“No.” Jade responded immediately, keeping her eyes on me. “I’ll do it. What's the last thing you remember, other than your dream?”
My stomach clenched, and that horrible sick feeling returned. My gaze dropped to the plush, white bedspread around me as I answered, “The wedding. Did I get smashed after? Is this all just a really bad hangover?” I laughed, trying unsuccessfully to lighten the mood.
“No.” She raked her fingers through her shiny, chocolate-colored ringlets. “God, I wish it was. What do you remember about the wedding, Alex? Can you tell me the last thing you remember at the wedding?”
I’d never seen Jade nervous and it was affecting me. I was starting to feel more anxious than I already had been given how I’d woken up. My palms were sweating, and my mouth was dry. I tried running through the events of the day. Starting with the flight to Germany, the hotel room, walking in on… Oh! Naked Ash… I blushed wildly and avoided looking at the man in question, and the knot in my stomach tightened when Jade didn’t react to the sudden bloom of pink on my cheeks. She just watched the expressions on my face intently as I blushed again at the thought of Andrew and the groom’s dressing room. The knots tied up even tighter as I recalled Henry and the race to the ceremony room, then the wedding and… burning. My mind started to race through the pain, the fire, and then…
“Alex?”
I know what she saw. All the blood drained from my face, all the heat, the life. I felt it. I felt cold.
“No.” My head was shaking back and forth, denying the memory, trying to shake off the hideous lie my mind was selling me as truth. “No... No, no, no, no, no… It can't… be. It's not... No.”
My eyes met Jade's, and I could see the pain there, the pity. “No…” pleading, “no… please…”
“Alex,” she whispered as she reached for me, but I slunk away from her touch like it might burn me.
“No. No! NO!” I screamed, but I couldn't deny the truth any longer, and I broke. I collapsed into a puddle on the bed. Jade crawled to me and covered me with her body and told me how sorry she was and how much she loved me as everything I knew, everything I was, shattered. I'm not sure how long I lay there sobbing my despair to the world, but eventually I passed out from pure exhaustion and slipped into a dreamless sleep.
7
Alex
Iwoke the next morning, warm, comfortable and wrapped in a pair of strong arms. It was a lovely way to wake, until I remembered whose strong arms encased me. And why. Everything came rushing back, and I had to lean over the side of the bed to avoid vomiting all over the blankets.
Andrew. My friend. My beloved. He was gone. I would never see him again, never laugh at a stupid joke, or rest in a giant bear hug. We would never again share the events of the day over coffee or a phone call. I was paralyzed beneath the weight of that realization, caught in the avalanche of everything that would never be. I collapsed back onto the bed, and for several moments, I forgot how to breathe. He was my breath, the air that filled my lungs. How could I breathe in a world where he didn’t exist?
Once I remembered, my lungs surged open, pulling in a huge breath, and the tears came. Ash’s arms tightened around me, and I curled into a ball and sobbed. He held me until I had no tears left to cry. No sounds came from him, no movements, nothing but comfort. Ash enveloped my body, crossing his arms over my chest and squeezing as tight as he could, like he was trying to hold me together. Maybe he was. But no matter how hard he tried, I continued to crumble away. He couldn’t protect me from this, but he stayed there, my own personal human shield from the demons within, until my sobs were dry and painful.
I don’t know how long we were there before Jade came in. Without speaking, she cleaned up the mess on the floor, left with the dirty towels and returned with a glass of water and a tray of food. She came in several times to check on me and try to get me to eat something, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t eat food and drink water and continue to live, not when he couldn’t. Eventually, she gave up on feeding me and crawled into bed with me, releasing a fresh flood of grief. The light in the room slowly dissipated. Eventually, night came, bringing with it another dreamless sleep.
I woke the next morning in much the same manner, warm and comfy until everything came rushing back, along with the tears. And not just that morning.
Each time, I woke relishing the strength and warmth of the embrace I found myself in for a split second, only to have reality crash down on me like an avalanche, and I wondered how long this hell would last. How many mornings was I destined to wake thinking the world was whole, only to lose him again?
