And of course, there was Lord Overton. He, naturally, did not chat with her. In fact, he made every attempt to avoid being in the same room with her. Even Pearl—Lord Overton had generously granted Juliet permission to call his niece—did not like her very much. Juliet did not hold this against her; the little girl had been through so much.
Even if Juliet found a different position, many of her struggles would remain the same. She could never be friends with any of the maids or any of the ladies. She would always be trapped in between.
At least, in another home, there would be no Solomon. Or rather, Lord Overton. She still had to remind herself that they no longer had the type of relationship where calling each other by their given names would be acceptable. She always called him Solomon in her memories, in her daydreams.
Somehow Juliet had made it out to the back veranda. The cool, fresh air snapped her back to the present moment, to the reality she must soon face.
She quickened her steps, eager to reach the orchard. Juliet loved being outside. She would rather be outside sketching under the shade of a tree or identifying various plants and birds. If she must be trapped by the idle nature of life, she could at least be trapped out of doors.
The breeze pushed Juliet forward, her skirts tangling up around her legs. It guided her down the path toward the orchard. She ran her hand over the old, rough bark as she walked quietly under the trees. After making it a few feet in, Juliet paused to look up at the leaves above. The early morning sunlight filtered down between the branches, turning the brown and orange leaves into a soft, glowing gold.
The warm sunlight felt so rejuvenating on her face. Juliet closed her eyes and imagined herself absorbing its strength and energy. She would need it for the conversation she must have today. It would not be easy. Indeed, her life had not been easy for quite a long time. The path she’d chosen certainly wouldn’t change that but at least she had a purpose to strive toward. Juliet could face all that later. For now, all she wanted was to enjoy a beautiful morning.
Juliet turned her attention from the sky to the ground. Despite the anxiety that had been building in her since she stepped foot in Palgrave Castle, despite the dread looming over her for her future, Juliet felt a smile twitching at the corner of her mouth.
A smattering of leaves lay before her on the path through the orchard, not yet swept away by the groundskeepers. Juliet decided to play a game she’d loved as a child. She hopped onto one of the fallen leaves with one foot, the other foot kicked up behind her. When she spotted her next target, she hopped to that leaf and continued the pattern, switching from one foot to the other. She loved the crunching sound the leaves made under her walking boots. She loved that it reminded her of dancing—something she had once loved, something she would never do again.
“Good morning, Miss Richards.” A cold, monotone voice startled Juliet just as she hopped to the next leaf. It caught her so off guard that she nearly lost her balance. She righted herself as quickly as she could, hoping her blush would not be visible from this distance. Juliet straightened out her skirt to buy her a bit more time before she would have to look up and make her response.
Lord Overton stood a few yards further up the path off to the right side, as if he’d just emerged between the trees. Juliet was surprised to see him up and about so early. She was not surprised, however, to see that he looked just as aloof and displeased to see her as he always did. His statement on the day she’d arrived about having nothing but friendly feelings toward her could not have been further from the truth.
Juliet felt his hostility every time they had to be in the same room together. He looked at her with such coldness that it broke her heart. That was why she could not stay. She could not blame Lord Overton for his behavior—Juliet would hate herself, too, if she were in his shoes.
The earl tilted his head to the side slightly, annoyance flashing over his face before he could compose it back to his usual stoic disdain.
“Good morning, my lord,” Juliet mumbled, suddenly aware that she had been staring at him for far too long. “What brings you out here so early in the morning?”
Lord Overton stepped closer until he stood just before Juliet, hands clasped behind his back. Juliet’s heartbeat picked up speed. Was it caused by surprise at being discovered, nerves about the conversation they would soon have about her resignation, or desire for the man she had once loved so deeply? She could not be sure.
“As this is my estate, I do believe I’ve earned the right to walk around it anytime I please,” he answered, the words coming out harsh and bitter.
