“What?” I said firmly. I was filled with an ocean of negativity and the walls of my heart exploded as my head was praying with all of its might to a non-existent God that this was all a bad dream. I stood up, stormed out and screamed.
I walked to the bathroom and curled into the bathtub. So much pain filled every fibre of my being. It hurt so badly and I ready to give up. I wanted to die, that’s how painful it felt. Georgia followed and tried lifting me out of the tub. I didn’t want to move and all I could do was wail.
I eventually got up and I left the house.
“Where are you going?” Georgia called out as the door was closing.
I still don’t remember what happened that day because I numbed myself into not feeling. I was a walking corpse of white noise and non-existence. I walked for miles and sat in a park crying my eyes out. I only returned at six o’clock in the evening. Georgia must have heard the door because she was swift to come to me.
“Where the hell were you? I tried phoning you but it went to voicemail! We need to talk about this!” She pleaded.
No words could come out as I stupidly ignored her and went to bed. I slept for four hours and at ten o’clock, I heard a glass breaking in the kitchen. Worried, I rushed and Georgia was there.
“I decided to cook for us tonight. I made some curry.” She said.
I was still waking up and sat at the dinner table. The sleep did no good as the negativity within me resumed. There was so much I wanted and needed to say but nothing would make itself manifest through vocality.
We sat down and ate together, for the large part, in complete silence.
After a while, I spoke, “how long?”
“What?” She said since I did not speak loudly enough.
“How long, Georgia?” I asked more bluntly.
She slammed her fork down onto the table and started shouting, “you know what I hate the most? That you are so selfish!”
I was triggered by this and replied in the same tone, “me selfish? You are the one who has kept this hidden from me!”
“You don’t get it do you? You just don’t understand! I’m sick. S.I.C.K.. sick! This isn’t my fault!” She screamed with the loudest voice I ever heard her speak with.
I turned to look at her. I stood up and paced with my arms crossed. I tried to keep calm but the rage came out, “when did I ever say that this was your fault?”
“You didn’t have to say it Adri! You stormed out and ignored me all day!” She said.
I ignored this and came back with, “how long?! I want to know how long, so just tell me already!”
Georgia jerked up furiously and the glasses of water spilled. She threw her napkin on the floor and she yelled, “two months! Okay! I have two freaking months and that’s all! Then I’ll be gone so you can be happy!”
I was stunned by her words and said, “happy? You think I’ll be happy without you?”
Georgia left in a huff but I quickly caught up with her. I held onto her shirt and she turned around.
“What?!” She shouted.
“Where in the world did you get the idea that I could live without you, let alone be happy if you go?” I said.
“Adri, you can live without me! And it’s not if I go, it’s when I go!” She said.
“Don’t say that!” I yelled. “Don’t f*cking say that!” I didn’t want to hear that. None of it. The truth was too much to bear so I was in complete and utter denial.
Georgia was weak in the knees and we moved to the bedroom. She sat on the bed and looked at me. Her tone changed and the anger turned to sadness in both of us.
“Baby, do you not realise that this…this is kind of it. These last months are…going to be the last.” She whispered.
“I can’t be hearing this right now, I don’t need this right now.” I said with tears of disbelief streaming down my cheeks and clouding my vision with salty fury.
Georgia stood up and almost fell over. She didn’t though, and walked over to me stumbling from her weakened state. Holding my face so that we were eye-to-eye, she quietly said, “this is really it, baby.”
I tried not to look into her eyes in fear that I would fall apart in that moment. From my perspective, my life had ended then and there. I couldn’t acknowledge the reality of what was to come. My brain would not process it because that was never part of the plan. But life cares not for our plans or hopes. It works in cruel and random ways.
“Hey, look at me.” She said.
I finally did but my head and hands were shaking.
“Let’s sit on the bed baby.” Georgia proposed and we did. Both of us were seated together on the edge of the bed. She was staring at me while I looked down at her legs.
“Adri. I wanted to do this later, but I don’t know how weak I will be in a few weeks. I’m going to do this now.” She said.
I was about to speak and then she said, “no no. Let me talk now.” I shook my head as the I welled up.
She continued, “Adri…my darling. Since my time is almost up, I want to close the book… you know? I want to tell you things that I think you need to know before I go.” Georgia took a deep breath. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy for either of us.
“Adrienne, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me and God graced me with an angel even before my time was up. I’m going home soon. Home home. Home to where we belong. But even though I won’t be next to you every day and even though you can’t see me, I promise you that will never be alone. I won’t let that happen.
