“Do you have a concert coming up?” I ask.
“No. But I will. This trip is the recharge I need. My head is so clear. I know I can book some gigs if I just focus and practice. And also if I look good! No more sweatpants and frumpy shirts.
“Who wants a makeover?” Mama says then. Beelining for the Origins store after we leave J. C. Penney. Mama doesn’t wait for an answer. She plops herself into a chair at the vanity station. “Can you do all of us?” Mama says pointing to Eve and me standing bashfully in the doorway.
“Sure can.” The makeup artist coos. “We’ve got some great natural options for all of your complexions.” But that’s a lie. When she gets to me all she does is rub some dusty gold eye shadow on my lids and give me some cotton candy pink gloss that makes me look like a sad Barbie. She doesn’t even try to match my skin for foundation or blush.
“You don’t need that stuff anyway!” Eve whispers. When she sees the salty look on my face. “Your skin is perfect.”
I roll my eyes at her. “Sure.” I say. But my makeover only takes like ten minutes. While Mama and Eve sit in the chair for at least twenty minutes each. Trying on all kinds of creams and colors and options.
In the end Mama buys herself a whole new set of moisturizer foundation concealer eye shadow mascara and lipstick. Then she buys Eve and me each a couple of lip glosses and eye shadows. I lose track of how much money we’ve spent. By 3pm we are starving. We convince Mama to let us buy pretzels and sit for a few moments as we eat them. After five minutes Mama leaps up. “Alright. Are we done? How about we get pedicures?”
“I thought you said pedicures were unhygienic? You never let us get our nails done.” Eve says still sitting. Finishing the last bite of her pretzel.
“Not your fingernails. You need to keep those short for playing piano. But getting our toes done every once in a blue moon won’t hurt.”
“What about craft day?” I ask. “When are we going back to the cabin to watch movies and knit?”
“Oh the cabin will be there! Girls come on. You can’t be pooping out on me already. This is our fun girls’ trip. We are getting pedicures and that is that. We are having fun. Fun! Fun! Fun!”
Safe
When we finally make it back from shopping it’s dark. We eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner. Mama dumps all the yarn and clothes onto the main room floor and sorts through it. Then she shows me how to cast on stitches to start a scarf. Soon she gets frustrated with the awkward way I hold the needles and gives up on me. Eve showers and then we put on some British show that Mama and Eve love but I think is kinda boring. But all that matters is that we are together and sitting still. Before I know it I fall asleep.
Eve’s phone rings and rings and rings in the loft above. I open my eyes. It’s still dark. Mama has left me sleeping on the love seat. Covered in a heavy blanket. I strain my ears but there is no movement from Mama’s room. I get up. I climb up the loft ladder and stand on the lip of the bottom bunk until I am eye level with Eve. She snores in my face and then flips over. I reach softly under her pillow and pull out her phone. I see Papa’s face lit up on the screen. I scoot down the loft ladder and into the bathroom next to Mama’s room. I reach and reach and reach for the cord that hangs from the naked bulb and turns on the light but I can’t find it. Papa’s face flashes and flashes in the dark. I hit ANSWER and wait.
“Hello? Eve is that you? I’ve been calling and calling. Why can’t I see your face? It’s all dark. Where are you?”
“It’s me!” I whisper into the phone. “I can’t find the light. We were all sleeping.”
“Little scoop! It’s so good to hear your voice. Are you ok?”
“I’m fine. Sleepy. Why are you calling so late?”
“I’ve been trying to reach all of you for two days. I’ve been calling and calling your mother but she hasn’t picked up. I even called the house line. And so now Eve. What’s going on? Where are you? Is everyone safe?”
Standing in the blue-lit dark in the dead of the night. In the middle of the Rocky Mountains. Far away from any kind of home. Am I safe? I thought so. But then why does my jaw lock? Why does hearing Papa’s worried voice make this whole girls’ trip feel different? I open the bathroom door and peer out into the main room. The floor is still littered with yarn and clothes and makeup and now half-started knitting projects. There is a huge pile of unwashed dishes in the sink. And Mama has forgotten to close the cabin door. It hangs open like a crooked mouth and moonlight spills in.
