“Sure, how does sushi sound?” he asked
Knowing I loved the delicious food, but wouldn’t be able to eat any for a while, I declined. “How about a thick, juicy burger with some fresh cut French fries?” The thought of the succulent meat made my mouth water.
“I’ll grab it and be there within a half an hour. Do I need to grab a bottle of wine?” he asked without knowing I couldn’t drink alcohol either.
“Nope. I got you covered.” I replied, as we ended the conversation and I went to take a shower.
Since this morning, my nausea suddenly disappeared. I hoped it stayed gone but I read online that some women have it all day, throughout their pregnancy. After putting on some comfy clothes and pulling my hair up into a messy bun, I parked myself on the couch until Josh got here.
His signature knock brought me out of the daydream I was in, the sound of my stomach grumbling as I let him in. The smell of the burgers had my mouth watering as I took the bag from him and opened my container, taking a huge bite before we even got fully inside the kitchen.
“It looks like your appetite is back. How are you feeling?” he asked as we went into the dining room and sat down to enjoy our meal.
“I feel great. I woke up feeling crappy, but as the day went on, I started to feel better.” Taking another bite of the delicious meat, I then began to nibble on the fries.
“What’s changed since I saw you on Wednesday? You were moping around and I couldn’t get you to eat, and today you’re ravenous,” he remarked, as he nodded his head to the last bites of my burger and fries.
“Maddie came by this morning and, well, I’m pregnant.” I smiled at him, amazed that those words passed my lips. I was still terrified about telling Andrew, but that fear was dwarfed by my sheer excitement of becoming a mother.
Josh pulled me into a bear hug, the joy evident on his face, as he stroked my cheek, showing me affection in a completely platonic way. “I’m so happy for you. I know how much you always dreamed of being a mother.”
“Yeah. It’s still hard to believe, but as soon as I saw the test results the nausea went away. I don’t know why, but I’m hoping it stays gone.”
“Have you called him yet?” Josh asked about Andrew without saying his name—not wanting to upset me, I assumed.
“I’m not planning on calling him right away.” I started before he tried to interrupt but I pushed on, “I’ll let him know once I’ve seen a doctor and there’s something to tell him. Right now, it’s only a home test and I want a doctor to verify it. Then and only then, will I call him and tell him what’s going on.”
“I can understand that, I guess. Make sure it’s not a false positive and all that.” He replied causing a look of disbelief to cross my face.
How did a guy know anything about a false positive pregnancy test?
“I also need some time to decide how we should handle visitation and custody. I suspect he will want equal time, but I don’t know how that will work with us being in different states. I may need to see a lawyer before I tell him.” I pondered out loud, the thoughts swirling in my head.
“Custody?”
“Yeah, who the child lives with, who pays support, when they get to see them. I guess the usual stuff, that’s why I may need a lawyer to handle everything.”
“What about the baby being raised by both of you?”
“Atlanta and New Orleans aren’t exactly right next door to each other. I need to have some idea of what is possible before I let him know. We have to be able to agree before the baby arrives,” I explained to him.
“I think you need to give him a chance to be in the baby’s life full-time. Give him a chance to be a father.” A serious look on his face spoke to the gravity of the situation.
“I won’t keep him from being a father, ever. He will be a great dad if he wants anything to do with her, but us having a baby doesn’t mean we have to be together. People have babies all the time and aren’t together. It’s not how I had planned it, but I know this baby is a gift. I’m determined to make sure she has the best life possible, filled with people who love her, Andrew included, if he wants to be. If not, I’ll love her enough for the both of us.” My voice was steady and my resolve firm.
I always knew I was destined to be a mother and the universe is finally paying off for the karmic kick in the ass of dangling Andrew’s love in front of my face and snatching it away. The suffering I had to go through was so I could be this baby’s mother.
A look I couldn’t make out crossed his face before he schooled his expression, and I was left wondering if I was wrong about how to address the baby with Andrew. I wanted him to know I didn’t expect anything from him and I would always allow him to be a father to our child.
All that was left was to find a doctor and then figure out how to tell the man I thought would be my forever that I’m pregnant with his baby.
“How are the nightmares?” Dr. Lee asked me, sitting down for my final session with him.
“Haven’t had one in almost three weeks. I’m finally sleeping through the night and, overall, the dreams are pleasant.” I replied, feeling like a weight had been lifted off of my entire body, my mind clearer and my soul lighter.
I had been in therapy for the last eight weeks. Five days a week, two hours each day. After I lost control and threw Caroline away, I had a breakdown that Dr. Lee said was years in the making. I had been blaming myself for what happened to Emily, afraid that I couldn’t protect Caroline like I didn’t protect Emily.
I had been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. Through counseling, I had learned my triggers, my symptoms, and coping mechanisms on how to handle my anxiety and stress. It would be a lifetime of work but I was willing to do whatever it took to be strong enough for Caroline and the life we deserved.
“How are you feeling? How are you handling Emily moving back to Georgia?” he inquired, worried about my mental state with the fact I couldn’t check on her safety regularly.