“Don’t” I begged in a faint voice. I fell into her lap. She held me in her arms as she repeated, “you will never be alone because… I will always be with you. I promise you that you won’t ever be alone again.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that I won’t have you! I can’t live without you!” I hurled.
“Yes you can! And you will! Don’t you dare give up because of me. Remember, I’m just that random party animal you met by accident. Most things in my life have been accidents but goddamn Adri, you were the best one I could ever have asked for. And I am so privileged that the last chapter in my story was all about you. Think to the future when I will be a faded memory. You’ll do this all again with someone else and you won’t even remember me.” She said.
I stood up and irritatedly posited, “don’t say that! Don’t you ever say that to me! I will never forget you and you will never be just a ‘faded’ memory… F*ck! Why are we talking like this? You’re not going to die!”
Georgia shook her head with a sad smile and quietly said, “I am babe. You’re saying this now but eventually as much as I hate to admit it, you will move on and I won’t matter as much anymore. But that doesn’t change how much I love you and the fact that you’ll always have someone above here to guide you. Who knows? One day, we might meet again and you can tell me all about the adventures you had on this great earth. Funny thing is, I know what I’ll say when that day comes. I’ll say ‘Adri, I know, I was there with you the whole time’ and you’ll understand then.”
I clasped my ears. Georgia said, “why won’t you just listen?”
“Because it’s too damn hard Georgia, it’s too damn hard! Do you realise that I can’t even begin to imagine what life will be like without you?” I touched her arm.
“How can I live without these arms, without these lips, without your perfect eyes, your caress and just…just everything! Just you and every last thing about you! I can’t live without you. It’s too much to ask for.” I said.
We spoke all night and the pain seemed to increase with every passing second. How can you wrap your head around losing the only person who has ever mattered to you, let alone the love of your life and the one being that understands and knows everything about you?
Georgia fell asleep in my arms. I woke her up at five o’clock since she was trembling. “Baby, are you okay?” I asked her.
“I can’t sleep.” She uttered.
“Neither can I.” I replied.
She sai
d nothing and I held her, thinking about every thought one can allow to cross one’s mind. I stroked her hair as her breathing pattern soothed my mind.
In that moment, I made a decision. I was going to make her last couple of months the best of her life. For better or worse, I needed to set aside my own selfishness. My girl needed to be looked after during her final weeks and she deserved to be treated like a princess in the little time she had left. I had been so selfish up until that point. How I felt did not matter, this was all about her and her well-being.
I did not get a wink of sleep that morning. There we were, lying next to each other silently as the sun prepared itself to rise. Inside of me, there was no sun. All that existed was a cold that I hadn’t experienced before. A truth that I was pushing to the back of my mind for this beautiful angel cradled in my arms. A girl who didn’t deserve the cruelty and fate that she was dealt in this life, one who merited so much more but would never be given that chance.
It mattered not now though. What was to come was now a certainty and all we could do was to make the best of the remaining instances. But even positive thinking could not outweigh the countdown which not only ticked but roared like a menace in my mind.
7
The Last Days
Morning broke at last, after a sleepless night. My body felt as stiff as a rock and it was as if I had been hit by a train. Georgia got off of me and whispered, “baby? You up?”
I turned to face her and smiled, “morning beautiful.”
She leaned in and I kissed her. She pulled away to speak but I didn’t allow her. She giggled and breathed on my lips as I passionately embraced her for another few seconds, not letting her go.
Georgia then got up and said, “I need the toilet, I’ll be right back.”
At that instant I thought things were looking up, at least a little bit, but I was very wrong. I heard Georgia struggling and I hurriedly pounced out of bed and made my way to the bathroom, “what’s up? What’s wrong?” I asked worried.
She was clearly in so much agony. Holding her stomach tightly and shutting her eyes to distract herself from the pain, I asked the same questions again. “What’s wrong?”
With a bravery resembling that of an Amazon warrior, she ignored the pain for a split second as she faked a smile and looked up at me with a hunched back. “Nothing baby, it’s all okay.”
I knelt beside her and held her leg. “Tell me. Please.”
Georgia started crying and I asked one question, “is it getting worse?”
She said no words but the gesture she performed told me everything I needed to know. With a slow reluctant head nod, her heart said, “yes, this is the beginning of the end.”
Over the course of the next few weeks, I put my life on hold. I had to. We had our down moments and there were occasions she had to go to the hospital, but most of all, we lived life to the fullest even though it was for the briefest amount of time. I took her out on dates, we went to the movies almost every week, I drove her around the countryside, we discovered a new beach where I held her as the waves crashed on the shore near us while our feet immersed themselves into the warm sand.