“Are you still there? Makeda. Can you take me to Mama?”
“I’m here.” I say. “We’re fine. We just treated ourselves to a girls’ trip. Like you said. Mama’s idea. We’re in the mountains.”
“You’re camping? What mountains? Your mother should have told me. I almost got on a plane when I didn’t hear back.”
“We’re in a cabin. In Boulder. The one we used to come to I guess. We’re fine. We’re having fun. I think we’re going home in a few days.”
“She drove you all the way to Colorado! Can you wake Mama up? I want to check in. I know it’s late. I’m worried. Are you sure you and your sister are ok? That Mama’s ok?”
“YES! WE ARE FINE.” I shout softly into the phone. The baby hairs on my arms are standing up. I start to pull and twist at the messy curls at the back of my neck. If you’re so worried about us being with Mama why did you leave in the first place? I want to scream. But I don’t. I just twist tighter at my curls.
“Ok. Will you promise to call me tomorrow? When Eve and Mama get up? No matter what time it is here. I’ll be waiting.”
“Where are you?” I ask. “We don’t even know where you are either.”
“I’m in Tokyo. And Mama knows where I am. She has all of my trip details in her email.”
“Oh. Ok. Well we’ll call you tomorrow. I have to go.”
“Makeda. Wait. Do you think I should come home early? I think maybe this trip is too long.”
“Honestly.” I hear myself saying. In what sounds like someone else’s voice. “We don’t need you. We’re having fun. Just enjoy your tour. I gotta go. Talk tomorrow.”
Before he can say anything else I hit END CALL. I shake the dark of the bathroom off of me. I shut the front door and lock it. I slip back into my bed. Then I keep my eyes open until the sun comes up.
Practice Makes Perfect
“Papa wants to hear you play something on the piano.” Mama is making pancakes in the kitchen when I get up. She holds Eve’s phone away from her like it’s a snake and I see Papa’s face again. Now it’s dark where he is in the world.
“Good morning little scoop!” He winks talking in that fake cheery voice again. “Long time no see.”
“But it’s not even tuned!” I protest. Motioning to the upright piano in the corner of the cabin that looks like it hasn’t been touched in a hundred years. “I think there are cobwebs on it.”
Eve appears from the bathroom in a towel. “Don’t ever take my phone like that again.” She yells at me.
“Eve. Don’t get mad at Makeda. I’m glad she picked up last night. It’s nice to see all of my girls together having fun this morning.” Papa says.
“Well you should get Makeda her own phone. That one is supposed to be mine.” Eve grabs a banana and heads up to the loft to get dressed.
“Makeda. Just play something quick.” Mama says again. I shuffle over to the old Yamaha and lift the heavy cover up. Dust coats my hands. The keys feel cold and unfamiliar.
“She’s getting into position with the speed of a snail.” Mama yells into the phone. Placing it on top of the piano. I prop the phone up against the wall and take a deep breath. I get through a few bars and then fumble my notes. My fingers stiff and heavy with sleep.
“You’re getting better.” Papa lies. “But it sounds like you’ve skipped a few days. You don’t want to get behind on your lessons.”
“Well. We’re on vacation.” I say.
“Just keep working. Remember p
ractice makes perfect.”
“Nobody else is practicing.” I mumble. Why is this whole conversation all of a sudden about me? Why isn’t he talking to Mama? She’s the one he’s worried about.
Mama grabs back the phone. “Honestly Daniel” she starts “we are fine and having fun. I’ll make sure we all practice. The girls will be prepared for their next lesson and I am getting myself together musically as well. It’s all under control. Now we have to go. We have a lot of activities to get to today.”
“Ok … I’m glad to hear that. Let me just say a quick hello to Eve?”
Mama walks outside while Eve tells Papa about her makeover her job and the play she’s reading. Mama is only half dressed. She’s wearing a big holey t-shirt that barely covers her butt and loose underwear.
“Makeda. It’s going to be a hot one today.” She says stretching upward like a cat in the cabin doorway.
“Are you gonna put on some clothes?” I ask.
