“You’re scared that Sean will do the same thing that I did,” he said hoarsely. “But I don’t think he will.”
“Yeah? Based on what? All those tea leaves you’ve been reading?”
“No. It’s a feeling I get from him. My instincts. And I’m betting you’re getting the same feeling, if you’re honest about it. Sean’s nothing like me. Is he?”
“No,” she said without hesitation. “But, as you know, my instincts about what men want and don’t want are a bit faulty.”
“Oh, I don’t know. I’m sure your instincts raised a red flag or two about me. I’m guessing you ignored them.”
She froze as the lightning bolt from a massive aha! moment zapped through the top of her head.
She thought about all the times her inner voice had warned that things weren’t right with Edward. That things should be easier with him. That their relationship should progress more quickly. That he should be more open and involved and she shouldn’t feel so fraught all the time, as if she was doing something wrong or somehow failing him despite all her best ongoing efforts.
She’d spent so much time blaming herself for his evident dissatisfaction and feeling that she wasn’t enough for him.
But...had he ever been enough for her? Wasn’t that an equally important issue?
And then, one level below all those doubts, her super-quiet and therefore easily ignored gut instincts had whispered that she and Edward didn’t have as much in common as they should. That there were times—a lot of times—when they didn’t understand each other very well at all.
Moments when she wondered why she was hanging her entire future on a man who didn’t seem to get her half the time and whom she wasn’t sure she liked all that much the other half of the time.
“Amber?”
She shook her head, trapped inside her utter disbelief that she’d somehow landed herself in this emotional mess when every wrong turn she’d taken now seemed so clear in hindsight.
Jesus.
“We’ve got to get you past this. You need…What’s the word?” He snapped his fingers several times. “Closure. You need closure.”
She snatched a tissue from the box on a nearby shelf and wiped her nose, wishing it was that easy.
“How am I supposed to get it, pray tell?”
He frowned thoughtfully, rubbing his lips, then snapped his fingers again.
“I got it. I said this before, but I’ll mention it again. For what it’s worth.”
“By all means,” she said tiredly.
“I think the underlying issue is that I realized we were a bad fit before you did. I pulled the trigger before you could. You never got the chance to split up with me. Which you should have. Long ago. Matter of fact, let’s do that right now. Clear the air.”
She frowned even though her nape had begun to prickle because she knew he was right. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Break up with me.” He squared his shoulders and gave her a come on gesture. “Let’s go.”
She opened her mouth to tell him that that was a ridiculous idea, but some inner Beyoncé sprang to life and took the reins, determined to inform Edward that he wasn’t irreplaceable. At all.
“You know what?” She widened her legs like Sasha Fierce. Hiked up her chin. “I think I will.”
“Hit me,” he said grimly.
“Fuck you, Edward.” She pointed at his nose, warming to the topic. “I am so sick of you and your bullshit. I’m sick of you and your whole aloof routine. I’m sick of your inability to be emotionally available to me. I could get more feedback and warmth from a pet goldfish. I’m sick of the way you make me feel inconvenient or invisible. I feel like I could disappear and it would take you a week to notice. I can do so much better than you.”
To his credit, he stood tall and took it all like a man.
“Good. What else?”
“I mean, did you ever look at me? Did you ever see me? Did you ever try to show interest in me and my hobbies? You were always trying to force me to play golf with you or drag me to some lame-ass Yankees game—”
“Whoa. Ease up on the Yankees.”
“—well, here’s a news flash for you: I hate baseball! Actually, that shouldn’t be a news flash because I told you a million times. It’s not a thrill for me to sit in the hot sun with you for four hours waiting for some idiots to hit a ball with a stick and run around some bases. And don’t ask me to go camping with you. Do I look like a camper to you? Do I look like I want to drag my ass into the woods so I can sleep on the cold, hard ground and be attacked by mosquitoes all night? Let me help you out. The answer is no.”
“Hang on. You never traveled with me—”
“Are you talking about that Miami trip you had your heart set on that time? I’d just come back from a shoot in Miami. I wasn’t trying to turn around and go back.”
“—and you never wanted us to cook together when I suggested it.”
“That’s because your idea of cooking together is sipping wine and watching me do all the work! You want to spend time together? You want us to share hobbies? Why not go shopping with me sometimes? Why not go to the occasional fashion show or costume exhibit with me? You know I like fashion, right? Since I used to be a model, and all? And you used to tease me about all my fashion magazines. You never thought my little hobby would amount to anything, did you? Well, look around you. Look what I built! How you like me now?”
“You’re amazing,” he said, his gaze warm and steady. “I’m really proud of you. I’m not surprised at all.”
A nice sentiment, but she wasn’t in the mood to let bygones be bygones.
Not quite yet.
“You were a really shitty boyfriend to me, Edward. I’m so thrilled for your precious Reeve that you’re Mr. Perfect for her, but you were shitty with me. If you’re great with her, it’s because I was your canary in the mine. I trained you to be a better man. I suffered through all your rough edges. I paid the price for her to have this great guy that you wouldn’t become for me. Do you know or care about that?”
“Yes. To both. I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re not. You’re glad to be rid of me.”