It was pleasant. At the time, it was heaven but I merely use the word ‘pleasant’ in retrospect because the time we spent together meant that the time of our last goodbye was drawing ever-nearer.
Two months went by and Georgia was clearly as ill as ever. One morning, she woke up and could not get out of bed. I asked her what she wanted and she simply stated that she wanted a cup of tea.
I made her breakfast in bed and it was delightful. A few hours later, when we were snuggling up with a movie, I asked her what else she wanted. She told me that she’d like to spend a weekend back home with her family. I consented to driving her all the way there since there was no chance I’d allow her on public transport in the state she was in. However, I couldn’t stay there with her and I deemed it healthy for her to be alone with her family to have quality time with them.
We decided that we would take the trip on the Friday morning and then on the Sunday, she would be dropped back.
On the Friday, I loaded up the car with her medication, snacks, some water and all the belongings that she’d need.
I didn’t mind being her carer because that’s what true love signifies: being there for the one you love in sickness and in health. I loved her so much that I would have done anything humanly conceivable if it was to make her happy.
She fell asleep with a blanket around her and she did not awake until we arrived. Her mother met us at the car as Georgia went inside. The last thing I said to her was, “okay baby, I’ll see you on Sunday. Be safe and text me when you can.” Little did I know that those words would be the last I would ever say to her.
I drove home and the five hour drive was torture. Once again, my old nemesis was beside me and all around me: my thoughts. I was alone with them as they spoke hateful and dark anecdotes which rung out like bells in my head.
When I arrived back at the apartment, I was exhausted and fell straight to bed. The Saturday was pretty boring and I missed Georgia so much. I wondered how I would live my life without her for eternity let alone for one weekend. I just wanted Sunday to hurry along and be here already.
That night, I didn’t sleep either and I woke up uneasy on the Sunday morning at six o’clock. I was shaking and checked my phone. There was nothing there. Georgia hadn’t replied to my text from the night before.
I made myself a hot cup of tea but something was playing up within me. I was ever so anxious and panicky. Why was that? I asked myself.
Every hour lingered and dragged on. I kept informing myself that eventually, Georgia would text me back but she hadn’t. I feared the worst. I called her over and over and even tried contacting her parents.
I paced, I panicked, I sweated, I could not settle in one spot for longer than ten minutes without being jittery. Oh how life drags out the worst occurrences to make sure that you feel every ounce of pain and every second of heartache. Even throughout the night, I called her but this time, her phone went straight to the answering machine.
Sunday came around at snail’s pace. I never took notice of how long the early hours of the morning are in comparison to sunlight hours. I waited and waited.
The evening was just as bad only Georgia did not come back home at the time she said she would.
Then, out of the blue, my phone rang. It was the call that changed everything and ended our story.
Epilogue
The truth is that Georgia knew she was going to die that weekend. She had chosen it specifically so that I did not have to see it happen. She left this earth in a very different way to how she entered it. She was not alone in the end, and she never will be.
The funeral? I didn’t go. I was too busy taking a walk that would prove to be my last. The wind had no impact on my skin. I might have been wrapped up in a warm cosy parka and while my head was snuggly engulfed by a quality beanie, but I cannot feel the chilling gush on my face like I usually did.
The cold I felt was internal, and it broke every fibre that existed within my soul. A soul which was once complete and which had unity with my mind and body was now a broken fragment of the person I used to be.
As I sat beside the lake that we would so often come to, I was torn between walking away and holding on to the memories which meant the absolute world to me. Letting go is never a simple endeavour.
I couldn’t believe that I lost Georgia… lost her forever. She was the love of my life and the one I thought would be my wife. I adore her but with every moment that she is gone, I destroy myself in new ways: in ways I did not know it was possible to destroy oneself. I know that I miss her and I know how much she means to me but what I do not understand is why my heart is so bruised nor why my mind is so jaded.
I have tried over and over again to identify just what hurts the most. If I could locate it, surely I could work on some kind of healing process? It isn’t the screaming inside my head or the rush
ing memories of her that come in every dream that I have. No, what hurts the most is the silence. The quiet emptiness of life without love.
Time moves swiftly forward but your thoughts do not catch up. You tell yourself all the useless advice that you have known since you were a child. That you should move on and forget the past. It isn’t that easy. It never has been that easy.
You can’t control how you feel. Any so called ‘cure’ is just an anecdote to distract your mind for a short amount of time before the uninvited memories return to the forefront of your mind. The silence returns and it is as loud as a hundred lions. It’s just as scary too. It frightens you and you begin to worry that you will always feel this way.
Forever and Always Page 7