by Jon Scieszka
Guys crawled all over the docks, yelling orders, throwing ropes, and tying up a hundred ships coming in. A million shops were crammed up and down the streets and a million shop owners were yelling what they had for sale. People walking all over the place made it look like the streets of New York at Christmastime, without the snow.
We were met at the dock by an army of royal attendants. I’m not sure exactly what we were expecting, but after hanging out and playing basketball with Thutmose, we had kind of gotten used to thinking of him as just another kid. The way everyone took care of him made us realize he was definitely not just another kid.
Servants laid out soft mats for Thutmose to walk on, shielded him from the setting sun with a huge canopy, and lifted him sitting on his throne into a gold and jeweled chariot.
Now I know what people mean when they say, “He got the royal treatment.”
“He’s like Michael Jordan, Elvis, and the president all rolled into one,” said Fred.
“He’s bigger than that,” said Sam. “If you’re a Pharaoh, you’re a god on earth.”
As new best friends of the god, we were treated pretty nicely ourselves. We got our own first-class chariot ride back to Thutmose’s palace, where we were handed over to servants to clean us up for the Pharaoh’s banquet.
We were pretty cool with the washing, massage, and putting robes on over our regular clothes. But then our servants started with the makeup, perfume, and jewelry.
“Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait ... a ... minute,” said Fred. “I don’t mind a little cologne, but I am not going to put on eye shadow. And that necklace just isn’t me.”
“With a face like yours, a little makeup couldn’t hurt,” said Sam. “Besides haven’t you ever heard the saying, ‘When in Rome, do as the Romans’?”
“Everyone will be wearing this—men and women,” I added.
“Number one, we are not in Rome,” said Fred. “And number two, haven’t you ever heard the saying, ‘If everybody else jumped off the Brook lyn Bridge, would you too?’”
We finally talked Fred into a bracelet and a bit of black stuff around his eyes. Sam and I laced up our sneakers. Fred put on his Blue Jays cap, and we followed our guide into the banquet hall.
Hundreds of people were already there, eating, drinking, lounging around on benches and talking. Men and women were dressed in fancy pleated robes with twice as much jewelry and makeup as we had. Some of the women even had smelly cones of waxy stuff on their heads. No one gave us a second look. I wanted to find Thutmose and start figuring out a plan to find Anna and The Book, but Fred, as usual, had other ideas.
“Food! Look at that food!” The table in the center of the hall was piled high with roasted meats, fish, bread, fruits, and flowers. We followed Fred as he cut a path through the crowd to the food table. He grabbed a leg of roasted bird.
“Mmmm ... duck. Or maybe goose.” Another grab. “Bread. Mmmrph ... a little chewy.” Fred raised a green cup. “A little something to wash it down—woo! Wine.”
“Fred,” I whispered, pulling at his robe. “Take it easy. Let’s try to act like very important guests, so we don’t get into any more trouble.”
Then we calmly and very importantly loaded our plates with roasted bird, figs, grapes, cucumbers, and bread. We finished that and came back for ox meat, more fruit, fish, nuts, and honey.
Sam wiped up the last bit of honey on his plate with a piece of bread and leaned back with a satisfied sigh. “I think I could get used to this.”
Fred went back for one more helping of bread and ox meat. “That was just what I needed. All of that b-ball and surfing can make a guy hungry.” Fred polished off the last of his custom-made ox burger and wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his robe. “Now let’s get down to business and figure out how we’re going to get out of here.”
I looked around the room full of people still eating, drinking, and talking. “We’re miles away from Hatshepsut’s temple,” I said. “I don’t know how we’re ever going to get back there to find Anna and The Book.”
“No problem,” said Fred. “We’re friends of the Pharaoh. He can get us anything we want.”
“I don’t know,” said Sam, pessimistic as always. “You know how our adventures usually turn out. I still can’t believe we’re in ancient Egypt and haven’t been trapped in a pyramid or wrapped up like mummies with our vital organs in jars and our brains pulled out our noses with a hook.”