“I’m really good, Dr. Lee. I think I’m going to be okay. It’s going to be tough with her going to college and not living with me, but I have to trust she is capable of taking care of herself. I’ll miss her but she has to make her own decisions about her future. I can’t control her.” I told him, a smile on my face, knowing I had given her the tools to be safe and the faith that she was destined for better things than the here and now.
“I like the positive outlook you have about everything. I think you’ll be okay, Andrew. Are you ready for me to have them come in?”
“Absolutely. Let’s finish this so I can go home.” My meaning deeper than our house across town.
Dr. Lee called his secretary and a few minutes later, Emily and Cody walked into the office and sat down with us. This was the final step of my treatment and I was eager to talk to Emily about what Cody and I had discussed a few weeks ago. The winds of destiny were once again blowing in my favor and the future I dreamed about may be within my grasp.
I had agreed to go into outpatient therapy for an extended period of time but it took very little for Dr. Lee to root out my problems. I knew I had always blamed myself for what happened to Emily. I’d allowed her to get hurt and I had internalized all the fear.
In reality, I’d learned I was powerless to stop bad things from happening. Feeling like I was unable to protect the people I loved, I sabotaged my relationship with Caroline and took on the protector role in Emily’s life, determined to make sure she was never hurt again. The emotions and stress compounded when my parents died and I was thrust into the role of guardian. I had taken on a position I wasn’t capable of handling. The weight of raising her, keeping her safe, running the gym, and denying myself the love I so desperately needed had caused something in me to break.
It took losing Caroline, right after fate had delivered her back to me, to come to understand that I can’t control life. I have to experience life as it comes at me, not try and steer the direction it was headed.
What ha
ppened to my sister wasn’t my fault.
What happened to my parents wasn’t my fault.
What happened with Caroline was my fault and I will make it right.
“Cody, you have something you wanted to say?” Dr. Lee starts the session with us, a formality really since Emily had seen him for years and Cody was a regular attendee in my sessions.
“Dr. Lee, thank you for making my friend better. He is so different from the moody bastard that I met all those years ago, and we owe it all to you.” Cody started. “Andrew, I’m so proud of you and how far you have come in such a short period of time. For you to admit that you needed help was the bravest thing I have ever seen and I’m proud of you, man.” My best friend explaining, tears coming to all of our eyes as he patted me on the back.
“Emily?” Dr. Lee said.
“Andrew, I’m sorry what happened to me affected you so badly. I wish it had never occurred but it did and I’m sorry you felt like it was your fault. It wasn’t. It was bad luck, bad timing, and bad people. Never you. I’m glad you finally talked to Dr. Lee and I’m glad you have a chance at a real future, not some sad existence you have to suffer through. Have you decided what you are going to do when I leave for college?” My sister inquired while she held my hand and looked at me with wide eyes.
“Well, I’m not sure how this is going to look and I promise I’m not following you. Okay?” I asked her before continuing. “Cody and I talked a few weeks ago and he made a few inquiries before we said anything. The deal with MSJ Media is completed and all the banking stuff has been taken care of. I want to go back to Georgia with you. Cody and Jacob have offered to buy us out of the gym and Lucas is on board with the changes. The groundwork is already laid, the expansion will be finished this week and the program is a couple of months from launching. If there was a time to make a change, it would be before everything got started. How would you feel about selling our portion of the gym to the guys and we go back home?” I was hoping she would understand there was more back home than her that I needed to be near.
I needed Caroline in my life and I couldn’t make it work with me living in New Orleans. The money we’d make from selling our share of the gym would cover my living expenses for a long while. Lucas had emailed me about opening a gym in Atlanta to build the fitness program in the original market.
It seems Josh and Lucas were good friends, and they were all pulling for Caroline and I to be together. I just prayed she would give me one more chance.
“Am I the only reason you want to go back to Georgia?” Emily asked, a huge smile on her face.
“I’m going home to make things right with Caroline, truth be told. I love her completely and I am willing to grovel for her forgiveness. I’m stronger now and with your blessings and Dr. Lee’s advice, I’m going to tell her what happened, or rather why I reacted the way I did. She needs to know why I acted like I did, why I said what I said, and that I will never do anything like that again.” Admitting I was powerless to stop the demons that had plagued me was a big step in my recovery, accepting I am stronger than those demons as I continued the healing process was another.
“I’m so proud of you, Andrew.” Emily exclaimed as she hugged me, tears falling from her eyes. “I think selling is a great idea. Have you given any thought to what you are going to do for work when we get back to Georgia?”
“Funny thing. Last week, I got a call from Josh about the gym expansion and if I was set on staying in Louisiana or if I would be open to relocation. At first, I thought he was trying to back out of the deal, then he said the weirdest thing. He told me that my fate was waiting and it was time to man up. I admitted to him that I had been seeing Dr. Lee and I was stronger than I had been in years and he told me to contact Lucas. I did and he is offering to set up a gym in Atlanta for the literacy program’s new fitness initiative and wants me in charge of the facility.”
“Is Caroline aware that her friends are playing puppet master with her life? This could blow up in your face, Andrew. What if she can’t forgive you?” Emily asked, a sadness taking over her cheery demeanor.