I lost count. I had no idea how long I’d been in this bed. And while I had stopped crying, I had also stopped caring. Jade’s face looked increasingly concerned, when I bothered to focus on her. I lost track of when it was day and night, when Ash was with me, when Jade was, and when I was alone. Sometimes I didn’t notice anyone was there until they left… if then. The world felt like it was closing in, crashing down around me. The room could’ve been on fire, and I would’ve simply lain there and watched it burn.
I dreamed of Andrew almost every night. In the dark place, but with no monsters on our tail. He held me and kissed my head as I wept into his chest. One morning, I woke from a different dream of Andrew. We were in the dark place again, and he was berating me for being weak, telling me to get up, to keep fighting.
“I can’t. Not without you, Drew. I just can’t,” I’d whispered. Trying to make him understand. How could I honor his memory, what we were, if I just moved on?
“I thought you were stronger than this. I thought you were strong enough to survive this life. I guess I was wrong.” Andrew shook his head at me and looked away. “Maybe my father was right about you, after all.”
“That’s not fair, and you know it. We’d just barely begun when you were taken away from me. I loved you Andrew. How can I honor your memory, the memory of what we were, or could have been, if I just move on?”
“Do you think this behavior honors what we were? Giving up? We were more than this. You are more than this, Alex. Please, for me, you have to get up. Get up and live. Live the life I died to protect.”
Then he faded away to nothing and I woke up.
He always pushed me so hard to be strong, to handle what life threw at me and not let it break me. He was no different in death, just the same pushy perfectionist he’d always been.
Of course, I was dealing with the Andrew conjured by my mind from my memories of him, so that made sense. My subconscious was telling me it was time to move forward, and upon waking I realized how disappointed he would be to see me giving up like this.
Then the bitter bitch that exists somewhere inside us all made an appearance. Doesn’t really matter, does it? He’s not here to see you give up. So, go ahead. Wallow.
Yep, that did it. I was even disappointing myself now, and it made me just angry enough to stop crying. Mostly. I was determined to be strong, to get out of bed and face whatever came next. For Andrew. Because that’s who he was, and that’s what he would’ve expected of me, wanted for me. I owed him at least that.
I sat up, or tried to, seeing as I was trapped in an iron cage of flesh. Looking over my shoulder, I found Ash, fast asleep behind me and wrapped around me like a protective shell. He’d been there, I realized, most of the time I’d been in the bed. He and Jade seemed to have taken turns staying with me. Even unaware of their presence, neither had left me alone, and I wondered if it was for support, or simply fear of leaving me alone.
Golden curls draped effortlessly across his tan forehead and high cheekbones, his angular nose sat perfectly above his full, pink lips, and the golden stubble covering his jaw and slightly cleft chin was extra scruffy. He looked so peaceful like this, and without his snarky bite, it was easy to see why he was so popular with the ladies. He was absolute perfection, beautiful. When he wasn’t being an ass.
At exactly that moment, as I carefully extricated myself from Ash’s arms, I realized
exactly how inappropriate it probably was to be lying in bed with Andrew’s brother. I had memories of safety and warmth amidst the pain and tears of the past however many days I’d been here. It had kept me afloat. I’d never be able to repay him for that kindness, but Andrew was gone, and this wasn’t going to bring him back. Nothing was. But at least I could honor his memory and our friendship by facing whatever had taken him from me, and what came next.
Wiping the tears from my eyes, I moved to stand, but Jade opened the door at precisely that moment. Seeing I was awake and getting out of bed, she launched herself at me and pulled me off the bed into a tight hug.
“I was starting to worry you weren’t going to be able to pull through this! I’m so happy you’re up!” she cried as she hugged me.
“Yeah, sorry about that. I kind of… got lost. But I’m back now.”
“Don’t go away again, Okay? We can’t do this without you.”
“I won’t. I promise,” I whispered into her dark brown curls which were amazingly still perfect for someone who’d been sitting at my bedside while I grieved for… however many days it had been.
