“Uh-huh,” Vanessa said as I stuck my head in the fridge to get some soda. “She doesn’t want my sloppy seconds,” she muttered under her breath.
I gave Vanessa an amused look from behind the door of the cooler. “Now, now, now. I don’t think Ethan would like that,” I teased.
She opened her mouth to say something more, but remained quiet as she accepted the can of Diet Coke I handed her and sat down next to Tom.
“Say, Tom,” Vanessa said, “how about a few hands of poker?” Tom, always eager to play any game of chance, quickly agreed. So did Jordan and Aunt Lindy. Tom started dealing, and soon they were trying to swindle one another out of pocket change.
I was never one for gambling, so I helped my mother with dinner. Plenty watched the game play out as she flipped through a tabloid magazine.
“This is kind of nice way to spend the evening,” I said to my mother, as she added fresh ground pepper to the stew.
She shrugged, blasé.
“No one is arguing,” I said in a low voice.
“There is that,” she agreed.
“And it’s difficult to argue while chewing.”
“So maybe I should shove huge, dry hunks of bread in everybody’s mouths,” she murmured.
I stepped away to set some plates and silverware on the table.
I sat next to Jordan and watched him win pot after pot. By the time supper was served, he was ahead four dollars. He wasn’t cheating, but he seemed to know when he should hold his hand or fold it. I was about to ask him if his instincts, for lack of a better word, helped him in the game, but when I saw how happy he was, I decided it could wait.
32
“THAT DOES IT!” Mom stormed in the next morning, and promptly began pacing my shop.
“What does it?” I asked. Vanessa and Jordan were already in and they crowded closer.
She began to speak when Tom barreled into my shop. “Hon!”
“Get away from me, you pig!” My mother jerked her arm away from him as he reached out to her.
“My little cactus flower,” he pleaded.
“Don’t throw those silly pet names my way!”
“Fiona, I’ll do anything, my love.”
“Then go pack a suitcase and get the hell out!”
I raised my hands to still the duo. “What is going on here?”
Tom rubbed his face ruefully. His cheek was bright red now that I had a moment to look him over.
“Did you slap him, Fi?” Vanessa asked.
“I did,” Mom agreed, “and good. And hard. Very hard.” She raised a fist in his direction, and Tom backed away, not wanting to take another belt.
“But why?” Jordan chimed in.
“Because he hit on Plenty!”
Vanessa and Jordan’s mouths gaped open as their eyes darted between Tom and Mom.
“Wait? What?” I asked.
“This old pervert here,” Mom started, jamming an angry thumb in her husband’s direction, “tried to get fresh with your cousin Plenty. Plenty! She is young enough to be his daughter.”
“Hold on a second,” I said. “Start from the beginning.”
A minute later Mom sat facing Tom at my fortune-telling table in the corner of my shop. She had her elbows crossed over her chest and steadfastly refused to look at him. Tom was reaching out to her – pleading with her to “just give me a look, hon” – to no avail.
“OK,” I said, “will someone explain what happened.”
“Fine,” Mom began, defiantly lighting a cigarette in my shop before I quickly grabbed it and stubbed it out. She gave me a hateful glare.
“It’s illegal,” I warned.
“I’m stressed. I need it to soothe my nerves.”
“You’ll be able to talk faster without taking breaks to puff on your cancer stick,” I said.
“Fine. We were sitting around the dining room table. I was drinking coffee and playing a game of rummy with your aunt. I was winning, too,” she added.
“Thanks for the relevant detail there,” I snapped, exasperated.
“I was up by five dollars!”
“Still, not relevant. Get to what Tom did that upset you so much,” I pressed.
My mother took a deep breath and continued. “Well, we were playing cards. Tom came in and said he’d heard word of a good estate sale in Rudyard. We were talking about driving there to check it out later.”
“Okay, and then what?”