He wiped his eyes again. “I’m sorry, Amber.”
“Oh, please. Fuck you.”
“Amber. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”
She had another heartfelt fuck you locked and loaded in the chamber, but then she took a good look at all the turbulence and shame in his expression. All the sorrow. All the helpless honesty.
Like magic, that final curse dissipated like fog in the early morning sunshine. Even better, it took most of her anger and bitterness with it.
She paused to catch her breath, feeling lighter by the second. It was miraculous how well this closure plan of his worked.
“God, you were right. I feel so much better now.”
“Oddly, I feel worse,” he said wryly, grabbing a tissue to wipe his nose.
“Oh, and one more thing. I am a million times happier with Sean than I ever was with you. So good riddance. Bye.”
“I won’t let your door hit me on the ass on my way out,” he said, a glimmer of triumph in his eyes. “So you agree with me.”
“Agree with you about what?” she asked suspiciously, her wits a little dull now that she’d blown off all that steam.
“That we were a bad fit and breaking up was the right thing. For both of us.”
She blinked. Tried to recapture some of her fury before the last crumbling remnants blew away.
“No. I hate you. I’d never agree with you about anything. Screw you.”
“Ah,” he said, trying not to smile.
Whereupon her remaining hard feelings left her in a whoosh.
They burst into joint laughter, a huge relief after focusing so much of her energy on hating him for the last several months. He reached for her, or maybe she reached for him, and the next thing she knew, they were hugging it out, as friends, and this new phase of their relationship fe
lt right.
Evidently Edward was thinking along the same lines.
“I’m grateful for our time together,” he said as they swayed gently and he held her tighter. “I’m glad our birth control failed. Thank you for our daughter.”
She nodded and pulled back again, determined not to do any more crying today if she could help it.
But he took her hand. Squeezed it. “So listen. About Sean—”
The baby monitor crackled, startling them.
“Mommy?” said Ella’s drowsy and disembodied voice.
Shooting Edward an apologetic look, Amber hurried into the back room that served as both the kitchen and her office, where Ella yawned and stretched in the stroller. Amber quickly unstrapped her and picked her up along with her satin blankie, savoring her powder fresh warmth and the solid weight of her little body. Ella rested her head on her shoulder and slung an arm around her neck, snuggling closer in the post-nap ritual that melted Amber’s heart every time.
She went to the fridge and withdrew Ella’s little sippy cup with handles, then retrieved a cup of cheddar flavored Goldfish from the counter. Thus supplied, she settled in the oak rocking chair that she’d put in the corner for this very purpose, arranging Ella’s legs on either side of her torso so that the girl could straddle her.
“How was your nap, little Miss Ella?” she asked, rocking slowly.
“Good.”
Ella reached for the sippy cup. Drank deeply. Exchanged the sippy cup for the cup of Goldfish. Needed help with the lid. Took one and crunched it loudly. Took the next one and pressed it to Amber’s lips.
“You’re very good at sharing,” Amber told her, the same thing she always said.
“I know,” Ella said, the same thing she always said.
They continued until all the Goldfish were gone, with Amber thinking about how much she enjoyed these quiet moments with her precious child and whether Sean might also enjoy these times with Ella.
That was about the time that Edward appeared and leaned against the doorframe, his expression moody as he stared at their daughter. He looked like he had something on his mind, so Amber waited.
“Speaking of sharing...It’s hard to share her,” he finally said, his voice gruff.
“There’s a news flash.” Amber scowled and rolled her eyes at him over the top of Ella’s head. “Or did you expect me to do all the sharing?”
“Nope.” He chuckled at himself. “In my mind, I was mature and evolved. I was ready to hold up my half of our little modern family. Until I saw the three of you together on the sidewalk the day of the fire.”
“Not so easy to be mature, is it?” Amber asked smugly.
“It is not.”
Now fully energized from her nap and fueled from her snack, Ella squirmed down and hit the ground running, zooming over to hug Edward around the legs—“Hi, Daddy!”—before zooming back to rummage in the stroller’s storage bin. Then she produced a book and presented it to Amber with the bright smile that showcased all her tiny teeth and irresistible dimples.
“Here’s the Ginch, Mommy. You read it.”
Amber heaved a long-suffering sigh. “Christmas was four months ago, Miss Ella. Why can’t we move on? How about The Cat in the Hat?”
“No, Mommy,” Ella said, coming back, putting the book on Amber’s lap and flipping to the first page.
“One Fish, Two Fish?”
But Ella, who had heard Amber’s suggested reading list before and had won this argument every single time, was not about to be dissuaded.
“No!”
“Fine,” Amber said unenthusiastically, taking the book.
Luckily, Ella wasn’t known for her long attention span and veered over to the window to watch the steady stream of passersby on the sidewalk.
“Look, Mommy! It’s a dog!”
“I see that,” Amber said.
Edward took advantage of the momentary distraction and came closer.
“As I was saying. About Sean,” he murmured to Amber, keeping a close eye on Miss Nosy Pants over there. “It’s possible that he—”
But Ella possessed the enhanced hearing of a CIA operative with a listening device pressed against a closed door. She had the uncanny ability to hear words that interested her, like toy, snack and, evidently, Sean, under any conditions.