“Thank you, Sam, for that pleasant thought,” I said, scanning the room. I saw Hatsnat next to a pillar. He was with his whole crew of bald priests. “I have a feeling we’ve already run into the most dangerous thing in ancient Egypt. And we’ll probably run into him again.”
I was still trying to think of another good magic trick I could use to fool Hatsnat if I had to, when a blast of music quieted the room. A whole orchestra of musicians we hadn’t seen struck up an official-sounding tune. Everyone stood up. A curtain at the far end of the room was whipped back and Thutmose and a very important-looking woman stepped forward. She was wearing an awesome cobra crown.
“Long live Hatshepsut and Thutmose,” boomed a voice. “All hail!”
Everyone bowed. Thutmose and Hatshepsut took their seats at the head of a long table, and the orchestra started another tune. A line of girls clinking cymbals and clappers danced out from behind the curtain. My jaw dropped.
One of the girls looked different from the others. She had the same robes and makeup and instruments, but she was much paler. I stared at her and rubbed my eyes. She looked like Anna.
I looked again. She looked at me, then waved and smiled a familiar goofy little-sister smile.
EIGHT
“Anna!”
The girl danced over to us.
“Hi Joe. Isn’t this all great?”
“But who ... what ... when ... how did you get here?” I said.
“Oh, I met that nice lady with the crown that looks like a chair, just like the picture I showed Sam,” said Anna.
“But that’s Isis,” said Sam.
Anna chimed her little finger cymbals. “Isis. Yeah, that was her name. She said I would meet you guys here, and you would need our help. So we sailed here on her boat.”
“But Isis is a goddess,” said Fred. “She wasn’t real.”
“That’s not a very nice thing to say about someone,” said Anna. “And she is so real. Otherwise—how did I get here?”
“This is getting stranger by the second,” said Sam. “But before things get too strange, do you happen to have that Book you said had the picture of a woman with two Pharaoh crowns?”
Anna pressed her lips together in thought. “Hmmm. No. That’s funny. Because right after I showed you that picture, everything twirled around and then Cleo and I were sitting in Isis’s house. I don’t remember what happened to the book.”
“Oh no!” groaned Sam.
“Was it a library book?” asked Anna.
“Something like that,” I said. “We have to find it before we go home.”
“Well, we should just ask Isis,” said Anna. “I’m sure she would help. She said—”
But before we could find out what Isis said, Thutmose stood up at the head of the table. Everyone was instantly quiet.
“Great Pharaoh, honored guests, tonight we are blessed by visitors from a land far, far away.” Thutmose waved us up to stand next to him. He pointed to each of us in turn. “Sam, Joe, and Fred are from a land called America. Their people live in houses a hundred feet in the air and travel faster on the ground than any boat on the Nile.”
The party goers oohed and ahhed.
Hatshepsut gave us that look you get from someone’s mom the first time you meet her, when she’s deciding if you are an okay friend for her kid, or one of those bad friends who will get her kid into trouble. I couldn’t tell if we were getting the okay look or the bad look.
Thutmose took off a sneaker and held it up. “And they have shown me how to drive to the hoop and three-sixty slam wi
th these magical sandals.” More oohs and ahhs rose from the crowd.
Now we were definitely getting the “bad friend” look from Hatshepsut. I had to speak up and try to say something to make us look good. “We also use our magic sandals to ... uhh ... clean our rooms every day ... very fast.”
The mere mention of cleaning your room is usually enough to impress almost any adult. But the weird looks I got from Fred, Sam, and Hatshepsut let me know that this bit of news hadn’t done much to make us look good. A familiar weasely voice piped up from the back of the room, and things went quickly from bad to worse.
“The magic sandals are very unusual,” said Hatsnat, “and we are very interested that boys clean their rooms every day in America. But the priests of the temple and I have just one question for the three magicians.”
“You want to know how to work the pick-and-roll play?” asked Fred.
“You guys need help on your three-point shots?” asked Sam.
Hatshepsut held up her royal hand for quiet. “What is it my priests wish to know?”