“Then, Plenty came in. She sat there like she usually did. You know, fussing with her makeup. She was using that compact I gave her, but kept picking it up, looking into it, then setting it down. She went and got a small standing mirror and used that when applying her makeup, but still kept checking her work in the new compact.”
“Let me guess,” I said. “It was while she was looking at her reflection in the compact that Tom suddenly came a-courting?”
All eyes landed on me.
“How did you know that?” Mom said.
“She told me. She somehow managed to put an enchantment on it so that it makes men fall all over her.”
“She hasn’t looked any different to me,” Jordan said. “And she whips out that compact a lot. She had her nose buried in it all through breakfast.”
“She looks the same no matter what, but when the compact does its magic – I suspect it’s when it reflects light and flashes across someone’s eyes or face – then it makes the affected person see her as someone or something they desire.”
“Is that so?” My mother’s expression was keen. She turned her eyes to Tom. “What did you see in that moment? Do you remember?”
Tom looked down and began fiddling with his fingernails. “I don’t remember,” he murmured.
“Look at me, Tom, and tell me that,” Mom commanded.
“I don’t remember seeing anything. I was, um, dazed.”
“You say that while refusing to look at me, so I know you’re lying. What did you see?”
Tom looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there. “I’m not sure.”
Vanessa dropped a pen and bent down to pick it up. I heard her cough and whisper to Tom, “Say you saw her.”
Tom straightened. “Oh, wait. It’s coming back to me. I saw you, my little cactus flower.”
The expression on my mother’s face told me she didn’t believe a word of it.
“I heard Vanessa giving you directions. You can’t fool me! Now, tell me, who did you see.”
“I swear, my love, I saw you.”
“No, you paused too long, so I know you didn’t see me. Now who was it?”
“It was you.” Now Tom was looking at her, his eyes clear and blue.
“Was it your ex-wife?”
“No.”
“Was it Vanessa?”
“No!”
“Please God, don’t tell me it was Poppy?”
“Absolutely not!”
“Mrs. Farley?”
“Please, Fi! She’s nearly seventy!”
“Then who was it?”
“It was you, my love. Why can’t you believe me?” Tom looked desperate, but my mother wasn’t budging.
“It probably was an apple pie,” I murmured, going for levity.
Tom’s cheeks flooded with color. Uh-oh.
“Wait? When you were under Plenty’s spell, you thought she was a dessert?” My mother’s voice climbed an octave.
“What? No. Don’t be silly, Fiona dear.”
My mother stood up, placed her hands on her hips and stared at him long and hard. “I guess that would explain why you said you wanted to eat her. I am so disappointed in you,” she seethed, as she turned and walked out the door.
Tom dropped his head in his hands and groaned. “What’ll I do? She really is the love of my life. I was just hungry.”
I shook my head and patted him on the shoulder. “Plenty kind of improvised a spell, so it’s playing out in some unusual and unexpected ways. You probably really were hungry and thought a piece of pie would hit the spot. A
s for my mother, she’ll get over it, Tom. She’ll punish you by fuming at you for a few hours and she’ll expect you to buy her a present – make sure it’s sparkly and expensive – and then all will be fine.”
I looked up and saw Vanessa and Jordan fighting back gales of laughter. Finally they could hold it in no longer, and I found their mirth contagious.
Tom, outraged at our amusement, stood up, fuming. “I can’t believe you’re laughing about this!”
“Well, you have to admit it is kind of funny,” I smiled. “Also in some ways it’s reassuring. The way you love sweets, it’s not like any potential mistress has a chance.”
33
AFTER ALL THE magical mayhem Plenty had caused – the Towne Tavern fight, the Autumn Daze melee, and poaching both Roger and Tom – Mom and I were plenty sick of Plenty’s glamour.
We sat together later in front of my shop. No sooner had Mom stubbed out one cigarette than she had fired up another one.
“You’re burning those fast and furiously, aren’t you?” I commented.