Juliet wished she could kick herself for asking such a silly question. She always seemed to act so foolishly around Lord Overton now. Yet, even amidst her embarrassment, she sensed something else. Longing. Longing for the days of their Season in London three years ago. They had conversed so easily then, they had been so comfortable around each other, so perfect.
Now, they were strangers. No, worse than strangers. They had a history that they both tried to bury.
Sometimes Juliet wished they were strangers, that they’d never met. But, looking at the man standing before her, the sunlight turning his auburn hair into flames, turning his eyes into a summer green with flecks of gold, his pained face that she wanted so desperately to comfort...she could not quite bring herself to wish for that.
“My apologies, Lord Overton. It seems I haven’t quite fully woken up yet myself.” Juliet smiled awkwardly, attempting a casual chuckle that she knew immediately sounded very forced.
Juliet almost thought her eyes deceived her when she saw the earl soften just a bit. She knew she need not be surprised. Lord Overton was not a cruel man. In fact, he was the kindest, sweetest man she’d ever met. Of course his guard would be up around her. Anyone would be cautious around someone after they’d been thrown over with no explanation. And he now suffered immensely with the loss of his beloved brother and sister-in-law.
As she stole another moment to stare at the earl, Juliet could see the sorrow in his face beneath the cold, uncaring mask he wore in front of her. Try as he might, Juliet could still read him. She knew him. And she knew he was heartbroken. Juliet’s heart broke for him, too. She desperately wished to comfort him, hold his hands, say something to ease his pain even if just by a fraction. She could barely stand to see the bright, cheerful, carefree man she remembered looking so somber and pained.
Lord Overton’s eyes fell and Juliet’s eyes followed. She clenched her teeth in horror, her heartbeat ramping up into a painful hammering, when she realized that her hand had lifted up of its own accord, as if she were really going to reach out and stroke his face. The muscle in Lord Overton’s jaw twitched. For a wild moment Juliet thought she saw a flash of desire in his eyes, as if he wanted her to reach out.
Juliet snatched her hand back and quickly adjusted her shawl. Her heart played tricks on her. She knew Lord Overton would never have such a desire again. Her own desire, the desire she’d been trying to silence for three years, made her see things.
That was the other reason she could not remain in this house. If Lord Overton’s coldness felt like it might kill her, her own enduring love for him seemed likely to finish her off. Juliet had long since given up trying to deny that she still cared for him. She had thought she was doing the right thing back then, protecting herself. Instead, she had only brought years of constant aching to herself in addition to hurting the man she loved.
But Juliet had known, even as she’d broken both their hearts, despite her efforts to convince herself otherwise, that Solomon was the only man she could ever love. These years apart had not been able to erase that. Her heart still yearned for him just as much as it always had. She’d been a fool back then and now, even worse, she was a powerless fool. She could never change his opinion of her, never receive the forgiveness she longed for because she knew she did not deserve it. All she could do now with the power remaining to her was abandon the love of her life once more.
Juliet cle
ared her throat and gathered up all the courage she could find. “In fact, I’m very glad to have happened upon you this morning.”
Lord Overton did not respond. He simply observed her cautiously. Juliet felt that she could drown in those beautiful eyes, the perfect shade of summer green. She absolutely needed to leave as soon as possible.
“You see, I have decided that I will leave at the end of my month as we’d previously discussed,” she continued, feeling equal parts awkward and guilty. “I’m so very grateful for this opportunity you’ve given me.” She did not elaborate any further.
The earl continued to stare at her in silence, his eyes dark, the atmosphere around him heavy. Juliet fidgeted with the edge of her shawl. Why was he looking at her so intensely?
“Why are you doing this?” he asked.
The question surprised Juliet. She could sense the deeper meaning in his words, but she could not explain her real reasons.
Juliet shrugged and offered a half-truth. “Well, I put an advertisement in the paper, found a position, and have determined that I am not the right woman for this particular job.”