Hatsnat gave us that mean little smile of his, rubbed his bald head, and then dropped the bomb. “What were the three magicians from America doing inside the Pharaoh’s treasure rooms?”
If you’ve ever seen your mom’s face when she finds out something you didn’t think she really needed to find out, you’ll know what Hatshepsut’s face looked like. “What is this?” She turned to Thutmose, who suddenly looked less like a god and more like one of us. “You didn’t tell me your new friends were found in my temple.”
“Well, I ... umm ... didn’t think you ... ah ...” mumbled Thutmose.
Some of the people in the crowd had begun to whisper to each other and shake their heads.
“They were found wearing and carrying your treasures, sire,” added Hatsnat, obviously enjoying himself.
People whispered louder.
“And that one,” Hatsnat pointed to Fred, “kicked a royal coffin and threw its lid to the beasts of the Nile.”
The crowd let out a group gasp. Someone shouted, “No!”
“The signs we read from the stars tell us the Inundation is prevented by chaos among us. The signs we read say the chaos is these three.”
I looked at Hatshepsut. Two thoughts crossed my mind. The first thought was: Isn’t it amazing how little some things change? A person who is very mad 3,500 years ago looks just like a person who is very mad today. The second thought was: We are going to get our hands chopped off.
NINE
“Now just a minute,” said Fred. “I had to use that lid to save Sam.”
“So you admit it,” said Hatsnat. “You threw the royal coffin lid into the Nile.”
“Well yes,” said Fred. “But we weren’t stealing those treasures we were wearing.”
“So you were wearing the Pharaoh’s treasures,” said Hatsnat. “That sounds like robbing to me.”
The mention of that magic word sprung Sam into action. “We are not robbers.”
“What are you?” said Hatsnat.
“Well ...”
“What?”
The crowd looked from Sam to Hatsnat to Sam to Hatsnat like they were watching a tennis game.
“We are magicians, Hot Slop.”
“Minions of Seth,” said Hatsnat.
“Roasting Goober,” said Sam.
“Temple thieves!”
“Steaming Greenie!”
“Hold it,” said Hatshepsut, standing up. She spoke in a calm but commanding voice. “My high priest, Hatsnat, says you are the bringer of chaos and the cause of our drought. My nephew Thutmose says you are magicians. How do I decide which of these things is the truth?”
If you know any of the other Time Warp Trio’s adventures, you know this is not the first time we’ve been in a spot like this. I saw it coming, and for once I was ready.
“Your Pharaoh-ness ... sire ... ma‘am,” I said to Hatshepsut, “if I may, I will demonstrate a bit of our magic to show the truth. I will match the strength of this young girl,” I put my hand on Anna’s head, “against any man you choose. If she is stronger, we tell the truth. If your man is stronger, Hatsnat tells the truth.”
Sam turned absolutely white.
Hatshepsut thought about this for a second, then she nodded her cobra-crowned head, “That sounds fair to me. Thutmose, Hatsnat, agreed?”
“Sure,” said Thutmose. “Maybe Joe will have her do the alley-oop.”
Hatsnat didn’t look so sure, but he fell right into my trap and picked his biggest priest. “Well, okay. But you must use Pepy.”
Pepy was six feet tall, with shoulders three feet wide. I couldn’t have picked a better victim myself.
“Perfect,” I said, and went into action before anyone could change his mind. I stood Pepy on one side of me and Anna on the other, and put a hand on each of their shoulders. “Abracadabra, sis-boom-bah. Boom shaka laka laka, rah-rah-rah,” I said in my most magical voice. “I have just taken the strength from this man and put it into this girl.”
I placed a small wooden stool next to a wall and had Anna stand about three lengths of her foot away from the wall. “Keep your feet on the ground. Bend at your waist. And rest the top of your head against the wall.” Anna leaned over. “Now place your hands under the stool, and lift it as you straighten up.”
Sam closed his eyes and hid his hands under his armpits. “I can’t watch.”
Anna put her hands under the stool and stood up, lifting it with one easy motion. She smiled.
“Now Pepy must do the same,” I said.