“Sean?” She looked around with keen toddler interest, scanning the room. “Where’s Sean, Mommy?”
“He’s not here, Miss Ella,” Amber hastily told her, fearing the onset of a tantrum.
Ella’s chin wobbled. “Where’s Sean?”
“I’m not sure,” Amber said, exchanging an Oh, shit! look with Edward and swiftly changing gears. “Why don’t you come on over so we can read The Grinch?”
The adults held their breath, waiting for her response.
“Okay,” said Ella, whose mood had evidently been moderated by her snack. She amiably trotted back over, climbed into Amber’s lap and settled in to look at the pictures.
“Crisis averted,” Edward said with unmistakable relief. “Well done.”
“Thanks,” she said, shooting him a grateful smile. It was nice to be back on good terms with him again. “You were saying? Talk fast.”
“Two things. First, I’d really appreciate it if you’d give R-E-E-V-E a chance. You’ll like each other. I swear you’d be friends if you met at a cocktail party.”
Amber shot him the evil eye. “Don’t push it. Let me take this one step at a time, okay?”
“Yeah, but—”
Ella frowned thoughtfully at her father. “What’s R-E-E-V-E, Daddy?”
“I just, ah, spelled something out with letters, Little Girl.”
“Letters?” Ella’s expression cleared. “F-U-C-K!”
“Not again,” Amber muttered, glowering at Edward. “Every time I think she’s done with this phase, she starts up again. I blame you.”
“F-U-C-K!”
“But is that fair?” Edward asked brightly. “I’ve already apologized and suffered your wrath for it. Many times. And someone’s got to teach her to curse. Why not her loving father?”
“F-U-C-K!”
“And what was the second thing you wanted to tell me?” Amber asked, rolling her eyes.
“That maybe your boy is on a relationship learning curve just like I am. Maybe he got all of his bad behavior out of his system in previous relationships, like I did. Maybe he’s ready for the real thing with you. I think you should give him a shot. Don’t keep punishing him for what I did.”
She didn’t need it, of course, but Edward’s endorsement of Sean carried a great deal of weight with her. On top of being a good judge of character, Edward would never put Ella in harm’s way by encouraging Amber to have a relationship with someone whose motives he didn’t trust.
Still…
“I’m not sure,” she said glumly as another doubt reached out to trip her up. “Did you see the way he looked at his sister-in-law Dara earlier? He used to have a thing for her back in Cincinnati years ago, before she married his brother.”
Edward gawked at her as though she’d suggested listing Ella for adoption on the black market. “Are you insane? He’s all about you. As soon as you give him a real chance, he’s going to propose. Mark my words.”
Her heart soared with the sudden possibilities.
“F-U-C-K!”
“And what about the whole sharing issue?” she asked, wanting to make sure she and Edward covered all their bases while they had the chance. “You ready for that?”
He snorted.
“There’s a lot of this one—” he shot a significant glance at Ella—
“F-U-C-K!”
“—to go around. I was worried about sharing her with another man, but at this point I think you and I need all the backup we can get. And we could do a lot worse in the way of bonus parents than R and S. Don’t you think?”
“Yeah.” She nodded, the last of her doubts slipping away. Her heart kept yelling at her, trying to flag her down
and send encouraging messages about Sean. Why not listen? “I do think.”
“Good.” Edward also nodded, looking gratified. “Sounds to me like the only question left is whether you’re in love with him or not.”
Amber ducked her head before Edward could see her flush, knowing that there was no question at all.
Chapter Nineteen
“And this is the kitchen,” Sean said early that afternoon, concluding his family tour of the newly remodeled Harper Rose with a viewing of the restaurant’s nerve center.
“Wow,” his mother said, pressing a hand to her heart as she surveyed his new domain. “I just can’t believe it. I keep waiting for Gordon Ramsey or someone to walk in.”
“Me too,” Dara said, laughing.
Sean beamed with pride, his pleasure dimmed only by the fact that Mike, as per his usual MO when it came to Sean, remained steely and silent. Although that was better than his other usual MO with Sean, which was overbearing and disapproving.
Sean forced himself to maintain a positive attitude as he turned away from his brother’s grim face, determined to enjoy a hard-earned moment of satisfaction. He’d worked his ass off there in the last several months, and it showed.
The place gleamed with stainless steel and polished floors, the brand-new high-end stoves idle for the moment but ready to produce savory steam and sizzles a bit later. The place featured the best of everything, including the crew in their pristine white chef’s jackets and aprons, point of sale software, hanging pots and pans, china, cutlery and ingredients. The crew hustled back and forth, unpacking boxes of produce, polishing surfaces and completing some of the other tasks that needed doing before the opening.
All in all? The scene looked brisk, efficient, professional and peaceful. Sean would have categorized it as one of the most fulfilling moments of his life if only his father was there to share it with him and he knew where he stood with Amber.
Other than those two giant elephants in his room?
He was at one with the world.
“The fish is late, Chef.” Barney, the sous chef, hurried over with his doom-laden voice. “Thought you should know.”
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