Mama turns and raises her left eyebrow. “Are you?”
I look down and realize that I’m only wearing a pair of shorts and my sports bra. But my chest is so flat that I barely need it. I giggle. Outside the front door there’s nothing but the van staring back at us and then layers and layers of trees. The next cabin is about a mile down the road and hidden off a dirt path like ours.
“HELLO! IS THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE?” I scream into the trees. Silence.
“See?” Mama says laughing. “This is the most private place on earth. It’s like no one else matters. Except the three of us. Who needs clothes?” And with that she throws off her shirt and walks back inside fully topless.
Exploring
By “a lot of activities to do today” Mama means knitting and watching movies. She doesn’t say a word about practicing piano and her violin stays untouched in her room. Instead she throws the pancake dishes on top of the growing pile in the sink and then sets herself up on the floor surrounded by yarn and begins knitting furiously. Eve has convinced her to put on a robe.
“We’re not nudists. I’m not coming down the ladder unless you put something on.” She’d said peering down into the main room after hanging up with Papa.
“Ok. Ok. But you should try being naked sometime. It’s freeing.”
“I’m naked when I shower. That’s enough for me.”
Now we lounge around. Our legs and arms flung all over the main room. Eve on the chair. Me on the love seat and Mama on the floor. We watch Bridget Jones’s Diary on Netflix and then the sequel. About halfway through the second movie Mama joins me on the love seat and falls asleep.
Outside the cabin the sun beats down. It’s almost the end of July and the temperatures get as high as 85 degrees. Even though the windows are open and two big fans whir in our faces I start to sweat. It’s a perfect day to go tubing on the river or sunbathe on the big rocks at Boulder Creek like Mama promised we’d do. My legs are pinned under Mama’s. They start to go numb and I shift slowly hoping not to disturb her.
“Pssst!” I wave my hand at Eve who is playing some game on her phone. “Want to go explore? I’m bored.”
“Not really. It looks even hotter out there.”
“Do you think Mama will take us tubing later?”
“Maybe. But for now let’s just chill. She’ll wake up soon. Then we can ask.”
I look at Mama. She’s slumped down even further on the love seat. Her legs curled up to her chin like a baby. She snores. And snores. And snores. Like she hasn’t slept for days.
“That could take forever.” I say getting up. “I’m going to go explore around the woods in the cabin.”
“Don’t go too far.” Eve yells.
But I am already out the door.
A Girlhood Is a Terrible-Wonderful Time
Especially when you’re in the mountains. Near the woodpile by the side of the cabin I find a long thick stick. I shake off a few leaves and bugs and plant it firmly against the moist ground and then lean on it. This is my day. My walking stick. I set out down the dirt road and then veer off to the right into a thicket of spruce and aspen trees. I walk until I can only see the very top of the cabin through it all. Until I am surrounded by new noises and smells. Then I stop.
“THIS IS MY MOUNTAIN.” I scream into the air around me.
I fall to the ground and body-kiss the damp perfumed earth. A girlhood is a terrible-wonderful time. It makes me squirm with impatience. It makes me smash strange berries between my fingers till they are sticky with dirt and juice. It makes me turn over rocks. Pull wriggling earthworms from underneath. Watch them try and burrow back into dark. I think about Lena. Doing back handspring after back handspring at camp. Trying to be the best. How much I miss her. And her letters. I think about Huck. How far away I am from him. I feel a hot glow in my chest. An ache. I think about Mama holding the phone away from her like something venomous. About Papa. Trying trying. But never making her happy these days. I think about my birth mother. What makes her happy? Who loves her? A girlhood is a terrible-wonderful time. I look up. A branch of a nearby tree sits low and inviting. Where can it take me?
I leave my stick and stand up. I scrape every angle of my knees trying to climb the tree as high as I can. I am so tall. I open my mouth but before I can test my voice against the clear air the Georgia Belles appear on the branch below me. They look like two blackbirds but they sing with familiar and clear tones.