Lord Overton shook his head, his brow furrowed in frustration. A pit opened up in Juliet’s stomach as she heard his silent words. He knew that she was deflecting, that she knew what he’d really asked.
Juliet pulled her eyes away, training them on a button on the earl’s black morning coat. The intensity of his gaze nearly suffocated her. “Do you want the real truth? Ugly as it may be?”
“Yes,” Lord Overton replied, his authority evident in that one simple word.
“The real, ugly truth is that I cannot stand my parents’ meddling any longer. I’m seeking freedom, trying to make my life meaningful in some way. And I cannot do that while living under their roof, under their orders. They will always have other plans for me, shallow plans that will leave me empty.” Juliet’s voice was barely a whisper. She would much rather pretend that none of that mattered now. But Lord Overton knew enough about her family that there would be no point in lying or downplaying the situation for him.
Suddenly, the button Juliet had fixed her attention on inched closer. Almost too close. She did not remove her eyes from that spot, even when she felt his hand brush against her shoulder. Her eyes grew wide, her heart shooting up into her throat.
Juliet dared to glance up and saw that Lord Overton had pulled a fallen leaf off her shoulder that she hadn’t noticed. This was the closest they had been in years. His touch sent a thrill through her, exciting and familiar all at once. And now that she’d felt it again, she missed it all the more.
“I understand your decision.” Lord Overton took a step back, his eyes cold and his voice monotone once more. “I will write the promised reference and pay for your travel, wherever you wish to go next.”
Juliet’s heart sank from her throat all the way to the deepest corner of her stomach, her eyes falling back to his coat button. She should not have been surprised that he accepted her resignation so easily—yet for some reason she was. Some small part of her had hoped that he would ask her to stay. No matter how miniscule that part had been, it was enough to cause her unjustified disappointment. In reality, Juliet knew that he likely wanted to be rid of her.
She looked up once more, foolishly hoping to see something she could recognize—love or longing perhaps. All she saw was pain.
Juliet smiled. “Thank you, my lord. I should return to the house and prepare for Pearl’s lessons before she wakes.”
Lord Overton made no reply as Juliet turned and made her way back down the path. Juliet knew she should be grateful that the conversation had gone so easily. But she could not stop herself from wishing that there had been some resistance, even if it was just a flicker of regret in his eyes.
The path felt much longer on the way back. The orchard had lost its dewey, silent charm now that the sun rose higher in the sky with each passing moment. Juliet wished that her last memory of the orchard could have been one of happiness.
As Juliet reached the edge of the trees, she could not resist the urge to glance over her shoulder.
He stood where she had left him, looking at the leaf still in his hand.
“Excellent. Read this next paragraph here,” Juliet instructed, her finger resting on the page. Pearl nodded and continued reading, her youthful voice lilting easily over the words.
Juliet smiled as she listened. Pearl was a very bright girl. She’d come out of her shell bit by bit over the past month, although she obviously still suffered, sometimes finding it difficult to concentrate on her lessons. Pearl always enjoyed her reading lessons, so Juliet found herself able to relax a bit and enjoy the progress they’d made so far.
“Very good, Pearl. I’d like you to read this sentence again, slowly and carefully. Sound the words out.” Juliet kept her voice gentle and encouraging.
Juliet knew she’d chosen a difficult passage, but Pearl had surprised her before with her ability to learn and improve quickly. The governess no longer shied away from challenging her student. She knew that, as long as they worked together with patience, Pearl would succeed in the end.
To her great surprise, Pearl grasped Juliet’s hand and pulled out her index finger, using it to point at each word as she reread the sentence as Juliet had asked. Juliet had often used her finger to point out the words in a difficult sentence or a new passage. Apparently, Pearl appreciated this.
Juliet smiled softly at her young charge, her heart sinking with sadness. She did not want to leave this sweet girl behind, especially now that she seemed to finally be warming up to Juliet all while making impressive progress.
“Well done!” Juliet patted the back of Pearl’s head, smoothing down her stubborn light brown curls. She grew quiet and thoughtful, keeping hold of Juliet’s finger.
