was not astonished. He was long past that. Besides, he had seen thenaviculae in the water move nobody knows how, a hundred times, withoutarms or legs, or anything to stand in their stead. Neither was hefrightened; for he had been doing no harm.
So he stopped; and, when the foremost truncheon came up and asked hisbusiness, he showed Mother Carey's pass; and the truncheon looked at itin the oddest fashion; for he had one eye in the middle of his upperend, so that when he looked at anything, being quite stiff, he had toslope himself, and poke himself, till it was a wonder why he did nottumble over; but, being quite full of the spirit of justice (as allpolicemen, and their truncheons, ought to be), he was always in aposition of stable equilibrium, whichever way he put himself.
"All right--pass on," said he at last. And then he added: "I had bettergo with you, young man." And Tom had no objection, for such company wasboth respectable and safe; so the truncheon coiled its thong neatlyround its handle, to prevent tripping itself up--for the thong had gotloose in running--and marched on by Tom's side.
"Why have you no policeman to carry you?" asked Tom, after a while.
"Because we are not like those clumsy-made truncheons in the land-world,which cannot go without having a whole man to carry them about. We doour own work for ourselves; and do it very well, though I say it whoshould not."
"Then why have you a thong to your handle?" asked Tom.
"To hang ourselves up by, of course, when we are off duty."
Tom had got his answer, and had no more to say, till they came up to thegreat iron door of the prison. And there the truncheon knocked twice,with its own head.
A wicket in the door opened, and out looked a tremendous old brassblunderbuss charged up to the muzzle with slugs, who was the porter; andTom started back a little at the sight of him.
"What case is this?" he asked in a deep voice, out of his broad bellmouth.
"If you please, sir, it is no case; only a young gentleman from herladyship, who wants to see Grimes, the master-sweep."
"Grimes?" said the blunderbuss. And he pulled in his muzzle, perhaps tolook over his prison-lists.
"Grimes is up chimney No. 345," he said from inside. "So the younggentleman had better go on to the roof."
Tom looked up at the enormous wall, which seemed at least ninety mileshigh, and wondered how he should ever get up; but, when he hinted thatto the truncheon, it settled the matter in a moment. For it whiskedround, and gave him such a shove behind as sent him up to the roof in notime, with his little dog under his arm.
And there he walked along the leads, till he met another truncheon, andtold him his errand.
"Very good," it said. "Come along: but it will be of no use. He is themost unremorseful, hard-hearted, foul-mouthed fellow I have in charge;and thinks about nothing but beer and pipes, which are not allowed here,of course."
So they walked along over the leads, and very sooty they were, and Tomthought the chimneys must want sweeping very much. But he was surprisedto see that the soot did not stick to his feet, or dirty them in theleast. Neither did the live coals, which were lying about in plenty,burn him; for, being a water-baby, his radical humours were of a moistand cold nature, as you may read at large in Lemnius, Cardan, VanHelmont, and other gentlemen, who knew as much as they could, and no mancan know more.
And at last they came to chimney No. 345. Out of the top of it, his headand shoulders just showing, stuck poor Mr. Grimes, so sooty, andbleared, and ugly, that Tom could hardly bear to look at him. And inhis mouth was a pipe; but it was not alight; though he was pulling at itwith all his might.
"Attention, Mr. Grimes," said the truncheon, "here is a gentleman cometo see you."
But Mr. Grimes only said bad words; and kept grumbling, "My pipe won'tdraw. My pipe won't draw."
"Keep a civil tongue, and attend!" said the truncheon; and popped upjust like Punch, hitting Grimes such a crack over the head with itself,that his brains rattled inside like a dried walnut in its shell. Hetried to get his hands out, and rub the place: but he could not, forthey were stuck fast in the chimney. Now he was forced to attend.
"Hey!" he said, "why, it's Tom! I suppose you have come here to laugh atme, you spiteful little atomy?"
Tom assured him he had not, but only wanted to help him.
"I don't want anything except beer, and that I can't get; and a lightto this bothering pipe, and that I can't get either."
"I'll get you one," said Tom; and he took up a live coal (there wereplenty lying about) and put it to Grimes' pipe: but it went outinstantly.
"It's no use," said the truncheon, leaning itself up against the chimneyand looking on. "I tell you, it is no use. His heart is so cold that itfreezes everything that comes near him. You will see that presently,plain enough."