Fly fly fly
Climb on climb on
Into a song
Baby girl baby bird
Something’s not right
Fly fly fly
Till you’re back in sight
On the ground or in the sky
You need to stay close
Stay close
Stay
Close to us
I have not seen them since the slap. Since I told them I didn’t need their help. But they only stay now for a few seconds. They sing the thoughts right out of my head and then dive and swoop away into the path below. I don’t have to tell them to wait. When I climb back down they are there. Their voices darting in and out of brush ahead. So I follow the song. The one that’s aching. Until I am back at the cabin. Where Eve sits outside while inside Mama grabs all the pots and pans from the sink and throws them out the window. One by one.
“NO ONE APPRECIATES ME!” She yells. “I DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE. I AM NOT YOUR MAID. I AM NOT YOUR SERVANT. THIS PLACE IS A MESS. YOU DON’T DESERVE ALL THESE CLOTHES. I NEVER HAD THIS MANY NEW CLOTHES WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE. I WILL RETURN ALL OF IT YOU UNGRATEFUL…”
“What happened?” I pant.
Eve takes the headphones out of her ears. “No idea. She woke up and then just started yelling. I told her I’d do the dishes but it’s like she didn’t hear me. I’d wait out here if I were you. She’s acting like a total maniac.”
I sit next to Eve. She lets me lean my head on her shoulders. We watch the sun set. When the stars come out we hear Mama slam the door to her room. Then it is quiet. We spend the rest of the night in our loft. I can’t get the Georgia Belles’ song out of my head. Stay close. Stay close. I squeeze my eyes shut and wish for a new day.
Fun Fun Fun
We never make it tubing. We never finish our knitting projects. Or any of the other fun fun fun things Mama said we’d do on this trip. The next day Eve and I collect the pots and pans from the yard and scrub them clean in the kitchen. Eve washes and I dry and we don’t talk at all. We just get into a rhythm and before we know it the whole cabin is spotless. We even refold all the clothes Mama bought us and put them neatly back into the shopping bags. So they will be easy to return. Around noon Mama emerges from her room. We stand by the sink waiting for her to notice the clean cabin. She doesn’t even look at us. Instead she sits on the love seat and turns on the TV.
“Do you want to go for a hike?” I ask. Even though Eve is pinching my arm. Hoping I’ll stay quiet.
“What? No.” Mama says arranging herself back into a fetal position. “I’m very tired girls. M
y head is killing me. I just need to rest.”
“Here.” I run to the cabinet and grab a tall glass. I fill it with cold water. Then I rush to the bathroom and grab a bottle of aspirin. I bring it to Mama and watch her drink a couple pills down. “Maybe that will help.” I say.
Mama looks at me. Her eyes all glassy with tears. “You’re mine. My baby girl.” She says finally. “Remember that Makeda. I was the first one who held you. The day we adopted you. I’m your mother. The one who takes care of you. Nobody else.”
She’s not making any sense. I’m taking care of you. I have two mothers. You both held me. I want to say but instead I look up at Eve who is still standing by the sink. As if her feet are glued to the floor. She shrugs and mouths to me: “Just leave her alone?” But I can tell she’s confused as well.
“I know. I love you too.” I say back to Mama who has closed her eyes. “Get some sleep so later tonight we can have more fun fun fun! Just like you said.”
“Sure. Sure. You girls go. Have fun. Take the shuttle into town if you want. There’s money in my purse. I’ll see you later.”
So Eve and I tiptoe out of the cabin. And into the hot hot midday sun.
Independent Women
Eve and I stand outside for about an hour trying to decide what to do. I tell her we should ask Papa to come home early after all. She tells me that we just need to stay out of Mama’s way. The sun slices through the trees. The sky streaked with light clouds. The hairs on my neck won’t lie flat. I keep peeking in the cabin door to make sure Mama is still on the love seat. She hasn’t moved at all.
“Listen.” Eve sighs and looks at the time on her phone. “This is not helping. Us just standing here. It’s already 1pm. Let’s go try to enjoy this day. We can take the shuttle into downtown and get ice cream and walk around. Then we’ll come home in a couple of hours and check on her. If she doesn’t snap out of it then we can call Papa.”
For Black Girls Like Me Page 12