Hatsnat sneered. “Child’s play.”
Pepy stood three lengths of his foot away, leaned his head against the wall and ... nothing. He couldn’t budge.
“Now lift,” said Hatsnat. “Stand up.”
“I’m trying, your Excellency. But I cannot. Something holds me.” Pepy tried again. Nothing. “Step aside, you insect.” Hatsnat whacked Pepy with his whip. “A little girl lifts that stool. Don’t tell me you cannot.”
Hatsnat stood over the stool, leaned his bald dome against the wall, grabbed the stool and ... nothing.
“Urrgh.”
Nothing.
“Ahhgh.”
Nothing.
“Eeeeee.”
Hatsnat stayed stuck to the wall. The stool stayed stuck to the floor. Hatshepsut looked amazed. “This little dancer lifts the same stool that the strongest man cannot budge? High Priest, this is magic. The gods have answered our question.”
Hatsnat stood up. His entire head was dangerously red from effort and embarrassment. “Yes, your Worship.” He gave a quick bow to Hatshepsut, then stormed out of the room. A line of nervous-looking bald priests followed him.
“Yes!” said Sam. “He shoots, he scores! Joe the Magnificent.”
The orchestra started playing. The guests crowded around us, asking a million questions. Sam was happy to tell everyone about cars, jets, TV, phones, and music videos. Fred showed off his Blue Jays hat and demonstrated skateboard moves using a wooden serving tray. I gave Anna a quick hug. “Way to go, sis. You were great.”
“Thanks,” said Anna. “But I didn’t do anything.”
“I know,” I said. “It works because of your center of gravity. Girls can do it. Guys can’t. But you still did a great job.” Out of the corner of my eye I saw Hatshepsut watching us. She was all smiles.
We had found Anna. Both Pharaohs were on our side. We were the life of an ancient Egyptian party. For the first time in my Time Warp life, I decided to relax and enjoy myself. We could worry about finding The Book later. What could possibly go wrong?
“I’m going to go get Cleo. I’ll be right back,” said Anna, and she skipped out the doorway the dancers had come in.
We laughed with the guests and told them about New York.
Ten minutes later, Anna wasn’t back.
Some of the party guests said good-bye.
It was twenty minutes later, and Anna still wasn’t back.
I chec
ked out the doorway and up and down the nearby halls.
Thirty minutes had passed, and Anna still wasn’t back.
I had a bad feeling that what could possibly go wrong had just definitely gone wrong.
TEN
When Hatshepsut found out that Anna was my sister and now she was missing, she ordered all of her people into action. Servants, dancers, musicians, and guests were given a part of the palace to search.
We looked in courtyards, pools, stables, gardens, and kitchens. We looked in bedrooms, bathrooms, servants’ quarters, and hallways, storeroom jars, cattle pens, down the well, and even in the ovens. But there was no sign of Anna.
Fred, Sam, and I sat at the now empty banquet table with Hatshepsut and Thutmose.
“We’ve looked everywhere,” said Thutmose. “Use your magic to find her.”
“I wish,” I said.
Hatshepsut took off her crown and rubbed her temples. “There is only one place in the palace we have not looked. Maybe Anna lost her way in the rooms of the Beautiful House.”
“The Beautiful House,” I said. “What’s that?”
“Those are the secret rooms under the palace,” said Hatshepsut. “It’s where the priests prepare royal bodies for the afterlife.”
“Oh no,” said Sam. “Mummies.”
“You mean taking out organs, packing with natron, opening the mouth?” asked Fred.
Hatshepsut looked at Fred in surprise. “American magicians know of our rituals?”
“Well, I did a diorama on it,” said Fred. “So I learned a lot of stuff.”
I was thinking about what Hatshepsut had said. Then everything suddenly made sense. “The people who use these rooms are the priests?”
Hatshepsut nodded.
“I smell a rat,” said Fred.
“I smell a little bald guy with a whip,” I said. “Can you show us the Beautiful House?”
“Only priests or members of the royal family can see those rooms,” said Hatshepsut.