Jade pulled back to look at me. “I was starting to worry you weren’t gonna make it out. So, what exactly brought you back?”
I took a deep breath, steeling myself against the flood before I whispered the one word with the power to break me. “Andrew.”
Jade tilted her head and looked at me quizzically, then her face grew slack and her eyes widened. “You saw him again, didn’t you? In another dream, I mean.”
“Yeah. A few times. Every night, I think. Mostly comforting me, but last night… Last night he was disappointed in me for being weak, for letting my circumstances conquer me.” I arched one eyebrow and laughed, “He always was a pushy ass.”
“So, Andrew sent you back?”
“Yeah. Apparently even my subconscious knew there was only one person that could get through to me. It sucked, but it worked. I’m ready to face this. Whatever this is,” I finished glancing over at Ash and wondering what part he played. And why was he taking such a personal interest in my grieving process. “So, maybe let’s start with why Ash is in bed with me. That seems like a good place.”
Jade choked out a laugh. “You’re ridiculous. Do you know that? Everything that’s happened and the first question you have is ‘Why is this hottie in bed with me?’ You would start there.”
“Jade, don’t change the subject.”
She sighed, her shoulders sagging. “You haven’t exactly been sleeping soundly, babe. You kept screaming and thrashing in your sleep, clawing your skin and…” she hesitated, like she didn’t want to say it.
“Ripping your hair out,” Ash finished from the bed, stretching and yawning as his t-shirt rode up just enough to see the beginning of a very impressive six pack.
Realizing I was staring, I averted my eyes as my hands reached instinctively for my scalp. It wasn’t sore and I couldn’t feel any missing hair, thank goodness.
Ash sighed, rubbing his eyes and running his fingers through his tousled blonde locks as he picked up where Jade left off. “Only in your sleep. You were pretty much comatose when you were awake. Once you stopped crying that is. But you slept a lot, and the only way we could keep you from hurting yourself was to tie you down or hold you still, and since I’m fresh out of rope…” He smirked at my raised eyebrow and irritable grimace, then continued more seriously, “Once I held you still a few minutes, you settled and slept. Since we both needed to sleep, this…” he gestured between himself, me and the bed, “seemed like the best option.”
As I turned to Jade for verification, she nodded, and I shuddered thinking what I would have faced waking up alone, assaulted by my new reality. I remembered almost nothing, but I knew it had been bad. It wasn’t going to get any better any time soon. I didn’t want Ash to think I wasn’t grateful, because I was, but I wasn’t going to let it happen again. I needed to get a grip and I needed to not be in bed with Ash anymore. Innocent or not, seeking comfort from him felt like a betrayal. Andrew hadn’t really trusted Ash, so…
I grabbed the wall to steady myself with one hand and doubled over in pain as the memory of his lifeless eyes washed over me again. It was the first memory that hit me every time I realized he was gone. Jade was there, hands on my face, checking me over in the strange motherly fashion she had. Ash snaked one arm around my ribs as the other hand gripped my elbow, making sure I stayed upright. How had he gotten there so fast?
I shook off the thought, taking a few deep breaths, as I realized my current perception probably wasn’t super dependable. Once I controlled my breathing, I raised slowly to a standing position. “I’m okay. It just caught me off guard. I still can’t believe he’s gone.”
The unobstructed pity in Jade’s eyes was more than I could bear, so I changed the subject. “How long have we been here?”
“You were out for about three days before you woke up and… remembered,” Jade offered, her voice trailing off at the end.
“How long, Jade?”
“We came here straight after the wedding went to shit. Nine days ago.”
“Nine days?” Nine days! I was trying to keep calm, but inside I was freaking out. Nine days lost in the aftermath of Andrew’s death. What had happened after? Where was Ash’s family?
“Babe, I know you have a lot of questions, and I promise we’ll do our best to answer every last one but first, you need to drink a glass of water and eat something.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Don’t care.”
“Jade, I’m not hungry. Do you not remember the mess you had to clean up the other day? I don’t remember a lot, but I remember puking. I’m not hungry.”