"Oh, of course, it's my fault. Everything's always my fault," saidGrimes. "Now don't go to hit me again" (for the truncheon startedupright, and looked very wicked); "you know, if my arms were only free,you daren't hit me then."
The truncheon leant back against the chimney, and took no notice of thepersonal insult, like a well-trained policeman as it was, though he wasready enough to avenge any transgression against morality or order.
"But can't I help you in any other way? Can't I help you to get out ofthis chimney?" said Tom.
"No," interposed the truncheon; "he has come to the place whereeverybody must help themselves; and he will find it out, I hope, beforehe has done with me."
_Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby_]
"Oh, yes," said Grimes, "of course it's me. Did I ask to be brought hereinto the prison? Did I ask to be set to sweep your foul chimneys? Did Iask to have lighted straw put under me to make me go up? Did I ask tostick fast in the very first chimney of all, because it was soshamefully clogged up with soot? Did I ask to stay here--I don't knowhow long--a hundred years, I do believe, and never get my pipe, nor mybeer, nor nothing fit for a beast, let alone a man?"
"No," answered a solemn voice behind. "No more did Tom, when you behavedto him in the very same way."
It was Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid. And, when the truncheon saw her, itstarted bolt upright--Attention!--and made such a low bow, that if ithad not been full of the spirit of justice, it must have trembled on itsend, and probably hurt its one eye. And Tom made his bow too.
"Oh, ma'am," he said, "don't think about me; that's all past and gone,and good times and bad times and all times pass over. But may not I helppoor Mr. Grimes? Mayn't I try and get some of these bricks away, that hemay move his arms?"
"You may try, of course," she said.
So Tom pulled and tugged at the bricks: but he could not move one.And then he tried to wipe Mr. Grimes' face: but the soot would not comeoff.
"Oh, dear!" he said. "I have come all this way, through all theseterrible places, to help you, and now I am of no use at all."
"You had best leave me alone," said Grimes; "you are a good-naturedforgiving little chap, and that's tr
uth; but you'd best be off. Thehail's coming on soon, and it will beat the eyes out of your littlehead."
"What hail?"
"Why, hail that falls every evening here; and, till it comes close tome, it's like so much warm rain: but then it turns to hail over my head,and knocks me about like small shot."
"That hail will never come any more," said the strange lady. "I havetold you before what it was. It was your mother's tears, those which sheshed when she prayed for you by her bedside; but your cold heart frozeit into hail. But she is gone to heaven now, and will weep no more forher graceless son."
Then Grimes was silent awhile; and then he looked very sad.
"So my old mother's gone, and I never there to speak to her! Ah! a goodwoman she was, and might have been a happy one, in her little schoolthere in Vendale, if it hadn't been for me and my bad ways."
"Did she keep the school in Vendale?" asked Tom. And then he told Grimesall the story of his going to her house, and how she could not abide thesight of a chimney-sweep, and then how kind she was, and how he turnedinto a water-baby.
"Ah!" said Grimes, "good reason she had to hate the sight of achimney-sweep. I ran away from her and took up with the sweeps, andnever let her know where I was, nor sent her a penny to help her, andnow it's too late--too late!" said Mr. Grimes.
And he began crying and blubbering like a great baby, till his pipedropped out of his mouth, and broke all to bits.
"Oh, dear, if I was but a little chap in Vendale again, to see the clearbeck, and the apple-orchard, and the yew-hedge, how different I would goon! But it's too late now. So you go along, you kind little chap, anddon't stand to look at a man crying, that's old enough to be yourfather, and never feared the face of man, nor of worse neither. But I'mbeat now, and beat I must be. I've made my bed, and I must lie on it.Foul I would be, and foul I am, as an Irishwoman said to me once; andlittle I heeded it. It's all my own fault: but it's too late." And hecried so bitterly that Tom began crying too.
"Never too late," said the fairy, in such a strange soft new voice thatTom looked up at her; and she was so beautiful for the moment, that Tomhalf fancied she was her sister.
No more was it too late. For, as poor Grimes cried and blubbered on, hisown tears did what his mother's could not do, and Tom's could not do,and nobody's on earth could do for him; for they washed the soot off hisface and off his clothes; and then they washed the mortar away frombetween the bricks; and the chimney crumbled down; and Grimes began toget out of it.
Up jumped the truncheon, and was going to hit him on the crown atremendous thump, and drive him down again like a cork into a bottle.But the strange lady put it aside.