“Then I have to find a way to move on but something tells me this is our forever. I don’t think that they are playing puppet master with her. Josh saw something that night I never wanted anyone to see, but he did. I don’t think he would set either of us up for heartache again.”
“What did he see?” Her expression turned to worry.
“He saw that my focus was on you and he instinctively knew I was hell-bent on protecting you. He doesn’t know what or why but he told me to get help so, I took his advice—all of your advice. Now, I’m here. Presented with a chance to have the life I have always dreamed of, with the woman destined to be my forever, and I will never stop fighting for us,” I admitted, knowing Caroline would be my wife and the mother of my children someday.
She had to be. She had been my one and only since I was 12 years old and will own my heart for eternity.
“So, when do we leave?” Emily asked as we all broke out into laughter. It felt amazing to feel so happy again. Now to claim my forever.
We signed the paperwork on the gym the following week and the moving company came and packed up the house, placing most of our stuff in storage in Georgia. We were still unsure of what to do with most of our parents’ things, so we donated the clothes to charity and boxed up the rest.
Emily and I decided to get a two-bedroom house close to Emory’s campus and we set off for Georgia, the car packed with necessities until we found a place, her bike being shipped later. I knew it was going to take a few days to find a house so I rented us a suite downtown to adjust to the move.
I let Lucas know we were in town and within an hour, Josh was knocking on the hotel door, welcoming us back home. He came in and we all sat down to talk, hoping I could get some information about Caroline and how she was doing.
“How is she?” I asked, cutting right to the chase. I was here to win her back and the desire to run to her apartment and knock on the door was overwhelming. To know there were less than 15 minutes between us had my heart beating faster and my palms sweating.
“She’s doing pretty good. She mentioned she was thinking about calling you soon. Have you heard from her, Emily?” Josh responded, turning his attention to my sister, a look of affection passing between them.
“She sends me messages a few times a week. Recently, she seems to be in a better mood but when I press her, she clams up and won’t say what is going on.”
“I want to ambush her tomorrow. I know this sounds harsh but whatever you need to deal with, it needs to be sooner than later. There are enough secrets between y’all and it’s time to lay your cards on the table. Are you ready for that, Andrew? Are you ready to tell the truth and hear the truth?”
“I’m past ready. Dr. Lee has helped me understand my issues and I want to be honest with her, for the first time since the day I first broke her heart. Are you sure showing up in the morning is the best idea? I know how defensive she can be and I don’t want this to blow up in my face, Josh.” I hoped he could sense my fear of this being our final good-bye.
“I’m positive. I spoke with Maddie and Lucas over the last few days. Maddie agrees with me. You need to corner her and it is going to take all of us to get her to sit down and listen to what you have to say. But know this, there are things she may say that may make you want to leave. Don’t do it. She is going to push back out of fear. Make her understand how you could do the things you did, and mean it when you say it will never happen again.”
“Are you sure you want him there Emily?” I ask my sister, knowing she had a small crush on Josh and there were some hard truths that were going to be laid out in order for Caroline to forgive me. I didn’t want to make this harder on Emily in the process, nor did I want to uncover my sisters’ secrets.
Secrets she has worked had to keep buried for years.
“I’m sure. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I saw Dr. Lee while he was working with you and I a
m better than before. I don’t think Josh will judge me for what happened and she is going to need all of us to hear the truth.”
“I will never judge you for anything, Emily. I told you that already. We all have bad things that happen in our lives. It’s how you handle it that speaks volumes about a person. Whatever it is, I’m not going anywhere. I promise.” Her facial features relaxed as she blew out the breath she had been holding.
Maybe he wasn’t such a bad choice for my sister but I’ll think about them later. Right now, I have to reclaim Caroline and get her to forgive me.
Josh stood up to leave. “I sent her address to you. Meet me there at 8:15 in the morning. She and I have a breakfast date at 8:30 so she will be expecting me. We all go in and make this right. Agreed?” Josh asked.
“Agreed.” Emily and I responded as he shut the door behind him and we were left alone in the room.
“You can do this Andrew. I’m not going anywhere and together we will make her understand. You’ve worked very hard to get where you are and I’m so proud of you for taking this leap of faith.”
“I’m not worried, Emily. I know this is where I’m supposed to be and she’s who I am supposed to be with.” Responding to my sister as I made my way to my room and crawled into bed. A night filled with dreams of forever allowing me to rest peacefully.
The next morning, we followed the GPS to a nice apartment building in downtown Atlanta with amazing, large balconies for every unit. I could see why she lived here. Caroline loved the sunshine and fresh air and she would need some space in all this hustle and bustle.
We met Josh in the parking garage and he already had bags with breakfast for us. We made our way into the building and my heart raced knowing I would be face to face with my love in a matter of moments. The elevator whisked us up to the 11th floor and we made our way to her corner apartment.
“Stand to the side until she unlocks the door. Then, Emily, you step out first. Surprise her. Andrew, you stay to the side until we start to go into the apartment then I want you to show yourself. I might have to be a little harsh with her but it is for her own good. Trust me.” Josh instructed, as he knocked on the door and we stood to the side, out of view.
The Love That Heals Me (Forever Mine Book 2) Page 16