“Mama and Papa really aren’t coming back, are they?” she whispered.
Juliet’s heart broke. Pearl had often asked after her parents, trying to understand what their deaths meant. It could be a difficult subject for adults to grapple with, let alone a six-year-old girl. But Juliet knew that Pearl hadn’t quite understood the permanence of the situation yet, at least in this realm. Juliet always tried to explain it as simply and kindly as she could every time Pearl brought it up, but for some reason it seemed to finally fall into place in her mind today.
As Juliet struggled to find something to say, Pearl began to cry, the tears slipping down her round cheeks silently. Juliet pulled the girl onto her lap and Pearl wrapped her arms around Juliet, burying her face in her governess’s chest. Her little body trembled with grief.
Tears sprung up in Juliet’s eyes as well, threatening to spill. She could not imagine suffering such a loss at this young age. She needed to be strong for this child who clearly needed someone to comfort her, to hold her through her pain. She needed Juliet.
After wiping her own tears away with the back of her hand and taking a steadying breath, Juliet gently pulled Pearl back so the girl would look up at her. Her big hazel eyes stared at Juliet, tears continuing to overflow. Juliet hated that such a young, innocent child should be confronted with this pain.
“I’m so very sorry, darling,” Juliet whispered, cupping Pearl’s soft, damp cheek in her hand. “I know you must be hurting so deeply right now and you likely will for a while. That is all part of the mourning process. Do you know what mourning means?”
Pearl pursed her lips together and furrowed her brow as she contemplated the word. Juliet would have laughed at the serious expression had the situation not been so melancholy. “I think it means being sad. I heard people say it a lot when they talked about my mama and papa.”
She was indeed a very bright girl. “Yes, it does mean being sad. When you lose someone you love very much, you will be sad that you can’t see them anymore. You might be sad for a long time, or you might have periods of sadness in between your happy times. Mourning is a process and it often looks like it goes up and down and all around. But mourning means something else.�
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As Juliet spoke, a calm conviction settled over her. She did not feel very qualified to give this speech to Pearl since she had only lost distant grandparents and a sickly cousin several years ago whom she’d never been close to. But somehow she felt in her heart that this was what Pearl needed to hear.
“What else?” Pearl asked, tilting her head to the side, gazing at Juliet intently. A few tears still fell here and there, but she, too, had grown calmer.
“Mourning means being sad, but it also means remembering.” Juliet brushed her thumb against Pearl’s cheek in soothing circles as she gazed back. Perhaps Pearl was not the only one learning today. Juliet’s heart swelled with her adoration of the little girl, with her hope that she would soon find happiness again.
“Remembering?” Pearl stuck her bottom lip out as she puzzled over Juliet’s words.
“Yes, remembering the ones we love and cherishing the memories we made with them here on Earth. You’ll always have those memories, so your mama and papa will never truly leave you. You won’t see them again in this life, but you will see them in a better place, when you are all grown up and have so many stories to tell them about all the things you did and saw.”
Pearl raised her eyebrow. “What kind of stories can I tell them? I only know bedtime stories.”
Juliet chuckled. Children had a strange way of either making everything into a fantastical farce or taking everything very literally. “You can tell them all kinds of stories—funny ones, silly ones, lovely ones, angry ones, sad ones, exciting ones. I’m sure they’ll want to hear them all.”
The girl nodded thoughtfully and murmured, “I will need a lot more stories.”
“I’m sure you will collect many stories for them,” Juliet assured her. “There is nothing wrong with being sad or missing your parents, Pearl. But they would want you to remember them with joy. They want you to be happy. It may take some time to be happy, but perhaps we can try it now?” Juliet tilted her head to the side as Pearl had done earlier. The girl’s smile was all the permission Juliet needed.
Embracing The Earl's Dream: A Clean Regency Romance (Resolved In Love Book 4) Page 3