“I’d like to burn that idiot fast and furiously,” Mom fumed. “I cannot believe she tried to curse a mirror to make men fall in love with her.”
“We always said she was plenty of trouble, so she’s living up to her name.”
“Normally that would be funny, but not today.”
“Did you manage to look through her things and find the mirror?”
My mother shook her head. “I tried, but she’s on high alert. Besides, I’m certain she’s been keeping it on her person.” My mother closed her eyes and thought for a moment. “It’s hopeless, unless …”
“What are you thinking? Do you have an idea?”
“We could just wait until she leaves and let her take the mirror with her,” Mom offered.
“Except if she keeps that mirror, the magic will either continue to build and warp, and who knows what could go wrong then.”
“True. You said that you caught a flash of something distorted? Like she was aging faster in there, right?”
I nodded.
“And she doesn’t know how she made this happen?”
“Not exactly. I tried to flatter her into an answer, but she didn’t remember everything.”
My mother shook her head. “I can’t believe she used artificial orange extract. You can’t make good magic out of that.”
“Why would you even buy artificial orange extract?”
“It was on sale. And just because you don’t like artificial sweeteners and flavorings doesn’t mean I have to avoid them.”
“Fair enough.”
“She’s just like the rest of the family, isn’t she,” my mother said, chuckling.
“How so?” I asked.
“None of us like to follow a recipe.”
“In general, no,” I agreed. “I do follow them for most of what I sell in my shop, though.”
“Yes, well, that’s your father’s influence.”
“That’s not entirely a bad thing.”
“No, not entirely. You want consistency in a product, so that’s understandable.”
I was surprised. My mother actually agreed with me that a trait I picked up from my father was not something godawful. I made a mental note to savor this moment later.
“What should we do?” I asked. “You’re usually full of ideas.”
“Today my brain is empty. I’m exhausted.”
“And you didn’t even get to see the buildup to the fight at the Towne Tavern or the groom who tried to mount her in my shop.”
“Did he really do that?” My mother looked shocked and amused.
“Not quite, but he wasn’t far from it.”
“Then he just went and mounted his bride in your fortune-telling corner,” she said, chuckling.
“Indeed he did. That chair was scraping all over the floor and they were grunting and groaning. It sounded like a bear fight was going on.”
“It’s a shame. That space should be reserved for you and Roger to christen. You still haven’t done the dirty deed yet, have you?”
“I really don’t want to get into the nuts and bolts of that with you,” I warned.
“That would be a no, I gather.”
“Let me put it this way: When have we had time lately? Oh, wait, we had time that one night – and plans – but then you so rudely interrupted us. A romantic evening turned into feeding my family and playing Scrabble instead while we watched you polish off the wine Roger had bought.”
“Well, he doesn’t drink anymore, so I was just saving you from overdoing it and him from falling off the wagon.”
“You’re a saint, Mom. Don’t you ever forget it.”
“Now you’re talking. You can bow down at my feet once this is all over and done with.”
“Yes, well. Returning to the problematic Plenty, what do we do about her?”
“I still am warm to the idea of just waiting it out until she leaves.”
“And I still think that could lead to more trouble for her – and maybe us – down the line. No matter how annoying she is, she is family, and we should look out for her best interests, at least in terms of botched magic. Plus,” I continued, “it’s so unlike you to want to go down without a fight.”
“True. Maybe I got it out of my system when I smacked the hell out of Tom. Plus, I’m lazy. I don’t feel like trying to mix up some sort of concoction, or trying to focus some energies to achieve the result we want. At least, not if we can help it.”
I was tired, too, after many days of heavy drinking, heavy eating, and little peace and quiet. I thought for a moment, and was stirred from my reverie when Vanessa popped out the door.
“None of us has had lunch yet. I was thinking of running to Emily’s for some food. Are you two in?” Vanessa asked.
“Sure. Take a twenty out of my wallet and let Emily decide,” I told her.