“Alex, do NOT start with me.”
“Jade…”
“It’s been over a week.”
“Jade.”
“You’re dehydrated! Your body needs food and—”
“JADE!”
We both froze for a moment and her eyes narrowed at me. “Please, just stop. I’ll eat. Eventually. I just don’t care at this moment, and I definitely don’t care to fight about it right now. I just want to know what’s going on.”
“Fine. But you’ll drink the water while we talk.”
“Yeah, okay,” I said, as she took the glass from the bedside table and placed it in my waiting hand. “Ash?” but as I turned around, we bumped noses. I’d forgotten he was still holding me up. Apparently, we both had, and it put us in very close proximity. My breath stuck in my throat as we stared at each other, noses brushing. His arm was still around my ribcage, and his hand was still on my elbow, supporting me. He was wrapped around me, much as he had been in the bed, like a protective case, a suit of armor protecting me from the woes of the world. How had I forgotten he was there? Or had all those days in bed with him draped around me just made me accustomed to the feel of him?
“Yes?” he responded somewhat breathlessly, not seeming to realize he was still holding me.
“Um… Ash? I’m good, you can let go now.”
He looked at me quizzically for a second then looked down at his arm around me, seeming surprised to see it there. He released me and took a step back looking more than a little bit awkward. “Sorry. I…” He shook his head like he was clearing a fog. “Sorry. What did you want?”
“I was just going to see if you know anything about funeral arrangements. Have I missed it? And what about your dad? How did…”
Ash interrupted, “Alexis, we didn't really get to finish our conversation the other night.”
“Oh God.” I thought I'd feel my heart drop, but the truth was, everything left in the world that really mattered to me was in this room. My parents had died in an accident during my first year of college. Andrew was… I swallowed hard and reminded myself to be strong. I had to keep moving forward. Andrew was gone and Jade was all I had left. There wasn't anything else they could tell me that would hold a candle to what I had lost, so I said, “Lay it on me.”
<
br /> “Well, we have some things to share, but that'll be easier if we're not trying to convince you we're not daft the whole time. I need you to try to remember more of the wedding. I need you to try and remember what happened after.”
I just stared at her like I didn't recognize her. I'd been wrong. What could be worse? This. Reliving it over and over. Yep. I called fate out and fate had just kicked my ass.
“I know! And I'm so sorry! I’m just hoping you'll understand once you remember. Just try, please.”
I stared at her for a moment. This woman who was my whole life. She was my only friend left, my only family. Jade was literally my only connection to the world, and she loved me. If she was asking this of me, there was a damn good reason.
I tried to pick up the thread of the memory where I'd left it the day I’d woken up, but my brain kept shying away from the scene. I couldn't get to what came after unless I could get through what came before. My thoughts just kept rebounding off like there was a forcefield surrounding the memory. Every time I bumped into the barrier, I bounced off. Then I caught Ash's gaze, where he’d moved to stand beside Jade, and couldn't look away.
Something about his eyes was so familiar. Perhaps they looked a little like Andrew's, but I couldn't imagine it looking at them in this moment. Aside from the obvious color difference, Ash’s eyes were also brighter. Where Andrew's were dark, ocean blue with almost white-blue striations, giving them the unique, frosted look that I loved, Ash's eyes were a bright gold with tiny flecks of green here and there. They were warm and inviting, and looking into them made me feel safe, like I always had with Andrew. As I stared into his eyes, I started to feel warmer. My cheeks flushed, my palms began to sweat, and my eyes felt suddenly hot, like glowing embers embedded in my sockets. Ash's eyes lit up suddenly, and I was catapulted back in time, into a memory I’d rather forget.
Henry Tennyn, eyes glowing red, holding the head of my beloved. All the light gone from Andrew's eyes. The heat in my own and my body melting, bones breaking, my body reforming. Flying across the room at Henry. Rending his flesh, breaking his neck, bathing in his blood. VENGEANCE! So tired. Collapsing into Ash's arms...
Veiled Guardian: A Borne of Angels Novel (The Awakening Book 1) Page 8