"Will you obey me if I give you a chance?"
"As you please, ma'am. You're stronger than me--that I know too well,and wiser than me, I know too well also. And, as for being my ownmaster, I've fared ill enough with that as yet. So whatever yourladyship pleases to order me; for I'm beat, and that's the truth."
"Be it so then--you may come out. But remember, disobey me again, andinto a worse place still you go."
"I beg pardon, ma'am, but I never disobeyed you that I know of. I neverhad the honour of setting eyes upon you till I came to these uglyquarters."
"Never saw me? Who said to you, Those that will be foul, foul they willbe?"
Grimes looked up; and Tom looked up too; for the voice was that of theIrishwoman who met them the day that they went out together toHarthover. "I gave you your warning then: but you gave it yourself athousand times before and since. Every bad word that you said--everycruel and mean thing that you did--every time that you got tipsy--everyday that you went dirty--you were disobeying me, whether you knew it ornot."
"If I'd only known, ma'am----"
"You knew well enough that you were disobeying something, though you didnot know it was me. But come out and take your chance. Perhaps it may beyour last."
So Grimes stepped out of the chimney, and really, if it had not been forthe scars on his face, he looked as clean and respectable as amaster-sweep need look.
"Take him away," said she to the truncheon, "and give him histicket-of-leave."
"And what is he to do, ma'am?"
"Get him to sweep out the crater of Etna; he will find some very steadymen working out their time there, who will teach him his business: butmind, if that crater gets choked again, and there is an earthquake inconsequence, bring them all to me, and I shall investigate the case veryseverely."
So the truncheon marched off Mr. Grimes, looking as meek as a drownedworm.
And for aught I know, or do not know, he is sweeping the crater of Etnato this very day.
"And now," said the fairy to Tom, "your work here is done. You may aswell go back again."
"I should be glad enough to go," said Tom, "but how am I to get up thatgreat hole again, now the steam has stopped blowing?"
"I will take you up the backstairs: but I must bandage your eyes first;for I never allow anybody to see those backstairs of mine."
So she tied the bandage on his eyes with one hand, and with the othershe took it off.
"Now," she said, "you are safe up the stairs." Tom opened his eyes verywide, and his mouth too; for he had not, as he thought, moved a singlestep. But, when he looked round him, there could be no doubt that he wassafe up the backstairs, whatsoever they may be, which no man is goingto tell you, for the plain reason that no man knows.
The first thing which Tom saw was the black cedars, high and sharpagainst the rosy dawn; and St. Brandan's Isle reflected double in thestill broad silver sea. The wind sang softly in the cedars, and thewater sang among the caves; the sea-birds sang as they streamed out intothe ocean, and the land-birds as they built among the boughs; and theair was so full of song that it stirred St. Brandan and his hermits, asthey slumbered in the shade; and they moved their good old lips, andsang their morning hymn amid their dreams. But among all the songs onecame across the water more sweet and clear than all; for it was the songof a young girl's voice.
And what was the song which she sang? Ah, my little man, I am too old tosing that song, and you too young to understand it. But have patience,and keep your eye single, and your hands clean, and you will learn someday to sing it yourself, without needing any man to teach you.
And as Tom neared the island, there sat upon a rock the most gracefulcreature that ever was seen, looking down, with her chin upon her hand,and paddling with her feet in the water. And when they came to her shelooked up, and behold it was Ellie.
"Oh, Miss Ellie," said he, "how you are grown!"
"Oh, Tom," said she, "how you are grown too!"
And no wonder; they were both quite grown up--he into a tall man, andshe into a beautiful woman.
"Perhaps I may be grown," she said. "I have had time enough; for I havebeen sitting here waiting for you many a hundred years, till I thoughtyou were never coming."
"Many a hundred years?" thought Tom; but he had seen so much in histravels that he had quite given up being astonished; and, indeed, hecould think of nothing but Ellie. So he stood and looked at Ellie, andEllie looked at him; and they liked the employment so much that theystood and looked for seven years more, and neither spoke nor stirred.
At last they heard the fairy say: "Attention, children. Are you nevergoing to look at me again?"
"We have been looking at you all this while," they said. And so theythought they had been.
"Then look at me once more," said she.
They looked--and both of them cried out at once, "Oh, who are you, afterall?"
"You are our dear Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby."
"No, you are good Mrs. Bedonebyasyoudid; but you are grown quitebeautiful now!"