“Get me a coffee and a brownie,” Mom said.
A moment later Vanessa and Jordan were off to Emily’s and an idea came to me.
“I’ve got it!” I turned to my mother. “Let’s make the spell look like it’s backfiring even more on Plenty.”
“How would we do that?”
“What if it made women hit on her?”
“Are you thinking that we have Vanessa pretend to be attracted to her?”
“Not so much. Frankly if Vanessa hit on Plenty, Plenty might be willing to give it a go.”
“You can’t be serious.” Mom looked incredulous.
“Come on. Vanessa is gorgeous, and when she gets all sultry she’s pretty sexy. I wouldn’t want to run that gamble. On the other hand, if it makes Plenty think the spell is working like it’s supposed to, she might let her guard down. Then it might be easier to get the compact from her.”
“I think you’re right,” Mom agreed after a minute of reflection. “If Vanessa hit on me, I wouldn’t necessarily find it a bad thing. Plus, I’d probably motorboat her if I got the chance.”
“Mom!”
She shrugged. “What? She is attractive. Maybe I should suggest that scenario to Tom. That might get him all riled up in a good way.”
“Well, I see he’s already been forgiven. That’s good.”
“He’s on his way to being forgiven,” Mom corrected. “He will be fully absolved once he grovels some more and buys me something shiny.”
“Ah, you two are a love story for the ages. You do realize he buys those trinkets from the communal marital coffers, right?”
She shrugged. “He came into the marriage with more money than I ever had. Speaking of love stories: When are you going to seal the deal with Roger?”
“I have two responses to that question. One, that really is none of your business. And two,” – I shot a pointed glare in her direction – “when we aren’t being rudely interrupted every time I’m two minutes from ripping off his pants.”
To my surprise I actually caught what I was sure was a bit of embarrassment on Mom’s part.
“I just
wanted to be sure your relationship was going well is all,” she sniffed.
“And I was just wondering if you were out of town when I lost my virginity, because that seems like the only way it could have happened.
“Now, getting back to Plenty,” I continued, “I was thinking that a good way of making it look like her enchantment was backfiring was if we pretended to be lovestruck by it and we hit on her.”
My mother wrinkled her face in disgust. “Poppy. That is revolting. We’re her kin.”
“My point exactly.”
She raised her eyebrows and gave an approving nod. “Oh, I see. This could be interesting. It would maybe make her want to quit using the compact, or it could make her let her guard down enough that we could snatch it away.” She mimed a grabbing motion as she pretended to pull something out of the air. “It’s devious. I like it.”
“I’m glad you approve,” I said. “I’m also glad we’re finally cooking on the same stovetop.”
34
WHILE VANESSA AND Jordan were out fetching lunch, Aunt Lindy and Plenty made their way to my shop.
Plenty flounced over next to Mom and stood next to her. “Aunt Fiona, you aren’t mad about yesterday, are you?”
“What do you think?” My mother stared up at her. “My husband chased after you last night, all because of some stupid spell you cast because you’re a sad, insecure case of arrested development.”
Aunty Lindy opened her mouth to protest.
My mother pointed at her sister. “No! You have no say here. If you want to help, you tell your daughter to stop that crap. I know you mean well, but you did something, whether it’s intentional or accidental, to create this little vain monster.”
“I did nothing of the sort.” Aunt Lindy turned to me. “Poppy, do you think I created a monster?”
“I really don’t know,” I said. “I don’t believe all the blame falls on a parent, but Plenty somehow got obsessed with being the most beautiful and most desirable girl in the room. What’s going to happen when she turns thirty, or forty, or fifty?”
Plenty grimaced as I stacked up the ages decade by decade. She clearly didn’t relish the idea of getting older. Heck, neither did I, but I could face it little by little. It was inevitable, and I felt smarter and more confident now than I had a decade prior. That had to account for something, hadn’t it? I hoped so.
Plenty of Trouble Page 26