"To you," said the fairy, "but look again."
"You are Mother Carey," said Tom, in a very low, solemn voice; for hehad found out something which made him very happy, and yet frightenedhim more than all that he had ever seen.
"But you are grown quite young again."
"To you," said th
e fairy. "Look again."
"You are the Irishwoman who met me the day I went to Harthover!"
And when they looked she was neither of them, and yet all of them atonce.
"My name is written in my eyes, if you have eyes to see it there."
And they looked into her great, deep, soft eyes, and they changed againand again into every hue, as the light changes in a diamond.
"Now read my name," said she, at last.
And her eyes flashed, for one moment, clear, white, blazing light: butthe children could not read her name; for they were dazzled, and hidtheir faces in their hands.
"Not yet, young things, not yet," said she, smiling; and then she turnedto Ellie.
"You may take him home with you now on Sundays, Ellie. He has won hisspurs in the great battle, and become fit to go with you and be a man;because he has done the thing he did not like."
So Tom went home with Ellie on Sundays, and sometimes on week-days, too;and he is now a great man of science, and can plan railroads, andsteam-engines, and electric telegraphs, and rifled guns, and so forth;and knows everything about everything, except why a hen's egg don't turninto a crocodile, and two or three other little things which no one willknow till the coming of the Cocqcigrues. And all this from what helearnt when he was a water-baby, underneath the sea.
"And of course Tom married Ellie?"
My dear child, what a silly notion! Don't you know that no one evermarries in a fairy tale, under the rank of a prince or a princess?
MORAL
_And now, my dear little man, what should we learn from this parable?_
_We should learn thirty-seven or thirty-nine things, I am not exactlysure which: but one thing, at least, we may learn, and that isthis--when we see efts in the pond, never to throw stones at them, orcatch them with crooked pins, or put them into vivariums withsticklebacks, that the sticklebacks may prick them in their poor littlestomachs, and make them jump out of the glass into somebody's work-box,and so come to a bad end. For these efts are nothing else but thewater-babies who are stupid and dirty, and will not learn their lessonsand keep themselves clean; and, therefore (as comparative anatomistswill tell you fifty years hence, though they are not learned enough totell you now), their skulls grow fat, their jaws grow out, and theirbrains grow small, and their tails grow long, and they lose all theirribs (which I am sure you would not like to do), and their skins growdirty and spotted, and they never get into the clear rivers, much lessinto the great wide sea, but hang about in dirty ponds, and live in themud, and eat worms, as they deserve to do._
_But that is no reason why you should ill-use them: but only why youshould pity them and be kind to them, and hope that some day they willwake up, and be ashamed of their nasty, dirty, lazy, stupid life, andtry to amend, and become something better once more. For, perhaps, ifthey do so, then after 379,423 years, nine months, thirteen days, twohours, and twenty-one minutes (for aught that appears to the contrary),if they work very hard and wash very hard all that time, their brainsmay grow bigger, and their jaws grow smaller, and their ribs come back,and their tails wither off, and they will turn into water-babies again,and perhaps after that into land-babies; and after that perhaps intogrown men._
_You know they won't? Very well, I daresay you know best. But you see,some folks have a great liking for those poor little efts. They neverdid anybody any harm, or could if they tried; and their only fault is,that they do no good--any more than some thousands of their betters. Butwhat with ducks, and what with pike, and what with sticklebacks, andwhat with water-beetles, and what with naughty boys, they are "sae sairhadden doun," as the Scotsmen say, that it is a wonder how they live;and some folks can't help hoping, with good Bishop Butler, that they mayhave another chance, to make things fair and even, somewhere, somewhen,somehow._
_Meanwhile, do you learn your lessons, and thank God that you haveplenty of cold water to wash in; and wash in it too. And then, if mystory is not true, something better is; and if I am not quite right,still you will be, as long as you stick to hard work and cold water._
_But remember always, as I told you at first, that this is all a fairytale, and only fun and pretence: and, therefore, you are not to believea word of it, even if it is true._
* * * * *
Transcriber's Notes:
Page 29, "they they" changed to "that they" (that they became invisible)
Page 66, "prety" changed to "pretty" (with a pretty little)
Page 208, "gairfowl" changed to "Gairfowl" to match rest of usage (findGairfowl enough)
Page 237, paragraph break was introduced after (you have seen!")
The Water-Babies Page 10